Daughter back from University - she’s all tuts and eye rolls :-(

[TheBramley]

I missed her so bloody much and was so excited to see her. I’m finding this so hard. I think I missed her less when she wasn’t here. Our home town is crap apparently and she can’t wait to get away forever and can’t understand why we ever put up with it. She’s been home since Friday and I’ve just been told I don’t buy the right bacon or pesto and the hot water tap temperature isn’t good enough - other than that she’s in her room talking to friends or asking for lifts at mad times. Bit sad. ☹️

A natural stage at 18? I don’t think so.

This is all perfectly normal behaviour op. I'm assuming your dd is living in halls? That first term/ year is such a big change. On tap socialising, freedom, and looking after yourself. It's a massive come down for her when she comes home, particularly if you live in a small town. DS is now on year 3 and is much more settled and has a more mature attitude when he comes home. Just hold fast, do her washing, cook for her and be excited for her. She'll be exhausted and missing uni life but will begin to appreciate coming home and visiting family over the next couple of years. She's making a life for herself and, whilst it really hurts, it's so much better than her wanting to come home every weekend. Gentle reminders about manners and suggesting she shows off her new cooking skills by cooking for you all. She's not an adult yet, despite what MM says.

As an 18 year old you might be tempted to challenge your parents on stuff like their political preferences, the odd lifestyle choice (eg environmental stuff), that sort of thing. Moaning about the wrong sort of free food and not living in a glamorous place is just acting like a dick though. I’d associate that more with early teenage years like 12-15, not the cusp of adulthood. I guess the only mitigating factor is that, on average, some girls tend to be more up themselves at that age than boys, viewing themselves as the centre of the universe.

We are talking about an 18 year old being rude to her mum, but you, presumably more mature than that, are being rude to a total stranger online! Why ? You could disagree without being insulting.

Is your daughter working during the holidays ?

Have you posted on the wrong thread? I don’t understand this.

Are you saying we should only commit ourselves to our children if they like us? 🫤

Well living in a village where the transport stops at 7 is a bit shit for a teenager. Municipal lights? I'm surprised you haven't had pushback on that before tbh.

Take her sister out instead. She’ll change her tune quickly if she’s left out and sitting at home on her own instead.

Next time she moans about something just say “did you come home for Christmas to have a nice time with us or just to criticise?”

I had one of these, comes back from uni and "Knows Fucking Everything"
Great comedy value, they grow out of it,

She is an adult!

When do kids become adults? Overnight when they hit 18? When they leave home? When?

Because I can assure you, it doesn’t happen overnight. She might legally be an adult, but she is still very much finding her way in the world. Three months ago she was living at home and now she is having to completely fend for herself, make new friends and balance work and socialising in an unfamiliar city.

If you’re expecting her to just adapt to that seamlessly overnight I think that’s really unreasonable. You don’t just stop being a parent when your kids move out.

This is another learning experience for her. She is still learning, and whether she likes it or not, learning from you.

I would try to understand her situation, as many posters have pointed out, but I would have to discuss it with her. If she wantrs to be treated as an adult, then she needs to act like one. She's currently acting like a stroppy, entitled teen. It would do her no favours to just let that ride.

I had the same experience. My son went to Uni and became really obnoxious and knew everything. We had an amazing relationship before that. There is more to the situation but they do eventually grow up and mature, and begin to appreciate home a bit more.

All totally normal unfortunately!

I had this frm my DS. He lived away from 'home' for ten years because it was so boring. I never thought he'd come back, but he did and is happy and settled. You just have to go with the flow I'm afraid.

My Mum was always a pushover so I always disrespected her. Now I know I’d be heartbroken if one day my daughter was as dismissive and rude to me as I was to my mum (and, to be honest, as my brother still is). In a mad sort of way I think I kind of resented her for not setting boundaries and insisting on respect. It made me dislike myself because I wasn’t a nicer, kinder person to my mum. Now I’m older and she’s in her 70’d I realise I have to treasure every Christmas I get to have with her, as they are finite.

What I’m saying is, I think your daughter would benefit from a gentle but firm conversation about how she’s treating you.

That.

Natural Consequences: if you keep making rude comments, I might not want to buy pesto. Or giving you lifts.

Unfortunately this can be quite normal she’s discovered there’s a big world out there.
She will work out that not everything others tell her is necessarily 100% true.

Who is funding here elegant, urbane and cultured university lifestyle?

She's tasted freedom and now her home is like a prison.

Don't take it personally OP.

I didn't communicate with mine for six months when she was at Uni. She became so stroppy , ungrateful and thoughtless that I felt a period of silence would be good for me sanity , no phone calls , emails , messages , cards. She made it clear that her father was great (he traded me in for a newer model around that time) and thought I was to blame for the split . My mother was unwell , she didn't bother to keep in touch with her. I tried but finally had enough so silence it was. We eventually got through it and are now okay. It will pass but stand your ground and don't be a doormat

I look at this in a different way, as we’ve had a similar experience years ago. Is your daughter a 1st year at uni? An only child? It’s a massive leap moving from home and gaining your independence in such a short time. Learning to live with others often in a very competitive environment is a rapid learning curve. Young adults from all walks of life thrown together, perhaps a new boyfriend she is missing? If I could turn the clock back, instead of being hurt and offended I would definitely give them space and allow them to air their likes and dislikes. You could use this as a conversation starter, why do you prefer that bacon, is it nitrate free, is it smoked/unsmoked, would I like it, i will look out for it but perhaps it’s not stocked in your store etc. it’s all part of going from girl to woman who probably had never cared less about what bacon she ate before uni! Don’t let all your hardwork raising a strong loving daughter shatter you, it really is just another phase. Try the more of a friend approach rather than a dominating mother approach and you see things will loosen up. Most graduates aim to secure a graduate scheme job in the City living with others, so you may be on the rundown to life ever returning as it used to be - enjoy what’s left! Mine are all living and working in Central London as fully qualified professionals and we can now giggle about that “funny phase” they went through!

I am so ashamed to admit that I was like this and not even a teenager. Came home at Xmas time and acted like I was still abroad, going out when I wanted, coming in after drinking and maybe lying around . Then criticised the heating in the house , the stuff on TV, food in the fridge, being asked to visit boring old people, etc . A complete arsehole . Luckily I was able to redeem myself when I realised what a horror I was . My parents were still around when I had my kids and being involved together was apparently a joy to them as I involved them in everything. And I was in a small way able to repay them by helping them as much as could when they got older.
Don't despair, she will come back to you and hopefully behave like a normal kind daughter !

Been through this myself. Most of daughters friends parents said the same I recall. It was the novelty of Uni life and the thrill of change, Honestly it wares off though. She’ll get overly used to it soon enough. Especially in the second year when work starts piling up and they’re not in halls anymore and fending for themselves. They are much more appreciative of time spent back home then. It’s just a ‘right of passage’ thing Op. Don’t worry. It’s not forever. If I were you I’d have a secret snigger at the rude awakening she’s going to get eventually. She’ll be embarrassed at what a brat she was being when she looks back. Don’t resent and criticise it though, its not personal- it’s just a mark of how impressionable and naïve she still is.

Watch Rik on the Young Ones. It's kind of what they're supposed to do, annoying as that is. She'll come out the other end ok, I bet.