Confused about whether to leave happy marriage or not

[GlassLampshades]

Please, please be gentle. I've been going through a lot this past year with teenagers / ill parent, etc, and my mental state is fragile. Basically, seeing my mum become completely incapacitated after an accident this time last year seems to have triggered some sort of mid life crisis / self reflection which is coming to a head now due to the Christmas period which I have always found very stressful and emotional anyway.

I'm also on a two week holiday from a very stressful job which I actually use to avoid confronting any feelings I have so now I have more headspace to actually think things through.

I'm 43. DH is 50. We have been together 18 years and have two teenagers. He's the smartest, kindest, most loving person I could ever hope for. A fantastic husband and father. He's absolutely gorgeous too and very affectionate, generous and great company. We went out last night and had an absolute blast together. We have a lovely house and lifestyle.

The one fly in the ointment is his lack of libido. We have talked and he would be happy to never have sex again. He has no desire at all. Meanwhile mine is through the roof. Being near him is torture because I have such strong desire and there is just nothing from him. He does make a huge effort for me because he knows it's important but his lack of desire is killing me. We can go through the motions but it is not working for me because his heart is not in it.

It's breaking my heart because we love each other and we are soulmates but my need to be with someone who has sexual desire for me is becoming unbearable.

We have talked about it but it's a very painful topic for both of us and there is so much hurt and pain there. I don't think he will agree to opening the marriage. He is willing to split if I decide that I cannot continue in this way. He understands that what I am asking for is not unreasonable in any way but he cannot change how he feels.

I'm just so frightened that I would be throwing away something so wonderful because I want to have sex. It seems so pathetic. And there is no guarantee I would ever meet anyone else who ticks all the boxes.

I'm just confused, anxious and afraid of fucking up my life if I leave, and fucking up my life if I stay.

Any advice gratefully received.

Alot of older men are taking HRT (extra testosterone) after finding that the reference values for normal levels are simply too low to maintain function.

This is huge in the US and there’s evidence men go through a “menopause” of sorts later in life too.

Maybe find a private specialist in this area and discuss with them?

Please read the book “If he is so great, why do I feel so bad”, Avery Neal

I feel like I need intercourse with a partner. I do sort myself out but I need more.

I don't know if I could separate the two. I'm not sure how I would go about finding a FWB unless it was someone I knew and liked. I think it's high libido. I'm not sure what you mean by "seeking connection". For me the driving force here is seeking something physical which ideally I'd get from my husband but he can't provide it.

I don’t think the choice should be get rid of the guy and go and have sex with these random people that the OP has no connection with or just Suck it up because everything else is good.
clearly OP is in love with her husband, all the descriptions of their relationship are really positive, they have a really strong bond and it is him that she wishes to desire her. It is so painful to live beside somebody you are in love with and not feel them desiring you. it is as the sexual woman in you becomes denied and invisible and a huge part of you is unacknowledged, that is massively painful. However, just having sex with other people to make up for it is basically just a complicated type of masturbation!
I hope for you OP that because your husband is willing to look at therapy, that together you can find a way to explore and awaken that part of your relationship again because I am assuming, perhaps wrongly, that that existed in your relationship in the past? Perhaps indie testosterone could help or if not that you can come to some kind of satisfying agreement.
Suffering in silence feels very annihilating of an important part of the self for somebody to whom a sexual connection is important with the person that they love.

Since when has he had little desire?

Yes, there's a lot of cuddling, kissing, hugging, sitting or lying curled up together.

I’m so glad at least someone is on my page. A lot of these posts read as ‘stay in the marriage even if there is a huge gaping hole, otherwise you could be single and that is the worst possible state’. I thought/ hoped our view of women’s lives had progressed. Be happy, be true to yourself, live to the full, open yourself to opportunities Don’t be scared of being single.

Sorry but aren't there pills for that sort of thing (for both sexes).?
It's not a big deal. Quite common.

Is it need or want.? You have a lot and could lose it all

I know. Unbelievable what I read on this thread. “Stay in the marriage because you are nothing without a man and what will happen If you find none else?”. So what? FFS. I can’t believe what I am reading and what saddens me most is that these women may have daughters. Wow. Un-be-lie-va-ble!

And is it, from this point, that he doesn’t feel sexually aroused - or that mechanically things don’t work?

Does he think you’re hot?

^ This. The truth is, you are 43. Heading for peri-menopause followed by menopause. A lot of women find their libido takes a nose-dive around menopause. Why lose this lovely man for a phase of your life that might be fleeting.

That’s it. I am leaving this thread. It’s full of very “small” women and it’s harming my mental health.
In the meantime imagine If a man dared to write sth like this on MN.

Thank you everyone. Taking a break from the thread now but I really appreciate all the advice and viewpoints. A lot to think about.

Lack of arousal. I surmise from this that he doesn't think I'm hot. He denies this however to me it's blatantly obvious.

Maybe a lot of women are fundamentally afraid of being single, I’d be much more afraid of being in an unfulfilling relationship. That is rock bottom for me

Absolutely. This would be slow death.

But it’s also down to the fact that many women are not capable of taking care of their own needs and prefer to hang on to a man to do this. And of course for many the facade and showing “happy families” in society counts more than actually them and their kids being happy. Because kids do sense everything!

As someone whose marriage failed as a consequence of menopause and my loss of libido, I am left feeling ‘was that all I meant?’ Is that really all marriage is based on? We could have found other ways of finding intimacy, but exh’s positin was absolute.

Does he get morning glory? Does he have ED or is it lack of interest? Does he masturbate?

Why do you think it's blatantly obvious he doesn't fancy you - does he fancy other people?

But in this specific situation, for OP’s specific needs, she does need a man. She doesn’t want to use a vibrator, she wants to have sex with a man.

OP - when he did desire you and you had a good sex life, was anything different about either of you? Was your lifestyle different? Less pressured? Do either of you look drastically different?
I'm wondering if you can rekindle what worked then for both of you

Is your DH aroused by other people? Or not by anyone?

This? That you feel he doesn’t think you’re hot?
That’s very damaging for you.

Can he get an erection?

He doesn't masturbate. Doesn't fancy other people. Morning glory at times. He probably does have ED but the lack of desire is the more pressing issue.

Yes he can.