Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

[Rokubox]

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

You can stop speaking to absolutely anybody for any reason. Having weak boundaries leads most people to be pushed around, continue relationships that make them unhappy, and allow themselves to be treated badly by family.

It doesn't matter the circumstances or the abortion. Those are her personal issues and she has no right to take them out on a woman who is essentially a stranger. If a woman posted here that a man had thrown a drink on her she would be rightly told it is abuse and she does not need to tolerate it. It is now too late to salvage a relationship. Apologies don't have to be accepted and even if they are you don't need to go on and pretend to play happy families with somebody you don't like. It isn't about being more mature or a better person, it's simply refusing to engage with somebody you have no reason to engage with.

That same stranger had no right to harass another person over their brother's uni preferences

Here you are - she specifically wanted to speak to her to make amends.

“We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on”.

A "person you have no reason to engage with"??
She's her husband's daughter fgs!

I am shocked & saddened by the number of posters who think continuing a grudge within a family, albeit a step one, is the right way to go.

Your wife loves the drama and the attention changing her mind the last minute.

So your wife lied to you about being up for reconciling with your daughter and then snubs her publicly when Dd says hello! Even if your daughter apologised your wife would not be interested. Your wife has been holding onto her grudge and this was her revenge. She really would love to see you heartbroken and your relationship with your Dd severed!

You need rid of wife!

Seven years of animosity is a very very long time. My own SD did not speak to me from 2011-2017. Before that, it was monosyllabic and grudging. I wasn’t the OW and DH supported me in the situation because I’d done nothing wrong other than, her dad loved me/married me. But, kids grow up. They get their own lives and realise, it’s time to move forward. My SD did.

Your wife must be open to this. Otherwise, the two of you have no future.

Should add. SD wasn’t a young child. She was 15 when we got married.

DH and I are now divorced.

The same woman who should have the decency to remain a stranger to a married man.

I don’t condone throwing a drink at anyone but neither so I condone adultery and prioritising the product of an affair over your teenage children.

The person who has the moral high ground here isn’t the OP’s wife.

Thank you, but making amends is not an apology, at least not in my book. It's part of an apology but there also needs to be an expression of regret and a statement of intent for the future. Just making amends is like buying someone off without acknowledging the hurt you've caused. I can see that many people disagree but we're going to have to leave it at that.

I’m inclined to agree. When my 23yr old SD came “back” after what was effectively a 7yr tantrum I was a) very happy for her dad who’d been put in a dreadful position and was deeply upset by her behaviour and b) relieved that we might all go forward and have some kind of blended family. However, not one single word of recognition for the years lost and the trauma it had caused. She did bring a bunch of flowers and much fuss was made but never any acknowledgment of what she’d done. An apology would have been absolutely beyond yet so, I just let it go and was rewarded by seeing her dad so happy.

Dont be ridiculous - its more than an apology - and the SD didnt have the opportunity to do either as the vexatious SM set it all up to humiliate her.

I feel very sorry for your family that your own flesh is rejected from your home with such hostility and bitterness. How must her brother and your grand children her neices/nephews feel that their blood auntie is shunned from family celebrations by the SM and the weak husband stands by and facilitates this exclusion and rejection.

You should have come down like a ton of bricks on your DW shocking behavior snubbing your DD.

You wife is being an unreasonable bitch.

We don’t know what the dd’s intent was, this is her father’s phrasing. Maybe she planned to apologise, maybe she wanted her SM to acknowledge there’s hurt on both sides. Whatever, “making amends” indicates a willingness to engage and communicate positively, which is a lot more than the SM has indicated she’s willing to do with her reneging on the Boxing Day invite.

Wow - missed that your DW has fucked your DD over a second time by agreeing to Boxing Day and then going back on her word. That sounds calculated and nasty for maximum impact.

And you think that she won allow YOUR grandchildren in YOUR home if your DD has any in the future....what sort of ogre is she?

The Wife needs to step up, move forward and realise that it’s time for bygones being bygones.

