Husband has been having an affair for 2 years

[GARLANDGIRL2024]

I found out last night. I am still numb.
i received a message on facebook from a fake profile saying your husband has been having an affair for 2 years with a colleague.

i showed him the message and I could tell by his face it was true. My whole world, my whole heart, my family all shattered to pieces in that one moment.

He admitted it, it didn’t take much to get it out of him. They used to work together at his last company. Sleeping together for 2 years. She’s single and 10 years younger than him.

they no longer work together. Their last meeting was 3 weeks ago, when he told me he was out with his work colleagues and stayed in a hotel after. He often stays in hotels approx once every month or so, as he works 2 hours away from where we live so when he goes for a drink after work he stays. What a fool I am, never thought anything of it cos I trusted him!!!

tells me he doesn’t love her, it’s just a sex.
he doesn’t want to be with her, he doesn’t want to end our marriage.

about a year ago he had what he called a mental breakdown, told me he wasn’t sure if he was happy, wasn’t sure what he wanted. He swore blind there was no one else, but it all makes sense now!
He very nearly left me, and our 2 young kids. We’ve been married for 9 years and together for 15 years. But he decided to stay. 2 years ago he came off social media and asked me to do the same! I said no so he asked me not to post any pictures of him or the kids…. Again it all makes sense now!!!

i am just utterly shocked. What I keep thinking about was that he very nearly left me for her, so there’s feelings there or as he says there was but not anymore
yet he still sleeping with her!!

I just cannot believe it. A week before Christmas. Our kids are 5 and 7 and we’ve together planned a perfect Christmas for them, it’s all ruined now !!
I don’t know what to do.
part of me wants to act normal for the kids until Christmas is over.

please help I’m utterly devastated and broken. Haven’t stopped crying all day

@GARLANDGIRL2024

Love, two years is not an affair, it's a full blown relationship. And he dares to say 'it's just sex'? No it's obviously not, not if it's been going on for two years (and counting). And then that he 'decided' to stay with you knowing he was going to keep seeing her? Oh, how magnanimous of him, the lying cheating bastard!

I think the PPs saying you need to ask him to give you some space are right. You should ask him to leave, and if you aren't ready for 'leave forever', then at least for a week. He can come back on Christmas Day 'for the kids'. That will give you a week to take it all in and hopefully calm yourself enough to put on a good show for the children.

Is there someone you can call? Your parents or a close friend or relative? You really need IRL support.

Get through Xmas, decisions can wait til then.

Wow thank you all so much for your replies I’ve read and re read them all.

i have amazing family and friends but im not ready to tell them yet . I’m not really to say the words out loud.

last year when I was away abroad on a hen do. He dropped our kids to my parents from breakfast time til dinner time in order to spend the whole day with her! How sick and scummy is that. Made me feel sick all over again

I’m so so sorry to hear this. It’s everyone’s worst nightmare isn’t it. Especially when you trust him, he works away etc I’m just so so sorry. It’s broken my heart for you x

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. How devastating. Thinking of you xx

Sorry you are getting more of the details and more will come out as he drip feeds you snippets of the truth and you look into times he was “away with work”.
I bet you can’t even look at him now. It’s so upsetting though, the deceit is unbelievable!

What awful behaviour from him. I would suggest, if you can, holding it together over Christmas festivities, then gathering your strength after that and telling him to leave. He’s stolen at least two years of your life. Don’t let him have any more.

I'm so sorry to hear this OP, finding out about that level of betrayal and lies is truly heartbreaking.

Do you think you can put a brave face on it for the kids? I don't think I would be able too, after the hurt you feel now will come the anger and resentment which will be difficult to keep a lid on.

Agree with a PP who said could he go somewhere for a few days to give you some space?

What has he said? Is he still seeing the other woman? What do you want to do going forwards?

Sorry this has happened to you op its awful it really is.
My advice is dont be second best for him your worth more dont be fooled and stay and spend the rest of your life thinking will he do it again.
He did not have just an affair it was a whole different life on the side.
Be the stronger one and not back down tell him to hit the road.
You will heal it will take time but you will heal.
If he really loved you he would never have gone looking elsewhere.
Deep breath and go tell him you have made a choice YOUR choice just like he had a choice get the fuck out you and your slut are welcome to each other and you want a divorce.
Stand your ground you got this.
Give him hell in court and take him for everything.

His actions are no reflection on you @GARLANDGIRL2024, you deserve so much better than him! I would tell your family tomorrow, you are in shock and need their support.You might feel it’s better not to say anything because you feel ashamed that your in this position but you have nothing, absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about, he is the one who has led a double life and betrayed you. He is the one who has blown his wife and dc’s lives apart, luckily they have a mum they can depend on to put them first.

I'm going to guess that anonymous profile is the OW - who is finally working out that he'll never leave you (because he's a cheating arsehole who has been feeding her as many lies as he's fed you) and she's trying to flush him out.

I am so sorry to read this and I've been on both sides. My now ex H had an affair with a random woman he met on line who lived in a different country. He only told me as her h was about to tell me. I stayed for years and called time when my youngest was 18 over something else. I didn't tell anyone really as I didn't want people given me their opinions. It was my marriage and my choice.

If you want to leave - or have him leave the house - you will get all the practical and emotional support you need.

If you want him to stay you'll get all the support you need to get through this time with stuff to protect yourself should you decide to leave later.

Just remember, what we you decide to do today does not have to be for ever.

