Husband has been having an affair for 2 years

[GARLANDGIRL2024]

I found out last night. I am still numb.
i received a message on facebook from a fake profile saying your husband has been having an affair for 2 years with a colleague.

i showed him the message and I could tell by his face it was true. My whole world, my whole heart, my family all shattered to pieces in that one moment.

He admitted it, it didn’t take much to get it out of him. They used to work together at his last company. Sleeping together for 2 years. She’s single and 10 years younger than him.

they no longer work together. Their last meeting was 3 weeks ago, when he told me he was out with his work colleagues and stayed in a hotel after. He often stays in hotels approx once every month or so, as he works 2 hours away from where we live so when he goes for a drink after work he stays. What a fool I am, never thought anything of it cos I trusted him!!!

tells me he doesn’t love her, it’s just a sex.
he doesn’t want to be with her, he doesn’t want to end our marriage.

about a year ago he had what he called a mental breakdown, told me he wasn’t sure if he was happy, wasn’t sure what he wanted. He swore blind there was no one else, but it all makes sense now!
He very nearly left me, and our 2 young kids. We’ve been married for 9 years and together for 15 years. But he decided to stay. 2 years ago he came off social media and asked me to do the same! I said no so he asked me not to post any pictures of him or the kids…. Again it all makes sense now!!!

i am just utterly shocked. What I keep thinking about was that he very nearly left me for her, so there’s feelings there or as he says there was but not anymore
yet he still sleeping with her!!

I just cannot believe it. A week before Christmas. Our kids are 5 and 7 and we’ve together planned a perfect Christmas for them, it’s all ruined now !!
I don’t know what to do.
part of me wants to act normal for the kids until Christmas is over.

please help I’m utterly devastated and broken. Haven’t stopped crying all day

I've never been in that situation myself but I can imagine the deception really hits hard. All the sneaking around behind your back. I hope you are happy whatever you decide to do.

I was in your position almost exactly a year ago to the day. The affair hadn’t been going on as long but of course lots of hurt and deciet including him suggesting he might want to be with her.
I threw him out and of course Xmas lead up with the two kids was all ruined (obviously tried to keep it together for them but was awful) after about a week he seemed to realise what he had done and we agreed to work on things. Kind of felt that was the only choice as didn’t want to lose my kids 50% of the time but we had therapy, I needed to know everything. Xmas he was at our house with the kids but then u took them out to family for a few hours without him (so he could see what that was like being on his own.)
it’s been really hard and I’m still angry and don’t forgive it but we have made good steps to moving though it. Such awful timing though. This year being xmas time makes me remember it all the more clearly with children’s nativities etc.
whats your gut feel about how you want things to go? I never thought I would stay with someone who cheated…and I wouldn’t I’ve I didn’t have the kids, but the alternative seemed worse!

OK. I'm pretty blunt tbh. Life's too short. He wasn't thinking of you and his family when he was shagging her. Kick the (i apologise if this offends anyone) cunt out and don't look back. You've got this x

I am not sure you can pretend for Christmas. I’d consider telling him to leave and give you some space and you tell the kids daddy has to work urgently. And put a lovely family photo from the past year up on social media and tag him, and put one of just you and the kids up on yours. He gets no say in your actions now.

Message to everyone: if you need to message someone about their partner having an affair it's too cruel to do so just before Christmas

He is despicable! His deception is unforgiveable.

I think you should talk to someone IRL. You will crack up trying to hold this all in.

Could you bring yourself to put on some show of unity on Christmas Day for the children? If not, just fuck him out.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you, and what a supreme cunt to tell you so close to Christmas!!

I think you should ask him to leave and tell your children he’s been called away for work. It won’t ruin their Christmas and he’s brought it on himself. Tell him you need space. In the new year see a solicitor and get a plan in action.

I'm so sorry he has done this to you.

The fault is his, but I'm always astounded at the women too. I played the field a lot in my twenties but wouldn't have touched a married man with a barge pole.

I've no advice about next steps other than to say 2 years is a hell of a duration of deception, and you deserve to feel treasured. ❤

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My god, it is painful - it happened to me earlier this year. I came on here and found that every word written by wise women on the other side was true. There will be a script, a way he behaves from now on that helps him to justify his appalling behaviour.

It will feel like you will never recover, never get through it but you will. I will say though, I understand that you don't want to talk about it as it makes it real, but that is what saved my sanity. Talking, crying, raging, laughing even eventually with good friends who had my back. And therapy.

You must look after yourself, he has proven that he will not do that, ever, whatever he says now. You can't take care of your boys unless you are ok. Talking is self-care, and you deserve that in bucketloads.

For me it was an immediate decision, I could never stay. It turned out that he had been lying and cheating for decades over our long relationship so I was right. Trust your gut.

How completely awful for you, OP. I'm so sorry.

I don't think you should listen to posters telling you what they would do. We are not you, we don't know your story, or you. I have heard that some couples work through infidelity and come out stronger. Others walk away immediately. Only you know your marriage and your husband and yourself, not us.

Whatever you decide, it's going to be a process, and you're going to need time for the shock to wear off. So breathe deep, and attempt to relax if and when you can. No big decisions need to happen today.

Big hugs xxx 💐

What a piece of shit he is. So sorry OP
I’d want him out now, couldn’t bare to look at him. Kick him out and he has to tell the kids he’s not going to be around for Christmas - none of this is on you.

