I don't want to live with my kids anymore

[PartTimeModel]

NC because I feel ashamed.

DD's are 17 & 13.
13yo is ND but functions pertty well.

Mornings have become hell. Nothing works to improve things.

I get shouted and screamed at:
for saying good moring
for waking them up if they sleep through their alarm.
for saying the time in the mornings;
for saying "leaving in 5 minutes";
for asking DD2 to turn her (many) bedroom lights off;
for asking if anyone would like me to make them breakfast;
for NOT asking if anyone would like breakfast;
for driving them to school at a pre agreed time;
for not driving them to school (Its walking distance).

last night DD1 sat me down and told me I'm a massive failure and I need to be following DD2 around in the morning "supporting" her to get ready for school.
This is the very same DD2 who basically tells me to fuck off if I check she is awake. Who responds to any word I might dare to utter with "STOP SHOUTING AT ME!" (I am not shouting).

I try to manage DD2's morings by ensuring she gets everythig ready the night before. When I check in with her asking if her bags are packed, uniform ready etc she says yes. she just lies. So the next morning half her school uniform has been left at ther fathers, her bag isn't ready etc and we are all caught up in her chaos.

It has turned into a stupidly hellish & stressful situation. To the extent I no longer want to live with them. I just want to get in my car and drive away but I can't as I have cats. I am at the point where I want to leave my children but not my cats.
Its so bloody awful.

Every morning.

I want them out of my house. This makes me feel sick though. This is taking a serious toll on my own mental health.

Since my children have been teens I have occassionally had troubles - with their behalvious triggering flashbacks to my own very troubled teenage years. I put myself in therapy for over a year and made good progress unpicking this. And here I am back again.

All I can think about is quitting my job, leaving my children and making everyone go away.

They can go an live with their dad. I feel like I've done enough and I'm not spending the next XX years starting every day in misery because of their shitty behaviour. Even the rare morings DD2 can get herslef ready and off to school we are all on eggshells constantly waiting for her to kick off.

I know this is all reactive and I'll probably calm down and feel better later but I am not having more mornings like this. The only solution I can think of is they move out.

What a horribly shit mother I am.

I feel your pain op. I think I would be become less available.
If I think back to my own teenage time, I don't remember my parents being around, they were at work. So they just weren't involved. Not with dinner. Not with lifts. Not with even knowing what GCSEs I was doing. Etc.
it made for a much more harmonious atmosphere than my current house, and sounds like yours.
I think I've spoilt my eldest so now her expectations and lack of respect are staggering.
I had similar, but different, to you yesterday and today I have decided to pull back. I will be politely and calmly explaining that going forward I will be doing less for her.

Your eldest has an empathy problem. Some people will no doubt say it's because she's a teenager, but no, lots of teenagers aren't like that. She was a dick to you to say that.

"good morning" STOP SHOUTING AT ME she scream

Unless she's autistic as well, this is a manipulative, distraction tactic that many people use to get someone else to back down or be quiet. They attack your method of delivery to put you in a defensive, sub-ordinate position where you overly focus on something that's not wrong in any way. Not acceptable. Next time she says it, tell her you don't care.

I sympathise with you x

I think it was very brave and mature for your 17 year old to sit you down and express concerns about how you are parenting your 13 year old.

You have mentioned that this situation (feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope with the demands of parenthood) stems from your own terrible upbringing. You might not be in a place to take in what your DD is saying right now but it’s not the children’s fault and you can turn this around one tiny step at a time:

I really think the key is you just keep asking for as much help you can get from wherever you can get it. There are some really great courses run by the family hubs (formally called Sure Start) that help with SEN parenting. You would also get to meet parents in a similar situation for peer support.

If the father is a safe person to stay with, there is nothing wrong with sending them there more often while you deal with everything. If that’s an option.

It wasn't "brave and mature" of the 17 year old. She has no idea about parenting, and is in no position to be so judgemental. Fair enough if she initiated conversation about why there is so much conflict, or why the pair of them are yelling, but just negative criticism? She's either being deliberately unpleasant or she's very rude and arrogant.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

I am starting to feel better. Stronger at least.

I just want to say I am very glad I posted here. I do find it hard to ask for support and I'm pleased with myself I reached out to your wonderful women this morning. Your advice has been reassuring, illiminating, interesting and comforting. Thank you all.

