Confused about whether to leave happy marriage or not

[GlassLampshades]

Please, please be gentle. I've been going through a lot this past year with teenagers / ill parent, etc, and my mental state is fragile. Basically, seeing my mum become completely incapacitated after an accident this time last year seems to have triggered some sort of mid life crisis / self reflection which is coming to a head now due to the Christmas period which I have always found very stressful and emotional anyway.

I'm also on a two week holiday from a very stressful job which I actually use to avoid confronting any feelings I have so now I have more headspace to actually think things through.

I'm 43. DH is 50. We have been together 18 years and have two teenagers. He's the smartest, kindest, most loving person I could ever hope for. A fantastic husband and father. He's absolutely gorgeous too and very affectionate, generous and great company. We went out last night and had an absolute blast together. We have a lovely house and lifestyle.

The one fly in the ointment is his lack of libido. We have talked and he would be happy to never have sex again. He has no desire at all. Meanwhile mine is through the roof. Being near him is torture because I have such strong desire and there is just nothing from him. He does make a huge effort for me because he knows it's important but his lack of desire is killing me. We can go through the motions but it is not working for me because his heart is not in it.

It's breaking my heart because we love each other and we are soulmates but my need to be with someone who has sexual desire for me is becoming unbearable.

We have talked about it but it's a very painful topic for both of us and there is so much hurt and pain there. I don't think he will agree to opening the marriage. He is willing to split if I decide that I cannot continue in this way. He understands that what I am asking for is not unreasonable in any way but he cannot change how he feels.

I'm just so frightened that I would be throwing away something so wonderful because I want to have sex. It seems so pathetic. And there is no guarantee I would ever meet anyone else who ticks all the boxes.

I'm just confused, anxious and afraid of fucking up my life if I leave, and fucking up my life if I stay.

Any advice gratefully received.

May I ask If he has consulted a doctor?
has there been a decline in his desire or has he always been like this?

no you are not wrong wanting to leave. It’s a torture and most likely sooner or later someone will lay his eyes on you and you will probably stray. None can last long in such situation. It’s just not sustainable. And him not wanting to open the marriage is selfish.

That sounds really hard. In your situation I think I would find someone to have sex with and just keep it quiet.

It’s very difficult
because other than the sex issue he sounds pretty great.
Dating in your 40s is no picnic. What are the chances you meet someone with all his good qualities plus the sex is good?

I’m not saying don’t go; but there are no easy answers. Your libido may wane in a few years. How will you feel if you leave him and he meets someone else and you don’t?

i think I’d have secret affair and stay put.

I’m not sure what the female is equivalent of “thinking with your dick” is…. But don’t do that.

It isn’t wonderful though, because you are 43 and can’t have a fulfilling sex life. Sorry if that sounds brutal. Has he seen a doctor??

People saying to have a secret affair to satisfy OPs sex drive - isn’t that what some men do? Then get totally lambasted on here if they’re found out

It's always really interesting to me the way the advice changes based on whether a man or woman asks this question.

I'd get a good vibrator and stay in the, otherwise, happy marriage.

When you say he 'goes through the motions' are you saying he is having sex with you to meet your needs but his heart isn't really in it? Because honestly A LOT of married women do just that. And I don't think he can do much more? He can't make himself want sex unfortunately.

If he loves you and cares about you is there a possible compromise? Could he be there for you but not partake himself? Could he use toys or watch you use toys or be cuddled up with you while you pleasure yourself? Might not be the same but enough to satisfy your needs?

This is a really horrible situation. `its really awful when you want to be desired, deserve to be, and its not there.

There is no easy answer, so I would suggest seeing someone who might be able to help, such as a qualified sexual counsellor.

Please do this before you do anything else, cheating will not lead in the long run to the happiness you need, and will likely bring pain for you all.

Rediscovering desire might happen with counselling, an agreement for an open marriage, they are really excellent and will be able to help.

I wish you the best of luck

Try again to get him to open the marriage. really push him to envisage what his life, finances, future will be like if you divorce and how you will both lose your best friend. And for what? For something he himself is saying is not important to him. If sex was so core for him he wouldn't let you and him go without it. So why would he care?

Opening your marriage could be a massive step on the way to a more evolved understanding of love and relationships. Reassure him there are plenty of men who would be willing to give you some occasional companionship without running off with you into the sunset or supplanting him. Men are actually really good at jolly companionable Fwb things without needing to fall in love with you. It's kind of their signature move, in fact.

