Daughter back from University - she’s all tuts and eye rolls :-(

[TheBramley]

I missed her so bloody much and was so excited to see her. I’m finding this so hard. I think I missed her less when she wasn’t here. Our home town is crap apparently and she can’t wait to get away forever and can’t understand why we ever put up with it. She’s been home since Friday and I’ve just been told I don’t buy the right bacon or pesto and the hot water tap temperature isn’t good enough - other than that she’s in her room talking to friends or asking for lifts at mad times. Bit sad. ☹️

She obviously feels safe to be bratty with you.
Exactly this! as a parent you want this relationship. Being all ‘My way or the highway’ isn’t a path to close or honest family relationships. You can be open about how this attitude makes you feel instead of trying to pull rank for its own sake. The DC will still be thinking these tings even if you make it clear they can’t voice them to you. Better to try to talk about it.

Yep, deffo depends on the course. My DS did Physics and it was full-on from the start. Plus everyone else on his course was geeky and really absorbed in the subject, never went out etc. Whereas my DS liked to socialise, had to work, had a gf, cooked properly rather than relying on takeaways etc. It was a lot.

My dd isn’t home yet, she comes tomorrow, but this thread reminded me of when she got back from gap year travels earlier this year.
I was really excited to show her a Victorian painting we had bought of a fisherman and his family, but she heard learnt while travelling about the shallowness of material possessions and was very disapproving of me for spending money on something so unimportant.
Otoh I was disappointed but it was also the funniest thing ever. 😂

I miss ds1 so badly, but when he comes home I can only tolerate him for a week or so, because he then becomes quite annoying. I have to have calm but firm words that he's getting a bit cocky and disrespectful - and that my Parmesan was good enough to go on his favourite spaghetti and meatballs for the first 18 years of his life!

Haha! I travelled for two years in early 20s. I had very little money, so really had to rough it. And was blown away by the generosity and kindness of families living on just a few dollars a day. When I got home, my mum’s friends and workmates (most of whom I’d never met) had given me ‘welcome home’ cards. I remember saying what a shocking waste of money it was buying cards when people had to work so hard just to feed their kids where I’d come from. All relative, I guess.

Wow I can really imagine that, from both sides.

I have to slightly disagree that behaviour is not 'a natural stage'. I have had two girls, very close in age. One went through this stage, the other was just so easy to parent. I treated them both the same. They both had help with money and things like discussing their assignments. Both were allowed boyfriends to stay overnight. I did stipulate that I did not want them to return with a suitcase full of dirty washing because I felt that was disrespectful. They obliged.

So one made it hard work, one was easy; both were natural stages. They are both now in their 30s and great company. So hang in there. Some boundaries should be enforced. I have not had time to read through the whole thread, but is there another parent in the picture who could remind her when she is crossing the line?

My student DS can be a bit like this. Ironically he moans that my flat is cluttered - he’s not wrong and I’d love to do a full declutter, but it’s very hard to find time to tackle it and he’s messy himself and won’t throw his own old stuff away.

I agree being patient and trying to keep communicating and encouraging them to talk is good, as they may be stressed or have worries that are contributing to them being grumpy. I try to get my teens chatting about what interests or preoccupies them as a way to get on better and feel connected.

But that can co-exist with having boundaries and not standing for rudeness. If I’m criticised over food, or my younger teen’s favourite moan, blaming me for not washing stuff she hasn’t put in the wash or not magically washing everything instantly, I do say well no one’s stopping you doing your own washing or popping to the shop. Asking me nicely, please can you get x brand of whatever next time you’re at the shops, yes I’ll do that. Moaning that I bought shit pesto, the response would be “the shop’s that way.”

I don't think it is right that she is rude to you or she demands a lift. However, she has probably being exposed to a different way of life. I think does expand your horizons including taste buds.

She's had her first taste of independence and freedom, living the life with people her own age, eating and drinking whatever &!whenever she wants. Then home to a relatively boring existence with rules & being told what to eat etc. I was like your DD when I came home from uni, as were my own DC. What you describe is perfectly normal, if unacceptable and disappointing.

She doesn't like your bacon and pesto? Tell her to go to the shops and buy whichever one she wants, even if it's a long walk or a bus ride. But ask her to help with the next week's meal plan & shopping list.

Doesn't like her home town? Tell her she's free to go back to uni early.

She tuts and eye rolls? Ignore. And keep ignoring her until she starts a pleasant conversation.

She needs a lift - fine but she does a job for you first.

She's an adult now but even adults have to be respectful towards others, especially in their own home.

It's well known that children need rules, even unpopular ones, to feel secure and I don't think that is any different for young adults.

Try to find something nice you can do together, go for lunch, a coffee or a drink. When you have a lovely conversation, tell her how much you enjoyed it and how much you missed her.

If it's any consolation, she probably missed you terribly but is never going to admit it.
Bear with it, in my experience it gets better in subsequent holidays

Another thing to support talking about this openly- this may not just be about coming home to the family home (or homes if the DC parents aren’t together.) When I got back from uni I found some of my peers who had done the same had come back with eating disorders, social affectations of their own that meant my face no longer fit, or had huge struggles with their parents going on that I didn’t know how to help them with. There may be more going on here.

