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Original poster

adult daughter stops us from going away

247 replies

Circedee · 19/12/2024 23:57

My adult 24 year daughter stops me and her father from going away on our own . We have always had family holidays . Now the children are grown up finished Uni . Working . Still living at home . However sadly no boyfriends or girlfriends yet. We want to go away , travel and talk about trips . But she won’t let me she says "I can’t believe you would consider leaving me at home on my own and going away not inviting me for a whole week or two". She makes me feel guilty and so we don’t go away ever . What have I created , a monster ! I’m so sad .

OP posts:
PinkArt · 20/12/2024 00:54

If her mental health is so fragile that she's threatening to harm herself if you go on holiday, then you need to support her in getting urgent support from a doctor.
If this is more of a failure to launch issue then you need to stop martyring yourself and enabling her childish behaviour. I'd have thought most of us would have loved the house to ourselves for a few weeks if we were stuck living at home still in our mid 20s.

spoonfulofsugar1 · 20/12/2024 00:55

Very odd situation that a) you allow her to get away with demanding you and DH don't go away, and b) that she doesn't want you to. I remember living at home for a year or two after uni and i loved it when my mum went away and i had the place to myself

StrikeForever · 20/12/2024 00:56

Circedee · 19/12/2024 23:57

My adult 24 year daughter stops me and her father from going away on our own . We have always had family holidays . Now the children are grown up finished Uni . Working . Still living at home . However sadly no boyfriends or girlfriends yet. We want to go away , travel and talk about trips . But she won’t let me she says "I can’t believe you would consider leaving me at home on my own and going away not inviting me for a whole week or two". She makes me feel guilty and so we don’t go away ever . What have I created , a monster ! I’m so sad .

It isn’t that she “won’t let” you. The problem is you still indulge her as if she were a child!

Jeschara · 20/12/2024 00:57

Sorry but she is pathetic, go enjoy yourselves and leave her to grow up.

Cyb3rg4l · 20/12/2024 01:02

Circedee · 20/12/2024 00:03

I am worried if I leave her after what she said to me what about her mental stability and Children seem more vulnerable these days .

She’s 24 and has learned she can manipulate you. 2 weeks on her own will be a soft start to independence.

BrightonFrock · 20/12/2024 01:04

Circedee · 20/12/2024 00:03

I am worried if I leave her after what she said to me what about her mental stability and Children seem more vulnerable these days .

Obviously you know your daughter better than we do, but nothing in her response suggests to me that she feels scared or unable to cope without you:

But she won’t let me she says "I can’t believe you would consider leaving me at home on my own and going away not inviting me for a whole week or two".

It sounds like she’s just stamping her feet because she wants a holiday and isn’t prepared to fork out for it herself.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 20/12/2024 01:06

Circedee · 19/12/2024 23:57

My adult 24 year daughter stops me and her father from going away on our own . We have always had family holidays . Now the children are grown up finished Uni . Working . Still living at home . However sadly no boyfriends or girlfriends yet. We want to go away , travel and talk about trips . But she won’t let me she says "I can’t believe you would consider leaving me at home on my own and going away not inviting me for a whole week or two". She makes me feel guilty and so we don’t go away ever . What have I created , a monster ! I’m so sad .

I haven't seen how she stopped you from going. What I have seen is she guilt trips you not to go and you pacify her and change your plans, that's on you.

She is an adult so you tell her you're going, make your plans and go, if she isn't happy she can move out.

In situations like this it is better to take a stand early and once and for all rather than specify and drag it necessarily which then makes it harder because you've already started to pacify and pander to her.

crumblingschools · 20/12/2024 01:07

Some young people don’t have resilience because their parents haven’t let them. Is this the case here?
Are there siblings?

JingleB · 20/12/2024 01:08

Do you remember at toddler groups those parents who’d say things like “he won’t let me turn CBeebies off” and you’d think to yourself what a flaccid dishrag they were to let a toddler rule the roost?

You sound a lot like that.

She doesn’t have the power to Let You or to Stop You. She’s a 24 year old woman, not a helpless infant in need of care. She won’t spontaneously combust if you have fun without her.

Get a grip on your life, OP. Book a long weekend away next month.

