I don't want to live with my kids anymore

[PartTimeModel]

NC because I feel ashamed.

DD's are 17 & 13.
13yo is ND but functions pertty well.

Mornings have become hell. Nothing works to improve things.

I get shouted and screamed at:
for saying good moring
for waking them up if they sleep through their alarm.
for saying the time in the mornings;
for saying "leaving in 5 minutes";
for asking DD2 to turn her (many) bedroom lights off;
for asking if anyone would like me to make them breakfast;
for NOT asking if anyone would like breakfast;
for driving them to school at a pre agreed time;
for not driving them to school (Its walking distance).

last night DD1 sat me down and told me I'm a massive failure and I need to be following DD2 around in the morning "supporting" her to get ready for school.
This is the very same DD2 who basically tells me to fuck off if I check she is awake. Who responds to any word I might dare to utter with "STOP SHOUTING AT ME!" (I am not shouting).

I try to manage DD2's morings by ensuring she gets everythig ready the night before. When I check in with her asking if her bags are packed, uniform ready etc she says yes. she just lies. So the next morning half her school uniform has been left at ther fathers, her bag isn't ready etc and we are all caught up in her chaos.

It has turned into a stupidly hellish & stressful situation. To the extent I no longer want to live with them. I just want to get in my car and drive away but I can't as I have cats. I am at the point where I want to leave my children but not my cats.
Its so bloody awful.

Every morning.

I want them out of my house. This makes me feel sick though. This is taking a serious toll on my own mental health.

Since my children have been teens I have occassionally had troubles - with their behalvious triggering flashbacks to my own very troubled teenage years. I put myself in therapy for over a year and made good progress unpicking this. And here I am back again.

All I can think about is quitting my job, leaving my children and making everyone go away.

They can go an live with their dad. I feel like I've done enough and I'm not spending the next XX years starting every day in misery because of their shitty behaviour. Even the rare morings DD2 can get herslef ready and off to school we are all on eggshells constantly waiting for her to kick off.

I know this is all reactive and I'll probably calm down and feel better later but I am not having more mornings like this. The only solution I can think of is they move out.

What a horribly shit mother I am.

She is dyslexic & ADHD but usually "well functioning".

DD 19 has all these but at 13 was getting herself ready - as were younger siblings. We were scaffolding this in primary though - printed out laminate check lists - verbal checks growing up with count downs. I was most worried about DS 17 when he started college with really early bus starts but he manages well. I

A PP mentioned Alexa alarms and set times for driving off - that could help - or her using her phone alarms - if she can't wake to alarms - then try the light waking ones see if they help.

But would be sitting them down and making it very clear while you still help it's on DD2 to think and put in places systems to make the mornings manageable - see need to work out what she needs and old enough to have that responsibility and while it may be harder for her making odd mistake is fine she still needs to try.

I'd tell the 17 her rewriting of history and her encouragement to her sister in learnt helpless and absolving her sister of perfectly reasonable expectations is a huge part of the problem and making the atmosphere bad for everyone - so she needs to stop.

Then sit down and come up with a morning plan together that you then expect them to follow. This is a child that need more practise to get themselves ready - so they can at later ages get themselves out the door on time - now is the time she needs to learn and think things though.

It can be quite isolating, but I have things in place I like to do that have a social element like swimming/yoga etc. So I do like WFH.

But my own strategies rely on the DD's getting off to school on time.

So this behaviour has ongoing impact on my whole day - today for example I couldn't meet my friends for a chat/coffee/swim before work. This is really important to me.

This is just awful. WTF? Get their father to take them over Christmas.

Also see a different doctor, a female one, I wouldn't be functioning at all without HRT!

Firstly, that level of verbal abuse and disrespect is unacceptable. Teenagers, even those who are ND, can understand this. They should not be treating you like this. Your elder DD cannot judge your parenting skills, that's not within her purview.
It's tough. When either starts to be rude, arrogant or verbally abusive say very clearly "no", and walk away. You're not a punch bag. Reiterate that you're their mother and you're a human being.
You can try not engaging with the morning routine for a few days and see what happens.

The "stop shouting at me" thing seems common in youngsters these days. Also "you're using a tone" (while shouting and using a tone themselves)

I did record a few conversations (to reassure myself I was talking normally) and it didn't sound as though I was shouting. I did have an annoyed "tone" on 2nd and subsequent times of reminding them. So. I said things once only. And let natural consequences take care of the rest.

Just to clarify DD2 is perfectly capable of getting herself up, dressed, breakfasted etc and ready for school.

She has her list of things to do after school - she wrote it. Things she need to do to end this day and prep for tomorrow. Things she need to do for herself, to navigate her life. This includes a few chores, uniform, pe kit and book prep for the following day etc. We devised this so I wouldnt have to ask her about XYZ, as she didn't like me asking. All I ask is "have you done your list" or similar.

I try & just leave her to it, but if I say anything at all to her the screaming will start.

So if I say "good morning" to check she is awake I will be screamed at. And so it starts. She can spend 2 hours "getting ready" and not be ready.

