Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

[Rokubox]

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

If I were you I'd tell your W that DD is coming and if she doesn't like it or can't be polite to make herself scarce.

She did it all by herself did she?

The OP’s wife wasn’t the only party to adultery. It was the OP who broke his marriage vows, not the affair partner. And how many men do you know whose opening chat up line includes the fact that they’re married ? Not to mention that the OP’s ex had already had an affair, so how about the man who should have remained a stranger to the married woman ? The double standards and misogyny here are astounding.

The power dynamic is important here, as is the context, which you seem to have missed out. It wasn’t a random stranger on the street, and it wasn’t an unprovoked attack. Obviously not excusing throwing a drink, but also you have to allow for nuance in judgement, especially because the wife isn’t exactly morally squeaky clean herself. Self righteousness is never a good look.

I understand that being raped was technically the daughter ‘problem’, but do you seriously expect a very young woman who has just been raped to act in a completely rational, thoughtful and mature way? I honestly find it very sad that you seem to have this deeply unsympathetic view of a young woman who was seriously traumatised. Yes, we shouldn’t take our behaviour out on others, but also- why the hell was the wife aggravating a recent rape victim? Why get into an argument?

I happen to be a sexual assault victim and find shouting/aggressive body language still very scary and it triggers me 10 years later. I personally wonder if the daughter was triggered by the wife shouting at her so recently after a deeply violent and traumatic experience. In that context, throwing a drink isn’t good, no. But can you seriously not understand it or have empathy with the daughter? Can you seriously not understand that it’s unfair for the wife to hold something against the daughter that she did while provoked and literally during the worst part of her life?

In the same way as OP should have come down like a ton of bricks on DD for throwing the drink. He didn’t. Didn’t insist on an apology, so no support for his wife. What else hasn’t she been supported with to still be this bitter 7 years on ?He’s painted her as an unforgiving bitch and yet l’m left with the impression he only wants them to reconcile for his own comfort. I’m not buying it. There’s a back story to this we’re not getting.

And the ‘someone’ who fucks a married woman ? OP’s ex wife had an affair. How is that any different ? Do you not recognise misogyny when you see it ?

Come down like a pile of bricks on your daughter who's just been raped? Absolutely ridiculous idea

Mum’s affair absolutely is relevant. It contributed just as much to the break up of the marriage as OP’s own - or did you miss the fact that OP’s ex ended up with her affair partner ? I’m surprised and saddened you’re a woman because the misogyny in your posts towards OP’s affair partner is shocking. Even more so in the absence of any detail.

absolutely shocking what DD was going through, l agree. Absolutely not an excuse for the way she behaved or for the lack of support OP showed to his wife.

And yet the mum ended up with her affair partner. So even after a year they were clearly still in contact. Mum isn’t an innocent party here. She’s just as much responsible for the break up of the marriage as OP.

Personally I try to distance myself from people who refuse to forgive others. Like, we're all human, who died and made you so perfect that you don't need forgiveness ever.

@Wordau we don't know what she knew or knows now about the DD's SA and depression/suicidal ideation. I think it's absolutely relevant whether the wife knew about what the DD was going through when the confrontation with the drink happened. Any adult who is more experienced and a parent themself should have been able to put some behaviour in context at the time (and since) however angry they were and been more flexible about forgiveness/moving forward given the traumatic events the DD was dealing with at the time.

so no support for his wife. What else hasn’t she been supported with to still be this bitter 7 years on ?

Dont understand this....the wife has 'won' - she got everything she wanted as the OP has complied with her flip-flopping whims and demands throughout - the DD has been exluded from her fathers home for 7 years, the wife has agreed TWICE to opportunities for an olive branch and then pulled the rug in vexatious deeply hurtful actions which has exacerbated any chance of a reconcilation ... but the OP is still standing by his wife and facilitating/enabling her cruel actions towards his DD and letting this erode his relationship with his own DD.

Wtaf are you on about?

What a huge assumption to make with no basis (the assumption that I or anyone would only judge the op's affair partner, not his cheating ex wife).

This thread isn't about the op's ex wife!

If you want to discuss how much of a scummer any woman or man who cheats, let alone while married, let alone with kids is ....and how relatively shitty they are in relation to married men's mistresses on the shitty scale ... then start your own thread about that!.

This thread is about the ongoing unreasonable behaviour of a woman who shagged a married man with kids.

(And the almost equally unreasonable behaviour of a married man who cheated (after being cheated on by his wife)).

This is not about his ex wife ...it's about his current wife and daughter.
That's why she's not being discussed.

