Page 2 | Confused about whether to leave happy marriage or not

GlassLampshades · 2024-12-22T18:22:05+00:00

Please, please be gentle. I've been going through a lot this past year with teenagers / ill parent, etc, and my mental state is fragile. Basically, seeing my mum become completely incapacitated after an accident this time last year seems to have triggered some sort of mid life crisis / self reflection which is coming to a head now due to the Christmas period which I have always found very stressful and emotional anyway. I'm also on a two week holiday from a very stressful job which I actually use to avoid confronting any feelings I have so now I have more headspace to actually think things through. I'm 43. DH is 50. We have been together 18 years and have two teenagers. He's the smartest, kindest, most loving person I could ever hope for. A fantastic husband and father. He's absolutely gorgeous too and very affectionate, generous and great company. We went out last night and had an absolute blast together. We have a lovely house and lifestyle. The one fly in the ointment is his lack of libido. We have talked and he would be happy to never have sex again. He has no desire at all. Meanwhile mine is through the roof. Being near him is torture because I have such strong desire and there is just nothing from him. He does make a huge effort for me because he knows it's important but his lack of desire is killing me. We can go through the motions but it is not working for me because his heart is not in it. It's breaking my heart because we love each other and we are soulmates but my need to be with someone who has sexual desire for me is becoming unbearable. We have talked about it but it's a very painful topic for both of us and there is so much hurt and pain there. I don't think he will agree to opening the marriage. He is willing to split if I decide that I cannot continue in this way. He understands that what I am asking for is not unreasonable in any way but he cannot change how he feels. I'm just so frightened that I would be throwing away something so wonderful because I want to have sex. It seems so pathetic. And there is no guarantee I would ever meet anyone else who ticks all the boxes. I'm just confused, anxious and afraid of fucking up my life if I leave, and fucking up my life if I stay. Any advice gratefully received.

Gem359 · 22/12/2024 19:21

Don't listen to people saying have an affair, he deserves better than that. You say you don't think he will agree to opening up the marriage but what does that mean? Are you just guessing? I think it's a discussion that has to be properly had before you make any further decisions. Just don't present it as a choice of open marriage or you're going to leave because you don't want him to feel blackmailed into accepting an open marriage.

Mismatched sex drives is a complete deal breaker for me.

Original poster

GlassLampshades · 22/12/2024 19:22

OolongTeaDrinker · 22/12/2024 19:12

Your really high libido right now (if it’s only just got like this) is likely due to perimenopause- in a few short years this will likely to have passed and you will wonder why you threw your marriage away. The sister of a friend of mine went through the same thing, left her marriage and had a couple of short flings, but didn’t meet anyone else relationship-wise. Her husband did though and is now married to someone else who I guess is fine with his lack of libido and they have what looks like a very comfortable life together, while my friend’s sister is now single, in a rented one bed flat in her late forties and really regrets her choices.

This is what is worrying me. I understand it is hormonally driven. It doesn't make it any easier to live with though as I feel like I'm really missing out.

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nindo · 22/12/2024 19:22

12purplepencils · 22/12/2024 18:56

People saying to have a secret affair to satisfy OPs sex drive - isn’t that what some men do? Then get totally lambasted on here if they’re found out

it is!

nindo · 22/12/2024 19:24

GlassLampshades · 22/12/2024 19:18

Pretty much yes. He enjoys it but can take it or leave it and would rather leave it. He says the most he can commit to would be twice a year.

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So how often are you having sex? Your post is a bit confusing.

Original poster

GlassLampshades · 22/12/2024 19:24

Cerialkiller · 22/12/2024 18:59

If he loves you and cares about you is there a possible compromise? Could he be there for you but not partake himself? Could he use toys or watch you use toys or be cuddled up with you while you pleasure yourself? Might not be the same but enough to satisfy your needs?

That is quite similar to what we currently do but it's not enough for me. I want that feeling of being with someone who really wants me sexually.

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Elizo · 22/12/2024 19:24

Stickortwigs · 22/12/2024 19:15

Everyone is allowed to decide what is and isn’t a deal breaker for them. But there’s no way I’d leave the marriage you described for that. You only need to read the online dating threads on here to see what others’ experiences are of trying to find a new partner.

