I don't want to live with my kids anymore

[PartTimeModel]

NC because I feel ashamed.

DD's are 17 & 13.
13yo is ND but functions pertty well.

Mornings have become hell. Nothing works to improve things.

I get shouted and screamed at:
for saying good moring
for waking them up if they sleep through their alarm.
for saying the time in the mornings;
for saying "leaving in 5 minutes";
for asking DD2 to turn her (many) bedroom lights off;
for asking if anyone would like me to make them breakfast;
for NOT asking if anyone would like breakfast;
for driving them to school at a pre agreed time;
for not driving them to school (Its walking distance).

last night DD1 sat me down and told me I'm a massive failure and I need to be following DD2 around in the morning "supporting" her to get ready for school.
This is the very same DD2 who basically tells me to fuck off if I check she is awake. Who responds to any word I might dare to utter with "STOP SHOUTING AT ME!" (I am not shouting).

I try to manage DD2's morings by ensuring she gets everythig ready the night before. When I check in with her asking if her bags are packed, uniform ready etc she says yes. she just lies. So the next morning half her school uniform has been left at ther fathers, her bag isn't ready etc and we are all caught up in her chaos.

It has turned into a stupidly hellish & stressful situation. To the extent I no longer want to live with them. I just want to get in my car and drive away but I can't as I have cats. I am at the point where I want to leave my children but not my cats.
Its so bloody awful.

Every morning.

I want them out of my house. This makes me feel sick though. This is taking a serious toll on my own mental health.

Since my children have been teens I have occassionally had troubles - with their behalvious triggering flashbacks to my own very troubled teenage years. I put myself in therapy for over a year and made good progress unpicking this. And here I am back again.

All I can think about is quitting my job, leaving my children and making everyone go away.

They can go an live with their dad. I feel like I've done enough and I'm not spending the next XX years starting every day in misery because of their shitty behaviour. Even the rare morings DD2 can get herslef ready and off to school we are all on eggshells constantly waiting for her to kick off.

I know this is all reactive and I'll probably calm down and feel better later but I am not having more mornings like this. The only solution I can think of is they move out.

What a horribly shit mother I am.

@Nanny0gg I did just demonstrate what shouting looks like to DD2. 😁

Just by way of example and to establish that I have not been shouting in the mornings.

I thik DD1 will probably take herself off to her Dad's for the rest of the week now. She's not home from school yet.

Talk to her though. It's really not acceptable.

Honestly I really didn't want to hug her after we spoke which was odd. I want her to have time to absorb the seriousness of what I said before I got involved with making her feel better/offering comfort.

She did look shocked so I think she's having (hopefully) a pivotal moment and I want her to sit with that for a while.

But we absolutely will hug it out later.

Worked perfectly for DD, as it removed me entirely from her schema of existence for the mornings. I told her that as she found me so jarring in the morning, the only solution left was for it to be entirely up to her how she managed her morning - and that way, it would be completely her decision whether she got a detention/breakfast/something in her bag for later if she didn't feel like eating straight away.

<something, something, met one person with AuDHD, met one person, something, something>

Great update op and i like that you're going to delegate the GP stuff to her dad. I really really do think it will help her, but you handing it over to her dad demonstrates exactly what i was saying about how my life changed since i accepted I'm ND - recognising things that made my MH worse and handing them off to other people with no guilt at all. Why should it be you doing everything all the time?! Because you're their mum? Nah sod that, GPs are enough to drive anyone round the twist and you've got enough to cope with.

You sound like a great mum trying to do her best. Id say maybe dd can revisit her morning routine to work out what's causing her so much frustration - you might need to help her with this but let her work out what will help her and help her implement it if necessary. In the case of my dc (much younger dc) , using Alexa to set alarms and reminders really helped because although i might be setting the reminder, it wasn't coming directly from me so they couldn't get mad at me!

Good luck op. You've got this!

I think you were right not to hug her, that's sending mixed messages.

Let her digest everything. Sounds like you've stuck up for yourself and given a few home truths - which she is old enough to hear.

Now if she doesn't start abiding by the "new way" you put the ramifications of that in place and stick to your word.

Good luck op.

Agree with this.
I would take myself out for the evening too, and leave early in the morning as well.

I definitely agree with you not at the time. Later though if you are both up for it I think it might help.

I especially want to thank the posters who said how DD2 speaks /shouts to me is abusive/bullying.

You are right, it is.

And I think that is why I felt so devastated - this morning felt like I expereinced a total & sudden collapse of all my usual internal support structures. I can see now how that is a reaction to abuse, and that is why all this triggering occured and I felt so helpless in the face of it.

I never would have identified that for what it was, and known then why I am so strongly affected. Its like flashbacks.

thank you!

I'm so glad that you've acknowledged this as abuse, and that it has to stop.
.

She did sheepishly offer me tea after we talked and I said "I don't want your tea I want your respect".

<feeling stroppy and emboldened now>

I don't know if she got the Lady Gaga reference or not.