It is 100% unacceptable and shitty behaviour. She knows it. She will be having a dreadful day and come home and say sorry.

And them tomorrow we are 50/50 for a replay. And Wednesday probably 100% set for a replay.

How arrogant and rude. Does she talk to her father in the same way?

Change the front door lock to a Yale so she doesn’t need a key to go out. Then go for your swim.

Drop the rope and let her get ready for school herself. Tell school you are doing this and support any sanctions they give for being late. She might rise to the challenge and be either ready for the lift or get herself out the door to walk.

Teens want to be both treated like adults and behave like little kids which comes with a whole set of problems. She could see you as treating her a young child with your reminders, so give a try doing nothing.

Yes, how dare she tell her mum she's a massive failure when her mum is doing her best. She's bloody rude and has somehow decided she can dominate her mum and speak to her like crap

this is the female one.
Its really difficult to navigate.

I've had 3 different (female) doctors all give conflicting advice re HRT and the progesterone. A consultant at the gynological clinic I went to for a biopsy bascially told me I was a gormless idiot for following my GP's advice.

Apparently the NHS only offers one form a progesterone and if you are one of the many many women who have a bad reaction to this, tough luck. I have pushed back to be told there is no possible alternative for me. I am 99% convinced this is a lie.

Get a key safe. Book your swim every morning and make sure they are awake and have access to food before you leave. Remove tech if they are late to school or rude to you. Point out , in a more in sorrow sort of way that they have been rude. Do less, much less. When they ask you for something, sometimes regretfully refuse because you are still so hurt from eg this mornings aggression that you feel unable to drive , cook, open your purse right now. Make your bedroom a haven of peace and tranquility, really, spend money and time on it. Fulfil all your fantasies, whether it be tarts parlour or Japandi retreat, spend the Child Benefit on it. You are not their punchbag or their slave. Helping them to understand that is in their best interests. Every time they are unpleasant , walk away. Tell them how much you are benefitting from breakfast in a quiet house and a daily swim. They may want to join you! Creating a little bit of distance will help them see you as an actual person, and will protect you from the pain of their contempt. My children are older, but I am only now starting to prioritise myself, and it is surprisingly effective. My adult son shouted at me for asking if he was feeling better, a few hours after he had complained he was unwell. I dropped my voice and said, that seems rude, you said you weren't well?He apologised!!
I wish I had made these changes years ago. You can change this dynamic.

Plus, don't accept any of this "oh it's just teenagers". No, it's not. Both can learn appropriate behaviour, although if they've been like this "since they were wee", then it's going to be hard.

does she heck!

My understanding of the progesterone is that you can have gel or tablets. I have the tablets and they are made from yams. Have you tried those?

I see. Do you know why? What's his secret?

I agree. I've got 17 year and 20 year old dds. I'd be shocked if they spoke to me like that.

This. I leave at 7.35 am for work and both get a lift to school. If they aren’t ready I go without them.

If they dared to give me a list or tell me how to parent I would say Ok. The next time they go to their Dad, change the locks and text and say ‘you have repeatedly abused me in my own home and my health is shot to pieces. You can live with you other parent you have two. I have done x years and I’m unwell as a result through your abuse. So now is time for the other parent’

I appreciate you are not me, but I would not put up with abuse. They are abusing you.

Hrt is not a cure for abuse and this is abuse.

Mine are adults now, and even though some of the teen years were tricky (one is ND), there was never any verbal abuse like this. The OP says they're not like that with the Dad.

Exactly.

Yep, this. At 13 and 17, you don't need to be making their breakfast, getting them up in the morning, or ensuring they've got everything they need. Your only job is taking them to school (if they don't walk/get the bus). The rest is up to them. They leave with you whether they've had breakfast, got their stuff or whatever. And your DD needs to be told very firmly that it is not her job to criticise your parenting. I know it's easy for me to say - I have two kids roughly the same age - but I wouldn't put up with being treated like that, and you shouldn't either. I don't want to sound harsh/judgy, but it sounds a little like you've fallen into something of a victim mentality where your kids are pushing you around, and you need to remember you're the adult here and take control of the situation.

If DD1 has all the answers, perhaps ask her to show you how she would dead with DD2 in the morning. Then stand back and let her go for it. If she succeeds, then give her the job as she is so capable.

This is excellent advice and I have already been doing much of this. It has improved my life vastly and I have really been enjoying more of my own time and following my own interests the last couple of years.

For so long your kids need to much from you and the next minute they don't want to spend much time with you. I was OK with that - and once they were old enough to be at home alone I would go for a swim, go to yoga, started having more of my life doing what I want to do, and rediscovered what it is I do want to do for me.

They both love and admire this I think, but also expect me to me at their beck and call.

Misbehaviour that invoves disrepect towards me I will down tools & work to rule. No lifts, no extras, no cooking. I do the very basics and they live off fish fingers and beans, until they are reminded how much I do for them & I deserve a bit of respect.

"the pain of their contempt" - this really hit home. I think I really struggle with this. Sometimes when things kick off any resiliance and/or strenght I ahve just dissolves. And all I can think of doing is running away.

I will investigate key options.