adult daughter stops us from going away

[Circedee]

My adult 24 year daughter stops me and her father from going away on our own . We have always had family holidays . Now the children are grown up finished Uni . Working . Still living at home . However sadly no boyfriends or girlfriends yet. We want to go away , travel and talk about trips . But she won’t let me she says "I can’t believe you would consider leaving me at home on my own and going away not inviting me for a whole week or two". She makes me feel guilty and so we don’t go away ever . What have I created , a monster ! I’m so sad .

She's not stopping you, nor is she making you feel anything.

You're doing that.

She's being manipulative.

You are choosing to be manipulated.

Gosh. No. You do as you like, your ‘different these days’ child is actually an adult who is being, knowingly or not, manipulative.

Get it booked!

No she isn't you are using her as an excuse

She's not stopping you. You're stopping you. Tell her to grow up and go on holiday.

Well if my adult son’s said that i’d laugh and say you’ll survive, it’s our time now our DC have grown up. My DD is 16 and in January i’m going to Athens for a few days and leaving her home alone (dad is just down the road but she won’t stay there). She is fine about it and wouldn’t dare try and guilt trip me into taking her. I do holiday with one of my adult son’s but he pays for himself and would never invite himself onto my other holidays. Stop letting her stop you. She is an adult.

I think anyone in this situation needs to make a plan and both the parents need to agree on it and stick to it.

First: test the waters.

Go away for the weekend. Gauge what happens. Does she get 'ill' the day before you go? Does she ring you as you're still driving on the motorway on Friday evening to say she thinks that someone's 'breaking in'? Does she ring you in hysterics on the Saturday because the milk 'tastes funny'?

This is where you need to have made preparations and stay strong. Refer her to her other adult sibling, and any other emergency contact numbers you will have left her both in the house (eg on the fridge) and got her to save on her phone (because by Sunday she will be 'locked out'). And/or say, 'we'll deal with that when I get back.' And stick to your guns. And work on not always answering your phone to her.

You'll all the get the hang of it.

I've helped a close friend through this, and could tell you tales you would not believe. But the daughter is, deep down, a basket of inadequacies; and this DD also needed mental health help, which was organised parallel to the new boundary-setting.

Is she vulnerable/scared - or is she simply pissed off you’re not offering to take her too? Surely that’s more likely?

Ask her which it is. Then tell her she’s an adult and most adults would have moved out by now. You’re happy to have her there but you’ll be carrying on with your lives. I suggest you build up to holidays by initially going away for a weekend, then a longer weekend, etc.

Start off slowly with a long weekend away. Then a week away and finally a fortnight.

Tell her to stop being so silly
If she protests tell her you'll arrange a nanny to babysit her.

Ask her if she would like you to employ an 18 year old babysitter to watch her while you are away, she might see how ridiculous she is being. She's being manipulative, but sounds like she has grown used to being dependent on company. I have friends that hate being on their own, they are miserable in their own company, whereas I loved living by myself and are quite content to occupy myself.
If you are concerned about her mental health (and it's not just a manipulative empty threat) then test the water with a long weekend so see how she copes. She needs to realise it's not really acceptable or normal to block you from having a holiday.

As PPs have said, she doesn’t stop you. You stop yourself.

This is obviously not typical behaviour for a 24 year old. Most have either left home or can’t wait for parents to be away. Many have children of their own.

You seem worried about her, as you mention she’s mentally unstable. Why does she ask you not to leave her? What’s she worried about? Does she work? Did she live away at uni and how did she manage then? Do you have another adult child who lives with you and could support her while you’re away?

There’s always a solution. If she needs your emotional support, then you could arrange to video call at a particular time each day, at a similar time to when she usually chats to you at home. If she wouldn’t manage to cook properly for herself, you could batch cook with her before you go or go shopping with her to buy ready meals. Could one of your neighbours pop in to check she’s OK. Or a friend who lives locally?

It really depends on how bad she is and how worried you are. But if her anxiety’s so bad she doesn’t want to ever be apart from you, that’s pretty serious and she should be taking steps to get help to manage the anxiety. Has she seen the GP about it? There are lots of techniques or she may prefer medication.

Why do you call her a monster? Were you being flippant or do you genuinely feel that. Is it possible you’re not recognising a potential disability? Could it be she’s neurodivergent and that’s why her anxiety’s worse. If so, it’s important you take it seriously. You need to help her get to the bottom of her behaviour.

