Confused about whether to leave happy marriage or not

[GlassLampshades]

Please, please be gentle. I've been going through a lot this past year with teenagers / ill parent, etc, and my mental state is fragile. Basically, seeing my mum become completely incapacitated after an accident this time last year seems to have triggered some sort of mid life crisis / self reflection which is coming to a head now due to the Christmas period which I have always found very stressful and emotional anyway.

I'm also on a two week holiday from a very stressful job which I actually use to avoid confronting any feelings I have so now I have more headspace to actually think things through.

I'm 43. DH is 50. We have been together 18 years and have two teenagers. He's the smartest, kindest, most loving person I could ever hope for. A fantastic husband and father. He's absolutely gorgeous too and very affectionate, generous and great company. We went out last night and had an absolute blast together. We have a lovely house and lifestyle.

The one fly in the ointment is his lack of libido. We have talked and he would be happy to never have sex again. He has no desire at all. Meanwhile mine is through the roof. Being near him is torture because I have such strong desire and there is just nothing from him. He does make a huge effort for me because he knows it's important but his lack of desire is killing me. We can go through the motions but it is not working for me because his heart is not in it.

It's breaking my heart because we love each other and we are soulmates but my need to be with someone who has sexual desire for me is becoming unbearable.

We have talked about it but it's a very painful topic for both of us and there is so much hurt and pain there. I don't think he will agree to opening the marriage. He is willing to split if I decide that I cannot continue in this way. He understands that what I am asking for is not unreasonable in any way but he cannot change how he feels.

I'm just so frightened that I would be throwing away something so wonderful because I want to have sex. It seems so pathetic. And there is no guarantee I would ever meet anyone else who ticks all the boxes.

I'm just confused, anxious and afraid of fucking up my life if I leave, and fucking up my life if I stay.

Any advice gratefully received.

the OP. Not suggesting you’re grey😂

In all circumstances above I would advice the wife to open the marriage. If I were that wife (endo, menopausal etc) I would discuss with my partner opening the marriage. I wouldn’t be able to torture someone like this. It’s sadistic. Open the marriage or divorce.

In my experience, unless there is a medical reason, when sex stops marriage is over. There are usualy many other problems underneath which eventually lead to that. Before sexual intimacy is lost, emotional intimacy is gone. The OP may not see this now, but If she ever leaves the marriage she might be stunned at how many things she ignored or didn’t pick up on.

Playing devil's advocate, could he possibly be gay or a sexual?

Given how you've described your situation if I was in your position I would stay put for now at least, try get to the bottom of the reason why he has no desire, it sounds like a very good man and life to throw away over sex which in the grand scheme is fleeting. I think you'd kick yourself not trying to figure out the root cause first

Exactly. It’s so hypocritical. Affair sites are full of men in exactly this situation - they love their wives but there is just no passion and they can’t live like that, so they seek it elsewhere.

They get absolutely flamed on here.

I think you have not even begun to exhaust the possibilities of this being medically caused in some way. For starters, he saw a doctor a few years ago, and thinking around testosterone and the male dip in hormones has advanced, he could use Viagra as well. Is he on anti-depressants? Is he overweight, does he have diabetes? I think until that is exhausted, therapy is not necessarily the right way here, because he does like cuddling you and touching you which I don't think he would do if he found you unattractive.

He probably has very irregular erections and can't sustain one enough to have sex- this is very typical for his age, and many men have this. Many men also take hormones, come off anti-depressants, or lose weight and get their diabetes treated and exercise more and it all comes back again.

He'd rather not bother as he can't face any of that, but that's his choice, it's not inevitable and I don't think he's willing to try. It sounds like he'd rather lose you than go to the doctor and have some more investigations and tests and possibly tackle this. I don't know why, maybe he's embarrassed.

If he's a wonderful partner, he could be a bit more willing to go to the doctor, or support you to have more fun on your own with him participating a bit, if he's not interested in that, then he's shutting the door on you as a sexual person aged 43 and I don't think that's so wonderful.

I can sort of relate to this. My dh quite a few years ago now started to get some ED, previously he had an incredibly high libido so this hit him hard but he didn't talk to me about it he just stopped wanting to have sex with me as often maybe at all (it was a while ago I can't quite remember) I felt like shit I thought he didn't find me attractive at all and it did really affect me and our relationship, even though 'the rest of it' was as good.

When he did finally talk to me I was relieved although it did take me quite a while to not still think it was about me. But he did want to have sex still and he went to the doctor got some pills etc.

