I don't want to live with my kids anymore

[PartTimeModel]

NC because I feel ashamed.

DD's are 17 & 13.
13yo is ND but functions pertty well.

Mornings have become hell. Nothing works to improve things.

I get shouted and screamed at:
for saying good moring
for waking them up if they sleep through their alarm.
for saying the time in the mornings;
for saying "leaving in 5 minutes";
for asking DD2 to turn her (many) bedroom lights off;
for asking if anyone would like me to make them breakfast;
for NOT asking if anyone would like breakfast;
for driving them to school at a pre agreed time;
for not driving them to school (Its walking distance).

last night DD1 sat me down and told me I'm a massive failure and I need to be following DD2 around in the morning "supporting" her to get ready for school.
This is the very same DD2 who basically tells me to fuck off if I check she is awake. Who responds to any word I might dare to utter with "STOP SHOUTING AT ME!" (I am not shouting).

I try to manage DD2's morings by ensuring she gets everythig ready the night before. When I check in with her asking if her bags are packed, uniform ready etc she says yes. she just lies. So the next morning half her school uniform has been left at ther fathers, her bag isn't ready etc and we are all caught up in her chaos.

It has turned into a stupidly hellish & stressful situation. To the extent I no longer want to live with them. I just want to get in my car and drive away but I can't as I have cats. I am at the point where I want to leave my children but not my cats.
Its so bloody awful.

Every morning.

I want them out of my house. This makes me feel sick though. This is taking a serious toll on my own mental health.

Since my children have been teens I have occassionally had troubles - with their behalvious triggering flashbacks to my own very troubled teenage years. I put myself in therapy for over a year and made good progress unpicking this. And here I am back again.

All I can think about is quitting my job, leaving my children and making everyone go away.

They can go an live with their dad. I feel like I've done enough and I'm not spending the next XX years starting every day in misery because of their shitty behaviour. Even the rare morings DD2 can get herslef ready and off to school we are all on eggshells constantly waiting for her to kick off.

I know this is all reactive and I'll probably calm down and feel better later but I am not having more mornings like this. The only solution I can think of is they move out.

What a horribly shit mother I am.

You’re not a shit mum. You’re at the end of your rope and anyone would be.

How much are they with their dad and does he do any school days?

Nothing wrong with telling him he’s got to step up and be the resident parent.

So the 17 year old is unreasonable because after living in this awful atmosphere of kick offs & tantrums and waiting for the kick offs to begin every single day she has spoke to her mum about it?

But the adult, the parent, isn’t unreasonable for being so exhausted and fed up by that exact same behaviour that she wants to send them to her dads and run away?

You can’t see the issue with your logic there?

ND might be stretching it - she isn't autistic. She has dyslexia and probably ADHD. She's not seen a doctor about any diagnosis & there is no chance of that happening with our GP surgery.

She absolutely can get things together. Part of her problem is all the time she spends putting make up on. At 13 !

Its all the screaming at me to STOP SHOUTING AT HER.

"good morning" STOP SHOUTING AT ME she screams.
I'm not shouting.
Any word i say to her gets met with STOP SHOUTING AT ME - she is shouting. I am not.

Both of them say I am shouting and I am really really not. The third time I might say something I will have an "annoyed tone" but I am not shouting. I've been like this since they were wee - I will ask nicely once, nicely twice and if I have to ask a third time the reason my voice sounds annoyed it because I am annoyed! This is not unreasonable.

Having spent my entire teens being gaslit and told "black is white and I am a massive bitch for not agreeing" I do find these accusations of shouting very upsetting. Most days I can ignore and jolly on. Then it becomes too much.

yes I work full time - from home.

I don't understand. You mentioned the lights then say in a later post actually there is now only 1 light, so presumably that argument isn't current. You mentioned the breakfast then say actually they make their own breakfast and have done for years, and that your youngest is fairly independent in that regard. You aren't dashing to work as you are really wanting to go for a morning swim (not many can do that midweek with 2 kids!) so there isn't that pressure. What is the actual current situation causing stresses so that people can advise?

I disagree with this.

The kids didn’t turn out this way by themselves. If OP wants change she should first look at her parenting instead of blaming her children. I would be really interested in what they had to say on the matter.

Ship the difficult younger one off there- Their Dad is probably better at boundaries and basic discipline, which is likely why they behave more respectfully there.
Bet they don't abuse him as they do you.
It's completely unacceptable behaviour.

Pack the younger one off to Dad's for a few weeks.

The 17 yr old is capable of looking after herself.

Both of you can enjoy the peace.

Excuse me, did we read the same OP?

The 17yo is shouting and screaming at her dm and "sitting her down" to berate her and tell her she's a "massive failure" who should be pandering to them even more? Would you accept this behaviour from your dc's?

Maybe the 17yo who is almost an adult should be left completely to her own devices in the morning like most normal kids of that age and stop being pandered to? Maybe then she'd have more respect for her poor exhausted mum who is being treated like absolute shit.

can you not keep a uniform for them at your house? school uniforms are relatively cheap for blouses/skirts etc. from places like asda. lugging around uniforms between houses is madness.

Pack the younger one off to Dad's for a few weeks.

And this. Tell him he needs to step up bc you're barely coping.**

I'm having arguments with my alledged "doctor" about HRT.

I am very sensitive to the progesterone they prescribe - I can't take it. It makes me incredibly depressed. But I can tolerate so called "bio identical" forms of progesterone.

I love the oestrogen part of the HRT though - it makes me feel grat.

So my doctor won't prescribe me HRT anymore and I am really missing it.

I probably need to save up and get private menopause treatment.

I'll add it to my "list"

This is probably very isolating too working from home.

Do you get out and about at all?

From what I read in your posts it’s not that you mind doing the things you do it’s just your kids see you as a non person with no value?

