Husband has been having an affair for 2 years

[GARLANDGIRL2024]

I found out last night. I am still numb.
i received a message on facebook from a fake profile saying your husband has been having an affair for 2 years with a colleague.

i showed him the message and I could tell by his face it was true. My whole world, my whole heart, my family all shattered to pieces in that one moment.

He admitted it, it didn’t take much to get it out of him. They used to work together at his last company. Sleeping together for 2 years. She’s single and 10 years younger than him.

they no longer work together. Their last meeting was 3 weeks ago, when he told me he was out with his work colleagues and stayed in a hotel after. He often stays in hotels approx once every month or so, as he works 2 hours away from where we live so when he goes for a drink after work he stays. What a fool I am, never thought anything of it cos I trusted him!!!

tells me he doesn’t love her, it’s just a sex.
he doesn’t want to be with her, he doesn’t want to end our marriage.

about a year ago he had what he called a mental breakdown, told me he wasn’t sure if he was happy, wasn’t sure what he wanted. He swore blind there was no one else, but it all makes sense now!
He very nearly left me, and our 2 young kids. We’ve been married for 9 years and together for 15 years. But he decided to stay. 2 years ago he came off social media and asked me to do the same! I said no so he asked me not to post any pictures of him or the kids…. Again it all makes sense now!!!

i am just utterly shocked. What I keep thinking about was that he very nearly left me for her, so there’s feelings there or as he says there was but not anymore
yet he still sleeping with her!!

I just cannot believe it. A week before Christmas. Our kids are 5 and 7 and we’ve together planned a perfect Christmas for them, it’s all ruined now !!
I don’t know what to do.
part of me wants to act normal for the kids until Christmas is over.

please help I’m utterly devastated and broken. Haven’t stopped crying all day

Don't mentally torture yourself by playing pretend over Christmas. The kids will pick up on it anyway. Kick him out and don't look back.

It really depends on how you feel, OP. What do you want to do? Do you still love him? Could you ever forgive him? As bad as his cheating is, the cruelty and selfishness of the OW is incredible. Dropping such a bomb a week before Christmas when there are two little children involved is diabolical.

How awful OP - your husband is a dick. I agree with the above posters - get some space from him ASAP and most importantly treat yourself with kindness. You've done nothing wrong and his behaviour is no reflection on you no matter how much he tries to spin it back on you. Trust me, he'll try to convince you you drove him to do it but it's purely selfishness on his part.

You'll be reeling for a few weeks. I'd try to get him out of the house and away before Christmas. He can take the kids to see his family for a couple of hours and you can go spend some time with trusted people.

All too often the betrayed spouse tries to justify the cheater’s behaviour and they believe all the tears and the lies because it’s less painful. Cue years of denial, and its ends anyway. Why go through more pain.

also I am autistic so I apologise if I come across as blunt.

Kick him out straight away and see the best lawyer you can afford.
What a prize selfish twat.

So it wasn’t just 2 yrs of deception, it was active deception in trying to get you to change your behaviour to assist his lying and cheating?
If he were to stay what would there be anything he could do for you to be able to securely trust him again?
I’d back others in saying he needs to move out for a few days to give you space to think. It would also allow you to get ducks in a row. Do you have someone in real life who can support you?

I am so sorry I can't imagine what you mist be going through, you should definitely leave him, what he has done is unforgivable

Well...fuck him and fuck the person who anonymously told you the week before Christmas. I'd put money on who it was.

Batten down the hatches, tell him to leave and find your anger.

Two years is a really long time. I wonder how much longer he'd have been happy to live this double life if 'someone' hadn't sent you the anonymous message. Personally I wouldn't be able to trust him ever again. What a loser to do this to you and your children. You deserve better.

So sorry OP!
Put yourself and your emotions first, feel all of them. And know this, to stay is self esteem death, betrayal trauma is a pain like no other.
To split is hard, but it does promise a better future, where you can do what you want with you life. I'm sorry to say either way is heartache, but one (leaving) still has hope and opportunity in it's future. The other (staying) has only soul destroying pain each and every day.
Do not accept any blame-shifting, whatever he says, just ignore it. He's done this, it's his infidelity, his actions, his selfishness.
You do need to fully express your emotions. Whatever you do, do not suppress them. Get him out of the house, tell him to take the kids if you really feel the need to get angry and vent. Have Xmas on YOUR OWN TERMS.
Thinking of you OP xx

I wouldn't be surprised if it is one of his colleagues that sent the message rather than the OW. They probably all know and someone had enough and thought you deserved to be told. I've often thought of tipping off the wives of those snagging around.

If his colleagues know what would make me want to kick him to the kerb even more. So disrespectful towards you to not only have an affair, but let others find out about it.

Sorry this has happened to you op. Being cheated on is a pain like no other but I can't imagine it with kids and Christmas on top of you.

You'll never look at him the same way now, and I think anyone who can stoop to betray someone and cheat like this isn't worth even having.
If you love someone you don't do this to them, he knew what he was risking and went ahead anyway. Not just for one night or a couple of weeks, for two whole years!

