Confused about whether to leave happy marriage or not

[GlassLampshades]

Please, please be gentle. I've been going through a lot this past year with teenagers / ill parent, etc, and my mental state is fragile. Basically, seeing my mum become completely incapacitated after an accident this time last year seems to have triggered some sort of mid life crisis / self reflection which is coming to a head now due to the Christmas period which I have always found very stressful and emotional anyway.

I'm also on a two week holiday from a very stressful job which I actually use to avoid confronting any feelings I have so now I have more headspace to actually think things through.

I'm 43. DH is 50. We have been together 18 years and have two teenagers. He's the smartest, kindest, most loving person I could ever hope for. A fantastic husband and father. He's absolutely gorgeous too and very affectionate, generous and great company. We went out last night and had an absolute blast together. We have a lovely house and lifestyle.

The one fly in the ointment is his lack of libido. We have talked and he would be happy to never have sex again. He has no desire at all. Meanwhile mine is through the roof. Being near him is torture because I have such strong desire and there is just nothing from him. He does make a huge effort for me because he knows it's important but his lack of desire is killing me. We can go through the motions but it is not working for me because his heart is not in it.

It's breaking my heart because we love each other and we are soulmates but my need to be with someone who has sexual desire for me is becoming unbearable.

We have talked about it but it's a very painful topic for both of us and there is so much hurt and pain there. I don't think he will agree to opening the marriage. He is willing to split if I decide that I cannot continue in this way. He understands that what I am asking for is not unreasonable in any way but he cannot change how he feels.

I'm just so frightened that I would be throwing away something so wonderful because I want to have sex. It seems so pathetic. And there is no guarantee I would ever meet anyone else who ticks all the boxes.

I'm just confused, anxious and afraid of fucking up my life if I leave, and fucking up my life if I stay.

Any advice gratefully received.

Exactly. And her man doesn’t seem to desire her. And life IS short. And the OP CAN take care of herself.

Not by anyone.

She’s already said she doesn’t want to “take care” of this herself. Therefore, she still needs a man.

If it’s a need she can’t go without then absolutely she can leave and look for another man to fulfil that need, but she DOES still need a man.

And it’s a “package” thing, especially in life. Sex is an important part of my own relationship and I would be having serious thoughts as well in OP’s position, but if the risk is perfect man but little sex, or arsehole but lots of sex, I probably wouldn’t rush to arsehole because, while important to me, sex isn’t the be all and end all in all situations.

A sex therapist would be a good idea, OP. And if that doesn’t sort it?

I couldn’t live with no desire, ever.

That's sort of better as at least it's not a reflection of how he feels about you.

Although I daresay it feels like one anyway.

Yes we were younger, more carefree and had less responsibilities and more time. We are both now senior in highly stressful long hours jobs. We have a big house. We have two teens. We have many family issues with parents etc. The burden is immense but I feel like other people manage all of this and still have sex! That is what I see on mumsnet threads at least.

I want to cry sometimes reading the threads where people say how frequently they have sex. It's something I can only wish for.

When I say “take care” I mean financially. The OP has stated that she can take care of her own needs.
Between “great man, no sex” and “arsehole but good sex” there many other variations. You can find a good man and a fulfled sex life you know.

Sending you hugs OP. I hope you find the solution soon. Even If this means living separately and co-parenting.

Any chance he could be secretly gay?

He needs to go back to the doctor, explain the issue and ask to be put on testosterone to see if this helps. Go private if necessary.

I was in your position op with positions reversed. I can take or leave sex and it was hugely important to exdh. This was highlighted when we went to therapy and the counsellor asked how often would you ideally like to have sex and he said without hesitation ‘every day’ and I knew then I was never going to make him truly happy. I left two years ago. It was incredibly difficult but we both now have new partners. His new partner loves sex as much as he does and he is happy at a very deep level that saturates his whole life. I have a new partner who is more concerned with an emotional connection and isn’t as fussed about sex. I am happyier than I have ever been.

It may sound arrogant, but I am confident that I am an attractive person sexually, physically and otherwise. It's very much in his eyes only. My opinion of course.

There are variations absolutely but you only have to look at the many many threads on here of women, especially 30+, battling to find a good man, dealing with ghosting, arseholes, abusers, plus the local “are we dating the same guy” facebook pages rife with all of the men who like to play the field.

