Husband has been having an affair for 2 years

[GARLANDGIRL2024]

I found out last night. I am still numb.
i received a message on facebook from a fake profile saying your husband has been having an affair for 2 years with a colleague.

i showed him the message and I could tell by his face it was true. My whole world, my whole heart, my family all shattered to pieces in that one moment.

He admitted it, it didn’t take much to get it out of him. They used to work together at his last company. Sleeping together for 2 years. She’s single and 10 years younger than him.

they no longer work together. Their last meeting was 3 weeks ago, when he told me he was out with his work colleagues and stayed in a hotel after. He often stays in hotels approx once every month or so, as he works 2 hours away from where we live so when he goes for a drink after work he stays. What a fool I am, never thought anything of it cos I trusted him!!!

tells me he doesn’t love her, it’s just a sex.
he doesn’t want to be with her, he doesn’t want to end our marriage.

about a year ago he had what he called a mental breakdown, told me he wasn’t sure if he was happy, wasn’t sure what he wanted. He swore blind there was no one else, but it all makes sense now!
He very nearly left me, and our 2 young kids. We’ve been married for 9 years and together for 15 years. But he decided to stay. 2 years ago he came off social media and asked me to do the same! I said no so he asked me not to post any pictures of him or the kids…. Again it all makes sense now!!!

i am just utterly shocked. What I keep thinking about was that he very nearly left me for her, so there’s feelings there or as he says there was but not anymore
yet he still sleeping with her!!

I just cannot believe it. A week before Christmas. Our kids are 5 and 7 and we’ve together planned a perfect Christmas for them, it’s all ruined now !!
I don’t know what to do.
part of me wants to act normal for the kids until Christmas is over.

please help I’m utterly devastated and broken. Haven’t stopped crying all day

Oh my dear. I'm so sorry. Are you able to get some immediate support by confiding in family/ close friends. Don't feel obligated to pretend everything is OK and don't feel you have to pretend for the sake of Christmas. Your family need to know what is going on so they can support you and your children. You're in shock and you need your family around you.
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@GARLANDGIRL2024 What a terrible shock. At a terrible time of year, for you and your family, and particularly the kids.

Do you have family and good friends you can talk to about this? You’ll need a lot of support to get through Xmas/NY without it affecting the kids.

I suggest he tells them he’s really sorry but he has to go and stay with family or friends to support them over Christmas. You clearly can’t spend time together with the kids, as they’ll sense the unhappiness.

And I suggest your family and friends rally around you, wherever you feel is best for you to recover from this trauma. You’ll need time to yourself here and there, so perhaps people can do fun things with the kids to allow you to have space, either alone or with someone keeping you company.

You will get through this. Because I’m sure you’re much stronger, more mature, responsible and selfless than your husband.

100%. What kind of person does that? Especially when there are kids involved.

Something has clearly happened for you to be contacted now about it, a week before Xmas and they will know you have little ones.

-Why now? Did he end it? Is she angry? Could she be pregnant? be aware of the timing and alert to any further info. Be prepared to ask this person further questions yourself.

OP, you now have the power. He has none. Someone, whoever it is, has turned on him and now it’s you that decides the fate of the marriage and the family. For two years you were kept in the dark. So, quite rightly, you keep him in the dark too. He will be desperate to know what you’re thinking, what you want to do. You don’t owe him anything. Detach yourself from the situation, don’t say anything, act normal, give the kids a great Xmas. After Xmas, decide rationally what you want to do, but until you’ve decided what’s best for you- don’t tell him a thing.

He’s broken your trust and without trust what have you got?
why did he want you to come off social media-Was she threatening to contact you?
Just get yourself through Christmas for the kids sake, use this time to check yours and his finances and decide what you want to do then.

Which is why I'd keep him home until after the New Year.

A liar won't tell her he's been kicked out. More likely to say her message gave him a way out. He must be a master manipulator to have managed his double life for so long.

If OP can get from devastated to being in charge mode, (seeing as he wants to remain married) she can do this.
Decide after the holidays what she wants to do long term.

Children will be so excited at Christmas, they won't notice any difference in the parent's behaviour.

It's all so calculated. Probably told OW he couldn't get away over Christmas and she took revenge. Nothing to say she's been faithful to him for two years however.

Yes, tell the kids he is away for work.
Have the best Christmas you can manage, alone with the kids.
See your family, do what feels best for you.
Use your family to help with the childcare over New Year and plan your next moves.

Why do you think the person told you right now?

You need to leave too. Wasting your life, you deserve happiness too xxx

Staying for the kids? I don't think so it will have been for financial reasons and also having your cake and eating it.
A fucking worm of a man.