You could try at least to get him to a workable DADT position so you didn't feel too sneaky about it.

He’s a good husband, a good man, and you have a good life. You can rely on him. You have fun. He’s attractive.

The only issue is your sex life.

I would not end a good marriage for this. It can be dealt with. You need to communicate about it though.

Have you actually asked if he would object to opening the marriage for sex only? Or are you assuming?

If the marriage could be opened, would you be able to separate sex from emotional entanglement, so you can have some fun without thinking you’ve ’found a ‘new’ one’?

You also have a stressful job - is your libido connected to or a reaction to the stress level? Might it change in the future? Do you actually need intercourse with a partner, or could you sort yourself out? If the former, is it because you just have a high libido, or are you seeking connection?

In would not counsel an affair - I’ve never seen that work out well for anyone involved (and I’ve seen a few).

Come back and tell us if he's seen a doctor op. Has he always had a low sex drive? Is he interested in trying to increase his libido? It must be awful for you. I can't imagine being with someone you love who turns you on but who has no interest in sex at all.

Hubby and I married when I was 40 and he 50
We had a terrific sex life
However he became very ill and now due to surgery that is lost
I could never leave him
He has done nothing wrong
We still have the great life we had before his illness
I am reconciled to that being enough
Everyone is different of course you have to do what is right for you
However be very careful

You also need to be realistic about how your own life, finances, future will be like if you divorce. Life sounds like it will be much more comfortable financially as a married couple, than two singles having to run and pay off separate houses and households.

I've seen some threads where people are sympathetic to men whose partners are completely witholding sex. I think everyone is sympathetic to someone in that situation, male or female.

Yes he saw a doctor a few years ago and there were no issues identified. I don't think there's been a decline as such but raising young children, busy life etc, meant that it wasn't a big deal for many years. In the last few years that's changed for me, but he's happy with things as they are.

Hmmm, OP are you sure this is a happy marriage? Sex is a big part of connection and usually, before this is lost, emotional connection is lost.
I think you have got comfortable because of the financial security, social status and have missed other parts of the marriage.
But you haven’t told us. Has he always been like this? We are talking about huge difference in sex drives here. Not like “I want it 3 times a week, he wants it once”. You are practically telling us that you feel torchured lying next to him. Are you sure that this “sweet man” is not subtly abusive?

I’m really surprised so many are advising make the best of it. Definitely try to resolve it but if you can’t you have to consider what you want. You are 43 not 73. Having been in this situation it eventually has a horrible impact on you and the relationship. Maybe not if you are a lot, lot older. Friend in 50s had ‘good marriage’ and after years of no sex they are getting divorced. She has never been happier and they are good friends, as I am with my ex. That is what you are in this situation, close friends. I don’t know why you would spends your 40s onwards in a partnership with someone who doesn’t desire you sexually…

But how was it before having children?

Your really high libido right now (if it’s only just got like this) is likely due to perimenopause- in a few short years this will likely to have passed and you will wonder why you threw your marriage away. The sister of a friend of mine went through the same thing, left her marriage and had a couple of short flings, but didn’t meet anyone else relationship-wise. Her husband did though and is now married to someone else who I guess is fine with his lack of libido and they have what looks like a very comfortable life together, while my friend’s sister is now single, in a rented one bed flat in her late forties and really regrets her choices.

I would be tempted to see if he would be willing to go to a sex therapist.

It is really really awful feeling unwanted though. It erodes self esteem. However, I know that in my early 40’s I had a very high libido, but in my early 50’s, it’s almost zero. After a few relationships in my 40’s ( after my divorce) I’m now single, and would love a relationship which sounds like yours. My last relationship was with someone who constantly rejected me, and it has really damaged me.
Do you feel valued? Loved and cared for?
Can you go see someone to talk through this?

Everyone is allowed to decide what is and isn’t a deal breaker for them. But there’s no way I’d leave the marriage you described for that. You only need to read the online dating threads on here to see what others’ experiences are of trying to find a new partner.

Pretty much yes. He enjoys it but can take it or leave it and would rather leave it. He says the most he can commit to would be twice a year.

It was much more frequent and was satisfying, we both had matching levels of desire etc.