Daughter back from University - she’s all tuts and eye rolls :-(

[TheBramley]

I missed her so bloody much and was so excited to see her. I’m finding this so hard. I think I missed her less when she wasn’t here. Our home town is crap apparently and she can’t wait to get away forever and can’t understand why we ever put up with it. She’s been home since Friday and I’ve just been told I don’t buy the right bacon or pesto and the hot water tap temperature isn’t good enough - other than that she’s in her room talking to friends or asking for lifts at mad times. Bit sad. ☹️

This is good advice.

@TheBramley I feel for you. My young adult kids rarely want to do things with me and we live in a city.

It’s important to communicate and let her know how you feel. So, I suggest you tell her how much you’ve been looking forward to her coming home to do things together. After Xmas, maybe you could take her for lunch somewhere special. Is there a nice cafe in a country park or garden centre, where you could have a walk together beforehand? She may be struggling and all the tutting is a bit of bravado. You have to give them opportunities to confide in you and I find walks can be good, as you’re side-by-side rather than face-to-face and there are few distractions. Or maybe treat yourselves to a pedicure or something together.

But don’t give up. However much she may feel she’s the returning sophisticate, inside she’s still your little girl, who I’m sure secretly enjoys the comfort of her mum and familiar childhood home. She’ll prob look back in a few years and say what a pain in the arse she was when she first went to uni.

A university aged child shouldn’t be so rude to their parent! Tell her what for!

This is so horrible.

Also horrible.

My dd and I struggled with the transition the first few visits home. She was use to being a'grown up' and I was use to her following my lead. I had to adjust my expectations whilst still expecting basic politeness. It did settle down. I'd keep asking her to do stuff - cinema or lunch maybe? But don't take rejection personally

Yeah you're right she should commit her life to someone who doesn't even like her

Agreed.

Fully aware I'll get a lot of crap for this response, but I truly feel this thread is showing us the reason for the decline of Western parenting. Endless overanalysing and mental gymnastics - "oh their brains don't form until they're 25/they're trying on different personas/you need to be her rock" - FFS, the DC we're referring to here are going to university, most probably on their parents' dime, and have had a cushy first term with basically no academic pressure to speak of. The time for this sort of behaviour was probably secondary school. There is truly no end to 'adolescence' anymore is there?

To be clear, I'm not condoning blowing up at your kids or reacting with aggression. But clearly some reminders are needed that at the very least, you owe some gratitude to the parents who have raised, are housing you, and are allowing you to sail through university with financial comfort. Giving your mum a hug and a kind word isn't some sort of Herculean task.

It's a difficult one & hurtful. I would step back & only engage her in conversation when she speaks to you but still smile & be pleasant on the passing. If she complains I'd say I'm sorry you feel like that then move on. She will eventually realise her behaviour has very little effect on you & hopefully she will change her attitude.

If mine had "gone crazy" when they went to uni (one went away, the other lived at home) they would have got extremely short shrift. However, they did have their own cars, and also we lived in London so plenty of public transport, so I didn't have to give them lifts etc. So maybe I was less put out in the first place.

Yeah this.

My hometown is Grantham though, so definitely crap. I couldn't wait to get away!

Very well said. I completely agree.

many of us did similar things with our own crusty boring parochial parents

who also went to university and lived overseas while students - who'd have thought us parochial parents also had lives before we had kids, eh?

That said OP, when I used to come home from university, my mum was insufferable and complained about everything - my hair, I was too fat, I was wearing the wrong clothes, blah blah. Then after about 3 days she'd got it out of her system and was fine for the rest of my time at home. So my question is, are you nagging her? Sometimes it's six of one and half a dozen of the other. But I wouldn't put up with rudeness either. My ds is ok but if he is rude or swears I always pull him up on it.

'the DC we're referring to here are going to university, most probably on their parents' dime, and have had a cushy first term with basically no academic pressure to speak of. The time for this sort of behaviour was probably secondary school. There is truly no end to 'adolescence' anymore is there? To be clear, I'm not condoning blowing up at your kids or reacting with aggression. But clearly some reminders are needed that at the very least, you owe some gratitude to the parents who have raised, are housing you, and are allowing you to sail through university with financial comfort. Giving your mum a hug and a kind word isn't some sort of Herculean task.'

This!

Omg she's only been to uni for 3 months this shouldn't be such an immensely hard transition, this rudeness isn't ok or normal she needs a harsh get a grip talking to. This sulky behaviour ends at school not a grown up at uni probably being financially supported by parents.

I'm sorry op this must he so hurtful but please be firm with her. 'I expect you to sit and engage with us not lock yourself away like a moody 14yr old'. Good luck.

I went to Uni in the 90s. My Mum thought smacking was good for kids.

I still came back from Uni like an insufferable know-it-all. It wore off.

