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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

536 replies

Rokubox · 22/12/2024 00:28

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

OP posts:
YourGladSquid · 22/12/2024 23:04

Vivi0 · 22/12/2024 22:30

Oh, wow. This thread is an absolute shitshow.

The OP’s daughter has chosen not to have any kind of relationship with the OP’s wife for 11 years. 11 YEARS!

She ignored the wife’s existence for 4 years. Threw a drink over her. And then ignored her existence again for a further 7 years.

The thread has descended into absolute fantasy about the wife instigating an argument with the DD, harrassing and abusing her and preventing her from having a relationship with her father.

There is nothing in the OP’s posts to suggest that at all. In fact, the OP and his DD have been happy to have a parallel relationship until this point.

It seems like the wife is completely over being ignored by the DD, has accepted this as the status quo and is understandably not willing to now jump to the DD’s demand that the past 11 years be simply put behind them now that it doesn’t suit her. The OP’s son and grandson seem to have an amicable enough relationship with the wife.

If the DD is feeling “left out” of the family, it is entirely of her own doing. It is not something that can be fixed overnight, and making small talk with the OP’s wife at a family gathering after 11 years of silence is not the way to do it.

Edited

Even if this is all true, OP’s wife already sidelining DD’s hypothetical children is bonkers. These kids don’t even exist already and they’re already being guilty by association in that woman’s mind.

ChristmasEngineer · 22/12/2024 23:15

Vivi0 · 22/12/2024 22:30

Oh, wow. This thread is an absolute shitshow.

The OP’s daughter has chosen not to have any kind of relationship with the OP’s wife for 11 years. 11 YEARS!

She ignored the wife’s existence for 4 years. Threw a drink over her. And then ignored her existence again for a further 7 years.

The thread has descended into absolute fantasy about the wife instigating an argument with the DD, harrassing and abusing her and preventing her from having a relationship with her father.

There is nothing in the OP’s posts to suggest that at all. In fact, the OP and his DD have been happy to have a parallel relationship until this point.

It seems like the wife is completely over being ignored by the DD, has accepted this as the status quo and is understandably not willing to now jump to the DD’s demand that the past 11 years be simply put behind them now that it doesn’t suit her. The OP’s son and grandson seem to have an amicable enough relationship with the wife.

If the DD is feeling “left out” of the family, it is entirely of her own doing. It is not something that can be fixed overnight, and making small talk with the OP’s wife at a family gathering after 11 years of silence is not the way to do it.

Edited

Even though op has admitted that his relationship with his wive's children has not been pleasant at times and he has sucked it up due to his wife wanting her own children in their home.

This has not been reciprocated towards his daughter's relationship.

The power in that household falls firmly at the feet of his current wife, his own daughter is not allowed to visit him him in his own home.

Op has allowed his relationship with his daughter to crumble due to his wife's authority and inflexibility and his unwillingness to fight for the respect his daughter deserves.

Who on here would deny theirwn child access to their own home.
It's disgraceful.

TightlyLacedCorset · 22/12/2024 23:23

Vivi0 · 22/12/2024 22:30

Oh, wow. This thread is an absolute shitshow.

The OP’s daughter has chosen not to have any kind of relationship with the OP’s wife for 11 years. 11 YEARS!

She ignored the wife’s existence for 4 years. Threw a drink over her. And then ignored her existence again for a further 7 years.

The thread has descended into absolute fantasy about the wife instigating an argument with the DD, harrassing and abusing her and preventing her from having a relationship with her father.

There is nothing in the OP’s posts to suggest that at all. In fact, the OP and his DD have been happy to have a parallel relationship until this point.

It seems like the wife is completely over being ignored by the DD, has accepted this as the status quo and is understandably not willing to now jump to the DD’s demand that the past 11 years be simply put behind them now that it doesn’t suit her. The OP’s son and grandson seem to have an amicable enough relationship with the wife.

If the DD is feeling “left out” of the family, it is entirely of her own doing. It is not something that can be fixed overnight, and making small talk with the OP’s wife at a family gathering after 11 years of silence is not the way to do it.

Edited

This!! Nailed it.

Vivi0 · 22/12/2024 23:36

ChristmasEngineer · 22/12/2024 23:15

Even though op has admitted that his relationship with his wive's children has not been pleasant at times and he has sucked it up due to his wife wanting her own children in their home.

This has not been reciprocated towards his daughter's relationship.

The power in that household falls firmly at the feet of his current wife, his own daughter is not allowed to visit him him in his own home.

Op has allowed his relationship with his daughter to crumble due to his wife's authority and inflexibility and his unwillingness to fight for the respect his daughter deserves.

Who on here would deny theirwn child access to their own home.
It's disgraceful.