So I know that feeling of being with someone and feeling like you're not desired and I don't think I could have lived like that for the rest of my life. It's hard to say though because things did improve for us.

Also my libido went through the roof because I wasn't having it, and because i didn't feel desired and it was having such an affect on my self esteem it's all I thought about. Probably if he'd have been the same I wouldn't have wanted it!

The point is no one can tell you how to feel and what to do. He has mentioned an open marriage which is quite a step for that to be an option rather than get help to overcome the issue for your sake.

He could benefit from some counselling as could you to decide what you want to do.

Also the ED was caused by prostate issues, no cure as such just management.

Also, on the occasions you do have sex, does he 'finish,' is it easy to arouse him? Maybe Viagra could work!

I would actually. Plenty of people do maintain interest in sex as they get older, it's not a given or "normal" that libido vanishes. It can do, and if it does for both parties, then it's fine.

But if it doesn't for the other person, it's not fair to expect them just accept not having a sex life anymore.

I think pursuing the options to revive libido is a reasonable ask. If it's work pressures, then finding ways to alleviate the stress (which will be good for them in all ways), if it's hormonal, speaking with a doctor, if it's psychological, trying therapy.

If it doesn't help, then at least you've tried - but to not bother and expect your spouse to suppress that side of themselves isn't kind.

Apologies I’ve not read the full thread, however has he had his testosterone checked? It’s massively under appreciated in men how much it can affect them! If not please do get him to get it checked. Preferably private as the gps in our area to say the least are shit at seeing it as a priority! Good luck x

Hello. I understand you want that connection through physical intimacy but the thing is that while it can be wonderful, it can also be passing. There’s no guarantee that you’d find someone with whom you’re sexually compatible and even if you do, the person may well not fulfil other emotional needs. So it could be the grass is greener type situation. Yes, sex might make you feel desired, but depending on the circumstances it may also may make you feel used or unfulfilled. I’m not sure what the answer is because I do understand where you’re coming from, so just some thoughts. Good luck x

@OP I know you said he's seen a doc a couple of years ago. But do you know what tests he had done? Did he have his HBA1c checked? This is a diabetes blood test, as type 2 diabetes is known to be a common cause of low libido.
I'd probably ask him to go back again and get some further tests done.

Couples therapy gets my vote.
I really would not rush into anything.

Sex / desire is not unimportant but you aren't able to think rationally right now, there's a lot going on and you are in the middle of a v traumatic period of your life.

Couple therapy if you can find one that you have rapport with is def a first port of call.

Regarding open marriage / dating / divorce
The truest thing i ever heard about dating was that taylor swift song
"And there's a lot of cool chicks out there"
"And there's a lot of lame guys out there"
Its the truest thing ever....

I think the key thing that makes the difference, though, is that the person acknowledges there's an issue and accepts and tries to rectify the problem in their marriage. If he had prostate cancer and couldn't have sex again, then the OP wouldn't feel resentful, perhaps, but he doesn't. He could do other things than have penetrative sex, he could talk openly without embarrassment about this issue, he could do therapy or see a specialist or go to the GP again, I think it's the shutting up shop and resignation that the marriage is over on that front that is probably hurting the OP so much.

Ah right ok. Tough one then.

Op, if he agrees it definitely sounds worth him trying testosterone to see if it increases his libido. Do some research and go private if possible. Also all the checks obviously to make sure theres no underlying health condition. It just seems so strange that he can have sex and you say enjoys it but only can manage twice a year. I'm wondering if it's stress related too as you say he has a lot going on so maybe therapy would be an idea too.

Really. Do not blow up your life over this. It sounds like you have a good marriage other than this.
There are NO great men out there for new hot sex and a lovely new relationship.
Dating in your 40s. Honestly don't bloody bother.

I think seeing a couples therapist is a good idea.

If I were you I’d want to ethically open up the marriage so that you can have your sexual needs fulfilled. Seems like the best option given the circumstances.

Agree. Especially as in a decade or so you too might not feel so worried about sex. And by the sounds of things the rest of your relationship is great.

couples therapy has been suggested but he is not the conflicted one, you are. Seek therapy for yourself in order to sort out your feelings and priorities. Resist the advice to seek a "cure" for him. He’s content and doesn’t need fixed.