Not sure people can blame this one on modern parenting.

It was what another OP said - partly to do with my Mum needing to readjust expectations too. Once you start living independently it's very difficult to adjust back to arbitrary rules - e.g being told what time to go to bed or hearing things like 'you'll be tired if you stay up late'. So, yes, much eye rolling.

Luckily my Mum didn't abandon me and send me back to uni.

Oh dear. I know it isn’t funny, but I did laugh at this as it brought back memories of my DD doing the same thing.

EVERYTHING IS SHIT!

The house, the furniture, the garden, the location. My car, my clothes, the towels, my food. The music I played and the TV I watched.

ALL SHIT 😂

It is hurtful but it is a phase. It’s her clumsy way of telling you she’s a separate entity with her own tastes and preferences and they differ from yours.

Imagine you have a protective plastic bubble around yourself, like a zorb type thing. All her barbs just bounce off and leave you undamaged.

Good boundaries are needed. Be warm but not always available. Ask her advice on something. Suggest she chooses a film for everyone to watch. It might help, might not, but you will know you tried.

Good luck!!

I@ILoveMooShu OP says her daughter hasn’t done anything bad. I’m sure she’s hugged her mum etc. It’s just she doesn’t want to do stuff with her and has complained about a few things.

And I don’t think having empathy and sensitivity and setting boundaries about how you expect to be treated are mutually exclusive. I agree with you that young people should respect their parents and vice versa. If they’re rude, it should be challenged.

But lots of young people do struggle at uni and find it hard to talk about. They can cover up mental health going downhill with bravado or by isolating themselves. I don’t want to worry OP, but it’s not uncommon for young women socialising at uni to be sexually assaulted, whether it’s being touched up in clubs or something worse. My DS told me of all of this.

He also told me that some people in his halls were a lot to deal with, getting so drunk they had to put them in the recovery position and even call ambulances. Having mental health crises about lack of money, when they had a lot of money in the bank, while my DS had to work in a nightclub to get by as I couldn’t send him money regularly as I’m a lone parent struggling with my own rent. But he understood it’s all relative and mental health problems don’t need a reason. Even if your own kid is coping OK, lots of other kids aren’t and it can be stressful to see and deal with.

@ILoveMooShu depending on the course and uni she may not have had an "academically cushy" first term at all.

But I agree with you re the time for this being secondary school. I think the problem is less adolescence lasting forever than parents doing too much/ managing too much for their kids in secondary, so the independence doesn't really get started till they leave home. Not a dig at OP just a general thought.

Isn't this a normal teenager coming back from the wild freedom of Freshers term??

I'd be glad they haven't picked up a drug habit and are still enrolled on the course.

TBH I hate this often-repeated idea on MN that it’s entirely normal and even expected, for teens to be rude and horrible.

Ours never were, and in the OP’s case, IMO anyone old enough to leave home for university ought to have learnt basic manners!

Such behaviour might well be more ‘normal’ in a 13 or 14 year old.

Really? How sad that some expect their adult kids to behave like sulky kids just because they've been at uni for a very brief period of time.
This, ime, is not the norm. Friends with kids same age all have similar experience to me that yes they bring their washing home and eat anything they can get their hands on but mood and behaviour wise they are not tutting arseholes. Don't put up with it!

I agree with the PP who suggested sitting down and checking she is OK. Once you have done that I think humour is the way through this. She is being a little ridiculous, as she has discovered there is life outside her home town. Poke some gentle fun at it, don't take it seriously, or personally. Assuming she is basically a decent person, she will come round.

Having spent a lot of time with students I can confirm that they often go through an obnoxious stage. I remember when my own DDs were being difficult I asked a group of female students when I could expect my DDs to become civil again. They universally agreed that their own mothers were the most irritating people they had ever met, but they couldn’t understand why my DDs didn’t get on with me. So the answer is to swap daughters with someone else. It’s the Kevin and Perry effect.

I was ok as a teenager but awful as a 18-20yo. Gave zero shits, smoked weed, was so rude to my parents. They took it very well actually, just ignored me so we never fell out.

Try not to be sad, OP. I experienced exactly this with my own daughter who is an only child. Just carry on being 'mum', don't rise to any bait and try and keep things calm. She's going through the massive transition of teen to adult and it seems that part of that transition has to be distancing themselves from us as parents. It's shit being a mum - all that energy, love, commitment and input and it's spewed out and rejected when no longer needed - at least that's how it feels sometimes. But of course you are still needed - be there for her in the background. She'll come back to you eventually but in a changed relationship as two women of equal status.

Oh, this makes me sad, OP. Sometimes our children have no idea what they put us through, do they? (And rightly so, often…) I’m sure she’ll come through it eventually — I did! — but that doesn’t help you in the here and now, I know.