Show quote history

This has not been reciprocated towards his daughter's relationship.

How on earth can the wife reciprocate this when the daughter has wanted nothing to do with her for the past 11 years?

No one can force a relationship onto someone who doesn’t want it.

The wife has zero power or control in this situation.

The OP has had no choice but to conduct his relationship with his daughter outside of his and his wife’s home because the daughter has wanted nothing to do with the OP’s wife for 11 years.

He has not denied his daughter access to his home, his daughter has had no desire to visit him there because that’s where his wife lives. And the wife, to the DD, is non existent.

The consequences of her decisions for the past 11 years have now left her feeling left out of a large part of her father’s life and it is only very recently that she has decided that she would now like to visit the OP at home and to make some kind of amends.

The OP’s wife not wanting to jump right into a relationship with the DD after 11 years of nothing is completely understandable.

StormingNorman · 23/12/2024 07:46

Rosscameasdoody · 22/12/2024 20:23

And the ‘someone’ who fucks a married woman ? OP’s ex wife had an affair. How is that any different ? Do you not recognise misogyny when you see it ?

Edited
Show quote history

Tell me your an OW without telling me…

StormingNorman · 23/12/2024 07:50

Rosscameasdoody · 22/12/2024 20:20

In the same way as OP should have come down like a ton of bricks on DD for throwing the drink. He didn’t. Didn’t insist on an apology, so no support for his wife. What else hasn’t she been supported with to still be this bitter 7 years on ?He’s painted her as an unforgiving bitch and yet l’m left with the impression he only wants them to reconcile for his own comfort. I’m not buying it. There’s a back story to this we’re not getting.

Show quote history

He should have come down like a tonne of bricks on a daughter who suffering depression after a rape and the resulting abortion just weeks earlier?!? Because his goady wife didn’t have the emotional intelligence to back off when DD was getting increasingly upset?

I’ve just realised. You’re the bloody wife aren’t you?

StormingNorman · 23/12/2024 07:55

It’s not misogyny because I feel the same about med who have affairs with married women.

Un-fucking-acceptable. No exceptions.

StormingNorman · 23/12/2024 07:58

TightlyLacedCorset · 22/12/2024 23:23

This!! Nailed it.

Show quote history

Didn’t nail anything.

StormingNorman · 23/12/2024 08:00

Vivi0 · 22/12/2024 23:36

This has not been reciprocated towards his daughter's relationship.

How on earth can the wife reciprocate this when the daughter has wanted nothing to do with her for the past 11 years?

No one can force a relationship onto someone who doesn’t want it.

The wife has zero power or control in this situation.

The OP has had no choice but to conduct his relationship with his daughter outside of his and his wife’s home because the daughter has wanted nothing to do with the OP’s wife for 11 years.

He has not denied his daughter access to his home, his daughter has had no desire to visit him there because that’s where his wife lives. And the wife, to the DD, is non existent.

The consequences of her decisions for the past 11 years have now left her feeling left out of a large part of her father’s life and it is only very recently that she has decided that she would now like to visit the OP at home and to make some kind of amends.

The OP’s wife not wanting to jump right into a relationship with the DD after 11 years of nothing is completely understandable.

Show quote history

The daughter has tried. The wife is controlling not allowing her to make amends or allowing her in her father’s home.

tuvamoodyson · 23/12/2024 09:16

the7Vabo · 22/12/2024 04:54

I assume your wife knew you were married? Being a 17 year old girl is a very vulnerable time in someone’s life.
Your wife should be the one apologising to your daughter and so should you.
Leaving any other trauma aside if I’d broken up the family of two teenagers, orange squash is the least I’d expect.

It I were you wife I’d like to think I’d have the decency to feel some shame around the children of the man whose marriage I helped dissolve. You broke up their home & their family unit. You and your ex made vows to each other and you went onto have two children who should have been your number one responsibility. But at a time in their lives when your children were coming to the end of school, exams, starting out in life you were both playing away.

And your daughter has an emotional reaction to all the pressure she is under including serious trauma and this is how your wife reacts?!

Show quote history

I assume his ex-wife knew she was married when she had an affair the previous year which was rekindled….

the7Vabo · 23/12/2024 09:25

tuvamoodyson · 23/12/2024 09:16

I assume his ex-wife knew she was married when she had an affair the previous year which was rekindled….

Show quote history

100% as I have said in my previous posts all the adults in this scenario left the teenagers down horribly. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

OopsyDaisie · 23/12/2024 09:38

Meadowfinch · 22/12/2024 00:36

They don't like each other. Stop trying to persuade them. There is no need for them to live together so meet elsewhere or see your dd while your wife is visiting her family.

You can't force people to like each other.