Is it impossible to find a good man and have a good sex life, no. But is it likely? Probably not. Very rarely do you find someone who is perfectly matched to you in absolutely every way, there are almost always compromises we make in our long term relationships. Funnily enough it is usually threads the other way around, a woman losing her sex drive and husband begging for it or leaving her over it after 20 years of marriage- interesting how on those threads the replies are “what an arsehole, thinking with his dick, is he a teenage boy, desperate, needy, creepy etc etc”, and yet a woman posts and its “guilt your husband into allowing an open relationship” “have a sneaky affair” or “just leave”.

There is no perfect relationship, however there are functional relationships.

There are good men out there. We have to question ourselves why we choose the wrong ones. Take responsibility. Dive deep into psychotherapy to undertstand your triggers.

Could you talk to him about how pressured he's feeling and whether a calmer or easier life would help his libido? Basically could you find out why his desire has changed so much by asking him to be honest, and then take a look at what you could both do to get him back in that headspace.
I appreciate that's a lot of effort, but he sounds like a good DH if you can sort the sex issue

This is possibly a crazy suggestion but could you try and reduce your libido instead of trying to increase his? Hormonal contraception can reduce a woman's libido.

Mismatched desire is normal. We all change I many ways as we go through life ... this is just one of the ways.

I would not end a good life together because of this as long as they share physical warmth and affection. Time for a bit of DIY with or without his involvement.

Not ideal ... but what is in life?

? Really..?wow

Maybe you can’t feel it because you may don’t have a high sex drive. It’s torture

what is in life? Sex! Passion! Love! Feeling alive!

But it doesn’t sound like OP did pick the “wrong” one, in fact it sounds like she picked very well. In her own words he is smart, kind, loving, a fantastic husband & father, gorgeous, very affectionate, generous and great company. I’d argue that’s actually the absolute best that anyone looks for in a partner. The ONLY issue OP says is the now infrequent sex, which wasn’t always an issue in their relationship, so unless your suggestion is that OP should have had a time machine to know that this is was going to become an issue then it’s really a moot point.

Out of curiosity though with your line of thinking, would you say the same to a man who’s wife had developed endometriosis 15 years into a marriage and so could no longer have sex as it was painful? What about a man who’s wife was stressed with work, children, family life and so as a result wasn’t in the mood for sex very often? What about a man who’s wife after 30 years of marriage went through menopause and so their libido reduced as a result? Would you tell those men that they should have chose a “good” woman, when your definition of good actually means “good in bed” and that cannot ever change for any reason because if it does then they become a “bad” partner and they should psychoanalyse why they chose them?

Because that IS what you’re saying. You’re saying he isn’t a good man, despite all the many amazing things OP has said about him, purely because he now has a low sex drive. I can’t imagine you’d say or even imply that a woman wasn’t a good woman just because at 50 she didn’t have a high sex drive.

When my self and my dh were trying to conceive he started taking preconception supplements and he said that after a few months they definitely raised his sex drive. Would your dh be open to taking some of these supplements for a few months to see is there any difference? You can buy them in any chemist

I think because you describe the rest of the relationship as so good, it's probably worth throwing everything at it, (if he's willing to throw everything at it) - doctor and potentially hormone treatment, therapy, etc.

If at the end of that (6 months to a year), nothing's changed, then it's whether to try an open relationship or divorce.

If he's not bothered enough to pursue all avenues with you, then it says something about his view of the relationship.

Only you can decide. Would you consider taking a lover and staying in your marriage if sex is so important to you

But would you say the same thing to a woman? A 50 year old woman who posted saying that she’s under a lot of pressure with work, kids, family life and now has a low sex drive which her husband is thinking of leaving her over. Would you tell her that she should be in therapy, going to the doctors, taking hormonal treatments to fix it? Or would you be saying actually, that’s life, it’s natural, normal even, and that if her husband is making such a big deal of it in an otherwise very happy relationship then he’s probably an arsehole?

I think the suggestions of a lover are missing the point. What I’m hearing from grey OP is that she wants a partner where there is mutual desire. Ideally her husband, but if not, maybe someone else to fulfil all of that.