adult daughter stops us from going away

[Circedee]

My adult 24 year daughter stops me and her father from going away on our own . We have always had family holidays . Now the children are grown up finished Uni . Working . Still living at home . However sadly no boyfriends or girlfriends yet. We want to go away , travel and talk about trips . But she won’t let me she says "I can’t believe you would consider leaving me at home on my own and going away not inviting me for a whole week or two". She makes me feel guilty and so we don’t go away ever . What have I created , a monster ! I’m so sad .

She's not a child though is she, she's an adult woman?

Sounds like the result of this extended childhood nonsense that seems to be in vogue. People need to start prepping their children from teens to be Independent or risk this.

Usually it's the first post that nails it.

We have an unusual situation where the second post nails it.

Stop enabling her @Circedee. If you want to go away, go away. Take the breaks. We read way too often on MN that "You'll never know it might be your last Christmas/Birthday/Anniversary/Whatever event, so just go for it"....well, just go for it.

Life it way too short to put it on hold while you have a namby-pamby daughter that acts like she is seven!!!

She knows where the washing machine is or even the laundrette, right?
She knows where the food is kept in the house, right?
She knows how to cook the food, right?
she knows how to order food for delivery, right?

GO ON HOLIDAY!!!!!!!!!!

She stopped being a CHILD when she reached the ripe old age of 18!!!

Get a fucking grip woman - jeezus!!!!

Maybe I should explain more was trying to be polite and brief . Child Has been to Uni away from home and abroad , is working and can be physically on her own . However does not want to be on her own . Is always never far from us . We’ve encouraged independent living at uni , having friends , own holidays with friends , every school trip away etc . like whys along the way I’ve also encouraged family days , trips , dinner , shows etc . Balance between family and friends . There is no large extended family , cousins it’s just us .

I think there is something missing mentally and I am only discovering it now . And yes I do think it’s manipulative .
Has had a boyfriend very bad break up and he’s moved on . Been very close to grandparents sadly experienced three close family and friends sudden and tragic circumstances bereavement's very close together whilst child was a teenager . However still achieved academically . Have encouraged therapy but was not successful. Therapist was on zoom and not good .
I am kinda stuck have always put family first , education , working and saving myself and taught this to the children . Both children have been good at all listed above . Other child is independent . Am very proud of both their achievements .
Now. We would like to live a bit and was never expecting child to be so needy .
I was wanting constructive, empathetic conversation . Feel my parenting has gone wrong as I thought education and earning makes you independent . I don’t know about you but I think young adults are different these days not as we were . So I’m full of anxiety.

If she managed with everything when SHE was away from you, she can manage with everything when YOU are away from her.

Stop enabling her.
Enjoy your life.
See the world.
Travel.
She has her own life to lead and she should be doing that without being attached (metaphorically) to your breast at the age of 24!!!!!!

What are her plans now she has finished uni?

Could you do a compromise the first time, 2 week holiday for example and she comes for second week (but she has to pay)

@Circedee given your update, I would be inclined to have a frank discussion with her. She has no right to expect you to baby her, and as you say it’s concerning that she is attempting to remain in the role of a young teen or a child. You and her father have lives of your own and she cannot expect you to put them on hold for her because of her preference (and this sounds like a want, not a need). So maybe sit down with her over a cup of tea and just have the conversation.

The way she’s behaving is not typical of young adults these days.

I don’t think there is any deep psychological flaw here. She just has a preferred way of how things are and knows that if she is needy and guilt trips you, she’ll get her way. She maybe doesn’t even realise the impact it’s having on you if you haven’t spelled it out (she should have, but some people are so self centred without even noticing).

She will learn and adapt to your boundaries once you start setting them. There’s no other way to resolve this except for you to do that. She’ll moan and make a fuss but it won’t actually harm her, and in the long term it will do her, you, and your relationship a world of good.

She will manage without you if you go away. I think you just need to bite the bullet and book the holiday.

