Page 10 | adult daughter stops us from going away

BreatheAndFocus · 20/12/2024 16:57

You’re doing her no favours, OP, even if you think you are. My ex was babied and indulged by his parents and in his 40s he’s still unable to live a truly adult life. He has his own place but is constantly staying with his parents. His mother does his laundry, comes and does his garden, tidies his kitchen, etc etc. He is selfish and weirdly unworldly. That could be your DD in years to come.

If you’re finding it hard to act, then think about doing it for her sake, and plough on. She managed uni and to hold down a job without you. I don’t think it’s the case that she can’t manage, but that she doesn’t want to.

Boomer55 · 20/12/2024 16:58

Just tell her to grow up, and live your life as you want to, 🤷‍♀️😉

notacooldad · 20/12/2024 17:46

. I don’t know about you but I think young adults are different these days
I disagree with about this.
My ' child'is a year older than yours.
Out of the peer group all of them have left home and are either housing sharing, renting or buying.
I have been leaving my kids alone while we go on holiday since they were around 17.
I think there is an issue with a lot of younger people in the 11-17 age bracket, at least that's my expierence through work but young adults that were adults when covid hit, not so much.
You haven't created a monster as you ask but I do think you need to start doing things away from her. Maybe not go on a month long luxury cruise but a week in Europe would get things started for you.

StrikeForever · 20/12/2024 18:04

Circedee · 20/12/2024 09:20

Maybe I should explain more was trying to be polite and brief . Child Has been to Uni away from home and abroad , is working and can be physically on her own . However does not want to be on her own . Is always never far from us . We’ve encouraged independent living at uni , having friends , own holidays with friends , every school trip away etc . like whys along the way I’ve also encouraged family days , trips , dinner , shows etc . Balance between family and friends . There is no large extended family , cousins it’s just us .

I think there is something missing mentally and I am only discovering it now . And yes I do think it’s manipulative .
Has had a boyfriend very bad break up and he’s moved on . Been very close to grandparents sadly experienced three close family and friends sudden and tragic circumstances bereavement's very close together whilst child was a teenager . However still achieved academically . Have encouraged therapy but was not successful. Therapist was on zoom and not good .
I am kinda stuck have always put family first , education , working and saving myself and taught this to the children . Both children have been good at all listed above . Other child is independent . Am very proud of both their achievements .
Now. We would like to live a bit and was never expecting child to be so needy .
I was wanting constructive, empathetic conversation . Feel my parenting has gone wrong as I thought education and earning makes you independent . I don’t know about you but I think young adults are different these days not as we were . So I’m full of anxiety.

I’m afraid nothing in your update changes my view on your situation. If she is capable of all that she has done so far, she is making a choice to hang around your life. You are still referring to her as a child. She hasn’t been a child for 10-years. Just get on with your weekends away and holidays and let her adjust!

Fraaances · 20/12/2024 22:57

Are you and DD “Best Friends”? It sounds very enmeshed to me.

Copperoliverbear · 21/12/2024 08:06

I have to say even more now you've updated, book a holiday, she is capable of doing things alone when it suits her, she is extremely manipulative and that's not nice.
I would book a holiday in the new year and would not even tell her all the details.
She may play up and show off, don't let her manipulation put you off going, my guess she will try every trick in the book to stop you going.
You need to stand up to her once and for all to show her You will not stand any of her nonsense otherwise you will have this for the rest of your life. You have brought your children up it is your time now.
Could you encourage her to let you go to the drs with her, so you can talk to the dr about her issues or if she won't go, you go to the dr alone and discuss it and ask is there anything you can do to help, as the situation is causing me great anxiety

TinyMouseTheatre · 21/12/2024 08:23

The reason I've been asking about about what support she's receiving for her anxiety is that if she's not getting any and isn't willing to engage with any therapy or take medication it comes a point when the anxiety is suiting her. If she finds anything uncomfortable she can say it's too much for her and everything carries on just the way she likes it.

She needs to start to do things to help to control her anxiety and I'd suggest the first things is an appointment with the GP.

