How to tell dh he's not invited to mum's Christmas dinner

[FaradayCage]

Long back story but we need to separate, all family agree and can't stand him, therefore resulting in massive tension leading up to Christmas. Mum does not want him to go to hers for Christmas dinner. He has been in previous years and she has been polite for my sake and the kids' sake, but she does not want him there this year. Enough is enough. I don't want him there either, but I am 99% sure he'll assume he's coming with us and that he will think there is absolutely no reason why he shouldn't. There are lots of reasons, but he doesn't see them at all. Anyway, I feel like I can't win, I'm going to give someone / many people a crap day whatever I say or do, or don't say or do.

Now is not the time for action, it’s Christmas fucking Eve! It will ruin this Christmas and many future Christmas's for her kids. If she could wait 5 years, she can hang on another 5 days (again assuming no abuse or imminent danger)

This.

But you know, it’s Mumsnet and this is a man so he obviously has no feelings and doesn’t deserve to be treated with any consideration whatsoever. Men are all bad, after all. 🙄

Don’t be fucking ridiculous.

Adults aside, I am sure your children will notice the situation unless they’re very young? It’s extremely mean to ruin Christmas for them all because their mother decided to end the relationship on Christmas Eve. Unless he has done something awful (been abusive or had an affair or similar) then there is no reason to upset the kids on Christmas Eve.

JFC. Unbelievable.

Have you sorted an alternative Xmas meal for him or given him enough notice to source his own?

Surely this isn't real. No one could be so insensitive to think that they could announce on Christmas Eve that the childrens' father is excluded from the family celebrations and they are separating. Great way to ruin Christmas. You've put up with him for 5 years after saying you want to split up. Why the rush now, when it will forever be remembered by your children?

god I hope my separation doesn’t last 5 years 🥹🥹🥹 I feel like this is me

If he really can’t go to your mothers then I think you need to get to a supermarket asap and buy food for everyone and you all stay home tomorrow and have a family Xmas day. Sort the relationship out in the new year.

THIS

Can't really fathom dropping the "I want a divorce" bombshell then only taking action half a decade later on Christmas Eve.

If no one wants him there, including his wife, does he even want to be there himself?

this is perfect

This. I don’t think you can spring this on him at this point if you’re not actively in the process of separating.

And as others have said, it’s very common for relationships to reach breaking point at Christmas but it’s January when you make the call. Too nasty to do it on Christmas Eve.

I mean. Writing this in 22/12 gives him not much time to make other plans. Most people will have brought and accounted for the amount of people coming for Christmas, so I feel a hit sorry for him that’s your dumping this news on him now. This really should have been thought about weeks ago, if not longer.

if you need to seperate, just do it. I don’t know anyone (including myself) who’s ever wished their unhappy parents stayed unhappy but together. I was massively relieved when my parents divorced, I was 11 and even I could sense the tension.

Staying together for the kids is a terribly poor excuse.

Unless your brother doesn’t have the capacity to not ‘say anything’, I would ask your family to suck it up one last time and promise you won’t put them in this position again. You have left it far too late to raise this with your husband and it will upset your children if they have any feelings for their father. Unless he has family he can easily go to he must be really awful if you would let him spend Christmas Day alone.

Sorry if this sounds unsympathetic, I’m not, but you really should have dealt with this before.

Really @crockofshite ? Would you be giving a man similar advice if he wanted to break up with the mother of his children today? Most people would consider that vicious behaviour.

You have to communicate the end of a marriage clearly at some point. It is not fair to let him know your marriage is over just by not inviting him to the family Christmas. There needs to have been prior conversations and clear understanding that you are no longer together - then the Christmas invite is academic. This problem is not caused by your mum, it's caused by the lack of communication between you and your husband about the state of your marriage and whether it is over or not.

If the relationship is purely loveless and not abusive then I’m afraid now is not the time. You’ve waited 5 years to not communicate that you want to end the marriage so I’m sorry but unless you want to completely destroy Christmas for your children you will need to wait a while longer.

You will need to tell your DM that in the interests of your children you will not be coming to hers for Christmas and will be having it at home.

His behaviour is vicious, and yes, I would give that same advice to anyone whose life was made miserable by their partner.

What behaviour is vicious? What has the OP said that he has done that is vicious? Not a single fucking thing?!

FaradayCage · 22/12/2024 23:18

I told him five years ago that there was no point continuing in a loveless marriage, yet somehow we're still here.

I don't understand why you say "yet somehow were still here"

What have you done to not be here?

Did you make any effort to move out?

Did you ask him to move out at the time?

We're you expecting your DH to just say OK I'll move out and we'll get divorce, because it didn't really sink in.

As for Christmas dinner your DM may have to be the one to tell him as a PP said he's not a mind reader and as he's been, knowingly, chugging along for 5 years in a loveless marriage being part of the wider family he's going to think he's welcome to continue doing so.

Also if you’re planning on separating tonight or first thing tomorrow morning who says you get the kids tomorrow? It’ll likely be 50/50 custody so maybe he could have them tomorrow. You can go to your mums for lunch and he and the kids can all have beans on toast at home!

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if it's Christmas. There is no perfect time to tell your husband you don't want to be with him. It's going to be a mess regardless of whether you tell him today or not. Just do it. I'm sure he can go to his parents/siblings/friends house etc.

I think your being unreasonable at this stage. You should have been clear that he wasn't welcome afes ago do he could make other plans. It's not fair to tell him he's not invited a few days before Christmas.

If you want a divorce. You need to action that. There isn't a good time. I wouldn't say anything. Ow until the new year. In the meantime get your ducks in a row, seek legal advice and file mid to late Jan.