I don't want to live with my kids anymore

[PartTimeModel]

NC because I feel ashamed.

DD's are 17 & 13.
13yo is ND but functions pertty well.

Mornings have become hell. Nothing works to improve things.

I get shouted and screamed at:
for saying good moring
for waking them up if they sleep through their alarm.
for saying the time in the mornings;
for saying "leaving in 5 minutes";
for asking DD2 to turn her (many) bedroom lights off;
for asking if anyone would like me to make them breakfast;
for NOT asking if anyone would like breakfast;
for driving them to school at a pre agreed time;
for not driving them to school (Its walking distance).

last night DD1 sat me down and told me I'm a massive failure and I need to be following DD2 around in the morning "supporting" her to get ready for school.
This is the very same DD2 who basically tells me to fuck off if I check she is awake. Who responds to any word I might dare to utter with "STOP SHOUTING AT ME!" (I am not shouting).

I try to manage DD2's morings by ensuring she gets everythig ready the night before. When I check in with her asking if her bags are packed, uniform ready etc she says yes. she just lies. So the next morning half her school uniform has been left at ther fathers, her bag isn't ready etc and we are all caught up in her chaos.

It has turned into a stupidly hellish & stressful situation. To the extent I no longer want to live with them. I just want to get in my car and drive away but I can't as I have cats. I am at the point where I want to leave my children but not my cats.
Its so bloody awful.

Every morning.

I want them out of my house. This makes me feel sick though. This is taking a serious toll on my own mental health.

Since my children have been teens I have occassionally had troubles - with their behalvious triggering flashbacks to my own very troubled teenage years. I put myself in therapy for over a year and made good progress unpicking this. And here I am back again.

All I can think about is quitting my job, leaving my children and making everyone go away.

They can go an live with their dad. I feel like I've done enough and I'm not spending the next XX years starting every day in misery because of their shitty behaviour. Even the rare morings DD2 can get herslef ready and off to school we are all on eggshells constantly waiting for her to kick off.

I know this is all reactive and I'll probably calm down and feel better later but I am not having more mornings like this. The only solution I can think of is they move out.

What a horribly shit mother I am.

I don’t have teens yet so feel free to ignore me.

Sit them both down and explain, without shouting, that you have had it with mornings. From now on:

• breakfast (bread, butter, cereal, fruit, porridge - whatever is normal in your home) is available for them to help themselves to. Or not, if they’d rather.
• You’ll be happy to drive them if they are ready at 8.25. If not, they can sort themselves out. With uniform, without, whatever.

Would deal with lights etc separately.

Mine are 12 and 14 you have my sympathy.

I've removed the lights as she is incapable of turning them off.
She just has the big light now.

You have my sympathy OP, my DD is 12 and every morning is the same stupid routine. It's exhausting.

My mind boggles, considering she has been going to school for years you'd think she would know the routine but nope. Some mornings it can take 45 minutes for her to get out of bed

Sometimes I leave her to get on with it, I'll shout up once and then get on with my morning. If she's late or forgets something or whatever then she can deal with the consequences from school.

I reason to myself I am teaching her life skills, to be organised.

Sort yourself and your cats tomorrow and leave them to it xx

What are the consequences if she doesn't get ready in time? Does it impact you, do you give her lifts? Can she get to school under her own steam?

You're not a failure, but what you're doing now isn't working. Ask her what would work best for her. Is she struggling in school and using this morning palaver as a giant klaxon trying to say she's being bullied/anxious/stressed and trying to avoid going into school? Is she up late on her phone? (knock that one on the head asap) What can you drop as an expectation to getting ready in the morning? Can her small lights be on a timer function?

Just some ideas.

Do they behave better at their dad's house?

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP, it is a difficult situation.

I think it’s separate issues really with each child.

Your oldest sounds fed up of the kick offs or being on egg shells waiting for the kick off and I can’t blame her for that, if you are exhausted with it as an adult to the point of wanting to simply drive away then of course she is struggling with it too.

Your youngest I think you know your child best but there are things you can try. As another poster suggested you could go down the route of a sit down chat & set your boundaries, e.g. I’ll give a lift if ready by X, breakfast will be Y or Z, you need to be awake by X if not I will come in to wake you, bags/uniform need to be packed night before and if not then you’re not doing the mad dash in the morning so it will be going to school as is & natural consequences of that are theirs to face.

The only concern with that would be if she is ND she may struggle with that and a lot of her behaviour could stem from that so actually putting in place a routine- and boundaries- could be more helpful. I have a nephew who is ND and a niece who is not, my niece would cope fine with the “we’re leaving at this time, breakfast is in there, get yourself dressed and ready to go”, my nephew would really struggle with that, he struggles to manage time and plan ahead, he struggles with getting ready, the feel of his shirt or pants on a certain day can be upsetting for him which then has an impact on his timing etc so he does need more support. You know best what will work for your daughter but the current routine isn’t working so I do think it’s time to try something else.

Sorry your having a rough time of it. Hoping things get better.

Your not a shit mother your just emotionally exhausted at what seems like a tough situation!

Your 17 year old is being bloody cheeky. Who asked her to for parenting feedback? She can get herself sorted and stay out of the way.

Mornings are a pain for sure. For the younger one, get her bag ready for her. Make sure she is going to bed early enough and doesn’t have her phone over night. I know you shouldn’t have to do all this but it’s less shouting.

Is it the time of year? Are they completely knackered? My usually very reasonable teen told his little sister to fuck off this morning. He desperately needs the Christmas holiday and a break from school - I know he will turn back in to a human after a rest. Another thought, is the nd one demand avoidant? She sounds very like my dd and unfortunately difficult as it is, she needs a lot of scaffolding just to get out the door. She may be coping less well than you think and be overwhelmed by this point.