This assumes being with someone who doesn’t desire you sexually is preferable to being single? That is one perspective

Christl78 · 22/12/2024 19:28

GlassLampshades · 22/12/2024 19:21

It was much more frequent and was satisfying, we both had matching levels of desire etc.

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Ok, so it’s there then and there is nothing physical going on as per doctor. Then I m afraid it’s psychological. In a long term marriage desire always goes down as years go by but both need to make an effort to connect physically. Sorry to say this but it is only a matter of time before one of you falls for another person.

Christl78 · 22/12/2024 19:28

Elizo · 22/12/2024 19:24

This assumes being with someone who doesn’t desire you sexually is preferable to being single? That is one perspective

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Apparently this is a “good happy marriage”. Go figure…

Original poster

GlassLampshades · 22/12/2024 19:29

Accidentallyrude · 22/12/2024 19:00

Try again to get him to open the marriage. really push him to envisage what his life, finances, future will be like if you divorce and how you will both lose your best friend. And for what? For something he himself is saying is not important to him. If sex was so core for him he wouldn't let you and him go without it. So why would he care?

Opening your marriage could be a massive step on the way to a more evolved understanding of love and relationships. Reassure him there are plenty of men who would be willing to give you some occasional companionship without running off with you into the sunset or supplanting him. Men are actually really good at jolly companionable Fwb things without needing to fall in love with you. It's kind of their signature move, in fact.

You could try at least to get him to a workable DADT position so you didn't feel too sneaky about it.

I think I will raise this with him.

It has only been mentioned once before, by him, when he suggested that I could have sex with another man, but when he did suggest it I could tell that it was breaking his heart to say that and that he would prefer the alternative of divorce. He does feel bad that he can't fulfil that part of our marriage but he can't change how he feels.

I will consider mentioning it because the last time we said it, was very emotionally charged conversation and I was trying to be reassuring and encourage him to think about rekindling desire etc. However it hasn't really worked.

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SmileEachDay · 22/12/2024 19:32

OP, I have a very different situation.

My partner - who I’ve been with a couple of years - and I have the most electric chemistry. The sex is fantastic, and I’ve never felt more desired. I’m 50, he’s a couple of years older.

It’s done wonderful things for me, having this? Don’t underestimate the importance of sexual fulfilment.

Lovelyview · 22/12/2024 19:33

From what you've said, it sounds like you've had a fraught year and as you say Christmas is an emotional time. You don't have to make any decisions in a hurry so take your time to work out what's the right thing for you.

I was struck by you describing what it's like to talk about this with him. 'We have talked about it but it's a very painful topic for both of us and there is so much hurt and pain there.' You need to find a way to talk about it - maybe with a therapist - with fewer feelings of pain and maybe shame. Is your husband really prepared for your marriage to end rather than find a way to make it work?

Original poster

GlassLampshades · 22/12/2024 19:34

Christl78 · 22/12/2024 19:09

Hmmm, OP are you sure this is a happy marriage? Sex is a big part of connection and usually, before this is lost, emotional connection is lost.
I think you have got comfortable because of the financial security, social status and have missed other parts of the marriage.
But you haven’t told us. Has he always been like this? We are talking about huge difference in sex drives here. Not like “I want it 3 times a week, he wants it once”. You are practically telling us that you feel torchured lying next to him. Are you sure that this “sweet man” is not subtly abusive?

I really don't think he is abusive in any way. Sorry if I have given that impression. He acknowledges how I feel and accepts I shouldn't have to put up with it. However neither of us really want to part ways because we have such a happy life together apart from this. If I could flip a switch that stopped me having these feelings, I would. I'm sure he would flip a switch that gave him desire if he could. But neither of us can help how we feel.

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Chipolataloolaa · 22/12/2024 19:34

Somebody has put in a message here that it’s males ‘signature move’ to be good at FWB and no string sex et cetera. I think these kind of generalisations can be really dangerous. You just can’t make that assumption. I had to call the police last time I tried to have a fully agreed to FWB set up, and despite having completely seemed like he was fine with it, he absolutely did not accept it when I decided that we were going to leave it. He got incredibly upset and completely lost the plot as he wanted more than that and have become very attached. I don’t think that you can make an assumption that just because somebody is male, they’re going to be able to not develop feelings, et cetera et cetera I think this idea about ‘males are like this and females like this’ is very very unhelpful and can lead to a lot of confusion and mismatched expectations! .