I will be having very strong words with both DD's this evening.
I will not be driving DD2 to her dance lesson after school.

I will let DD2 know that if there is any more of this behaviour this week she will be at her fathers indefinately.

I will let DD2 know very clearly that shouting at me to stop shouting at her in the morning (when I am not) is OVER. I am clearly telling her this is abusive towards me and will not be tolerated.

DD2 will be told very clearly she needs to be out the door for school at 8am every day. She will be walking. Lifts to school are pretty much over & she needs to plan her morings accordingly.

DD1 will be told she can keep the parenting advice to herself. I know things are stressful for her too, but I am not to blame. She can and does stay at her dads alot (usually when he isn't there) - so in that sense she is the one who can escape.

Mornings in my house were hellish but then I started the 8.25 am rule. If they weren't in the car at 8.25am I drove off without them. I did actually do it a couple of times. After that there was no need. They were in the car. Admittedly often disheveled and breakfast less. They are breakfast in the car.

Both my DDs are like this in the morning. Can they stay at their dads a bit more? Give you a break? teenagers especially girls can be quite hurtful, I try like you to do everything for them but end up being told to fuck off or shut up! I couldn’t have described my morning in more detail than you’ve described yours!

Hit them where it hurts if they continue to disrespect you and your house.

No phones, iPads etc. No wifi passwords. Take away make up, hair straighter etc that they use. Stop pocket money.

Make it clear that all of these things are a luxury and not a given right and they can only have them when they’re treating you with respect.

You sound like a great mother... with awful daughters. Good luck with whatever you do.

That’s more like it OP! So going forward, instead of waking up anxious and ready for combat, just do your own thing, be there for them if they need you (obviously if they are asking/approaching you in a non abusive manner) and resist the urge to start interfering if it looks like they are going to be late etc.

We have put the apple tracker things on the kids key rings for peace of mind. I've put a big sign on the inside of the door - "Don't forget to lock the door" and we use a Ring doorbell camera to remotely check they've double locked the door on the way out. Granted not a lot of help to you if you're on a treadmill but at least you have either peace of mind or a reason to head home sharpish.

She's 13. She'd be a child bride in many parts of the world as I am fond of reminding my kids. She's old enough to get her shit together and suffer the consequences if she doesn't. I would simply remind her the night before that you're meeting X at the gym at 8am so the car is going 7.55, forecast is X. Up to her.

Do you have controls on her phone? I've put a start time of 8.30 on the phone so they can't get distracted by messages and other crap before they have to leave for school. They can still get messages from me :)

You have to take a step back for your own sanity. It takes practice though <facepalm> especially with a second child who is used to being mollycoddled more.

If her Dad takes no shit then I'd ask for a bit of teen respite. For DD1, simply tell her that you know she means well but she's not helping.

For context DD1 is dyslexic and has similar issues to your DD2 so I do completely recognise the challenges. Not the abusive behaviour though. We found DD1 was becoming completely feral with Youtube and the rest [no social media] and locked it down 2 yrs ago. It's like a different child. Same with her younger sister. They are given some access during the holidays but even they recognise that when they sit down for dinner they are actually quite different - argumentative, tearful, smart assed in an F You way. My husband's first response now is to ask if they've been on YouTube and since they know if they give him more cheek he'll a) check their usage and b) shut it back down; it usually winds everyone's necks back in.
I find it quite scary though how much their behaviour changes and so quickly with access to it. I'm going to watch the C4 documentary with them and we will possibly have a bit of a family detox over Christmas. I'm using my phone way too much and I'm always checking mail and teams on it, but then look at other stuff so I could definitely use a break while I have some holiday.

You are not a shitty mother for feeling like this. They’re being unreasonable, ungrateful and disrespectful. Tell them a few home truths (in a respectful appropriate way) pack their bags and ship them off to Dad. Just because your the mum doesn’t mean you have to do it all. You’ve done your fair share now he can do his. It doesn’t have to be forever and you never know they might develop a newfound appreciation for you. Keep all your statements I statements (I feel, I think etc) and frame the idea as something for them (for example, you’ve noticed that you get a lot of resistance and so feel like you might not be meeting their needs very effectively and you think it’s best for everyone if they live with their Dadas that might be better for them or what they need at this stage in their life. Explain it doesn’t have to be forever and you’ll still have the part time visitation schedule that their Dad would have had when they were living with you.

