Husband has been having an affair for 2 years

[GARLANDGIRL2024]

I found out last night. I am still numb.
i received a message on facebook from a fake profile saying your husband has been having an affair for 2 years with a colleague.

i showed him the message and I could tell by his face it was true. My whole world, my whole heart, my family all shattered to pieces in that one moment.

He admitted it, it didn’t take much to get it out of him. They used to work together at his last company. Sleeping together for 2 years. She’s single and 10 years younger than him.

they no longer work together. Their last meeting was 3 weeks ago, when he told me he was out with his work colleagues and stayed in a hotel after. He often stays in hotels approx once every month or so, as he works 2 hours away from where we live so when he goes for a drink after work he stays. What a fool I am, never thought anything of it cos I trusted him!!!

tells me he doesn’t love her, it’s just a sex.
he doesn’t want to be with her, he doesn’t want to end our marriage.

about a year ago he had what he called a mental breakdown, told me he wasn’t sure if he was happy, wasn’t sure what he wanted. He swore blind there was no one else, but it all makes sense now!
He very nearly left me, and our 2 young kids. We’ve been married for 9 years and together for 15 years. But he decided to stay. 2 years ago he came off social media and asked me to do the same! I said no so he asked me not to post any pictures of him or the kids…. Again it all makes sense now!!!

i am just utterly shocked. What I keep thinking about was that he very nearly left me for her, so there’s feelings there or as he says there was but not anymore
yet he still sleeping with her!!

I just cannot believe it. A week before Christmas. Our kids are 5 and 7 and we’ve together planned a perfect Christmas for them, it’s all ruined now !!
I don’t know what to do.
part of me wants to act normal for the kids until Christmas is over.

please help I’m utterly devastated and broken. Haven’t stopped crying all day

That is vile.

That comment about it only being about sex is vile too. That would make me feel worse rather than better!

Bloody hell how awful. It's truly horrible to find out that the man / woman you love has been cheating. Gut wrenching. You need to speak to a close friend or family member and get their support xx

Get angry OP. That will get you through. Sheer indignation of how dare he destroy your family and lie to your face. Know your worth and it isn't that. Christmas will be challenging but you'll look back one day and be amazed by your own strength. From experience. Good luck.

OP I'm so sorry for this bombshell and the unfortunate timing before Christmas.

Please get an STI test, he has been putting your health at risk.

I’m so sorry OP. Nobody deserves this x

I’m so sorry to hear this - what an absolute c#nt he is. My friend is in a similar situation to yours. Except …. He has done it repeatedly. Long affairs. One lasted four years. She found out half way through and he batted away her questions. She’s still with him - I don’t really understand it, all I can do is support her. I know she’s worried about her standard of living, but I wish she’d just kick him out. She’s changed, still lovely and loving, but her eyes are sad. It’s worn her down. She’s aged a lot over the last six years (affair and post Dday).

it’s your decision. I do think some time apart and spending Christmas Day without him would help as he’ll only add a layer of extra stress and tension. If it’s just you and the kids (and some family?) then you’ll have peace and get to enjoy time with your DC. Don’t put pressure on yourself to make a decision just yet.

I'm so sorry OP. What an absolute fucking shit, of a husband 😔

What I would like to say is two years is a secret life. So many lies, and I bet he was believable at the time. The amount of lies he’s told over that period…..agree with PP that when the drip feeding starts its heartbreak all over again.

This is shattering and a lack of empathy. You really need time to process and look after yourself and protect your mental health here. It’s hard because it’s Christmas - but you should really try put yourself first if you’re heart is breaking and be brave for your own sanity.

Putting on a brave face will be hard, it’s horrible to hear someone has done this for so long behind your back and then for you to carry on with the facade over Christmas is heartbreaking x

What a fucking tool your DH is.

I would personally make him squirm by taking the moral high ground, make him do all the Christmas festivities and make a nice Christmas for your DC, whilst you deal with him in the background and tell him in no uncertain terms that it's over and take him to the cleaners.

Why do men do this.