It happened before that too with another casual set up, but just not as extremely and that guy didn’t go crazy, but I’ve not all found it to be a male signature move! Managed to slightly to develop attachments and feelings as women are and I’ve certainly not noticed them being very good at compartmentalising sex unless they’re having it outside of their marriages in which case anybody can be good at compartmentalising when they’re cheating..

People can’t help it if they start to develop feelings for somebody and their gender is not going to be the deciding factor in that. Just saying. Opening your marriage might actually end up becoming incredibly complicated and it’s not something to be taken lightly.

I did feel a massive amount of compassion for you when I read your post though because that is so hard. In the past I was in a relationship that was similarly mismatched in the sex department. My drive was extremely high and he was affectionate but not really bothered about sex. it sounds like you have so much going for you both I can imagine how desperately lonely it must feel wanting intimacy from somebody you desire who doesn’t want the same kind of intimacy with you.

I really hope that somehow it works out for you.

MyrtleStrumpet · 22/12/2024 19:34

I suggest he gets some testosterone, available on Amazon. It could bring back his sex drive. I suggest this rather than a doctor because it's discreet and he doesn't have to answer questions that he might be embarrassed to answer.

Original poster

GlassLampshades · 22/12/2024 19:36

nindo · 22/12/2024 19:24

So how often are you having sex? Your post is a bit confusing.

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A few times a year at most.

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Original poster

GlassLampshades · 22/12/2024 19:37

Chipolataloolaa · 22/12/2024 19:34

Somebody has put in a message here that it’s males ‘signature move’ to be good at FWB and no string sex et cetera. I think these kind of generalisations can be really dangerous. You just can’t make that assumption. I had to call the police last time I tried to have a fully agreed to FWB set up, and despite having completely seemed like he was fine with it, he absolutely did not accept it when I decided that we were going to leave it. He got incredibly upset and completely lost the plot as he wanted more than that and have become very attached. I don’t think that you can make an assumption that just because somebody is male, they’re going to be able to not develop feelings, et cetera et cetera I think this idea about ‘males are like this and females like this’ is very very unhelpful and can lead to a lot of confusion and mismatched expectations! .

It happened before that too with another casual set up, but just not as extremely and that guy didn’t go crazy, but I’ve not all found it to be a male signature move! Managed to slightly to develop attachments and feelings as women are and I’ve certainly not noticed them being very good at compartmentalising sex unless they’re having it outside of their marriages in which case anybody can be good at compartmentalising when they’re cheating..

People can’t help it if they start to develop feelings for somebody and their gender is not going to be the deciding factor in that. Just saying. Opening your marriage might actually end up becoming incredibly complicated and it’s not something to be taken lightly.

I did feel a massive amount of compassion for you when I read your post though because that is so hard. In the past I was in a relationship that was similarly mismatched in the sex department. My drive was extremely high and he was affectionate but not really bothered about sex. it sounds like you have so much going for you both I can imagine how desperately lonely it must feel wanting intimacy from somebody you desire who doesn’t want the same kind of intimacy with you.

I really hope that somehow it works out for you.

Yes I can imagine it becoming hideously complicated even if we did decide to go down that road.

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Original poster

GlassLampshades · 22/12/2024 19:41

isthesolution · 22/12/2024 18:59

It's always really interesting to me the way the advice changes based on whether a man or woman asks this question.

I'd get a good vibrator and stay in the, otherwise, happy marriage.

When you say he 'goes through the motions' are you saying he is having sex with you to meet your needs but his heart isn't really in it? Because honestly A LOT of married women do just that. And I don't think he can do much more? He can't make himself want sex unfortunately.

I have no issue taking care of my own needs. It's the lack of physical connection with another person that I am finding difficult to bear.

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Christl78 · 22/12/2024 19:42

I’m really surprised that so many women advise to stay in a sexless marriage. I am also surprised at how many women advice to have an affair?
I am also surprised at how many women say “X had a sexless marriage, chose to leave and look how lonely she is now”. How misogynistic! Wow

OP, I know loads of women who left their sexless marriages and have the time of their lives! Including myself! I know many women, most, who already found a partner! HOWEVER: I do know women who haven’t and STILL have the time of their life. A WOMAN DOESN’T need a man to validate her existence! My God! What am I reading here?