What an absolute scum bag. God he did not even come clean himself. I am so sorry OP. Like one of the first pps said, get rid of him for xmas at least so you can try and enjoy it with your DCs.

2 years! You could forgive an impulsive shag at the office, after which he came to you to confess but not 2 whole years. What struck me about your post was how quickly he threw the OW under a bus with the “I don’t love her and it’s just sex” deflection. It says a lot about the kind of man he truly is.

But ultimately it’s your decision and there is nothing wrong with taking your time processing everything. As you saw from some accounts in the thread, some people needed time. First off, I would get your own counselling, since you aren’t ready to talk to family and friends. Counsellors are open over Xmas as it’s such a time of crisis for many families, so you could start ringing around now.

This. Find all the financial records you can and photograph or copy everything. He is a liar and a cheat. This kind of man will hide his pension/bonus payments/savings and anything else he might legally have to share with you if you divorce. Find and hide your marriage certificate and DC birth certificates. Find and copy your mortgage paperwork, any joint bank account paperwork, house deeds.
Get through Christmas and then get legal advice.
I am so sorry he did this to you.
A good friend of mine went through the same thing. Her ex was a complete bastard but he reckoned without her intelligence, detective work and determination.

He needs to leave. You could let him back for a few hours on Christmas Day, but otherwise he needs to think about what he’s losing.

Then you can have a bit of time when he is not in your physical space and you can think about what you want.

He’s an utter bastard, by the way.

he doesn’t want to be with her, he doesn’t want to end our marriage

He never stopped to think about you or what you wanted in any of this. What a selfish man.

Same happened to me last year, Xmas was very sad as I woke up alone . The annoying it didn’t mean anything really made me feel sick. I am reading this so frequently on here now , I suspect it’s a mid life crisis !

I forgot to add be strong and take control of the situation and see how he reacts . Don’t be second best tell him to get lost and let him realise what damage he’s done . Whether you stay together is your decision but he needs a massive wake up call in the process!

Ah so sorry you are going through this. Could you get through Christmas so the children arent disrupted and then ask him to go in the New Year? Like other posters have said, get your ducks in a row and surround yourself with a support team of family and friends xx

Unfortunately, there are some (a lot?) of men who do believe they “love” their wife, whilst also shagging someone else. It’s not “love” as I recognise it but it is what they believe or at least, manage to convince themselves of.
I have never forgotten, decades ago, finding out a colleague was cheating on his lovely wife. When I asked him why, his response was “it’s like going to the dentist, just something you do”. I just gaped at him thinking WTAF??? It was enlightening for me and I’ve come across many, many men since who hold the same view. It’s vile and horrible and not something I will ever understand but it isn’t uncommon.
I am so sorry he’s done this op. He’s a massive twat. Take time now, all the time you need to decide what you want. All the choices are now yours, since his have been so thunderously cunty. Whatever you decide, in time, you will feel better, this too will pass. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but it will.
Oh and whoever decided to drop this on you a week before Christmas? Total dick move.
Sending you hugs and strength op. You will get through this xxxx

Oh yuck. He basically got his wife's parents to babysit his children to facilitate his adultery.

It's things like that you can never get over or forgive.

They ‘love’ what the wife does for them. The two women fulfil different purposes for them.

you cannot love anyone and do this to them, which is why ‘reconciling’ is a load of rubbish. It ends up as denial for a few years and then most couples split. Some might be better at lying to themselves but the core of the relationship is gone, rotten.

I could never stay with a cheater.

That mid life crisis excuse is a weak one. It also gives the cheating bastard a reason for his behaviour. The top and bottom of it is that he is weak, doesn’t respect his wife at all and is prepared to split his family up because he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. It’s just an inherent weakness that some people have and not a crisis.

It always seems to happen at Christmas. It’s like they can’t help but bloody ruin lovely family memories.

I wish you well. I’m not gonna tell you what to do but all I will say is. They don’t change if they get away with it once they’ve got away with it. Which seems to give them a license to do it again.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

A few bits of advice.

Self care first
Kick him out to allow yourself some space to breathe and think
STI check (sorry)
Seek legal advice asap
Move away from mumsnet and some of the ill informed, non research based 'opinions' and go to surviving infidelity. This website has some amazing posters who can guide you through this knowledgeably and with empathy.
Get a copy of 'leave a cheater gain a life' to understand the mindset of cheats and prevent you blaming yourself for any of this or feeling stupid. Whether a betrayed stays or goes this is essential reading imho.

My heart goes out to you! It is a trauma treat it as such.

It may not be the mistress but rather someone who would like to protect the wife.

Just leave now mate. What are you waiting for exactly?