Confused about whether to leave happy marriage or not

[GlassLampshades]

Please, please be gentle. I've been going through a lot this past year with teenagers / ill parent, etc, and my mental state is fragile. Basically, seeing my mum become completely incapacitated after an accident this time last year seems to have triggered some sort of mid life crisis / self reflection which is coming to a head now due to the Christmas period which I have always found very stressful and emotional anyway.

I'm also on a two week holiday from a very stressful job which I actually use to avoid confronting any feelings I have so now I have more headspace to actually think things through.

I'm 43. DH is 50. We have been together 18 years and have two teenagers. He's the smartest, kindest, most loving person I could ever hope for. A fantastic husband and father. He's absolutely gorgeous too and very affectionate, generous and great company. We went out last night and had an absolute blast together. We have a lovely house and lifestyle.

The one fly in the ointment is his lack of libido. We have talked and he would be happy to never have sex again. He has no desire at all. Meanwhile mine is through the roof. Being near him is torture because I have such strong desire and there is just nothing from him. He does make a huge effort for me because he knows it's important but his lack of desire is killing me. We can go through the motions but it is not working for me because his heart is not in it.

It's breaking my heart because we love each other and we are soulmates but my need to be with someone who has sexual desire for me is becoming unbearable.

We have talked about it but it's a very painful topic for both of us and there is so much hurt and pain there. I don't think he will agree to opening the marriage. He is willing to split if I decide that I cannot continue in this way. He understands that what I am asking for is not unreasonable in any way but he cannot change how he feels.

I'm just so frightened that I would be throwing away something so wonderful because I want to have sex. It seems so pathetic. And there is no guarantee I would ever meet anyone else who ticks all the boxes.

I'm just confused, anxious and afraid of fucking up my life if I leave, and fucking up my life if I stay.

Any advice gratefully received.

I wish I could upvote this post a million times.

What do you mean, your "last few years" of amazing sex? You can have amazing sex for decades yet!

God, that must be insanely frustrating and disappointing when cuddling and kissing doesn't lead to sex. Are you sure he's not getting off on feelings of power and control by denying you this? It's kind of mean of his to kiss and cuddle you but to never want sex. Yes, I know it doesn't always have to, but in this case, it never does - or never would, if it was up to him.

Thanks for this. I'm in recovery from a very controlling relationship (he weaponised sex, among other things) so this will be helpful.

I second that. Psychologists and psychiatrists repeatedly point out that it may diminish due to hormones but high libido is sth you either have or not. It never completely goes away.
My therapist was telling me that she has clients who are over 70 and still have weekly sex with their spouse.

He doesn't want to fix the problem. He wants to kiss and cuddle OP and then have her lying next to him feeling tortured and as if it's unbearable.

I don't think he's a nice man at all. Wake up, OP.

OP, bear in mind that you really don't know if he masturbates or desires others. You're not with him 24 hours and you can't know his thoughts. He can get an erection. This does sound like he's withholding sex rather than really having zero desire or having a mechanical issue.

Are you sure he hasn't gone off sex because he's having it with someone else? Or is he gay?

Yep - @ThatKhakiMoose and OP, bear in mind that my ex was that “nice man”. He was withhoding sex providing exactly the same excuses OPs husband does. It transpired that he was cheating.
After extensive psychotherapy I realised that this nice man was very very subtly abusing me.
Why I hadn’t realised? 1. I was coming from a family where my father was very similar (covert narc) 2. I couldn’t see it bcs I was in the relationship.

If I was in your husbands position and I really loved my spouse I'd give him permission to use a sex worker.
As a woman you don't need to pay though.

Is he a good man? He knows how this is impacting you and yet what does he do? He is totally ignoring your needs and desires

HE needs to do something about this, HE needs to contact a sex therapist, HE needs to contact the GP and HE needs to show you that you are wanted and that this marriage is worth fighting for

Sadly, you are likely to find sex but very unlikely to find anything else. And I can imagine your DH will not stay single for long, there are lots of women who would trade sex for even half of good qualities your husband has.

If sex is so important to you, go. But be prepared to be on your own at an old age - sorry, I'm just being realistic.

