I don't want to live with my kids anymore

[PartTimeModel]

NC because I feel ashamed.

DD's are 17 & 13.
13yo is ND but functions pertty well.

Mornings have become hell. Nothing works to improve things.

I get shouted and screamed at:
for saying good moring
for waking them up if they sleep through their alarm.
for saying the time in the mornings;
for saying "leaving in 5 minutes";
for asking DD2 to turn her (many) bedroom lights off;
for asking if anyone would like me to make them breakfast;
for NOT asking if anyone would like breakfast;
for driving them to school at a pre agreed time;
for not driving them to school (Its walking distance).

last night DD1 sat me down and told me I'm a massive failure and I need to be following DD2 around in the morning "supporting" her to get ready for school.
This is the very same DD2 who basically tells me to fuck off if I check she is awake. Who responds to any word I might dare to utter with "STOP SHOUTING AT ME!" (I am not shouting).

I try to manage DD2's morings by ensuring she gets everythig ready the night before. When I check in with her asking if her bags are packed, uniform ready etc she says yes. she just lies. So the next morning half her school uniform has been left at ther fathers, her bag isn't ready etc and we are all caught up in her chaos.

It has turned into a stupidly hellish & stressful situation. To the extent I no longer want to live with them. I just want to get in my car and drive away but I can't as I have cats. I am at the point where I want to leave my children but not my cats.
Its so bloody awful.

Every morning.

I want them out of my house. This makes me feel sick though. This is taking a serious toll on my own mental health.

Since my children have been teens I have occassionally had troubles - with their behalvious triggering flashbacks to my own very troubled teenage years. I put myself in therapy for over a year and made good progress unpicking this. And here I am back again.

All I can think about is quitting my job, leaving my children and making everyone go away.

They can go an live with their dad. I feel like I've done enough and I'm not spending the next XX years starting every day in misery because of their shitty behaviour. Even the rare morings DD2 can get herslef ready and off to school we are all on eggshells constantly waiting for her to kick off.

I know this is all reactive and I'll probably calm down and feel better later but I am not having more mornings like this. The only solution I can think of is they move out.

What a horribly shit mother I am.

so this morning went well.
DD1 was at her Dads.
DD2 got up a bit late, I gave her a "good morning" and she replied "good moring mummy" <faints>.
She pulled everything together, and got up and out the door in a civilised manner.
No drama.
Long may it last.

I got to meet my friend on the beach for a swim this moring - which keeps me on the sunny side. Though the water is getting so bloody cold now I question my sanity. Due in part to DD2's various shennanagins I've not swum for a week and have lost my acclimatisation (this happens in about a week). It comes back after 3 successive swims so I'll be sorted & back in form by the weekend.

This is really nice to read @PartTimeModel

@trivialMorning Oestrogel and Ultrogestan are bio-identical (and I think testosterone is too if you need that).

It's not the same as taking contraceptives. With HRT, you top up your existing hormones to a level you need. With the pill and similar, you take hormones at such a massive dose that it makes you infertile!

I stopped taking the pill when I was 19 when I became anorgasmic and developed zero libido. Coming off the pill totally fixed it in about 8 months - 1 year. It was only recently a gynaecologist said that if you take the pill for long enough, women can experience the beginnings of vaginal atrophy too (which I did as well). NO ONE told me that when I first discussed it with the GP.

I never went on hormonal contraception after that, but it was me who was driving full HRT use, including testosterone (in only my mid-30s after the Pfizer vaccine fucked me up).

@EarthSight thanks -that interesting.

I know I need to read up more about HRT probably now while I'm still okay - though still expect a fight because everything else is with this GP.

@PartTimeModel glad you has a better morning - hopefully start of a new pattern.

@trivialMorning I'd change GP if you have more than one at the surgery, and if you have any issues or if they make you feel like you've asked for radioactive material by asking for HRT in future, insist on being referred to a gynaecologist. Some of them don't seem to be confident with HRT either (and are more at home with diagnosing physical ailments and childbirth), but they might be less afraid of it than a GP. Always handy to read and check the British Menopause Society material so you're educated in advance.

@PartTimeModel
That's great news, sounds like it's a promising start, hope those mornings continue.
@trivialMorning
Try another GP, or ask to be referred to a menopause specialist. I also highly recommend the Virtual NHS GP online service.