Nothing you have stated here indicates in any way that you cannot simply leave your adult daughter and go away on holiday?

The only barrier here is you.

Your daughter may not like it, but ultimately, tough luck. You’re doing her absolutely no favours by allowing her to dictate choices you make in your own life. It’s learned helplessness.

Thanks for the update, makes a bit more sense now.

Why don't you start with a weekend away, not too far from where you live, a couple hours drive and see how she handles that and take it from there.

I would definitely try and get her in to see someone, i don't think counselling through Zoom was ever an ideal solution, although i know with COVID this was the only options we were faced with.

I think back to therapy, but a different type/different person/ not zoom.

I think life can be scary and she's experienced alot of grief and perhaps she's struggling to process and transition forward in her life.

She's not a child!

Enjoy your holiday trips and send her a postcard.

She's not a child.

What's the rest of her life like? Working? Friends? Hobbies? Socialising?

Does she have any plans to move out?

Ah, I didn't see your update.

Not all young adults are like your dd.

Could you explain that when she went away to uni and abroad with uni, you were pleased for her, so she should be pleased for you and your h to go away?

Sounds like more counselling would help her, though.

So your anxiety is being manipulated by someone who may also be anxious.

You know the solution to this is to actually confront it head on with short weekends away stepping up to a full on two week holiday away.

Because the current situation is actually deeply unhealthy for both of you and it has to stop.

You need to stop avoiding the issue.

I'm puzzled as to why you moved from referring to her as your daughter to "child" and not using pronouns at all...

You need to take control of your own life. Just go away - she'll cope. You've allowed your now adult child to take control of your lives.

OP, I have three young adults. My eldest is almost 24, has just come out of a relationship and is temporarily home with me. If I said I was going on holiday by myself... she would cat sit for me. My middle and youngest are both autistic and yet manage independent life. Your DD is not a normal young adult. This is not how most young adults are at all. She needs help, she needs to move out and you need to put your foot down and live your life.

She needs to understand the world doesn't revolve around her and being alone for a week or two is going to make her stronger and more resilient. You're doing her no favours by pandering and allowing her to control your lives. If you reaaaallly want to tiptoe around, start with a long weekend but she has to understand you are a couple as well as parents and need time together alone.

Honestly, I think you need to just bite the bullet and book a long weekend away. She’ll realize that she can manage and then you can do a longer holiday.

I don’t agree that today’s young adults are really more anxious than we were, we just talk about it more nowadays. I was anxious when I was younger but have battled to overcome it, because I didn’t want it to restrict my life. I did need professional help to do this and if your DD also needs help, she needs to get it. At 24, you simply can’t do it for her, because she’s an adult.

Book a long weekend away and start enjoying your couple time. 💐

Have encouraged therapy but was not successful. Therapist was on zoom and not good .

Sometimes it can take a while to find a good therapist.

Have you explained to her that you going away with your DH is normal adult behaviour for coupes and if she was in a relationship you would expect her, after a while, to probably do the same? She probably doesn't realise how much this is affecting you.

If she is saying it's anxiety, what has she done recently to try and ease her anxiety? Has she been to the GP and talked about trying medication? Has she referred herself for Talking Therapies or is she relying on you to just never go away until she says you can, which might be never if you're all stuck in this limbo with her not getting help and you not going away for fear of upsetting her.

When you say "there's something missing mentally" do you think that instead if this, she ciukd actually be ND? I know it's often trotted out in MN but she is showing two classic signs, anxiety and an over reliance on you.

I woukd talk to her over the weekend if you can, my DD always responds better if we're on neutral ground like a coffee shop. Acknowledge her anxiety and show understanding for Joe it must affect her but ask her what she's going to do about it as you don't like seeing like this. There are so many positive things that you she can do to help herself these days.

I'd read up on ASD in young women and see if any of it sounds familiar to you. If so, think about brining up the possibility of that with her too.

So sorry for the typos. I hope you can follow my ramblings.