You are only 43 Op. Menopause may not kick in for ten years or so and even then it appears there is a life beyond. It must be so torturous. It is not fair to assume someone (male or female) can just ignore a biological imperative indefinitely. For every woman who thinks it must be easy to just switch off desire, they must be living with a very different hormonal profile and feelings about themselves and their partner.

What is awful to live with is the fact that it boils down to your DH hearing what you are saying, but very clearly not caring to do anything proactive to help the situation. He was happy enough to marry a younger woman and it seems he is happy enough to let you face decades of sexlessness without a second thought. You are trapped in a really lonely and frustrating place, because you can't really discuss this with anyone else irl. It is thoughtless at best and deliberately cruel at worst - and I say that whether it is the man or the woman in this position.

Some men are terrible at going to the doctors, never mind for ED. Perhaps push him to get his bloods done, check his thyroid, check his testosterone and mention the risks of not having a healthy levels on his bones & muscles long term. Perhaps moving the language away from ED and into self care might encourage him more. How is his diet? Although changing that is completely intractable unless he is self-motivated. In fact, all of it requires motivation on his part.

What posts are you objecting to?
I wish PP would would be clear what they are or are not agreeing with.

That was on one of the “make sure you don’t lose the money and social status, stick with him and have a secret affair” posts. How unethical, low, disgusting. 🤮

I could cope without sex with a partner. I couldn’t cope without physical affection and (loving but non sexual) touching. Do you still have this?

Don’t have an affair- he doesn’t deserve that. You don’t need to decide anything quickly. I’d just go along for a while and see how it goes- it’ll become clear soon enough whether you can be happy like this. Also think that the mismatch may be particularly pronounced at the moment if you’re in Peru.

Sorry if this has been said as I'm scrolling before bed and haven't read the full thread but TRT works wonders if he's open to talk to his GP or get some privately.

Men in there 40s upwards will be taking this as regularly as women on HRT in the coming years.

But it could be something to consider talking to him about.

Sadly, you are likely to find sex but very unlikely to find anything else. And I can imagine your DH will not stay single for long, there are lots of women who would trade sex for even half of good qualities your husband has

I'm not sure a man who is 50 and wants to have sex twice a year will be trampled in the stampede. Most women of that age do not want a man who is over the hill sexually and they don't need them to have children/support their lifestyle necessarily. I wouldn't date a man who wasn't interested in sex unless they were very sorry about it, tried to do something about it and there was a medical reason underlying it. If they are not interested in sex at 50, then that's another 25-30 years without and that's a long time to feel rejected.

Neither of you can help how you feel. You feel how you feel and your feelings are valid.
Could you split amicably and remain/be best of friends instead of cohabiting spouses?

It’s not “wonderful” op if you are sexually frustrated and feeling undesired. It’s a serious issue and one that makes you deeply unhappy.
No advice to give really, I know it must be tough.

We have a tonne of non sexual touching and afffection but I've started to hate it because when it never leads to anything in spite of me wanting it to, I feel even worse.

I will see how we go over the next few months.

Thank you for understanding and validating my feelings.

Seriously see if you can get him some testosterone. If he has low levels then his libido will be low. Having some testosterone (available on Amazon) could perk him up. If it does then get him to see a GP to get his levels checked and the right dosage.

I wish you well.

Not wanting sex is abusive. Sorry but that is an absolutely batshit comment.

@GlassLampshades thats ok, I understand how it is. I put a similar post on here about oral sex and my partner lacking in this department and I got accused of sexual coercion. And when they give no reason for stopping sex or anything important to a relationship I do find it abusive as the other partner is tying themselves in knots and to the outside world it would look crazy to split because of sex. If I didn’t have sex with my partner regularly ( 3-4 times a week), it would be a deal breaker for me. Because as well as the sexual side you ferl so close and loved up after. That’s almost as important as the sex itself for me. You are too young not to have sex. But I know you have other stuff going on which is why it’s good to talk on here at least x

Checking his testosterone levels is a good idea. As is seeing a sex therapist.

If he is happy without having sex though, you really do need to consider whether celibacy is something you can live with. It is a big ask of yourself and could lead to resentment over time which will change the dynamic of your marriage again.

OLD in your 40s is no joke either though and there is no guarantee you’ll meet someone new. There aren’t many more fish in the sea (not good ones) at our age. My friends who date have a horrible time of it.

There is no easy answer.