Bad anxiety can be terrifying and debilitating. But, whatever the underlying cause, she needs help managing it and becoming independent. You’re doing her no favours if you let her rely on you too much, as she needs to build a life of her own.

If she copes fine and is being self-indulgent, then obviously just go away.

It’s weird that you do as she says.

Assuming that she’s not joking, why wouldn’t you say something like it’s a dirty weekend and we want couple time or why doesn’t she organise something with her boyfriend /girlfriend/friends ? Is she ND? I have adult kids and they wouldn’t think like your dd because they understand that some things are just for partners/friends.

If she really is mentally unstable that needs to be addressed. Is she?

My DD, 20, wouldn't cope with me and DH going off for 2 weeks, but she is still recovering from a complete breakdown. We are however working towards 1 night away.

She Is not a child! She coped at university presumably (unless she lived at home). Just book your holiday and go!

This sounds really emeshed. Most young people would be delighted if their parents went away for a week. We used to encourage my parents to go on date nights so they would leave us all alone for a few hours and we could have control of the remote.

Honestly if this is her at 24 I think she needs some help. Either she’s really entitled and trying to squeeze a free holiday out of you because she doesn’t have anyone to go with. Or she’s a really anxious person and needs help. Or she just hasn’t matured yet in which case you will probably have her living with you forever.

Put your foot down, she won’t be alone in the house and you and your husband should be able to get some couple time. Just say this is a romantic week away and you’ll be going.

I understand where you are coming from OP, I’m in a similar situation. Covid really messed with some young minds.

Does she have a mental health condition that renders her a vulnerable adult in need of care or additional support? Not counting her just telling you she can’t believe you would leave her and go on holiday, I mean is she genuinely a vulnerable person?

If so then my advice would be different so ignore what follows. But if that isn’t the case and she’s simply telling you that she can’t believe you would leave her and that she will be upset if you do, then it’s time for you to set firm boundaries about this.

First step is simply booking your holiday. You do not need her permission to do so. It’s absolutely irrelevant. Just book the holiday at the time and location that suits you.

At some point thereafter, let her know in a completely factual manner, ‘We’ll be away from X date to Y date’. You don’t need to go into more detail than that. If the guilt trip starts, stay calm and firm in holding your boundary. Treat her like a toddler if she is going to behave like one; validate the feeling without compromising your boundaries. ‘We’re entitled to go away on our own. We have done nothing wrong. We understand you are disappointed. We’re entitled to do this.’ If it becomes unproductive tell her you aren’t willing to discuss the matter any further. You don’t owe her endless discussion about a decision you’re allowed to make which doesn’t involve her.

You haven’t created a monster but you are enabling her. Time to stop. Your relationship will be happier, healthier and more enjoyable for you setting some boundaries now.

I have to agree with others , she's not a child I had married had 2 kids and was paying a mortgage at that age with little thought as to what my parents plans were. I don't understand why she is involved with discussing your holidays either just book them and go she will cope just fine. I have a daughter her age also who lives with us but she wouldn't stop me going on a holiday with my husband alone .

Do you cook, clean & do all her laundry?

You need to change the language you are using to be more accurate. It sounds like you are anxious about leaving her so you are choosing not to go away to avoid confronting that anxiety, and either she is also anxious but masking it or she is manipulative. I am also curious about calling her a monster, what makes you say that? If you really do want to go away you need to start building up gradually for you and her to get more confidence about it. Start with a night away then a weekend etc. Each time afterwards speak with her about how it was, did she find any aspect difficult and talk her through how to deal with any problems. Make sure you are on the end of your phone while away and don't go too far so that you can get back in an emergency. This solution will work whether she is anxious or manipulative. It will also help you overcome your anxiety.

Would you guilt trip her to stop her going away?

We went away when our DC were 18 & 20. They did say that they couldn’t believe we were going away without them but that didn’t stop us. Not even the slightest pang of guilt then or now. The children survived.

Mine can't wait to see the back of dh and I when we go lol.

If she's worried about being alone could she have a friend stay with her?.

@Owly11 makes a good point. Do you suffer from anxiety OP? What does your DH suggest?

Just say "we aren't stopping you going away. You earn. You can apply for your own passport and you can join your own holiday"

Have you been away for shorter trips without her?