Men can have sex without feelings a lot easier than women - generalisation.

Aww OP I am so sorry this happened! He is an utter Tw*t. If you think you can get through Xmas kick him onto the sofa and ask him to stay out of your way. if not tell him to go elsewhere. Allow him to see the kids Xmas day but keep them with you.

he's a Selfish idiot who was only thinking of his Di*k. Get your ducks in a row, speak to a solicitor in the new year and confined in a couple family/friends and do not allow him to play any form of victim.

you will get through this I promise. Remember this is NOT your fault. xx

You are not a fool he is ! That is a fact

Chrismas is not ruined because you won't let it be.

As the kids are young personally I would stick it out for them until after Xmas day.

Be the best mum you can be, songs, smile, joke and laugh with your children. Make their day magical as you know you can.

Then kick his sorry ass to the curb. What a pig. Even if you don't want to end things with him you do need to give him a damn well wake up call and he got some grovelling to do.

If you do decide to kick him out and end the relationship then know this is not on you! You are innocent, you have no guilt and nothing to be ashamed of. Him on the other hand will !

The situation of his affair is understandably heartbreaking.
What strikes me is this cu*t, who revealed this
a week before Christmas.
Sorry.
🙁🤢

I found out about my ex husband's first affair whilst heavily pregnant with my youngest. He swore blind it had been a short term thing, in the middle of a mental health breakdown.. all the usual.

I did stay. Because I felt I had no choice. I couldn't do birth and newborn with older kids at home alone.

It took me 3 years to get out. I now know he had over 50 affairs. Well affair may be overstating. He cheated on me with over 50 people.

Honestly? I wish I had been strong enough to leave straight away. But LTB is easy to say when it's not your life and your fears about not being there to tuck your kids into bed every night.

But you WILL get through this. Whatever getting through it looks like for you. And your children will grow up knowing its not ok to treat their mother this way.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk to someone who lived it.

Otherwise just keep putting one foot in front of the other you don't have to make any decisions about your new life now. But do get some space so he can't worm his weasel excuses into your ear!

Read the chump lady book and cheating in a nutshell. They really clarify the mindset of a cheater and will help you look out for your self.

Kicking him out for now, is not the same as ending the marriage, you can still take as long as you want to think on that. However you should tell him you need space to think and insist he moves out. Do Christmas without him, but with all your friends and family, that way he will feel the loss. If he goes straight to her, then you know his words are all lies and better off without him.

Ah OP I am sorry to read this. What a terrible shock for you. What an absolute shit head he is.

Some people like to have their cake and eat it unfortunately.

I would be minded to ask him to move out for a couple of weeks to give yourself some headspace to think about what you want to do, whether that’s now or after Xmas if that’s easier. Maybe go and speak to a solicitor to be clued up as to your rights are while you think it through.

So sorry to hear that. Please don't spend the following days alone and try to reach out to trusted friend(s) and family. I have been in the same shoes. Try not to make any rash decisions at the moment. It's ok to have crying spells. They will help you get over some of the shock. Don't let him make excuses and lie to you even more. You decide when and if you want to have a discussion with him.

I have such a similar situation to you. Found out on New Year's Day this year. Had to get through the next week as a big family party was planned at ours and I didn't want to blow it up, partly because my kids look forward to it all year, as do all the family. After that I kicked him out but didn't last long. I think it has killed our marriage long term but I'm not ready to flip the switch yet. I want a bit longer being a SAHM for one! I still love the twat but the hurt and betrayal is too much to live with long term. I hope I can leave on my terms when I'm ready but if I catch him out again first I will definitely have to be done. I didn't tell any family as I didn't want to be accountable to anyone but me. You do you, you still have choices. Don't believe a word he says though.

What a prick. I stayed quiet to protect my ex for weeks and I wish I hadn't. Please confide in somebody as you need the support

DM me if you need to, I wish I had had Mumsnet all those years ago

It sounds as though the girlfriend was ready to contact you on social media and lo and behold you get a message on social media. That's why he was trying to persuade you to come off it.

I think what you should do is not make any decision now. Tell him that you have to put the children first and you're going to celebrate Christmas with them. It will really upset the children if he moves out before Christmas. I have gone through this and it's really hard but you have to put the children first. It's not in their interest at all to go through a massive break up at this time of year.

Then, password protect a Word document on your laptop if you can and make notes of every single bloody thing you can think of that you have to do once Christmas is over.

Cheaters are always sorry,sorry they've been caught out.

If these women mean so little to them then why fuck about with them in the first place?

You've two very important appointments to make;the first with your local GUM clinic to be tested for STI's and the second one to a shit hot divorce solicitor-you don't have to make any immediate decisions but at least knowing where you stand legally gives you options.

Just sex, my arse.
Women don't generally sleep with a man for 2 years who they believe has no feelings for them.
He will have been promising her the world.
In another life I was the OW in this situation (much older and wiser now) and he was so convincing, total love bomber, telling me he wished he'd met me first, madly in love, he and wife were in separate rooms, separation in motion and they were telling the kids after Xmas. Story as old as time.
She found messages on his phone and shit hit the fan.
FWIW she's still with him. I was the 3rd affair (at the time) she was aware of. I'll never understand her staying but people do for their own reasons.
Point is, don't believe a word he says.

My heart breaks for you

But you have your two little boys. You need support and people around you

If it's too much for you, you need to tell him to leave. Doesn't mean he can't see the boys but ...

What a betrayal