See I really disagree with this. OP is an adult & the parent and is so fed up and exhausted by this that she wants to drive away and leave them all. Her 17 year old is living through all of the same kick offs and treading egg shells waiting for a kick off- she’s allowed to be fed up too! You’re expecting more from a 17 year old than you are from the adult and parent.

I would automate the entire thing on Alexa and sit and have a coffee. Lights on/off, reminders, alarms etc.

Car leaves at x time, no discussions.

Put breakfast out on the table for them, then they can help themselves if they want or skip breakfast - up to them.

No more lifts to school - it's walking distance so they can get themselves out of the house and walk to school.

If you've got energy saving light bulbs they cost pennies to run, so drop that particular argument.

Basically just make things easier for yourself and leave more up to them! Sympathies though - grumpy teens are not fun.

I think you need to talk to them about it calmly and with as little blame as possible at a time when stress levels are lower, not in the morning itself. Tell them that it isn't working and you'd like their help to fix it before we all end up hating each other.

Ask them what time they think they need to get up and why they are finding it so hard (go to bed earlier, actually get ready the night before - make these things their ideas)?
Do they want breakfast?
Explain they can have a lift at x time only.
Ask what you think you should do if they don't get up, if they say "let us be late," then follow through.
What do they think is an appropriate punishment for swearing at their mum? Do they think it is acceptable?
What do they want you to do?

Then revisit it after a week, if they've been late for school change the plan, if they haven't got up, make bedtime earlier. Talk about changes you are all going to make until things are better.

We took the easy way out and started online school so we didn’t have to deal with the miserable mornings. Next year we’re dropping mainstream education altogether and beginning vocational training. It’s too difficult trying to fight about school all the time. If my kid changes their mind and decides they want to go to uni after all then it will be under their own steam.

thanks.

All of this has been done.

I think that is why I feel so hopeless. I've tried every which way. I've tried doing and not doing. I try cooking her eggs. What they both really want is for me to be invisible, but available to their erratic demands, and they can get fucked with that.

Mostly now I leave her to get on with it. But it still impacts my mornings as I can;'t do the things I need to do in the mornings for my own wellbeing (going for a walk or a swim for example) until DD2 has left the house.

DD2 can't be trusted with a house key as she just loses them. So I can't do anything out of the house until she is ready.

the 8am lift to school was the "solution" as it prompted her to get ready as she wanted a lift, and I would give a lift on the way to my swim. Now she is determined to destroy this "working" compromise.

I think sitting them down and clarifying the routine will help, then don’t ask them about anything else, demand avoidance issues might be at play here. Put down clearly consequences for abusive behaviour and implement that until they start treating you with respect.

I think working with it being very imperfect works very well with teens although I have noticed they often expect parents to be perfect but can sometimes have very low expectations of themselves given their own way. Don’t tolerate that. Lower their expectations of you and raise their expectations of themselves.

I have 3 teens, 2ND, we regularly get schooled on how to parent and how bad their lives are. They aren’t parented badly and they have good lives but fuck all perspective. They are getting there but it is all a journey. We have a good routine, give them a shit load of the stuff to do for themselves, making lunches, breakfast, putting laundry away, basically we don’t spoil them. We listen to them but don’t take their views as being the absolute truth but how they feel in that moment which changes like the weather or sometimes deeper issues that were what we called teenage angst in the past - that we have to consider and look into to see if we can help them through. We don’t take it personally and abusive behaviour is not remotely tolerated. Our teens are fabulous but parenting teens is bloody hard.

I am suprised how utterly exhausted I am.
I have nothing

The issue with this though is that while this would be a solution for most teens, it could be an absolute disaster for ND teens which OP’s child is.

thank you.

Most of the time I don't take it personally. But then I just feel like all my resources have gone and I am surprised to find I have absolutely nothing left.

Your oldest DD is sick of the atmosphere. Your youngest one is struggling with executive function and the stress of the impending school day. Not to mention the common sleep issues those who are ND often have either with getting to sleep or staying asleep. She might find a weighted blanket useful and then might be in a better mode if she's had a good nights sleep.

Youngest DD, you need to understand that just because she "functions pretty well" doesn't mean she can manage the seemingly simple things she's struggling with.

DD is autistic, academically very gifted the complex maths work and English analysis she can is is amazing and yet she can't cope with the very simplest of things when it comes to being organised and it completely boggles the mind.

I opt for an entirely low demand term time.
We body double and I will sit with her whilst she checks her uniform and bag not just relying the fact she's done it or, I will do it for her.

Breakfast and lunch I do for her and put in her bag.
She just has to get up, washed and dressed, if she doesn't have time for breakfast weve got a snack box in the car stocked with juice cartons and breakfast bars.

I tidy her room, make her bed and turn everything off for her during the week.

However at the weekend she is incharge of making us breakfast and lunch, often cooks dinner or a dessert.
At the weekend, and during school holidays she sorts her room out. She has the skills she needs to be a successful adult, but we develop those at times that are less stressful and remove the demands during stressful times.

To be fair, OP hasn't explained in what way her child is ND so we don't know that.

they make their own breakfasts - have done for years.

Accoridng to DD1 I always made her breakfast then she was 13 (I didn't) and if I focus on making DD2 breakfast every moring all problems will be solved.

Breakfast isn't the problem.

I do all of this and DD2 copes. She is fairly independent in many ways.

She is dyslexic & ADHD but usually "well functioning".

School is certainly more of a challenge for her than her sister, as are friendships, and the way she speaks to her mother.