It sounds like she wants to continue punishing your daughter. When she said she’d speak to her at the party she always intended to ignore her - to make a point. Likewise with ‘allowing’ (it’s your house too and presumably you’ll see her sons) on Boxing Day then suddenly changing her mind days before - yet again she’s playing mind games and fucking with your family. It’s abusive bc it is controlling. It’s a shared house you should have your daughter there when you want, as I assume she has her sons round when she wants. If she really can’t put the past behind her and move on (like your daughter presumably has over your affair) she needs to grow up and you need to ask whether she really loves you as this is something you feel strongly about but have given her her way ahead of your own daughter for 7 years. If she keeps threatening to leave if you do something as natural as wanting to see your daughter in your own home that’s seriously not right. Why live like that and let her dictate to you?

If she can’t be in the same house then invite your daughter to YOUR house when she’s out, no need to hide it, why on earth should you?! What gives her the right to bar you from inviting her over when she isn’t even there?

There may be more to it of course and your daughter is more of a challenge to her being female than your son, and could possibly remind her of your ex wife who I’d assume she’s not a fan of. It also could boil down to jealousy for your attention and affection. Whatever, she sounds toxic.

Mum isn’t an innocent party here. She’s just as much responsible for the break up of the marriage as OP.

Who said she was?

What relevance has she to the topic at hand and the op's request for perspectives/advice?

It's off topic.

I’ll also add that she’s likely hoping your daughter will throw the towel in with you as well as her then she’ll have eliminated any competition and continue to be your number 1 priority. She’s pathetic.

I can only imagine this discussion about YOUR son's uni course and route was to do with money as why else would your current wife be bothered.

It sounds as though your daughter was defending her brother.

Mum’s affair absolutely is relevant. It contributed just as much to the break up of the marriage as OP’s own

But this thread has nothing to do with the apparently long broken up marriage between the op and his ex wife.

It's about the relationship between his current wife (former affair partner) and his DD.

Specifically his current wife's behaviour.

(If you're referring to people criticising his current wife for her behaviour, past and present; his ex wife's behaviour has nothing to do with that, and does not ameliorate it.

His current wife is still a woman who cheated with a married man with kids (whatever the state of the marriage and whatever the behaviour of op's ex wife) when a self respecting, well adjusted person would have stayed well clear. She's still a person behaving like this to her step daughter. Spiteful, selfish, unreasonable, power tripping, lacking empathy, hard-line, cruel etc. etc.

I agree that this is her goal - for you to become estranged from your DD ... shes been trying for 7 years - not suceeded so is upping the ante.

This to me sounds like you are getting itchy feet, finding a similar excuse to end your marriage due to the same circumstances existing which parted your ex wife and her lover.

Is this what this is, an exercise in providing the excuse for the next chapter of your life. If it is don't blame your daughter for the ending of your relationship.

You also sound in this post quite sympathetic towards your ex wife, things are turning, your daughter will be pleased.

Remember to put her first going forward, you have placed her on the back burner for too long.

Oh, wow. This thread is an absolute shitshow.

The OP’s daughter has chosen not to have any kind of relationship with the OP’s wife for 11 years. 11 YEARS!

She ignored the wife’s existence for 4 years. Threw a drink over her. And then ignored her existence again for a further 7 years.

The thread has descended into absolute fantasy about the wife instigating an argument with the DD, harrassing and abusing her and preventing her from having a relationship with her father.

There is nothing in the OP’s posts to suggest that at all. In fact, the OP and his DD have been happy to have a parallel relationship until this point.

It seems like the wife is completely over being ignored by the DD, has accepted this as the status quo and is understandably not willing to now jump to the DD’s demand that the past 11 years be simply put behind them now that it doesn’t suit her. The OP’s son and grandson seem to have an amicable enough relationship with the wife.

If the DD is feeling “left out” of the family, it is entirely of her own doing. It is not something that can be fixed overnight, and making small talk with the OP’s wife at a family gathering after 11 years of silence is not the way to do it.

I don't see it as holding something against the daughter. I have stopped speaking to people for far less. No I don't have any sympathy for the daughter, nor the wife for that matter. I simply think that anybody can stop speaking to anybody else for any reason they want to, irregardless of some immeterial connection like both having a relationship/connection to the same man. I know myself, that once I stop speaking to somebody, I see anybody trying to pressure me into re-establishing contact as a busy body. Id be particularly put out after 7 years as well. Nobody owes anybody anything. It's egocentric to think that after that amount of time you have to right to demand civility let alone a relationship. Id have laughed in her face.

I love my husband dearly, his daughter (26) and I don’t get on at times, that’s life but I wouldn’t do anything to harm her and her father’s relationship.

Well all I can say is that I’m sorry that you feel this way about human relationships. I honestly find your situation sad.