How to tell dh he's not invited to mum's Christmas dinner

[FaradayCage]

Long back story but we need to separate, all family agree and can't stand him, therefore resulting in massive tension leading up to Christmas. Mum does not want him to go to hers for Christmas dinner. He has been in previous years and she has been polite for my sake and the kids' sake, but she does not want him there this year. Enough is enough. I don't want him there either, but I am 99% sure he'll assume he's coming with us and that he will think there is absolutely no reason why he shouldn't. There are lots of reasons, but he doesn't see them at all. Anyway, I feel like I can't win, I'm going to give someone / many people a crap day whatever I say or do, or don't say or do.

True, maybe he can het some food together for him and his children, or are we to assume that the awful wife is also separating him from 'her' children too?

Thank you! I was beginning to think that I was the only one who read it that way.

It doesn't sound like the Op is the one being cold or harsh. it sounds like he checked out years ago on her and his kids.

Of course her family doesn't want him showing up for his free plate of grub and then walking back out after a snooze. He sounds completely uninterested in them except to feed his face.

Look after yourself and your kids Op💐

Sounds like your mum knows more about the need to separate than he does. I couldn’t leave him on his own. Plus what would the kids/think say?

Unless there is a huge drip feed coming about him being abusive you are very unreasonable.

You can’t just take someone’s kids away from them Christmas Day without discussing it with them,

Its not your mum that’s put you in this situation but yourself, if you hate him so much that you bitch about him to various members of your family you should have separated sooner.

Those posting go and leave him at home - I guarantee if the OP was a man you’d be replying something completely different.

No if this was your plan you should have told him weeks ago. Your kids will be expecting to spend their Christmas with him too or is it going to be " the Christmas where mum left dad" and be a taint on every christmas that follows?

Well you're going to open your mouth and tell him you're separating then aren't you? What are you waiting for?

It's doable but is he likely to say the kids have to stay with him at home?

Unless there is abuse or very recently discovered infidelity, it’s unbelievably awful to drop this on him and your children on Christmas Eve!

If you’ve decided your marriage is over then you have a responsibility to communicate that and deal with it like an adult. Not ‘my mum says you can’t come round’ at the last minute!

That's quite the assumption that the kids would attend with their mother. Perhaps he'll, quite rightly, say that he'd prefer to stay at home and cook Christmas dinner for the kids.

So unless you tell him, he'll think he's coming. Has he got somewhere else to go? You need to tell him quick so he can figure out what/where he's going to eat.

I agree

So do .

You haven't said what discussion or even remarks have been made about your deteriorating marriage since the five-years-ago discussion. So this could be almost expected (it won't be) or it'll be a horrible bombshell.

If your husband is abusive and nasty rather than just uninterested and uninvested in you and the kids, then I could understand why you would think it acceptable to do this at this time of year, but not otherwise (and I wouldn't recommend it then either).

How horrific would you find it if you were expecting to go to your DH's family lunch for Christmas and your husband said to you, "We're going without you Faraday, my family hate you and don't want to see you there. So you'll have to get something out of the freezer for dinner. We'll talk about divorce after Boxing Day." So cruel, and a way to wreck Christmas for the whole family.

Either your mum allows him to attend or you all stay at home this time. Anything else is a dreadful way to behave. Imagine the hideous atmosphere

He does sound like a deadbeat but she hasn't mentioned abuse or infidelity. It's the very late timing right before Christmas that makes it so cruel, unless there is something we're not being told. There are children involved too who presumably want their dad around on Christmas even if he's just sleeping in the background. I think this thread was a bid for approval to behave in an appalling way.

FWIW I ended my marriage immediately after we took the Christmas decorations down. That last Christmas wasn't an easy one but no regrets.

@FaradayCage Any updates?

This. He cannot go as he isnt invited. Your mum said no. Going for him isnt an option.

You could say " you are aware that mum doesn't want you at Christmas Dinner"

But this seems very messy and alot of miss/non communication over 5+ years. Please ensure you are safe.

He’s not aware that mother in law doesn’t want him at Christmas dinner though because it doesn’t sound like the OP has actually told him.

Then you aren’t separated and it’s not imminent so it sounds like it would come out of the blue and really mess up your children. If you are separating just do it! Don’t confuse the children and play mind games with him.

This.

When did your mom tell you that he’s not invited?

Op it's Christmas Eve, how to ruin Christmas for your Kids by telling them you're separating on Christmas Eve!

I hope your prepared for the kids to say THEY are staying home with Dad.

I actually think none of you should go to your mothers as it sounds like she's ruling the roost and stirring things within your marriage.
If the marriage was that bad you would actually have separated at some point over the last 5 years.

It’s not your families business if you divorce, the only time anyone should interfere is when abuse is taking place.

Prepare for the worst possible divorce experience as this will cause deep resentment and confusion.

Agree with other posters, don't do this at Xmas for your kids' sake

However shit your H is, he's their Dad and they will no doubt have a different view of him.
If they discover he isn't invited this year isn't that just telling them in a crap, quite brutal, way that their parents are splitting up & their lives are about to drastically change?

Your mum shouldn't be forcing this issue & putting you in this position. Surely she can suck it up for one more Xmas Day & let you & your H separate in a way that is appropriate for your kids in the new year?

This just seems a very ham fisted way of doing it after all these years.

You have assumed they haven’t communicated.

My guess would be OP has repeatedly told him she wants a divorce and he doesn’t listen.

It’s now time for action.