@PartTimeModel "the pain of their contempt" - this really hit home. I think I really struggle with this. Sometimes when things kick off any resiliance and/or strenght I ahve just dissolves. And all I can think of doing is running away.

I see you have made the connection already, but this is a classic sign of flashback/trauma (and complex PTSD is associated with abusive childhood, as is developmental trauma). I also believe that CPTSD can present as episodes of anxiety and depression. Anyway. I’m glad you’ve spotted it! Recently I found that when I get this, it helps if I actually do walk/run/fight so I go for a big stomp with the dog, or to a boxing gym or something. I too find yoga really helpful to regulate me, and I recently learned about yoga therapy- this might be something for you to look into (cautiously, as it’s not regulated so you need to be mindful of checking people’s qualifications and training, especially as you need someone equipped to work with trauma).

Anyway I’m really glad you made progress with your dd and I hope it lasts. Wishing you a peaceful Christmas and 2025.

Hi, I don't know if it's helpful, but me and my sister were very troubled as teenagers and didn't have the best relationship with our mother as teenagers. It was a bit more of a nuanced situation than yours seems to be (we could be cruel to our mother; our mother could be very controlling and abusive of us). However, our family had recently gone through a divorce as yours seems to have done, and we were really messed up. There were a number of reasons for our behaviour, and only a few were actually about our mother. For me, I had been recently seriously sexually assaulted but didn't know how to tell her, so reacted in bad ways instead. Furthermore, our father had been really abusive, so I was dealing with that. For my sister, she was really really struggling with the divorce and was suicidal.

We are both now incredibly incredibly close with our mother. We all really love each other - I'm currently home right now (22 yo, home from uni for the holiday) and feel so happy to be with my mum, we just spent last night cooking dinner together and watching a movie, and today we just went for a walk and chatted. I love spending time with her, we speak to each other respectfully. When we argue, we make sure to never swear/insult each other, and try to keep respectful.

The way that we changed our relationship was through a number of ways.

1. Family therapy. We actually couldn't access this (expensive), but my mother tried to implement a similar thing in a number of ways.
2. she sat me and my sister down, and said she really and truly wanted to hear what was going on in our lives. What was upsetting us, what was hurting us, if there was any way we thought she could help us. She really framed it in a kind way, as something she really wanted to know - she wasn't angry at our behaviour, she was upset, not only because it hurt her, but because she could see we were in pain. In particular, if any of her behaviours were hurting us, which gave us an opportunity to speak to her about her controlling behaviour. She then took active steps to try to make her behaviour better.
3. she then told us what was going on in HER life. Not in a guilt-trippy, you're such terrible daughters way, but in a genuine way. It sounds so stupid, but hearing your mother say, 'it really and truly hurts me so much when you're unkind to me', 'I'm trying hard to make money to support this family, and it's difficult since your father left, so I frequently feel exhausted' really gets you. It's so stupid, but I genuinely didn't realise she was going through this stuff - that like me she was human - until we talked about it.
4. obviously, family therapy if you can afford it is better, but this might be a step? We didn't do only one of these family meetings - we actually did them pretty regularly.
5. my mum also took parenting classes. She said they really helped her, not only because they gave her constructive techniques through which to manage our behaviour, but because there were a number of parents there who were really really struggling and it made her feel so much less alone.

I really hope things get better for you and your kids. If things got better for my family, they can get better for yours.

thank you.

I've had lots of therapy over the years and I am mostly pretty stable & happy now.

But three times now something through parenting/kids kicking off has triggered episodes like this in me - I get flooded & overwhelmed with escape/flee NOW vibes. Its extraordinary to experience.

Last time this happened I went back to therapy to explore it - it is so shocking when it happens.

I've never thought about it being CPTSD & that has never come up in my therapy, but it makes sense.

@theallotmentqueen thnk you for sharing your personal story. This is all really useful to me.

I never healed the traumatic relationship with my Mum. I just walked away. I did eventually feel compassion & forgiveness for her, but by then our relationship was pretty damaged. It was useful to me in letting go of anger & moving on, but we've not had much of a relationship - its very distant & superficial.

Part of my horror is that my girls might feel about me the way I feel about my mum & I really dont want that. Of course our circumstances are very different, but still I find it hard to be open & honest. I do it, but its not easy.

Your points are very helpful and I will re read them before I sit down to have a chat with the girls (probably tonight - DD1 is still at her Dads).