OP, life is short. Sex IS life. And you can have the time of your life without having a permanent partner! And it’s WAY more preferable living in rent (as If it’s a shame, but someone pointed this out as well) rather than living in misery losing your life! You live only once and you are half way through your life! Please don’t take advice from women who stay in miserable sexless marriages for the shake of society and because you they can’t take care of themselves. Wow!

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 22/12/2024 19:43

GlassLampshades · 22/12/2024 19:05

Yes he saw a doctor a few years ago and there were no issues identified. I don't think there's been a decline as such but raising young children, busy life etc, meant that it wasn't a big deal for many years. In the last few years that's changed for me, but he's happy with things as they are.

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I would maybe see a different doctor.

My DH has been ill and has had to go onto testosterone gel as replacement therapy.

Prior to getting ill, he was very active in that department and he is again. It might be that your DH would benefit from having a little more testosterone and that is all. There are health benefits to having adequate levels too. He needs to see an endocrinologist but if he is happy as he is, then you have to respect that obviously.

Original poster

GlassLampshades · 22/12/2024 19:43

Lovelyview · 22/12/2024 19:33

From what you've said, it sounds like you've had a fraught year and as you say Christmas is an emotional time. You don't have to make any decisions in a hurry so take your time to work out what's the right thing for you.

I was struck by you describing what it's like to talk about this with him. 'We have talked about it but it's a very painful topic for both of us and there is so much hurt and pain there.' You need to find a way to talk about it - maybe with a therapist - with fewer feelings of pain and maybe shame. Is your husband really prepared for your marriage to end rather than find a way to make it work?

He is open to seeing a therapist. That is one thing we can do in the new year if I can find one.

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Original poster

GlassLampshades · 22/12/2024 19:46

SmileEachDay · 22/12/2024 19:32

OP, I have a very different situation.

My partner - who I’ve been with a couple of years - and I have the most electric chemistry. The sex is fantastic, and I’ve never felt more desired. I’m 50, he’s a couple of years older.

It’s done wonderful things for me, having this? Don’t underestimate the importance of sexual fulfilment.

I get it. It's just the fear that I'm going to blow up my life over it. But the flip side is the regret of missing out on my last few years of amazing sex.

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Lovelyview · 22/12/2024 19:47

GlassLampshades · 22/12/2024 19:43

He is open to seeing a therapist. That is one thing we can do in the new year if I can find one.

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That's great news. I agree with others that seeing a doctor again would also be a good idea. I really hope you and your husband can get this sorted.

SmileEachDay · 22/12/2024 19:47

GlassLampshades · 22/12/2024 19:41

I have no issue taking care of my own needs. It's the lack of physical connection with another person that I am finding difficult to bear.

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Is there much physical affection? Non sexual, I mean.

OolongTeaDrinker · 22/12/2024 19:48

Christl78 · 22/12/2024 19:42

I’m really surprised that so many women advise to stay in a sexless marriage. I am also surprised at how many women advice to have an affair?
I am also surprised at how many women say “X had a sexless marriage, chose to leave and look how lonely she is now”. How misogynistic! Wow

OP, I know loads of women who left their sexless marriages and have the time of their lives! Including myself! I know many women, most, who already found a partner! HOWEVER: I do know women who haven’t and STILL have the time of their life. A WOMAN DOESN’T need a man to validate her existence! My God! What am I reading here?

OP, life is short. Sex IS life. And you can have the time of your life without having a permanent partner! And it’s WAY more preferable living in rent (as If it’s a shame, but someone pointed this out as well) rather than living in misery losing your life! You live only once and you are half way through your life! Please don’t take advice from women who stay in miserable sexless marriages for the shake of society and because you they can’t take care of themselves. Wow!

I am also surprised at how many women say “X had a sexless marriage, chose to leave and look how lonely she is now”. How misogynistic! Wow

How is relating a real life experience of someone I know in any way misogynistic? Do you even know what that word means? Also not everyone thinks ‘sex IS life’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

category12 · 22/12/2024 19:50

I'd go down the road of therapy / sex therapy if he's open to it.

I don't really get why he'd prefer to divorce than open up the relationship if he doesn't want sex. It seems a bit dog in the manger-ish, but I suppose feelings aren't necessarily logical. It's not like if he met someone new they wouldn't expect sex.