I couldn’t forgive it op. My ex had an emotional affair the trust had gone. There were other issues. I’m sorry this is happening. Can you tell him to leave. Give yourself some headspace. Tell the kids he’s working. Then maybe spend Xmas day together for the kids?

What are your Christmas plans OP? Are you staying at home all together, or are you visiting family? If you are visiting family I couldn't keep up the pretence personally, so you could look to change your plans, or at least scale them back.

What an absolute arsehole! Just remember that you've done nothing wrong here, there's no right or wrong answer to how you want to handle this, whatever you need from him now is what he needs to do, no questions asked, and you don't have to accept any bullshit from him, you do what you feel is best for you and the kids, if that means taking them and staying with your family, or asking him to leave, then don't even hesitate.

He's chosen his path in life, he now has to live with the consequences of that.

Your husband is a piece of shit

But so is the person who put this onto your Facebook the week before Christmas presumably knowing you had 2 little kids

Awful. She needs a good slap, see too many tramps getting away with this, no consequences. And DH deserves to be left with nobody.

Totally agree. I know now from just looking at my friend whether her H has done it again. Unbelievable and I can’t believe how OP and PP have been in similar situations. What is wrong with these men? Bellends.

Echoing what others have said, so sorry to read about this and you must be deeply shocked and upset. It is just awful and your head must be all over the place trying to process this life changing news and work out the best way forward for you and your children. You will find a way to cope, we always do but it must be extra tough at this time of the year . The man is a callous fool, but reading this won't help you. I do hope you have some strong support out there in the real world

I can't understand why men with beautiful families do this with women they don't even care about. Quite apart from everything else, it's just so fucking stupid.

I’m actually gutted for you. I can’t offer any advice b3cause honestly if this happened to me right before Christmas with young kids I wouldn’t know what to do. For me Christmas is all about the kids, so it’s a massive decision deciding on next steps for you and them. He will probably try to guilt trip you into staying together for the kids at Christmas. Only you can decide what’s best for you. A bit shitty of the OW to message you right before Christmas. Maybe he said he wouldn’t spend Christmas with her? Hope to god it works out for you and your dc 💙

If you are visiting family I couldn't keep up the pretence personally, so you could look to change your plans, or at least scale them back.

This is going to be very hard but I agree that keeping up the pretence for the kids is important right now but if you can OP, please confide in your family as to what is happening. And tell your DH that you are doing so, and that he can't hide. I'm petty as fuck but I'd absolutely be claiming every bit of moral high ground available.

I'm so sorry OP. It's such a lot to process. Take your time and if you have a trusted person talk to them. You don't have to make any decisions straight away. You have all our support 🌷

I can't understand why you stayed?

I would not put pressure on yourself to keep up the pretence for Christmas. Your kids will be fine, take them to see family and leave him at home. You do not owe him anything and I promise that the excitement of the day will keep your kids going. Don’t put yourself through anything that will break your heart even more.

Just sex, my arse.
Women don't generally sleep with a man for 2 years who they believe has no feelings for them.
He will have been promising her the world.

Agree with this ^. Assuming that the girl is in her 20s, why would she stay 'single' for 2 years, shagging an older man, unless she believed that she had a future with him?

He's not only lying to you, he's lying to her too. Now she's realised, she's decided to message you, I bet.

I understand as I found out the same about my husband earlier this year. Like you I trusted him completely and felt like such a fool. It makes you question what was real and what was lies in the marriage and what they were truly thinking and feeling. But like others said it’s important to talk about how you’re feeling with people you trust. I tried to keep it to myself but it started to make me ill so make sure you get some support. I only found out because my husband died suddenly and I had to sort out his mobile and found messages going back to 2022. If he hadn’t died I don’t think I would have ever found out as he was obviously an expert liar. Sending you strength

This is so difficult for you and the children, ok a suggestion others may not agree, but Sunday get him, to give the kids their Xmas presents from him after lunch , and just say daddy has to work over Christmas so santa came a tad early but will come again Christmas morning for sure, then afterwards Sunday when they are in bed kick him out .And then the kids will not feel abandoned by him . Though he has in reality