Is the 17 year old learning to drive? This may help in the future. Plus it is a skill that helps them to mature and appreciate how driving is also a benefit to family life.

Maybe a 17 year old is really struggling living in this environment where her younger sibling is kicking off or on egg shells waiting for her to kick off- as OP has said is the case.

You know, the same environment that has OP wanting to pack the car up and leave?

They’re in the same situation here. You can’t judge one for their reaction without judging them both.

Discipline and boundaries are ''old fashioned'' terms, but probably the reason that the Dad doesn't get the bad behaviour the mother does.

It sounds purgatorial, all that shouting and screaming. Not good for anyone.

The only way I get through is with alarms and checklists, and enough school uniform for every day (including PE kits, which his school does every day). I iron uniform/pack PE kits on a Sunday so at least that is done and no-one's ever running round the house looking for a jumper.

But my eldest (the one with organisational challenges) is at least pretty reasonable about it (although does get annoyed eventually, and doesn't see his lack of organisation as as much of a problem as I do - I hate stressful mornings, I need things ordered). Instilling the habits I need them to follow is so tough though, that I have to keep reminding myself that once he's got the habit I won't have to think about it again, only to give up the training a week too soon and have to start over (he's 14.. and dyspraxic)

My youngest has tried the whole "it's your responsibility to wake me when I want to be woken" thing, he was told in no uncertain terms that that wasn't acceptable, and I'd use my judgement and be just as reasonable to him as he was to me.

I think I'd do what I could to make it this last week to the Christmas holidays, then come up with an organisational plan for next term - and to a certain extent, trying to hands off a bit more - I'd certainly be walking away if I was sworn at.

It sounds really stressful.

Tell DC1to butt right out. But that you need your morning energy to focus on DC2 so from now DC1 is responsible for getting themselves up, dressed, breakfast Ed and ready for school.

DC2 needs more of your ficus. Don't just passively ask if things are done. Check it. Twice.
Then make a timed plan, together, on how mornings are to look.
Write it on a list - with timings. Laminate it. Check at each time interval you are where you should be - if not you catch up together.

Be firm. Be pleasant. But be very sure and clear to both of them this how it is going to be. Shouting gets consequences. Agree them in advance

Leave the 17yr old to get ready and do whatever they do by themselves. She shouldnt need any help from you to get up and get ready for school.

I would sit down with the younger one and lay down the law about the way she talks to you, shouting at you all the time isn't the way things are done. If shes not happy tell her to go to her dad's until she calms down.

She has 3 sets of uniform. I pay for it all.
she ash so much uniform to avoid uniform issues.

They should be kept here.
She was at her fathers for the weekend - so of course her uniform isn't washed & somehow none of the 3 jumpers are here.

I don't care about uniform compliance anymore. The school harrass the parents about uniform compilance, but dont address the kids. So it causes me/us grief but the school do nothing but harrass the parents.

I gave up mentioning it - she can get a detention I don't care.

I shouldn't have wandered into the missing jumper landmine this morning.

Novice error on my part.

Teens are very difficult.

What helped me:

I didn't talk to them in the mornings unless I had to. I'm not a morning person at the best of times to be honest anyway.

We put a key safe on the side of the house. You learn a code and there's a spare house key in it. DD lost house keys like there was no tomorrow and this way there was always a back up.

I made a laminated picture of what she needed to have in her bag every day. It was laid out the night before. That way I could see that pencil case, books, train ticket etc were there. Arguments were the night before but it is better than in the morning.

DD1 is completely self reliant 99% of the time re getting to school etc.

She just likes to "helpfully" list my failings as a parent to DD2 & give me notes on what I could be doing better.

i hear you. I have the bio identical type for the same reason. I paid for the private consultation, went back to nhs and get the monthly prescription on the nhs.

Anyway, I know this isn’t what you were asking, so sorry to derail .

I would guess they slowly migrate their way there... I have to remind my son to bring home spare PE kit from his school locker every half term, or it just builds up and I'm wondering why I have none at home

Stop hovering. Stop trying to please / manage.

Look after your cats and yourself.

Ensure there is always food for the DCs in the kitchen and that they know how to prepare breakfast and packed lunch.

Put instructions on how to use the washing machine and ensure they know where the iron is.

Do they get themselves to school? Let them. If not, leave when it's time to leave and let them deal with it if they're not ready.

I'm with you, it's a ghastly stage.

It will pass. Pick your battles. Helicoptering their mornings won't help.

ADHD and dyslexia are both types of neurodivergence so your daughter is ND.

However, that's not a free pass to behave like this.

Why are you allowing it?

If either DD is rude to you, regardless of what time it is, there needs to be a consequence for that. She is reliant on you for money, internet connection, lifts and all her other privileges. Give her a warning and then start removing them, it's NOT acceptable to speak to anyone like that, and society will not care what kind of ND she has.

Hi Op, my DS is younger at 11 (nearly 12) but sounds very similar, He also has severe dyslexia and ADHD. He simply would not get himself out of the house if I didn't chivvy him along. He is absolutely knackered at the moment (not sleep wise just burnt out). I do second ask her how you can both make it better but be prepared to listen and not lecture. If she suggests something that you have already tried then tell her that you tried that and it doesn't seem to be working so what else does she suggest.

The poor executive function that goes with dyslexia does make them so less organised. My only aim is to get DS out of the house relatively happy so I just make sure that I am his safe space. He can tell me he hates me but he can't tell me to fuck off.

Have a look at book called The Explosive Child, it is helping us and our journey. I mean he's not even close to puberty yet so fucks knows what that will bring.

I know lots of people think I do too much for him but my aim is for no kicking off in the morning so I am willing to do everything thing I can to stop any arguments.