That's why I think it's the woman having the affair who's messaged the wife. She was probably on a promise that he would've moved out by Christmas and she's trying to make it happen.

Do you mean you only found out about the affair after he died? That's horrific if so. I'm so sorry for you.

He has betrayed you and your two young children. You and the children deserve better.

Personally I would let Christmas Day play out as normally as it can do for the children’s sake. They’re at the age where everything still feels magical (I have a 5 and 8 year old).

Then after Christmas, he leaves, you file for divorce and you carve out a life for you and your children filled with love, self respect and honesty.

The next few weeks and months will feel rough, but know there will be light at the end of it all.

Hugs.

I’m furious for you. What a complete dickhead he is.

It makes me so angry when these men say "it's just sex" as though that's supposed to mitigate the betrayal somehow. If it's just sex, he's risked his marriage, his children's happiness, all the shared history and closeness...for a shag that meant nothing. Which makes him an utterly worthless human being. If it's not just sex, he's knowingly future-faked with two different women, simulating love and loyalty, making plans, all the time knowing that sooner or later he's going to cause both of them total devastation. Which makes him an utterly worthless human being.

Oh, so much this! How can she do this to little children? Even if I were in the market for an affair with a married man (I'm not!) I would at least practice some honour and stick to men who don't have dependent children. And as for deliberately destroying their world, RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, how could she? These women destroy childhoods. I saw it myself when my friend's ex-h got a similar message from OW not long before Christmas eight years ago. The children's lives have been absolutely wrecked, and they were so little that the youngest has no memories of living with his dad. My friend suffered, of course, but ultimately she had had her own secure childhood and she'll find someone else. But the kids had one shot at childhood and it was ruined. Yes, I know her husband ruined it by having the affair in the first place, but it wasn't OW's place to swing a wrecking ball through the children's home and security, right before Christmas too. I could never, ever do that to helpless little children. (Blow the whistle or have an affair with a dad in the first place.)

Just goes to show how utterly selfish so many people are these days, with our culture of me-first.

The more life experience I gain (I'm 50 now), the more I realise just how utterly obsessed with sex some (many?) men are. They're willing to lose everything and break the hearts of their wife and children, just for a bit of the old in and out. I truly don't get it. It's for this reason that I'm very reluctant to be in a serious relationship again.

So so sorry. This isn’t a quick fling it’s a lot more than that and he’s still lying. I’d ask him to leave. As much as it hurts - you deserve better. He’s a deceiving, lying toe rag who can never be trusted again. Confide in your family and blow it wide opens

If it were “just sex” he wouldn’t care about family photos on Facebook etc. And neither would she. He's continuing to lie.

Invent a “work crisis” for him, to explain to the children why he’s not there next week. As PPs have suggested.

You will get through this.

Oh OP, so sorry he has done this. Hoping you find a way forward asap. He should be ashamed.

What an absolute c&@t ..I'm so sorry op I hope karma comes for him big time you are worth so much more

Happened to me, too.
My husband was a pilot and in the biggest non irony of all, he had an affair with a stewardess.
For 3 years — until their baby grew out of the shoebox in the top of her closet.
He asked for a divorce and then got furious when I filed for one. I don’t get it, either.
He kept me in court out of vindictiveness and anger and my attorney fees were over £80,000 in 1993, which would be £216,000 today.
People are crazy.

So sorry OP. I've been through this and remember the feeling of shock and disbelief.

I would tell him to leave and tell the children he was called away to work.

I would start calling a few solicitors. You are not under pressure to follow up but he is two years ahead of you and will be going into damage control mode. Good legal advice can help you understand your options.

Be kind to yourself. I'm so very sorry, he is not your friend, don't believe anything he says. Take whatever time and support your need to get through this.

So sorry this is awful Op. I agree it wasn’t “just sex” and even if it was that hardly makes it better. Risking all he has for “just sex” over a period of 2 years. It’s not adding up.

He has clearly been stringing along this younger woman and telling her he will leave you and/ or the marriage is dead etc.

Re. The OW being awful well yeah she is - but the fact is if it wasn’t her, it would’ve been someone else. I’m not saying it was the case in this instance, as she clearly knows he was married, but generally speaking cheats do lie and tell OW they are single if they feel it’s necessary.

So even if every woman took a stand and refused to deal with married men, they’d still find a way.

I used to do online dating and I was massively paranoid about ending up with a married man. I posted on my profile for married men not to contact me, threatening that I’d find them out and expose them so they shouldn’t even bother. I’d also be constantly on alert for any signs of married men, because there are sooo many cases of women being deceived on and off dating apps. But even with all my checks I knew there was still a chance I’d be fooled.

My worry with men like this is apart from how disgusting, irresponsible and selfish they are they’ve shown a capacity to be highly deceptive and live a double life.

The irony is despite the lies he probably told the OW he was more honest with her than he was with you, OP. The woman he has vowed to share a life with and has created children with.

She knew about you, you didn’t know about her. You’ve been living with a stranger and that must be frightening.

It’s obviously up to you what you do next but I must say men like this are dangerous on so many levels, not only because of the obvious destruction they wreak upon their families but because you really don’t know who they are.

That's awful op. I can't add much more than what the others have said but don't let him minimise this, don't let him off with it, you need space to process it all. But 2 years if deceit is hard to get over. It's very suspect how it's all over and you get a message. I'd say the other woman gave an ultimatum and has reacted badly when he couldn't make the jump