Frith2013 · 21/12/2024 11:05

Just go.

Cyb3rg4l · 21/12/2024 11:11

There’s that old adage that you can’t keep doing things the same way and expect a different result. That applies to you and your adult daughter. For your daughter, for whatever reasons, the current state of affairs suits her and so she has no incentive to change things, and she is also manipulating you not to change things either. You cannot change her behaviour but you have complete control over your own behaviour. I would encourage you to live your life in a way that suits you in the hope that shifting power and not meeting your daughter’s expectations will push her out of her comfort zone and cause her to seek help for her own behaviour. She is no longer a child you are both adults and you should treat her as such.

Opentooffers · 21/12/2024 11:27

You are being quite ridiculous and she is like this because you have encouraged it. She is clingy, and you have not let her go.
About time you pulled the rug out, you will be doing her a huge favour in the long run.
You've got sucked in by online chat that gives the impression that younger generations have poorer MH and are less independent of their parents than they used to be. In reality they are likely not much different than prior generations, it's just that it was all brushed under the carpet back in the day and nobody talked about it. You hear of it more now, because society is more open in talking about MH issues and anxieties, especially when it's perceived as anonymous online.
Sorry, but I want to say get a grip of yourself here.

Okayornot · 21/12/2024 12:48

Is she lonely OP?

I think moving back home after uni could be pretty isolating, especially if your friends have used starting work as an opportunity to properly leave home. They've moved on, and she is at home where it is virtually inevitable that she will be treated like a child a bit or at least won't have to be an adult on a full time basis.

Encourage her to get a flat share and move out. And book your holiday!

ForOliveDog · 21/12/2024 13:22

This is madness! Book a trip and go! Shes an ADULT! Mine are 11 and 17 and when the youngest was on a residential recently we left the 17 year old for a couple of nights to go away together.

Nightswimmer80 · 21/12/2024 14:57

My ex still lives with his mother at age 53, he's never moved out and molly coddled by his mum. Don't let this happen to your daughter!

BruFord · 21/12/2024 15:34

Realizing that your parents are individuals with their own needs and interests is part of growing up. Sometimes it takes a while to accept that they’re not just here to look after/accommodate their adult children!

Your DD needs to accept this and get on with her own life.

DebOnDating · 21/12/2024 21:19

Circedee · 19/12/2024 23:57

My adult 24 year daughter stops me and her father from going away on our own . We have always had family holidays . Now the children are grown up finished Uni . Working . Still living at home . However sadly no boyfriends or girlfriends yet. We want to go away , travel and talk about trips . But she won’t let me she says "I can’t believe you would consider leaving me at home on my own and going away not inviting me for a whole week or two". She makes me feel guilty and so we don’t go away ever . What have I created , a monster ! I’m so sad .

Lady, what? What are you doing? She is an adult. You and your husband pack your bags and leave. She will get over it. She can see that you are easily manipulated and more worried about pleasing her than you are with pleasing yourselves. Remember, life is short and you are wasting the years you have left being yanked around by a spoiled brat. Stop it. You are the mother of a grown woman and have no more obligation to "take care" of her. It's time for her to sink or swim and you need to go on and enjoy your life. You've already sacrificed enough time to her. Focus on your husband, your marriage, yourself, and your happiness.

ThisWillBeOurYear · 22/12/2024 09:05

Circedee · 20/12/2024 09:20

Maybe I should explain more was trying to be polite and brief . Child Has been to Uni away from home and abroad , is working and can be physically on her own . However does not want to be on her own . Is always never far from us . We’ve encouraged independent living at uni , having friends , own holidays with friends , every school trip away etc . like whys along the way I’ve also encouraged family days , trips , dinner , shows etc . Balance between family and friends . There is no large extended family , cousins it’s just us .

