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Original poster

Husband has been having an affair for 2 years

242 replies

GARLANDGIRL2024 · 18/12/2024 18:24

I found out last night. I am still numb.
i received a message on facebook from a fake profile saying your husband has been having an affair for 2 years with a colleague.

i showed him the message and I could tell by his face it was true. My whole world, my whole heart, my family all shattered to pieces in that one moment.

He admitted it, it didn’t take much to get it out of him. They used to work together at his last company. Sleeping together for 2 years. She’s single and 10 years younger than him.

they no longer work together. Their last meeting was 3 weeks ago, when he told me he was out with his work colleagues and stayed in a hotel after. He often stays in hotels approx once every month or so, as he works 2 hours away from where we live so when he goes for a drink after work he stays. What a fool I am, never thought anything of it cos I trusted him!!!

tells me he doesn’t love her, it’s just a sex.
he doesn’t want to be with her, he doesn’t want to end our marriage.

about a year ago he had what he called a mental breakdown, told me he wasn’t sure if he was happy, wasn’t sure what he wanted. He swore blind there was no one else, but it all makes sense now!
He very nearly left me, and our 2 young kids. We’ve been married for 9 years and together for 15 years. But he decided to stay. 2 years ago he came off social media and asked me to do the same! I said no so he asked me not to post any pictures of him or the kids…. Again it all makes sense now!!!

i am just utterly shocked. What I keep thinking about was that he very nearly left me for her, so there’s feelings there or as he says there was but not anymore
yet he still sleeping with her!!

I just cannot believe it. A week before Christmas. Our kids are 5 and 7 and we’ve together planned a perfect Christmas for them, it’s all ruined now !!
I don’t know what to do.
part of me wants to act normal for the kids until Christmas is over.

please help I’m utterly devastated and broken. Haven’t stopped crying all day

OP posts:
Cryingatthegym · 18/12/2024 18:28

I don't have any advice but I didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry this is is happening to you. Do you have anyone you could speak to for support? Family or friends?

iamnotalemon · 18/12/2024 18:32

I'm sorry to hear this. What a dick head.

rubyslippers · 18/12/2024 18:33

I’d ask him to leave
tell the kids he’s gone away for work - he can stay with friends or family and then in the new year you initiate a divorce
you poor thing
do you have any real life support? If so, tell them and get all their practical and emotional support

AnonAnonmystery · 18/12/2024 18:33

Same I didn’t want to read and run. I think your H trying to take you off social media may have been because he told the ow he had split from You maybe? I’m sorry to say but if they’ve been having sex for two years then he wants to be with her. He just doesn’t want to lose the nice set up he has at home. It’s likely the affair started from an emotional one which explains his behavior. I think for now you need to process this all but in the new year get some legal advice. Again, I am sorry for my take on this x

Chocaholic1216 · 18/12/2024 18:35

This situation happened to me in 2022 almost exactly as yours did. A week before Christmas found out he had been in an 18 month affair with his work colleague 8 years younger than him. We are still together now but it has been extremely difficult and my mental health is at rock bottom. He is trying hard to make things up to me and get the trust back but it’s something I can’t ever really forgive as it went on for so long and there was such an enormous amount of deception during that time. If things haven’t drastically improved very soon with how I feel then I’m going to leave the marriage

Figgygal · 18/12/2024 18:36

rubyslippers · 18/12/2024 18:33

I’d ask him to leave
tell the kids he’s gone away for work - he can stay with friends or family and then in the new year you initiate a divorce
you poor thing
do you have any real life support? If so, tell them and get all their practical and emotional support

Absolutely agree with this .
Work through the shock then get angry and protect yourself and your children

Patienceinshortsupply · 18/12/2024 18:37

Oh what a bastard to do that to you.

I would ask him to leave, even if it's temporary - you won't be able to deal with this if he's minimising it all to you.

And he is the one who has ruined Christmas, not you.

Flowers
Sunflowers321 · 18/12/2024 18:39

I’m so sorry @GARLANDGIRL2024, what a horrific shock. I’ve no words of wisdom but you have a handhold from me x

Collette78 · 18/12/2024 18:42

This must be utterly devastating … you are going to need some time to digest this as you will still be in shock.

Perhaps ask him to go away for a few days and give you some space then see if you can make it through Christmas Day for the kids?

You are going to have more questions for him and at some point you might want a discussion.

Some people do get through this kind of stuff, my sister did.

I personally can’t so wouldn’t be able to stay with someone who had been unfaithful and disrespectful in that way … I just think it’s a fundamental basic not to do that to your partner.

Make sure you look after yourself in terms of nutrition and sleep etc too xx

PureBoggin · 18/12/2024 18:46

Two years of lies and cheating is devastating. He had the chance to be honest with you so many times and he chose not to. He deliberately chose to lie to you and he would very likely have continued had you not been told by someone else.

You deserve much better than this. In your shoes I would keep my cards very close to my chest. I would get through Christmas for the children. I would get my financial, work, childcare ducks in a row and then I would ask him to leave for good. A one-night stand could be forgiven....a two year affair where he tries to hide you and your children from social media like it's his actual family he should ashamed of is breathtakingly despicable.

