adult daughter stops us from going away

[Circedee]

My adult 24 year daughter stops me and her father from going away on our own . We have always had family holidays . Now the children are grown up finished Uni . Working . Still living at home . However sadly no boyfriends or girlfriends yet. We want to go away , travel and talk about trips . But she won’t let me she says "I can’t believe you would consider leaving me at home on my own and going away not inviting me for a whole week or two". She makes me feel guilty and so we don’t go away ever . What have I created , a monster ! I’m so sad .

Obviously there are disabled or ill adult children. But the op has said nothing like that about hers, so it wouldn’t be a valid comparator. I was suggesting what to say to hers - when I say to my 9yo ‘this is a basic household chore and you should be able to do it without so much help needed at 9 years old!’ I never add ‘except for all the 9yo children with additional needs or disabilities or who are ill. Because that comparison doesn’t apply to my child, who SHOULD be able to do the chore

Time to cut the cord OP. she's an adult.

Are you joking?! "Not letting us", no you are allowing her to not let you go away!? Are you seriously pandering to an immature 24 year old??

Oh ffs - there is the reason she acts the way she does. Parents....

This is ridiculous! I had my own 1 year old at your daughters age....
There is either something seriously wrong or you have babied her to this point, I believe as you are describing 24 year olds as children it is probably the latter!

Op, put on your big girl pants and just book a holiday with your DH!

Your daughter isn’t stopping you, YOU are.

Shes 24 for goodness sake! A fully grown adult.

She is absolutely taking the piss and using her mental health as some kind of weapon is unforgivable. Book a one week holiday for starters and tell her you are going. If she kicks off suggest that she might need to move out of home if she can’t behave like an adult within it. I have a 25 and 21yo at home and DH and I travel overseas regularly, often for a month at a time, leaving them home. We are also usually away 1-2 nights a month as I go with DH when he works in different cities, we all joke that my post retirement job is “trailing spouse”. We sometimes still do a few days away all together, either a domestic city break where we fly or a few days wine tasting a couple of hours drive away, and the 21yo joined us overseas for ten days last year as she was on Uni break at the time. If we were to do an overseas holiday again all of us it would probably be on the basis that anyone working would contribute but from here on the expectation is that DH and I will do our own thing and we expect the “kids” to do likewise with friends or partners.

Yes, this could also be the case. The parents’ anxiety has made their daughter anxious and dependent. But, again, there are solutions. It can be recognised and managed.

It’s possible they’re stuck in a loop of co-dependency, which isn’t helpful for any of them.

My primary school aged children hate it when DH and I go out without them, but we do it anyway, for several reasons:

1. It’s important we have time as a couple
2. It’s important for my children to know the world doesn’t resolve around them
3. Each time we go and the sky doesn’t fall in, my children learn a a little bit of resilience and they internalise that actually they were fine and they can cope with disappointment

She's being entitled. She is old enough to look after herself!

We go away and leave 25, 20 & 15yr old at home. They are fine with it.

She is behaving like a child and you are continuing to enable it. How about a compromise...take her away for one family holiday/year and do your own thing the rest of the time. Our kids are mid twenties and we still have family holidays but we also have holidays on our own too.

‘Don’t be ridiculous, you are 24’ seems an appropriate answer.

?? If you don’t want to go on holiday with her, then go without her. Is she unemployed and unable to afford her own holidays and accommodation, or is she paying you market rent and unable to afford holidays? Why isn’t she keen on the idea of having a bit of peace and quiet in the house without you? You haven’t explained your situation sufficiently for anyone to have the faintest idea what is really going on in your relationship with your child.

It’s possible her DD does have disabilities. And either OP hasn’t said. Or hasn’t acknowledged them, perhaps because, like many people, she believes disabilities are only physical and/or permanent. Or that mental health conditions aren’t real. And her failure to understand or recognise this is compounding the disability or health problem.

When someone has a disability or serious illness (like clinical depression) it doesn’t help to expect them to cope in the same way as someone who isn’t disabled or unwell: “just pull yourself together and get on with it”.

It needs recognition, diagnosis and help to manage. But adults with disabilities and health conditions shouldn’t be infantilised, made dependent or institutionalised. They need support to live as independently and happily as possible. And their loved ones should be able to take holidays without them, with alternative support in place.

Same, mine are older now (youngest is 14) and we have regularly had a night away here and there without them for roughly the past 10 years. It is important to have time as a couple to remember why you actually like each other 😁
Parenting is hard, and parents need time alone to nurture their relationship.
In a few years it will be just me and DH again and the kids will all have their own lives so I'm glad that we have done this.
They stayed with grandparents and have great relationships with them.

My oldest DS is 23 now and regularly picks his grandparents up from nights outs etc.

The two younger ones (14 and 17) stay in the house while we are away as their brother and his GF are there (both 23)
If 23 yo is working the 14yo stays at grandparents and I give 17yo the choice.

Is she saying this because she wants you to pay for her to come on holiday with you? How did she manage while she was at uni? How is going to mange her own place if she can't be left alone for a week?

Mine has been staying home alone since he was 17 while we went on holiday as he doesn't like going much - he's also autistic.

Don’t be a martyr, it’s draining for everyone around you. Just book the trip and have a lovely time.

I cam imagine dear Dame Maggie Smith saying that.

Don't be ridiculous! When I was 24, I had been presented at court, proposed to five times, and was the Countess of Grantham. And I'd produced an heir!

Don’t be ridiculous, you are 24’ seems an appropriate answer.
Absolutely, unless op is going to do a drip feed.
My two children, like many, had their own homes at 24. They were also encouraging dh not to be such a workaholic and have holidays with me.

This is a you problem.

My parents went on week long holidays every year when I was 22 to about 30, I was left alone all week and at the time had no friends or boyfriends so I was properly alone! No mobile phones either so parents couldn't check in with me but somehow I managed to survive!!

She's 24 and still lives at home.

She's disabled? She's working?

She has her own social circle?

There's so much you haven't told us @Circedee

From what you've drip fed us so far, there's nothing to stop you from going away

You tell her there's two options. She moves out or stops with the guilt trips

Okay I'll bite.

You say children; how many do you have still at home?

There was a bit missing in the way they were brought up. Time to do that last bit of parenting.

Can they all cook a meal, lock the front door, operate the washing machine etc?

They can look after each other and themselves.

Book an overnight trip.

Go on the trip.

Book a weekend away. Etc.

Let them get used to the change.