I am in a very similar position but my dd is older (16) I find the ONLY thing that works is total scaffolding term time. We do absolutely everything together to make sure it is done ( I don’t do it btw) I trust her to do things I know won’t matter if they are missed. Like the bed, or the curtains or the lights.

I focus on the priorities only. Try not to sweat the small stuff. If she messes up I reassure her immediately, next time she will get it right - and remind her everyone makes mistakes.

She can’t do it op, she is having meltdowns because it is embarrassing , humiliating and impossible. I think empathy would make the world of difference. ‘ It must be frustrating to forget your x, y and z’ etc

If she swears walk away and tell her you won’t be spoken to like that. Let her calm down and explain it hurts your feelings when she is rude.

Nothing about any of this is easy, it’s draining in a way most people can’t even imagine. I often wonder how I get through the day sometimes. It is wonderful that you are prioritising your self care - and play classical music in the morning or jolly pop songs. Keep the atmosphere as light as you can.

We do most of our life skills practice in the holidays when we have time. One day things will be easier 🙏🏻

sorry you are going through this also - hopefully you can find some good advice here too

I have done all this in the past - it has zero impact on DD2. She will come in from school today & I guarantee you the first things she will do, without being asked, is hand her phone over.

Any punishment or removal of priviledges she takes in her stride. Even when very young she was like this.

All the nice lighting she can't turn off has left her room today.

My older Dd is 18 now, she has calmed down a bit so although she can be unpleasant in the morning she will say sorry later and that she appreciates how much I do. Sometimes she will correct dd2 and make her say please, thank you or sorry. 2 years ago dd2 was an angel and dd1 was awful. I find it hard to be strict with them as sometimes they will Judy ridicule me together. Plus I am tiny and don’t want to wrestle them for their phones. Will keep following but rest assured you are not a shit mum, you do too much for them - think it’s more harmful that we do tbh so need to break the cycle x

I think it's time dad stepped up and took his turn, or at least goes 50/50. Why isn't he helping?

Don't know if anyone has said this but this is called "shitting the nest"
There is not a lot you can do about them being annoyed with you all the time, biologically they are supposed to do this.
What you can do as pp's have said is let them get themselves ready and out the door. A 13 and a 17 year old can both get breakfast sorted for themselves. You will find that giving them some responsibility now will help them in the long run.

He works away a bit so its not as simple as dropping them off with a bin bag of belongings each (my fantasty this morning).

But he's on notice that more time at his place is required.

No teens so no advice but i like the Yale lock suggestion and just leaving them to it, ignore them until after school when hopefully they are in a better mood!
Eldest wants to step up and help if it bothers her that much rather than criticise you.

I've not heard that term before.

I can deal with them being annoying.

What this thread has helped me identify that it is when they get abusive/shouting etc (esp DD2) I find that hugely triggering. Not a fan of that word but it is accurate. When I am shouted at like that I get sent straight back to my own very dysfuctional childhood home. I tried very very hard to build a family life a million miles from the one I experienced. I feel very fragile/unresiliant when they are abusive/shouty/rude to me over what feels like nothing at all. And I am taken back to times when I was very upset over actual neglect and abuse, and DD2 is upset over me saying good morning - that somehow takes all the wind out of my sails & makes me feel like being physically ill and fragile.

Once you've done all that, can you take yourself off somewhere for an hour or two?

Have only read OP’s posts but wanted to chime in that you are a good parent. And maybe now it is time for the other parent to step up a considerable amount.

Yes, they should move to their dad’s and visit you at arranged times to start with.

No good with a burnt out Mum!

You mention your dd2 is ND.
How is that impacting her?

Im not looking for excuses there at all. Her behaviour is not on.
Im just wondering if another angle to approach thing might work better fir her because of ND iyswim

What they both really want is for me to be invisible, but available to their erratic demands, and they can get fucked with that.

Your whole post resonates with me but especially this. DS14 would love me not to interact with him at all but still provide everything he needs. It is really upsetting. Like you, I had a childhood which I think makes me particularly sensitive to these angry outbursts and I also suspect ADHD (but of course he refuses any assessment). I work partly from home and partly from the office and these terrible mornings have really impacted my productivity which is adding to the stress. My DS also cannot be trusted with keys - he has lost them, dropped them down a drain and also left the front door wide open before. I am in no position to offer advice but lots and lots of sympathy!