Edited

Yes they don't need to like each other, but I couldn't live with someone who wouldn't "let" my daughter be in OUR house.
Your wife is unreasonable, selfish and childish. She doesn't have to like your daughter but needs to tolerate her and not ignore her so you can still have a relationship with her and future GC.
Tell your wife your daughter is coming on Boxing day, for her to swallow her pride and and be polite enough. End of.

Itisjustmyopinion · 23/12/2024 09:56

tuvamoodyson · 23/12/2024 09:16

I assume his ex-wife knew she was married when she had an affair the previous year which was rekindled….

Show quote history

And then ended when it was impacting her children. Unlike the OP who not only married his affair partner but has also enabled his wife to hold a grudge with his daughter for years

tuvamoodyson · 23/12/2024 10:05

Oh right…no problem then 🙄

Vivi0 · 23/12/2024 10:33

StormingNorman · 23/12/2024 08:00

The daughter has tried. The wife is controlling not allowing her to make amends or allowing her in her father’s home.

Show quote history

Suddenly deciding to make small talk with someone you have ignored for 11 years isn’t trying. Nor is it making amends.

It is not true that the wife isn’t allowing the DD into the father’s home. There is a little more to it than that.

Firstly, it is not just the father’s home. This is also his wife’s home.

Secondly, the DD has chosen not to visit the father and wife’s home for the past 11 years, because it suited her to pretend that the wife did not exist.

Just because it no longer suits the DD to ignore the wife’s existence, doesn’t mean that the DD now has free reign to just show up at the wife’s home after 11 years.

The expectation that the wife now pretend that the past 11 years have not happened, is not a reasonable expectation to have of anyone.

The wife has clearly has accepted and made peace with the fact that the DD will never have anything to do with her, which is understandable, because 11 years is a long time to ignore anyone. It is extreme behaviour and not something that small talk will fix.

The OP should afford his wife a bit more time to adjust to the sudden change. The DD has, after all, been afforded an entire 11 years.

Vivi0 · 23/12/2024 10:43

Itisjustmyopinion · 23/12/2024 09:56

And then ended when it was impacting her children. Unlike the OP who not only married his affair partner but has also enabled his wife to hold a grudge with his daughter for years

Show quote history

You have no idea who ended the relationship.

You are just assuming it was the ex wife who ended the relationship because it was “impacting her children”.

It could easily have been the affair partner who ended the relationship because he just didn’t want to deal with children making his life and relationship difficult.

but has also enabled his wife to hold a grudge with his daughter for years

How has he enabled his wife to hold a grudge against his daughter for years? His daughter is the one who has wanted nothing to do with his wife. From his posts, it is clear that he has enabled his DD to hold an 11 year grudge against the wife.

There is only a problem now that holding onto that grudge no longer suits the DD.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 23/12/2024 11:08

Mum isn’t an innocent party here. She’s just as much responsible for the break up of the marriage as OP.

Quite possibly, but this thread isn't about the mum. It's about the DD's relationship with her father's wife. Nothing else.

Spangledangle · 23/12/2024 11:16

Marriages end, people are allowed to move on and find love again. All this talk of families being ripped apart and shattered by divorce is hyperbolic. No one is owed their parents staying together forever.Divorce is upsetting yes but life must go on. Your daughter however was also allowed to be upset and angry, but she crossed the line when throwing that drink. Your daughter needs to apologise and your wife needs to apologise for the snub,swallow her pride and move forward.

the7Vabo · 23/12/2024 12:00

Spangledangle · 23/12/2024 11:16

Marriages end, people are allowed to move on and find love again. All this talk of families being ripped apart and shattered by divorce is hyperbolic. No one is owed their parents staying together forever.Divorce is upsetting yes but life must go on. Your daughter however was also allowed to be upset and angry, but she crossed the line when throwing that drink. Your daughter needs to apologise and your wife needs to apologise for the snub,swallow her pride and move forward.

The OP not only had an affair, as did his ex, they both moved in with their affair partners.

Yes, sometimes adult relationships don’t work out but there is a responsible way to do things and that wasn’t it.

The teenage children were left dealing with both parents adultery, they didn’t have a home to go to unless they went to live/stay with one of the affair partners.

When you are parenting young people you’d want to be a selfish ass to spend your time having an affair when you should be helping your children through their exams and making sure they get a good and stable start in life.

Both children in this case were upset about the divorce and then on top of it the daughter had to deal with a SA.

When you have children you have a duty to prioritise their welfare and their needs. Otherwise don’t have them.

Newgirls · 23/12/2024 12:28

Spangledangle · 23/12/2024 11:16

Marriages end, people are allowed to move on and find love again. All this talk of families being ripped apart and shattered by divorce is hyperbolic. No one is owed their parents staying together forever.Divorce is upsetting yes but life must go on. Your daughter however was also allowed to be upset and angry, but she crossed the line when throwing that drink. Your daughter needs to apologise and your wife needs to apologise for the snub,swallow her pride and move forward.

