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Original poster

adult daughter stops us from going away

247 replies

Circedee · 19/12/2024 23:57

My adult 24 year daughter stops me and her father from going away on our own . We have always had family holidays . Now the children are grown up finished Uni . Working . Still living at home . However sadly no boyfriends or girlfriends yet. We want to go away , travel and talk about trips . But she won’t let me she says "I can’t believe you would consider leaving me at home on my own and going away not inviting me for a whole week or two". She makes me feel guilty and so we don’t go away ever . What have I created , a monster ! I’m so sad .

OP posts:
Hayley1256 · 20/12/2024 00:27

She's 24, not a child - just go away and don't tell her until your there

TheForestCalls · 20/12/2024 00:28

Unless there are compelling reasons she shouldn't be left on her own, you just tell her that you and your husband are taking a couples holiday. Done.

Lotsofsnacks · 20/12/2024 00:30

When I still lived at home, I loved it when my parents went away, so could have the house to myself.

Just book your trips OP, she’s got to get used to it.

Though maybe you could plan one trip and invite her along, and go on a little family break? Do some as a couple first, then one, to include her. Maybe she feels left out, as hasn’t got a partner, and has no one to holiday with? Things may be different in future if she meets someone.

SnowFrogJelly · 20/12/2024 00:30

Circedee · 20/12/2024 00:03

I am worried if I leave her after what she said to me what about her mental stability and Children seem more vulnerable these days .

She's not a child!

Of course you can go away and leave her

Copperoliverbear · 20/12/2024 00:30

Also maybe she needs to go to the drs for a check up.

4pmfireworks · 20/12/2024 00:30

I think you need to reframe this in your own mind OP. You are actually doing her no favours whatsoever by indulging this. When our children are small, we do everything for them. Gradually, we support them to become more and more independent and do things for themselves. This is good parenting!! I'm sure you no longer cut up her food for her, or walk her to the bus stop. Likewise, you can go on holiday without her. Even if it's hard at first, it's the kind and right thing to do in the long term.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 20/12/2024 00:33

It's you preventing yourself from going away by pandering to her nonsense.

Violinist64 · 20/12/2024 00:33

I was married at 24. I think l was 17 when I went on my last family holiday with my parents. As others have said, she needs to grow up and you must let her grow up.

healthybychristmas · 20/12/2024 00:33

This living situation isn't working for her. It's not helping her tobe independent.

Does she have any special educational needs?

Does she have any friends?

Does she go to work?

Do you think she's frightened of being in the house on her own?

Thatcastlethere · 20/12/2024 00:33

She's not stopping you she's just expressing her opinion. You are free to do as you please because she is an adult. Just go. She can't actually stop you. You need to man up. You have created this issue by not having firm boundaries from the outset. You just need to do it and she will come to terms with it as the majority of other 24 year olds in the world would come to terns with it.

mrsfollowill · 20/12/2024 00:34

Sounds like she has no confidence or is neurodiverse and scared. I have a 22 yrs old son who loves to travel but he is autistic and couldn't cope alone.
Dh, DS and myself always still travel together - he has friends but they don't have the money to go abroad or anywhere really so we plan a couple of weeks away every year.
To be fair we have done loads of trips- DS is in full time work and pays for 1/3 of the cost but I organise everything and he sends me the money.
I went to Ibiza at 17 (my lovely mum paid for this) with mates. My generation were very different- born in the 1970s and teen in the 80's but was massively independent at a much younger age- well apart from mum paying for everything! Could not imagine paying for a 16 & 17 yrs old ( me and my sister ) to Ibiza for 2 weeks on their own- but that is what happened- was epic btw!
Really unless she has massive issues she has not mentioned she needs to grow up.

healthybychristmas · 20/12/2024 00:34

I've just realised you have other children still living at home. Do they pay any rent? Do they do any jobs around the house?