LittleLlama · 20/12/2024 01:22

You recognise that this behaviour by your daughter is not the norm and want to address it. It is not healthy for either party and you want her to develop her independence.

When we first started travelling without our adult children we did short trips in the UK first, gradually building up to longer stays abroad. (To be fair this was for my benefit too). I also encouraged them to go on trips/holiday without us. Does your daughter have close friends she could do this with?

I do think in the new year you need to support her in building up her resilience and confidence to cope without you. It sounds like you have not yet developed an adult/adult relationship. You need to start putting in boundaries so that they respect your need for privacy and freedom.

oakleaffy · 20/12/2024 01:24

greenose · 20/12/2024 00:05

She's not a child i had child and had bought my own home at her age

Ditto! 24.
My parents left me alone at 15 for 3 weeks while they went to South of France.
I LOVED it. {London} it was lovely to have the house to myself and to have sensible friends round.

ueberlin2030 · 20/12/2024 01:26

Mashroom · 20/12/2024 00:00

Ridiculous behaviour but you are enabling it! Just go

This, unless she has some sort of condition where she is completely dependent on you, and respite is hard to organise.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/12/2024 01:32

Perhaps flip your thoughts. What about the damage to her mental health if you do not go away? She needs to learn to be independent. You’re at risk of a failure to launch situation. And I agree our dcs are a lot less independent these days. I also was off abroad without parents at 17. I know that’s no longer possible. But 18 is only a year older.

Vaxtable · 20/12/2024 01:39

Circedee · 20/12/2024 00:03

I am worried if I leave her after what she said to me what about her mental stability and Children seem more vulnerable these days .

She’s manipulating you and you are falling for it. At 24 she should be able to,over on her own and you go away. I would just book something and leave her to it

Verbena17 · 20/12/2024 01:42

Hi @Circedee does your daughter have additional needs?
If yes, then I can understand why she might see it in this way.

Could a family member stay at home with her if she needs additional support - it really sounds like you and your DH could really do with some respite time away.

Onceuponatime9 · 20/12/2024 01:52

greenose · 20/12/2024 00:05

She's not a child i had child and had bought my own home at her age

Same,married with a child & own home at 25.

24/25 is half way towards being middle aged. This young woman requires psychiatric help & there is no shame in that.

ThinWomansBrain · 20/12/2024 01:54

Make 2025 the year she grows up and moves out.

then she'll be less reliant on you being around to enable her 24/7
and you'll have more money for holidays.

EmotionalSupportCuttlefish · 20/12/2024 02:15

RestYeMerryGentlewomen · 20/12/2024 00:03

Don’t be a doormat !

This.

Have you ever seen the photo of the horse tied to a plastic chair? It thinks it can't move it so doesn't try.

Just do it. If she comes out with tripe like that again just laugh.

BruFord · 20/12/2024 02:22

My parents first went away without me when I was 15. She’s a fully grown adult, OP, she’ll be fine. Book your trip and go.

Scissor · 20/12/2024 02:33

Maybe you could book a residential carer for her while you go away if her needs are that significant?

Kim5678 · 20/12/2024 02:38

Circedee · 20/12/2024 00:03

I am worried if I leave her after what she said to me what about her mental stability and Children seem more vulnerable these days .

Well is she actually mental unstable and that’s why she can’t live away from home, or is she fishing for a free holiday?

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 20/12/2024 02:43

If you think she is vulnerable or has poor mental health, get her some support with that. It shouldn't tie you to your house forever.

How much do you expect from her around the home? Does she cook, handle her own laundry etc, help out with the chores? Has she been given the skills to cope on her own?

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/12/2024 02:46

She is a needy manipulative pain in the arse. Go.

She will survive despite you not doing everything for her (a guess, but....), she just doesnt want to.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/12/2024 02:47

Oh and by the way, without actually holding you captive, she isnt stopping you doing anything.

YOU are stopping you doing what you want to do. Think about that.

AnarchismUK · 20/12/2024 02:48

You are holding her back from becoming an adult. I know houses are expensive now but working and living at home, she should be saving to leave, let alone let you have a break. Her attitude is bizarre at 24.