You sound really nice. I agree with the principle but I'm not sure I have that patience.

Op have you tried asking if she wants to go somewhere together for a coffee, maybe the nearest city out of your boring little town? If they say no I'd just say no problem, let me know if you want to another time.

Apart from that if she's rude I'd probably have to say first are you ok, you're acting really passive agreesive with the eye rolling. If they just carried on I think I'd say look I find it difficult when you're rude to me, if you want x just let me know. Then I'd walk off and leave them to it.

It must be tough when you've looked forward to seeing them but it sounds like they're just so wrapped up in their uni friends stuff right now. I agree it won't be forever.

She sounds like a hormonal, excited young adult who is overwhelmed by the buzz of university life

Brilliant post

Totally normal in my experience. If you get really upset let her see that. It’s thoughtlessness not spite that makes them like that. She still loves you.

I would tell her to buy her own food if she has an issue with what I'm buying. And if she keeps being such a pain I'd let her know she is welcome to go back to University if all she is going to do is complain. Sorry, OP. It must be hard missing someone who is with you. x

It's interesting, OP, that your perspective has changed a bit as the conversation on this thread has developed. First it sounded as though DD was being horribly rude about the town you live in, and your cooking and you yourself. Now it sounds more as if she's missing the buzz of being with young people in a place full of opportunities to socialise, and finding home a bit boring, and not trying to hide it. So she stays in her room contacting her friends on social media or has a laugh with her sister - another young person.
So, more that she's being distant with you rather than rude, and doesn't want to do all the old things with you. My guess is that she's feeling that she has outgrown the local Pizza Express and local shops and can't see the point of talking to anyone over 25! This will change, but meanwhile is not much fun for you. I wouldn't put any pressure on her or tell her it's making you miserable, because seeming 'needy' is not a good look. Hang on in there, OP!

Also a thing I wish my parents had said to me: that in future as a student I might get a job in my uni town over the summer and work and live up there with friends and that they’d be happy for me if I were to do that, if I’m having fun. I got the opposite messages about needing to come home to do emotional caretaking.

Not saying for a second you’re doing that OP. Maybe your DD would be reassured hearing from you that you expect that you might not have that many holidays together in future and so you want to do a few mutually fun things together with her over this time. Something along those lines might help her see that you do see her as an adult who’s already on her way. Plus that your door is always going to be open to her. Best of all worlds.

hi all - I’ve only just had a second to come back to this this morning and golly there is a lot to read - I will go through everything in my lunch break!

Just to clarify, she’s being withering rather than outright unpleasant. She can’t see the point of doing anything with the family, isn’t spending time in the living room or kitchen and thinks the idea of a potter around town was met with a curled upper lip and ‘nah thanks mum’. If she is to see her local friends she needs lifts - the last bus home here is at 7pm, so she was hoping I’d ferry her to and from various locations on multiple days this week. She also wants a lift home New Year’s Eve/ Day after a rurally located party. I’m in two minds about that.

Shes not being awful, just acting like being here is rather a drag. She opened the fully stocked fridge and idly moaned about various stuff - I didn’t put up with that. She’s already said she’s not coming home at all for the summer because she’d “die of boredom here” because it’s all so “run down and scruffy”. The town she is in is full of big industry investment- ours got a lot of grants from the EU to restore things when that was still a thing.

I’ll Make sure to read everything at lunch. Thanks all 🙂

She must have brilliant uni halls and a great weekly allowance if she's moaning about home and bacon/pesto. Mine couldn't believe the full fridge and clean shower, warm house when she returned. And the fact she didn't have to think about meals.

It's a phase OP, she'll be better at Easter.

Yeah I remember this feeling too. I was probably insufferable (I remember calling my Telegraph reading Dad a fascist) but the simple truth was I didn't want to hang out with my Mum. I had all these new friends and a boyfriend and I just wanted to message them and hang on to my exciting new world not having DM drip around talking about her feelings. I feel really bad about it now and wish I'd been different. She clearly missed me and wanted to bond and I just found it annoying because I was young and a twit.

Also the flip side of this is that it sounds like she loves uni and has found her people so that's a huge relief.

I don’t agree with this- she is old enough to be at uni, definitely old enough for some manners. Being someone’s ‘rock’ isn’t the same as being someone’s emotional punch bag.

Always be there, that goes without saying, but it’s ok to point out that rudeness doesn’t get you unlimited lifts. Pandering to adult children is not the answer.

I'm guessing - putting amateur psychology to work that being away has made her feel grown up and independent and coming home is making her feel like a child again. I can imagine that's completely normal and just another stage. Not that being rude is acceptable or that you've done anything wrong at all. It's just another point on the road to having a different type of relationship as children grow into adults.

I went to uni myself - I bet most of us on MumsNet did. And I work with a pretty well-informed and well-educated cosmopolitan lot. The idea we are all parochial and small-minded because we are middle aged is amusing! It’s more that the youngsters themselves are desperately trying to conform but to new, different standards. Their minds are no more open! Just trying to establish themselves, I suppose.