Mnetcurious · 20/12/2024 00:36

“She won’t let me” - wtf?! Seriously, who made her the boss?
You say “well I’m afraid it’s not your decision, you’re a grown adult who can look after yourself. Me and dad deserve happiness in our lives too and travel is something we want to do together occasionally.”

Franjipanl8r · 20/12/2024 00:37

Surely this can’t be real?! She’s ruling the roost because you’re letting her!!

Mnetcurious · 20/12/2024 00:40

Circedee · 20/12/2024 00:03

I am worried if I leave her after what she said to me what about her mental stability and Children seem more vulnerable these days .

“Children seem more vulnerable these days”
She’s not a child and hasn’t been a child for the last six years! She will cope just fine and it will probably do her good.
Do you still do everything for your adult children, eg washing, cooking cleaning? If so you’re really doing them no favours because they need to start learning about real life as an adult.

Berthatydfil · 20/12/2024 00:42

Circedee · 20/12/2024 00:03

I am worried if I leave her after what she said to me what about her mental stability and Children seem more vulnerable these days .

She is your child but she is not “a child”.
Unless she has a LD or other vulnerability she is an adult and you shouldnt be infantilising her or allowng her to do it to herself. Or is she just a control freak.

healthybychristmas · 20/12/2024 00:43

I would send her a message saying oh that trip sounds amazing, I didn't realise you had so much spare money. That's really good news for me because I'm going to have to cut down your allowance as I've got a lot more expenses coming up.

She doesn't get to be distant and have you giving her money at that age. She doesn't get to go on holiday and have you give her money either.

1smallhamsterfoot · 20/12/2024 00:43

And you pander to her crap why???

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 20/12/2024 00:43

A clear dependency has developed, this behaviour about you going away is a sign of this, and would not be the only sign.

Time to start making her more independent.

Plan dinners just for yourself and DH and leave your DD to fend for herself.

Organise meals/date nights for just you and your husband.

Invite friends over for dinner and make it clear to your DD that she is not invited.

Organise an activity that requires a night away, and slowly build up to longer trips.

This can be dealt with, but you have to show more backbone than you have to date.

andthat · 20/12/2024 00:44

Circedee · 20/12/2024 00:03

I am worried if I leave her after what she said to me what about her mental stability and Children seem more vulnerable these days .

Wow. She’s got you right where she wants you.

Stop pandering to her.

She’s not a child but she does need to grow up.

nodramaplz · 20/12/2024 00:44

Circedee · 19/12/2024 23:57

My adult 24 year daughter stops me and her father from going away on our own . We have always had family holidays . Now the children are grown up finished Uni . Working . Still living at home . However sadly no boyfriends or girlfriends yet. We want to go away , travel and talk about trips . But she won’t let me she says "I can’t believe you would consider leaving me at home on my own and going away not inviting me for a whole week or two". She makes me feel guilty and so we don’t go away ever . What have I created , a monster ! I’m so sad .

Laugh it off and say, "well, we are!"

Saschka · 20/12/2024 00:44

Unless you have genuine reason to believe she will top herself if you go to Marbella without her, you are being a ridiculous drama queen yourself.

And if you do think she will kill herself as soon as you go through passport control, your problems are a lot more serious than your holidays.

ThinkingIshouldnothavegone · 20/12/2024 00:51

I was about to type that I couldn't think of anything worse than wanting to go on holiday with my parents when I was 24, but then I realised I did just that - well, I was 25 to be precise. However, prior to that the last time we'd all gone away was when I was 16. There were a great number of years in between where I moved out & grew up. The holiday with my parents when I was 25 was very much an "adults" holiday. I wasn't a child.

LoserWinner · 20/12/2024 00:53

By 24, I was married with two children, running my own home and my own business. Sheesh!

Devilcat · 20/12/2024 00:53

Sorry for the swear word but what the fuck off get your controlling adult daughter who I bet is zapping your absolute soul to get her own life she’s a grown up cut the strings and have a holiday with your husband

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