I think there is something missing mentally and I am only discovering it now . And yes I do think it’s manipulative .
Has had a boyfriend very bad break up and he’s moved on . Been very close to grandparents sadly experienced three close family and friends sudden and tragic circumstances bereavement's very close together whilst child was a teenager . However still achieved academically . Have encouraged therapy but was not successful. Therapist was on zoom and not good .
I am kinda stuck have always put family first , education , working and saving myself and taught this to the children . Both children have been good at all listed above . Other child is independent . Am very proud of both their achievements .
Now. We would like to live a bit and was never expecting child to be so needy .
I was wanting constructive, empathetic conversation . Feel my parenting has gone wrong as I thought education and earning makes you independent . I don’t know about you but I think young adults are different these days not as we were . So I’m full of anxiety.

DD experienced 3 bereavements, under sudden and tragic circumstances, in her teenage years. She had some therapy for this but it sounded like it wasn't very good. If she hasn't processed these losses she may have developed attachment issues. This coupled with the fact that you are anxious and may have passed this on to her might explain why she is "clingy" now. She doesn't need to simply "grow up", she needs some more therapy.

Dearg · 22/12/2024 09:06

Actually Op, I think you need therapy too. I don’t mean that to be flippant or unkind, but you are also anxious and it seems you and your daughter feed off each others anxiety.

It is entirely normal for parents to think, possibly even worry, a little about their adult dc striking out on their own. But you and she have gone over what’s normal.

TinyMouseTheatre · 22/12/2024 09:15

Dearg · 22/12/2024 09:06

Actually Op, I think you need therapy too. I don’t mean that to be flippant or unkind, but you are also anxious and it seems you and your daughter feed off each others anxiety.

It is entirely normal for parents to think, possibly even worry, a little about their adult dc striking out on their own. But you and she have gone over what’s normal.

I think that's a good call.

perfectcolourfound · 22/12/2024 09:53

It's quite unusual for a 24 year old to object to their parents going away - most would love having the house to themselves for a week or two.

She is being controlling / manipulative. She may be doing it just because she wants to, or maybe she's coming from a place of genuine annxiety. You say she's suffered a number of losses, and it could be she needs to talk to a professional more about that - it could have developed a genuine fear of separation.

Of course, you can't 'pander' to that forever, as that would be miserable for you and wouldn't do your daughter any favours.

Are you able to have a chat about the fact that many or most 24 year olds don't expect to go on holiday with their parents every time, and can live alone, and you're concerned that she may need to work through some issues?

In the meantime, perhaps consider planning a weekend away, just the two of you, doing something you both enjoy, after you've been away with DH. Something to look forward to / make her see you aren't 'dropping' her completely. But I only suggest that if you think there is a mental health issue at play, rather than your daughter is just being unkind and manipulative.

ButtonMoon5 · 22/12/2024 10:29

She sounds a lot like my sibling. I'm sorry to tell you this, but my sibling is in her late thirties now, living at home, and will still not let my parents do what they want. There is no way she would let them go abroad and they have given up. They financially support her and cook her meals. She does have mental health issues but she is emotionally manipulative too.

Please don't fall into this pattern. My parents deserve so much more but they have pandered to her through 'parental concern' which has enabled this behaviour.

This is early days for your child. I hope she learns to be independent and not be afraid of being alone but now is the time to have a clear conversation. You can let her know where you are going and when, how she can contact you and when is the best time to contact, and also who she can reach out to support her whilst you are away.

Beesandhoney123 · 22/12/2024 13:38

Your dd should be sorting out her own therapy and needs some friends her own age pdq.

A job with a social life, joining clubs, going away for weekends on those better weekend holidays with other people her age.

You must get on with your life. Book a trip.

poetryandwine · 22/12/2024 13:52

This isn’t healthy, OP.

We have beloved YP on both sides of the family with MH challenges who live with their parents. In spite of serious problems, they cope when their parents go away . Both are alone in the house with pets. They do however have jobs and friends, and they structure the time so they won’t feel too isolated.

But your DD has a sibling in the house, right? So it isn’t a question of being isolated. She may have anxiety or another MH problem. If so, she needs to own it and seek treatment. Gently, the fact that you’ve let her control the situation makes me wonder if you and possibly her DF could use some help, also.

Best wishes to all of you