And all the scales fell from my eyes and I realised this "depressive" personality of mine was hormonal contracpetive induced. It honestly affected how I saw myself my entire adult life - and as I started with the pill on the back of coming out of a very traumatic homelife I though I was depressed and it was all me. Similar with the mirena - I ha it installed after DD2 was born and I BF her for 18 months - I think the oxytocin etc masked the effects while I was BF. Then I separated from my XP, stopped BF about the same time and thought the depression was me/my life again. As soon as the mirena was out I started to feel better - but I had several years severely affected.
The whole time doctors offered me anti-d's and denied that contraception could affect me like it had. Big lie!! They know and they lie to women.

I thought same about anxiety - have anxious parent - then when connection finally made just got push for coil and anti d and told it couldn't be that.

It does make me wary about asking for HRT - though here I've heard they often do ant D before HRT and then push coil as well - so so far getting by with supplements - which do seem to have improve both periods and mood but no idea how long that will last.

Well I'm glad you've spoken up and hope your DD2 takes it on board.

If she needs extra organisational help she needs to ask for that not lash out at you.

She is making an effort, so at some point, when you feel less angry, you should probably acknowledge that with a thank you.

She's showing that she's heard you and wants to do better. Don't let that opportunity slip away, but take your time to feel better.

I will drink her tea later this evening and we will have a hug.

Gosh I am so tired - all this emotional stress is exhausting. I've also done zero work today 😳

Early night is needed.

No advice really, I don’t personally take any medication and not sure if any diagnosis would really affect your life tbh. I suppose I’m just aware that my reactions to certain situations are not necessarily typical (eg compared to my husband) and I have a noticeably short fuse/tolerance for loud noises etc so try to bear that in mind now that I’m an adult and should have more control over my own reactions - easier said than done. Your post about your younger daughter reminded me so much of myself as a teen and my poor mother must have been tearing her hair out - I probably just seemed really disorganised and difficult and resistant to instructions, but despite having done well at school etc, I still find those things difficult.

Well done OP. Yeah, did the right thing not to hug straight after the talk, but defo do so later as planned. Hopefully this will be a new start for you both. There will obviously still be stand offs and spats in the future, it wouldn’t be a normal teenage daughter and mum relationship if there wasn’t, but now you’ve accepted where the line crosses from stroppy teen to abusive bully it should be much easier for you address.

Would the dad take them? If so - let this go to his, sounds like they need a father figure around.

Sit them down and explain the issue to them calmly, and that their behaviour can't continue. Tell them to buck up over the next week. And if they don't, explain there will be consequences. Don't say what.
Tell them they have 7 days to behave better.
Do only what you are happy and comfortable doing each morning given the circumstances, try to avoid saying or performing tasks that exacerbate the situation, and your anger/despair.
Try not to vacillate between feeling guilty for what you're feeling then flipping to over compensating by 'doing everything' for them.
It's not helping you or them in the long run, and they need to learn that actions have consequences.
Change your behaviour in the mornings and only do the necessary.
If at the end of 7 days they don't alter their behaviour, arrange for your 17 year old to stay with her DF for a trial period.
I'm hoping they get the message and alter course, but if not, it sounds like you need a break!
Best wishes OP!

@Newposter180
Me too, I still find those things difficult!
I've come to realise that I will only ever be able to sustain employment in afternoon/evening jobs and no New Years resolutions will help me to 'to do list' myself into a capable morning person.
I'll often be 10mins late at work but I also forget to leave on time! So I need an employer who's fine with that balance of things.

My ExH drives me to work to help...

He also does all of the time-sensitive stuff with DS (clubs, events, appointments). I initiate the ideas and identify needs but he executes them as it would be a hit-miss track record if left to me.

Understanding how I function, has stopped me forcing myself into a mold that will never fit. I'm also aware what to delegate and why.
ExH said that things which used to anger him about me before, he can let go of now, as he doesn't see disrespect anymore, he sees a pattern of functions that I struggle with.

But you don't want to live with her anymore?!

Go in and wake the youngest.

Set an Alexa alarm or similar to go off every ten minutes in a place near the bed but not reachable from the bed. Set Alexa to say, it's 30 mins until you leave, have you got dressed?
Then ten mins later, have you had breakfast you are leaving in 20 mins?
Then shoes on you are leaving in ten minutes.
Then time to go, have a lovely day.

Then sit back with a cup of tea and wait.

If the youngest doesn't get up and get out in time, let her walk to school later and face the consequences. Or if you normally drive her, do this when she's finally ready and she can face the consequences at school.

The eldest is responsible for herself. Don't get involved at all apart from saying good morning, that's all.

By getting and setting Alexa to do the reminders, it's no longer you who are the bad guy.

There will be frustrated tears but the youngest will learn and the oldest will get on with it.

You need to take a big step back for your own sanity.

Do not go and wake up your children Jesus Christ!

She meant in the morning!

How did this morning go? Did she get herself up and out?