Spend as much time as possible over Christmas with family and friends and in the New Year speak with a solicitor and get a full STI check.

AmethystRuby · 18/12/2024 18:47

i agree with others. i would ask him to leave but realistically when its shock you cant muster the courage to end it esp if there are kids involved. @Chocaholic1216 i commend you for staying and trying to work through it - can i ask, do you wish you left when you found out now that you've been living this for 2 years. or do you think its been a waste of 2 years and emotionally too much?

edited to add, that i know above sounds contradictory but in this situation its a lose lose. you need courage to stay and you need courage to leave

TwinkleLights24 · 18/12/2024 18:52

I’m so sorry 😔

asthecrowdwaschantingmore · 18/12/2024 18:56

I'm so sorry.

He's had 2 years to think about what he's doing and what HE wants. You are entitled to take as much time as you need to process what you've just learned and can ask him to leave while you do.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/12/2024 18:57

What a total shit. You poor poor thing, I’m so sorry 💐💐💐

Tiegs · 18/12/2024 18:58

Chocaholic1216 · 18/12/2024 18:35

This situation happened to me in 2022 almost exactly as yours did. A week before Christmas found out he had been in an 18 month affair with his work colleague 8 years younger than him. We are still together now but it has been extremely difficult and my mental health is at rock bottom. He is trying hard to make things up to me and get the trust back but it’s something I can’t ever really forgive as it went on for so long and there was such an enormous amount of deception during that time. If things haven’t drastically improved very soon with how I feel then I’m going to leave the marriage

You should leave him anyway your never going to ever trust him fully again and always bring up the affair

pilates · 18/12/2024 18:59

You poor thing @GARLANDGIRL2024
what an awful position to be in just before Christmas. I hope you can confide in someone - it’s too much for you to cope with on your own 😔

StormingNorman · 18/12/2024 19:03

I’m so sorry @GARLANDGIRL2024 this is devastating. Christmas just seems to make it all more complicated and confusing.

Take a step back and try to figure out what you need right now? Do you need him to stay away for a couple of days while you think? Do you need him to stay and talk it over some more?

Take care of yourself first so you can take care of the DC. And given what’s just happened, Christmas is a long time away so don’t worry about that just yet.

WickedlyCharmed · 18/12/2024 19:05

The fact that he asked you to come off social media, asked you not to post any pics of him and the kids, and you’ve now received an anonymous message, tells me that he’s been bullshitting the OW for 2 years…

The marriage is dead
I promise I’ll leave her
We don’t have sex any more
I’m only staying for the kids
I have to wait until the time is right

And something has happened to cause the scales to fall from the OW’s eyes. So she’s sent you the anonymous message.

I’d let her have him. She will always know he’s only there because you kicked him out.

But do it under your own terms in your own time. If you want to get through Christmas for the kids then that’s completely understandable. He can fuck off to the spare bedroom for now.

You should tell friends and family though. The only people you should hide this from for now is the children. He can suffer the contempt of everyone you visit or who visits you over Christmas.

Unicornsfordays · 18/12/2024 19:15

In fairness, the marriage is dead if one party has an affair for two years. He is staying for the kids. That’s it.

BeccaS34 · 18/12/2024 19:17

OP I almost wish you left him to hold the bag for Xmas and took yourself on a short vacation. Sorry this happened to you

Daleksatemyshed · 18/12/2024 19:18

I'm sorry Op, this is a dreadful shock especially at Christmas when it's supposed to be a happy time. Don't let him tell you it meant nothing, it means a hell of a lot to you to find he's been lying to you for two years.Only you know what you want to do next but don't let him emotionally blackmail you into letting him stay

AshCrapp · 18/12/2024 19:19

I'd ask him to leave and I'd be really, really kind to myself. Good luck OP.

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 19:24

@GARLANDGIRL2024 What a little, predictable shit he is.

Ohhh, the old chestnut about the 'breakdown' - yeah, yeah, that one is polished smooth with use!

He wanted the excitement of sex with another woman, but the comfort of a wife and family at home.

Kick his sorry ass out- You won't be able to trust him again.

So sorry...this happened to me and our 4 yr old many years ago at exactly this time of year.

We divorced, it was a struggle, and son was definitely adversely affected as his dad wasn't;'t that great at seeing him regularly as was so 'cuntstruck' with the new woman {they divorced after two years of marriage}

It is a shock, for sure.

Candy24 · 18/12/2024 19:25

Unicornsfordays · 18/12/2024 19:15

In fairness, the marriage is dead if one party has an affair for two years. He is staying for the kids. That’s it.

Uumm very blunt and maybe very hurtful

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 19:26

Unicornsfordays · 18/12/2024 19:15

In fairness, the marriage is dead if one party has an affair for two years. He is staying for the kids. That’s it.

He's staying for himself...as he knows he will have to pay a shedload of maintenance and run two houses if he leaves.

I'd not trust him an inch.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

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