Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

[Rokubox]

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

I think the evil wicked stepmother is on the thread.....

The op did say that his marriage was on the rocks and his then wife had an affair the year before he started with his now wife, so I doubt it was completely down to her that the marriage broke up.

However she is being ridiculous in not forgiving her step-daughter. For goodness sakes, most of us have to forgive a lot more than a heated row and a drink thrown at us in our lives. We move on. Grown up people should also show a little tolerance towards teenagers, the girl is different now and has apologised.

Op, what are you going to do about this? Are you currently happily married?

what can you expect from someone who fucks a married man.

This.

I think the bitter ex-wives and deeply unhappy (grown-up) children are on the thread .

so I doubt it was completely down to her that the marriage broke up.

It clearly wasn't but she still shagged a married man with kids.

Any decent, well adjusted person would stay well clear while he was married and living with his wife and family.

Some of us are in neither of those camps but can see cheaters and people who get involved with married folks for what they are.

Or rape survivors who understand that a basic stranger hounding and harassing a rape victim of a few weeks over something that was none of the stranger's business are here.

But seriously who cares about morality tales nowadays apart from some mumsnetters? Do you want her to sow a red A on her coat? What is the point of throwing insults, do you have relevant advice to offer rather than deflecting on your moral high horse?

No one comes out well in this situation but it seems your DD is willing to make a go of it with your wife & to attempt to move on.

I think after 8 years there is little point in her apologising for the almost legendary drink throwing, surely that will just drag everything up again?

Your wife needs to be mature about this and just accept your daughter into her home graciously and simply be polite to her.
It's then up to your daughter to acknowledge this and be polite back .

That's all, no big discussions about who did what, said what etc. Just all be polite, civil adults for everyone's sake.

Life is just too, too short for all this nonsense & it seems your daughter is realising this. It's time for your wife to realise it too. And, as I said before, if she loved & cared for you she would.

Spot on.

If it were me, I am the wife. I would make myself scarce when you invite your daughter over, your wife is being extremely unreasonable. She is the older adult and should know better, put her out of the house on Boxing Day. Let your daughter in.

You don't seem to understand my basic point.

She's a dickhead.

Her shagging a married man with kids showed she was a dickhead then.

Her behaviour towards op's daughter now corroborates that she's a dickhead.

Her calibre is obvious. Immature, selfish, unreasonable etc. What did he expect. No decent person would've gotten involved with him when he was married with kids and living at home.

My advice to op is wake up to what he shagged and then partnered - which is low quality - and make his decisions based on that.

Especially given he took shit from her sons stoically and maturely, but she can't/won't do the same for his daughter. Who had also recently been SA'd, which presumably her sons hadn't been.

who cares about morality tales

People still don't like cheaters.

People still judge.

People remember.

That doesn't change.

Do you want her to sow a red A on her coat?

Why would you need to do that when she has dickhead stamped on her forehead.

Anyway, no - I would want her to act reasonably, maturely, unselfishly and stoically; something she's clearly incapable of doing.

OP posted She’s refused to apologise and I didn’t push it because of what I put her through (divorce) and because of what she had been through. My wife was never happy I didn’t force an apology.

Just because you missed this is no reason to accuse me of lying. Reported.

Er, that was then. You missed that she attempted to speak with her at a gathering, and was ignored.
And again, when she was going to come over on Boxing Day. And the wife cancelled that, too.
So my comment still stands!

It would be nice if she could take some responsibility for her actions, grow up and stop forcing her step daughter out of her father’s life.

Funnily enough, that would also be my advice.

However, I doubt such a hateful woman and weak man will do anything of the kind.

She has tried to apologise since and the wife ignored her. There has been no opportunity for the daughter to either apologise or extend an olive branch because the older woman is acting like a badly behaved child and won’t allow it.

Wife has successfully pushed DD out of the family. Why would she want to be faced with an apology and having to let her back in now?

100% this.

OP you seem very passive. It’s your home too - if you want to see your dd on Boxing Day in your own home you can. Equally your wife is quite entitled to take herself out of the equation while your dd is there. I hope for your sake she doesn’t - you showed her sons grace and understanding it’s time your wife did the same for your dd.

Well I think most people…,any loving mum would be advise their daughters to keep well clear of married men….even if it was to prevent heartbreak for their daughters.
most people wouldn’t want a marriage with children to break up - the effects of affairs having far reaching ripple effects, that csn go on for years ….as we see here.

Lots of other posters had likely had affairs or been the other woman trying to minimise the harm of they've done and how selfish they are.

I think the posters saying throwing a drink is assault and the worst part of all this are the ones who sound unhinged.

If anyone can point me to a post saying that the daughter intended to apologise at the gathering, I'd be grateful. All I can see is that she attempted to make conversation. Of course we don't know her intentions but the OP has said that she previously refused to apologise and he hasn't said that she changed her mind.

One other thought OP, only you know the two personalities involved here. Being really honest with yourself whose behaviour has surprised you the most? That will give you an idea of who is being treated unfairly by whom.

This is not all about some squash seven years ago. IME (volatile in-laws!) drinks only get thrown in response to a particularly spiteful verbal jab.

It’s in the opening post : “We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on”.