Confused about whether to leave happy marriage or not

[GlassLampshades]

Please, please be gentle. I've been going through a lot this past year with teenagers / ill parent, etc, and my mental state is fragile. Basically, seeing my mum become completely incapacitated after an accident this time last year seems to have triggered some sort of mid life crisis / self reflection which is coming to a head now due to the Christmas period which I have always found very stressful and emotional anyway.

I'm also on a two week holiday from a very stressful job which I actually use to avoid confronting any feelings I have so now I have more headspace to actually think things through.

I'm 43. DH is 50. We have been together 18 years and have two teenagers. He's the smartest, kindest, most loving person I could ever hope for. A fantastic husband and father. He's absolutely gorgeous too and very affectionate, generous and great company. We went out last night and had an absolute blast together. We have a lovely house and lifestyle.

The one fly in the ointment is his lack of libido. We have talked and he would be happy to never have sex again. He has no desire at all. Meanwhile mine is through the roof. Being near him is torture because I have such strong desire and there is just nothing from him. He does make a huge effort for me because he knows it's important but his lack of desire is killing me. We can go through the motions but it is not working for me because his heart is not in it.

It's breaking my heart because we love each other and we are soulmates but my need to be with someone who has sexual desire for me is becoming unbearable.

We have talked about it but it's a very painful topic for both of us and there is so much hurt and pain there. I don't think he will agree to opening the marriage. He is willing to split if I decide that I cannot continue in this way. He understands that what I am asking for is not unreasonable in any way but he cannot change how he feels.

I'm just so frightened that I would be throwing away something so wonderful because I want to have sex. It seems so pathetic. And there is no guarantee I would ever meet anyone else who ticks all the boxes.

I'm just confused, anxious and afraid of fucking up my life if I leave, and fucking up my life if I stay.

Any advice gratefully received.

Is there HRT for men?

Op I think you need to stop being so hard on yourself. Basically you are staying with someone who has no desire for you. What would you think if the tables were turned ? Would you expect your husband to stay with you if you didn't have any lust for him at all and weren't willing to find a solution?

This is a rubbish situation for you. I bet you will also be worrying what people will think of you leave this 'great man'. He is placing all the responsibility for this with you. You want sex, leave me or find someone else.... it will be you making the decisions. It will be you who has the 'affair' and ends it. I wouldn't mess around with open marriages or the like. Don't muddy the water. What if. Your kids found out? Is he going to tell them it's sanctioned by him?

I would refuse this celibacy offer of his. Stuff that. He needs to at least try to get his libido back or get to the bottom of what's causing it. Is he being honest? Or is he just looking for you to end the marriage so he doesn't have to. I think he sounds like a coward and if this isn't what you want don't take it.

Maybe you should do a trial separation. You could see what the reality of dating is and who you could actually imagine being with someone else . I don't think it's impossible that you would find someone else.

Don't accept this if it's not what you want.

I would definitely not chance it and ruin an otherwise happy marriage, not only for my sake but my children and I would be happy to sacrifice this for their stability.
Living like this would suit me as I find it an annoyance myself.
But if you are not happy would you think of asking him, could you find someone if you were discreet.

Oh, OP. This marriage sounds beyond depressing.

You keep talking about how great this "partnership" is. It's not great and it's not a partnership. It's a relationship that's causing you a tremendous amount of pain.

You either go behind his back, or you split up. Your choice.

I really, really hope you find someone else. You say that you're an attractive person inside and out. You're absolutely wasted, cooped up in this hell-hole of a marriage. I've been there and it's completely soul-destroying.

I think if you don't get out, you'll regret it in the future.

He did ask how you would get your needs met, and you said they wouldn't be met. This just isn't sustainable.

You are too different these days. You want different things out of life and a marriage. You want sex and passion and romance and affection and closeness, whereas he's content with slippers and not rocking the boat. I don't know how you can stand it.

I can’t believe all the people saying “It’s temporary, your sex drive will disappear”

The OP is forty three!

I think you need to keep talking OP - but if your husband is happy for “your needs not to be met” as the solution, that’s not ok.

Yes exactly, she's 43. For many women their libido nose dives from mid to late 40s as oestrogen levels plummet.

And for many it doesn’t. For many, sex continues for another 20 years.

And for a lot, it doesn't.

I don't think it's reasonable to say, oh hey, wait out your sex drive for the next ten years in hopes it vanishes and you can then be content with your lot. 🙄

He says the most he can commit to would be twice a year

This is awful. You shouldn’t have to be grateful and desperate for two shags a year that he clearly doesn’t want.

“Don’t worry love, your own libido will be dead next. Just wait for that and all will be well.”

Fuck that.

Agree with you here, late 40’s here, libido higher than 5 years ago. Anyway sex is also a way to show love and feel connected to the one person only that you can be intimate with, your husband or partner. so even if libido drops to some extent, I would no way expect sex to be off the table.

@GlassLampshades would you be comfortable sharing his reasons for the plutonic relationship or is it too personal and raw right now?

For many though it skyrockets as estrogen drops and somehow testosterone doesn’t as much. The body perceives this as an increase in testosterone and results in a sex drive of a 18 year old boy. And lasts well into menopause and after. Thus the cougars…

I’m mid-50s and post-menopausal; have never had a particularly high libido but it is definitely continuing to thrum along nicely. In fact, I think it has increased post-menopause. So definitely OP cannot just assume she will stop wanting sex any time soon.