It’s great to find love again but it’s all about how you handle it. Lots of research out there say children in blended families are unhappier. It might be an inconvenient truth but it’s a fact. It takes a lot of skill and thought to make it work.

Spangledangle · 23/12/2024 12:38

Yes I agree @Newgirls and @the7Vabo it should be all about how it is handled and it was handled badly here.

ChristmasEngineer · 23/12/2024 14:14

Vivi0 · 23/12/2024 10:33

Suddenly deciding to make small talk with someone you have ignored for 11 years isn’t trying. Nor is it making amends.

It is not true that the wife isn’t allowing the DD into the father’s home. There is a little more to it than that.

Firstly, it is not just the father’s home. This is also his wife’s home.

Secondly, the DD has chosen not to visit the father and wife’s home for the past 11 years, because it suited her to pretend that the wife did not exist.

Just because it no longer suits the DD to ignore the wife’s existence, doesn’t mean that the DD now has free reign to just show up at the wife’s home after 11 years.

The expectation that the wife now pretend that the past 11 years have not happened, is not a reasonable expectation to have of anyone.

The wife has clearly has accepted and made peace with the fact that the DD will never have anything to do with her, which is understandable, because 11 years is a long time to ignore anyone. It is extreme behaviour and not something that small talk will fix.

The OP should afford his wife a bit more time to adjust to the sudden change. The DD has, after all, been afforded an entire 11 years.

Show quote history

Which is why I think there is something else going on, the wife has had her way for 11 years, happy for the daughter to be estranged from her father and the father was happy to be estranged.

But now he is putting his foot down, not his daughter, he is.

I think op is growing a set of balls and something outside of this is giving him confidence.

You don't just change tack after so long from nowhere.
Maybe op has had enough of wife number 2 or he's being influenced by some other interest that will be more open to accepting his daughter.

Personally I'd be worried if I was his wife, she's losing control.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 23/12/2024 15:09

Spangledangle · 23/12/2024 11:16

Marriages end, people are allowed to move on and find love again. All this talk of families being ripped apart and shattered by divorce is hyperbolic. No one is owed their parents staying together forever.Divorce is upsetting yes but life must go on. Your daughter however was also allowed to be upset and angry, but she crossed the line when throwing that drink. Your daughter needs to apologise and your wife needs to apologise for the snub,swallow her pride and move forward.

So did overstep yes, but we don't know what had gone on in the past that triggered her to do that. The wife needs to accept that if you are one of the people responsible for breaking up her parents' marriage and her home life as she knew it, then there is bound to be some resentment and a few battles ahead. She is not owed an easy ride by her lover's children. She should expect some difficulties and take that on the chin like a grown up.

The point is that the DD has matured, lots of time has passed, she's reflected and now wants things to be more harmonious between them. Her dad wants the same. The wife needs to be more forgiving for her the sake of her husband and his relationship with his daughter. She doesn't have to be her best friend but she could agree to let bygones be bygones and give it another chance.

StormingNorman · 23/12/2024 15:28

Spangledangle · 23/12/2024 11:16

Marriages end, people are allowed to move on and find love again. All this talk of families being ripped apart and shattered by divorce is hyperbolic. No one is owed their parents staying together forever.Divorce is upsetting yes but life must go on. Your daughter however was also allowed to be upset and angry, but she crossed the line when throwing that drink. Your daughter needs to apologise and your wife needs to apologise for the snub,swallow her pride and move forward.

Do you not make any allowances for the emotional state of women who have been raped, become pregnant by their abuser and gone through an abortion?

DD should have been treated with kid gloves at this point and nothing she did as a result of not being shown the compassion she deserved should be held against her. Not for a minute.

When the squash was thrown the wife should have apologised for pushing her too far on the argument she (the wife) was causing.

You must be as stone-hearted as the wife.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/12/2024 15:59

StormingNorman · 23/12/2024 15:28

Do you not make any allowances for the emotional state of women who have been raped, become pregnant by their abuser and gone through an abortion?

DD should have been treated with kid gloves at this point and nothing she did as a result of not being shown the compassion she deserved should be held against her. Not for a minute.

When the squash was thrown the wife should have apologised for pushing her too far on the argument she (the wife) was causing.

You must be as stone-hearted as the wife.

Edited
Show quote history

No one is denying that DD had had a rough time, but no, I really don’t think we should be ‘making allowances’ for bad behaviour - they are separate issues. Everyone has their own issues and their own problems. What kind of society would we have if we all felt we had the right to take it out on others ?