I absolutely appreciate we are all different and therefore our sex drive is equally different. Is it possible your husband has low testosterone - it declines with age? How is his overall general health? Eating healthy, doesn't smoke, drinks moderately, not overweight? My husband is 51, and definitely has a libido - so I'm not sure this is related to age. I would be inclined to ask your husband to seek further help from his GP. He may need his hormone levels checking. I'm also assuming there's no ED either? It's unusual for a man at 50, to have a zero libido. Another comment suggested using sex toys on yourself, and your husband being involved? Is that something he would be comfortable with? Looking outside your marriage, to me could be the end of the relationship. Sneaking around behind your husband's back would be awful for him but equally could he emotionally cope with you being with another man, if he agreed? Once you start going outside your relationship, it starts becoming messy. Your husband sounds a wonderful man, and if he didn't have these issues with his libido, you wouldn't even entertain the idea of another man.

Finding a guy to have decent sex with is much easier than finding a good man to live your life with. I'd try to find solutions that mean you can continue living with the man you love while seeking an alternative outlet for your physical needs.

My boyfriend enjoys watching football which doesn't interest me at all, so he has other friends he does that with. I like lazy days in bed chatting and fucking which he isn't interested in, so I have do that with someone else!

Your husband has ended the marriage. He's denying you a huge need, he's told you that you can't get that need met elsewhere while married to him, and he's perfectly willing to let you go if you don't like it. That is not a marriage. That's someone who just doesn't care.

I have been in a longterm sexless marriage. I would never, ever have believed how terrible it is, had I not experienced it. It really plays with your mind and your self-esteem. The one person in the world who's meant to want you, doesn't. And neither can you get those needs met elsewhere, because you're married. I ended up feeling as if I was existing in this grey, bleak, quiet vaccuum. Other people could have sex and romance, but not me.

I think you should reframe your marriage as not being great like you've painted it. This person is so unbothered about you that he'd rather split up than have sex with you. Think about that.

My sexless marriage made me feel undesired, rejected, unattractive, etc. and also self-conscious, clumsy, a misfit...since then I've had three gorgeous lovers who really wanted me, but to some extent I still feel like a deeply ugly, unwanted nuisance and laughing-stock, and I never felt like that before. Don't underestimate the psychological toll that this situation will take on you.

Your feelings are NOT pathetic. It's abusive to deny your spouse all the special connection, excitement, affection, touch, and romance that comes with having sex....and to be fine with splitting up if you don't want to live like that. How you haven't chucked a drink in his face, I don't know.

I didn't cheat on my exh because I was all about iron-clad commitment, and now I wish I had. I wasted some of my best years withering on the vine while I was actually young and luscious.

It made me so sad to see other couples.

Taking sex away on a longterm basis for no good reason is a horrible, horrible thing to do to the person you're supposed to love. My experiences have given me a lot more sympathy for the sexual rejection in marriage that some men go through, if they are good husbands.

Find yourself a normal man who wants you like normal men want their wives. This is no way to live.

P.S. My experience made me vow never to get married again. They can do this to you anytime they like. It made me see how vulnerable we are when we get married. Our spouses hold our welfare in their hands. Never again, as long as I live.

A friend of mine was being driven nuts by her libido-less husband and she had a lot of luck on Ashley Madison, just saying. She said there were lots of single and divorced men on there because they didn't want commitment. Met doctors, wealthy business men, hot paramedics, and all sorts on there. She's still with a fantastic FWB from there who's a better lover than her husband ever was, she's not in love with him because she says he's way too filthy for her in real life, her husband still doesn't want sex, and everyone's happy. I'm JUST SAYING.

@ThatKhakiMoose I have been exactly in the same position and completely understand how you feel.
Only that on top of everything my ex also cheated. Actually it transpired that he was cheating repeatedly during his business trips. Like you, I never cheated and like you I had and still have men’s attention.
I left him and couldn’t be happier. Afrer three months of leaving him I had a fling/short term relationship/whatever and can’t tell you how much I enjoyed sex. Now I am looking for my next conquest 😄. I am perfectly happy to enjoy short term relationships. One of them in the end will become my life long partner. Getting married? No way. Absolutely not. To me marriage is just a legal contract to ensure your kids are financially secure. Otherwise not needed and you are so right saying that it makes you vulnerable on the hands of your other half. I am financially secure and can take care of myself. No need for a man. Only If he adds sth to my life. Otherwise I enjoy the time of my life with my friends and short term flings.

As for the women on this thread who advise the OP to have an affair and stay in a sexless marriage due to the financial status and society, I must say I feel very sorry for their kids and the example they set. I feel very sorry for their husbands who are beings used as providers and probably on the receiving end of a sexless marriage.