adult daughter stops us from going away

[Circedee]

My adult 24 year daughter stops me and her father from going away on our own . We have always had family holidays . Now the children are grown up finished Uni . Working . Still living at home . However sadly no boyfriends or girlfriends yet. We want to go away , travel and talk about trips . But she won’t let me she says "I can’t believe you would consider leaving me at home on my own and going away not inviting me for a whole week or two". She makes me feel guilty and so we don’t go away ever . What have I created , a monster ! I’m so sad .

She is 24. She is far from a child. If you think she can’t cope with a week at home
then you really need to be seeking support for he mental health.

Do you have specific reason for concern about her mental health? If so, is she having treatment?

I think by pandering to this you are inadvertently encouraging her to claim mental health when in fact being independent would be very good for her mental health, building confidence etc.? They are largely more vulnerable these days because we fail to give them the tools to manage life.

What a laugh. The reason children are soft these days is enabler parents. She will be upset, she'll whine but she'll get over it. When she is old, if she's worked hard she'd also want to enjoy herself. Enjoy your holiday. Don't even give more thoughts to her.

This is excellent advice. I went through a period in my early thirties (post depression and a significant life changing event) where I was afraid to live on my own. I was living with flatmates, not family, but I wasn't sure if I would cope mentally on my own. Eventually I bit the bullet and have lived on my own for over a decade. Your daughter is scared and you can help her develop the self-belief and bravery to live independently.

We want to go away , travel and talk about trips . But she won’t let me she says "I can’t believe you would consider leaving me at home on my own and going away not inviting me for a whole week or two". She makes me feel guilty and so we don’t go away ever

Fool be you. How I would laugh- as I walked out the door with my suitcase. I say this as someone with young adult kids who live at home. My holiday is to escape them 🤣, they can have their own holidays, and some do, others prefer not to (they take after DH as I have to use a cattle prod to get him on holiday).

Do you mean she has a mental health problem? if so she needs help.
if not - you haven’t created a monster but you have created an adult who believes she’s too fragile to be on her own. Which is a concern. How about helping her plan how she would manage alone for a weekend, then go away for 2 nights initially and build up from there?

She's not a child, she's an adult and needs to stand on her own 2 feet - for at least a fortnight if not longer.

Why on earth have you let her dictate until now.

There are plenty of 24 year olds in the UK whose parents can’t leave them without arranging respite care, because they’d struggle and/or be at risk on their own due to disabilities or health problems (including mental health).

But this is the crux. Either @Circedee’s daughter has a disability (neurodivergence, learning difficulties, persistent depression or anxiety) or serious health problem (depression/anxiety with risk of self-harm) in which case it needs to be taken seriously, diagnosed and managed. And respite care arranged for when OP and her partner need a holiday.

Or her DD is controlling and coercive, which is a form of domestic abuse. It’s possible to experience domestic abuse from someone other than a partner. Domestic abusers can be monstrous. In which case OP needs support in setting boundaries, and if the behaviour continues, asking her to leave home.

Did she do to uni and live away? If she did and there's been nothing significant happen since there's absolutely no reason not to go away. Presumably she wouldn't give it a seconds thought if a friend suggested going away together- she wouldn't invite you along.

That's ridiculous, just go!
I was left at home from the age of 16 for 3 weeks!

I agree with WinterCrow. Start by taking overnight and weekend breaks.

Does she want a free holiday? I'd be happy for DC to join us on holiday but I'd expect them to pay for themselves if they are working adults.

Tell her she is more than welcome to join you if she books and pays for herself. See if she's still interested then, especially if you book somewhere expensive.

Ridiculous

Sounds like emotional blackmail to me. However I sense that you are worried about your Dds underlying mental health issues. Why not start by having a weekend away in the UK - do that, then longer away next time and abroad etc.
I kind of know where you are coming from as I was reluctant to leave an 18 year old that had had previous self harm issues as a younger teen, but we did go and there were no problems. If she’s safe (which I’m sure she is), she has to accept that it’s your time now, you have freedom to be a couple again and enjoy holidays in your own. Just explain and do it - do it gradually if you are actually worried - for your own wellbeing.

If you really think that she is so vulnerable that she can’t be left alone, she needs help.
Of she is worried about being lonely, get her to understand that it’s something everyone has to deal with and help her start developing some inner resources. Maybe start with a few long weekends away without her.
Maybe she would like to go on holiday with you as she has no one else to go with? Is there a reason why you don’t want her to come along ( self funding, of course). I have been on holiday with adult dc paying their own way, and it’s been lovely, very laid back, letting them do some of the planning. You don’t have to spend every minute of every day with them. They can pay for their own room so they have separate space, and explore alone if you have different interests.
Ifvshe doesn’t want to do that, or you don’t, then leave her at home.

She sounds like a bully and like all bullies needs standing up to. And no, you have not created a monster, as others have said she is an adult and makes her own decisions. I find it a bit strange that at her age she is not independently living on her own, unless she has special needs? I was married, pregnant and living in my own place at her age.

We started going away when the kids were 18, I moved jobs so we were tied to school holidays.

I fill the fridge with basics and leave cash for food - they can buy / cook what they like.

Shes perfectly capable.

By not going you are robbing her of the experience to be independent if only for a short white.

Though maybe you could plan one trip and invite her along, and go on a little family break? Do some as a couple first, then one, to include her. Maybe she feels left out, as hasn’t got a partner, and has no one to holiday with? Things may be different in future if she meets someone.

I think this is bad advice. It wouldn’t help her to be content with her own company, and IMO that’s the way to happiness: if you can’t stand to be by yourself you’ll end up allowing whoever into your life just to avoid being alone- it’s a recipe for heartbreak and disastrous relationships!

@Circedee as others have said, this situation is either easily resolved if your dd has no additional needs- you can just be straightforward with her because she’s whinging like a child when she’s an adult in her mid twenties.
Or it’s not easy to resolve because she has untreated mental health issues which is why she’s resorting to behaving in a childish way, and she’ll need some sort of intervention, so holidays are really the least of your worries.

Is it option 1 or option 2?

”Children seem more vulnerable these days”

Are you for real? She is an adult. Get a backbone and live your life - and encourage her to do the same. You lead by example.

Unless there are some serious MH issues - this should not be a thing!

She seems to have a failure to launch issue. Most 24 year olds would love to have the house to themselves for a week or two. Is the are reason that she is such a nervous nelly?

She hasn't been a child for 6 years!

She isn’t a child she is 24, tell her to grow the fuck up.

Or DD has always been handled with kid gloves by her over anxious parents and now believes that she’s too vulnerable to be home alone. Vulnerable is the word OP used.