You deserve better Op 💐

@GARLANDGIRL2024 I’m so sorry. You must be so confused. Allow yourself time to feel whatever you need to feel, do whatever you need to do to get through the next few days, whether that’s asking him to leave, going away yourself or putting on a front for the kids, whatever it is that you need.

Remember that he is not your friend right now and you cannot trust anything he says because he has lied to you repeatedly for two years. He may now be telling the truth but you can’t be sure if that because of his behaviour. He also didn’t come clean on his own, he’s only telling you because he got caught.

Whoever sent the message was cruel to do it right now but, presuming it’s the OW, she more likely was trying to hurt him. Given his attempts to hide your marriage I would guess he told her a lot of lies too which may have prompted her to tell you. Not that it matters really, she knew he was married regardless of what he said.

You don’t have to make any big decisions right now, you just need to get through the shock. Take and ask for any help you can irl, you’ll need all the support you can get.

Tell him to leave.

Don’t spend your Christmas on egg shells and feeling like absolute shit being around him and trying to be normal.

Your children must be used to him not being around as much if he works away normally.

Tell them he has had to go away for work unexpectedly and get on with enjoying a Christmas at home just you and the kids.

Put on a happy front for them in the day and cry in your room at night if you need to.

Do not let him give all the excuses about how sorry he is and that it didn’t mean anything.

Hes only sorry now that he’s been caught.

@AmethystRuby if I had left straight away I might have always wondered “what if I’d stayed and tried to make my marriage work”. 2 years on I can see clearly now that wishful thinking isn’t helpful in this sort of situation and I have just been tormenting myself by trying to make it work. All I want now is peace in my life and I’ll never have that staying with someone who can lie and hurt me so easily

Split. You will have a much nicer life without this man. If you need to get through Christmas for the kids then do so but I would kick him out and have him for the day, they are used to him going away for work so just use that as an excuse.

So sorry OP.
I think this is the intention of the OW. Things aren't going so well with them at the moment, it's blown up, so OW has hit back to blow up his world i think. A kind of revenge.

I didn't want to read and run, but I hope you get the support you need. He's a shit.

I don’t think he has lied to you easily - he found an easy way to have sex when you were busy with his young kids. He got in too deep in the affair. The guilt was there - I suspect he probably did have some kind of mental fracture at the point he thought he was going to leave you.

But then he took a decision to stay and perpetuate the lie, to lie to the OW, to lie to everyone, to lie to himself. He probably told himself that he could keep it secret miles away from home. That it would only hurt you more if he told you. That the kids would suffer. It didn’t occur to him to end the affair and give you the opportunity to decide what happens next.

But now he has made his bed and he lies i it.I would reveal the affair to friends, to in-laws and my own family. Get it out in the open. Tell everyone his two year betrayal has broken you just before Christmas. Ask your family if you can go and stay with them. Tell him to pack up and leave while you are gone. And that he can come home and collect the kids for the day on Boxing Day and take them out. But you will
be home and you don’t want him there.

At this point it doesn’t matter in the slightest what he wants. Not in the slightest.

i hope you and OP find peace in these awful situations, someday soon

You’ve been trying so hard to make it work but also waiting for the axe to fall again. At least now you’ve given him a second chance, you know full well it’s futile and it’s time to be happily single x

I would tell everyone, you have done nothing to be ashamed of and you need support from friends and family. I wouldn’t want to see his face over Christmas neither. You need to come to terms with the lies, deception and infidelity and be there for the children.

I agree with this, what a nasty bitch. And I know everyone is telling you to ask him to go but if you think you still want the marriage or even if you aren't completely sure ... I'd be careful about kicking him out as it seems like this is exactly what she wants. If you can possibly hold it together - have your Christmas and let him see what it is that he has put at risk. Leave him to deal with the majority of the house work etc and try and get on with things. Even if in the new year you decide to end it, do it on your terms and don't kick him out and leave yourself with 100% of the childcare and house work over Christmas. Fuck that. I hope it works out for you whatever you decide.

He says it was ‘just sex’ for him, and that’s probably the only truth he’s said. Clearly it wasn’t for her, otherwise he wouldn’t have needed to hide your real family life from her. It doesn’t make it better, or worse, but it does give you the true measure of the man.
unless you decide you can live with someone you can’t trust, you can mentally block and convince yourself things are okay - really the only decision now is about Christmas for the kids, how long you can paint on a fake smiley face without breaking down.
if it’s possible- be with family, friends right now. Have people you can lean on IRL. Trying to pretend all is ok is just too stressful, you’ll make yourself ill trying.

There is no easy solution here op.
Can you tell your family or close friends?
You really must speak to someone op rather than bottle it up.
You must do what is best for you now.
With what you have written, it wasn’t ’just sex’ at all.
You cannot believe a word he says. He has been lying to you for years.
If you would feel better, tell him to leave. You can say he is working to your dcs.
It doesn't matter what he wants.
Remember he will say absolutely anything to make you stay with him. For all you know the ow may have told him she doesn’t want him.
You can tell him to leave. It doesn’t mean that you want to end your marriage. You don’t need to make any permanent decisions.
Take care of yourself op.