It was an awful time for our kids…

By the time she was 22, your daughter had suffered multiple brutalizing traumas and was suicidal. Not only had her family unit been shattered by her
self-serving Parents and their Affair Partners, she was then left with PTSD after being raped and enduring a termination as a result of that rape. It’s unbelievable that shortly thereafter your Girlfriend displayed such a lack of empathy and emotional intelligence as to engage in a heated debate about DS’s business with your suicidal DD. Yes, DD’s pouring the squash on GF was an OTT and inappropriate reaction, but feeling deeply vulnerable and out of control is a normal reaction for a rape/rape pregnancy victim. DD clearly lashed out after feeling goaded and taunted by the woman who had helped to injure her and destroy her family.

@Rokubox, I think it’s horrific that all this time you have been living in a home where your daughter is excluded … with a vindictive woman who despises her. Your Wife is a mean-spirited person who intentionally duped you and DD about the gathering so she could twist the knife. The same goes for the Boxing Day plans. She gets a buzz from agreeing via her devious lip service and then sabotaging you and DD. She is confident that you’re so in thrall to her that you will always sacrifice DD’s well-being for her. You proved this by your long-term willingness to kowtow to her and marginalize DD to meet-ups elsewhere.

You chose poorly, @Rokubox. This is not a good woman.

I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t prioritise their childrens welfare.
Your wife played a major part in breaking up your marriage.
She knew your dd had been SA , as a consequence had an abortion but still stuck her oar in claiming to know what was best for your sons education!
Yes your dd shouldn’t have thrown a drink on her , but equally your wife shouldn’t have been so argumentative especially at a time when DD was extremely vulnerable!
What right did she have to dictate about your son when she had broken up your family ?
I think your wife wants control and you want an easy life .
She changes the goal posts to control her own agenda and doesn’t care who she hurts.
Its your home too OP and frankly you need to stop being a whimp , your step children have free run off your home with past mistakes forgotten , why not your DD ?
The double standards are a massive red flag

*I think it’s horrific that all this time you have been living in a home where your daughter is excluded … with a vindictive woman who despises her. Your Wife is a mean-spirited person who intentionally duped you and DD about the gathering so she could twist the knife. The same goes for the Boxing Day plans. She gets a buzz from agreeing via her devious lip service and then sabotaging you and DD. She is confident that you’re so in thrall to her that you will always sacrifice DD’s well-being for her. You proved this by your long-term willingness to kowtow to her and marginalize DD to meet-ups elsewhere.
You chose poorly, @Rokubox . This is not a good woman.

100% agree.

Your DD hasn't suddenly decided that she likes your DW and would like a relationship with her. She is willing to do this to facilitate a better relationship with you.

Your DW doesn't want a relationship with your DD, she agreed to the boxing day event to facilitate a better relationship between you and your DD.

You see where I'm going with this?

“*I think it’s horrific that all this time you have been living in a home where your daughter is excluded … with a vindictive woman who despises her. Your Wife is a mean-spirited person who intentionally duped you and DD about the gathering so she could twist the knife. The same goes for the Boxing Day plans. She gets a buzz from agreeing via her devious lip service and then sabotaging you and DD. She is confident that you’re so in thrall to her that you will always sacrifice DD’s well-being for her. You proved this by your long-term willingness to kowtow to her and marginalize DD to meet-ups elsewhere.
You chose poorly, . This is not a good woman.”

This

Good grief. I’m sorry but your wife sounds like a nightmare. You need to review your relationship with her, not your daughter.

@Rokubox was your wife aware that your daughter was depressed and suicidal, and had been through something so traumatic at the time your daughter threw a drink over her? I may have missed you clarifying this as others have asked the same question. Whether your wife was aware of what was going on in your DD's life at the time is an important detail. Can you clarify?

This.

I can't believe your wife has agreed to meet and be civil to your DD then gone back on it, not just once, but twice.

For me that's a pure power play. Your wife is showing you and your DD that she's in control, and fuck the both of you in the process.

It's shameful behaviour from a grown woman. I hope you do show her this thread and she comes to her senses.

Assuming the wife knows now. Does it matter if she knew then?