I think that when you walk away from a marriage you have to reconcile to the fact you might not meet another long term partner and feel that being on your own is better than being in your marriage, as there are no guarantees.

I know I felt that way as I simply couldn’t bear to continue in my marriage for another 20 or however many years and was fine if that meant I’d be on my own.

Hopefully you will meet someone else who can give you good sex plus all the other things.

Or Maybe you feel you’d be happy single but having good sex from
time to time (that’s definitely achievable).

This sounds like a typical disintegration of a marriage where both parties are not entering into a ‘what will make our marriage work for us? Let’s explore the possibilities together.’

Op, this isn’t all on you. You husband is very binary in his thinking.

OP - you mentioned in your first post that thinking about leaving an otherwise happy relationship because of a lack of sex seems pathetic. I just wanted to say that it's not pathetic at all. You're not just looking for physical release, it's wanting to desire and be desired, to connect with someone else on that profoundly intimate level. I was in an unhappy marriage for many years where I did not desire my ex DH and sex was cold and mechanical. Eventually we stopped altogether and it made us even more estranged. Now I'm with someone who I have a fantastic sexual connection with and it's like discovering a whole new side of myself. And I'm in my 50s - I'm saddened by how many people posted "soon you'll be over sex and it'll all be fine!" What a joyless approach to life. Sure, some may well be happy with only a platonic relationship but if you're not, that shouldn't be minimised.

Good luck with getting your needs met- you deserve it!

I've taken so much comfort from the responses to this thread and feel very validated by so many of them that I am not wrong to feel this way. It's honestly been eye opening and given me a new perspective on my situation. I'm very glad I posted even though it is such a difficult situation.

I have been in your position. Leaving him is very hard when you still love and desire him. I accepted it, and then years later, I got a vibrator which helped. Now 14 years on I met someone who desires me so much and I him. So, for the last few months, I have been having an affair, but once you feel the love and desire of another man, there is no going back. I now have to decide whether to leave. My decision for 2025... I wish you good luck.

Agree with this a thousand times over.

Definitely this. I'd rather never have another "serious" relationship than have been with my horrible husband forever. Occasional fun sex is great.

Just to add that being single or alone doesn't bother me as such as I am very independent and enjoy my own company but I would miss the companionship of my husband. He's the one person I can comfortably spend time with and feel completely at ease and myself. Despite our problems we are extremely compatible personality wise and have a very enjoyable and supportive relationship. We understand each other on a deep level and can talk for hours. I will be blunt also and say I would miss the financial security he provides.

I know a few people have said he's abusive and he's not a good partner and been quite judgemental of him and jumped to conclusions about him which is understandable, but he's genuinely in his heart a very kind and loving person who cares deeply about me, adores me and is devoted to me. I truly feel that and believe it. He can't help the way he feels about sex.

He is currently under an enormous amount of pressure with his family (his mum and siblings) and all his life even from a young age he has been relied on to fix everything for the family (his dad was a psychologically and emotionally abusive alcoholic). This makes it more difficult to focus on fixing our issues right now because he feels like he is already stretched to breaking point. Our problems as discussed in this thread are deep seated however and I don't see them being resolved anytime soon but rather buried.

But I'm very grateful for the space to vent and to think things through, and all the different perspectives. It really has helped me to get my thoughts in order.

How would you feel if you did leave and he was together with someone else?

I read you've said you'll now be in a platonic relationship, however your desire will not go away. Resentment may also creep in due to you not getting everything you need which will eventually kill the relationship.

As your as DH is open to sexual/relationship counselling, I would suggest you start that in the new year to try and get to the root of the issues.

The rest of your relationship sounds too good to give up; as someone mid 40's who's been single for almost 4 years, the dating scene is the absolute pits. I'm happy I left my EXDP as the relationship was terrible, however I wouldn't have left if it was mostly good apart from one aspect which we may be able to work on.

Op - really encourage him to go for a health check. Your update highlights extreme stress and loss of libido/ED is often part and parcel of cardiovascular disease.

Everyone may rely on your DH, but is it really necessary that he takes on all that responsibility?

If he is so stressed as to not contemplate enjoying sex within a very loving and otherwise happy relationship, he is taking on too much & needs to push back a fair bit & make some lifestyle changes to avoid an early heart attack, aside from anything else.

People have an uncanny knack of stepping up when they have to & stepping back if some other mug is prepared to take the strain. Your DH is no good dead or very ill - family need to be much more mindful and your DH needs to understand that letting others get on with it is also good for them so they are not totally dependent.

I’m really sorry to hear this was the outcome of your discussion. I appreciate it’s very difficult. We were there and essentially arrived at a similar place, but only really as a holding pattern - i.e. we would stay together as we were so close, we have a great life/kids/financially in a good place, but resigned to possibility that we might not resolve sexual relationship. However we didn’t officially give up and I persisted with exploring the health aspects (and would have also the potential psycho-sexual aspects). Bottom line, I didn’t want my wife to feel I had given up on us/her.

We’re now the other way around - I want sex all the time and my wife’s libido has reduced for a time due to time of life/peri, leading to her suggesting that ironically it should be me looking outside for more (I have declined, but she is v relaxed about these things which frankly boggles my mind).

I would strongly urge your husband to at least get some thorough bloods done or get his heart checked. It’s no skin off his nose and if it reveals anything, it is literally like night and day in terms of how he would feel/what it reveals. No downsides at all.

Neither of you has to settle and it seems a shame given how positive the other aspects of your relationship are.