I don't want to live with my kids anymore

[PartTimeModel]

NC because I feel ashamed.

DD's are 17 & 13.
13yo is ND but functions pertty well.

Mornings have become hell. Nothing works to improve things.

I get shouted and screamed at:
for saying good moring
for waking them up if they sleep through their alarm.
for saying the time in the mornings;
for saying "leaving in 5 minutes";
for asking DD2 to turn her (many) bedroom lights off;
for asking if anyone would like me to make them breakfast;
for NOT asking if anyone would like breakfast;
for driving them to school at a pre agreed time;
for not driving them to school (Its walking distance).

last night DD1 sat me down and told me I'm a massive failure and I need to be following DD2 around in the morning "supporting" her to get ready for school.
This is the very same DD2 who basically tells me to fuck off if I check she is awake. Who responds to any word I might dare to utter with "STOP SHOUTING AT ME!" (I am not shouting).

I try to manage DD2's morings by ensuring she gets everythig ready the night before. When I check in with her asking if her bags are packed, uniform ready etc she says yes. she just lies. So the next morning half her school uniform has been left at ther fathers, her bag isn't ready etc and we are all caught up in her chaos.

It has turned into a stupidly hellish & stressful situation. To the extent I no longer want to live with them. I just want to get in my car and drive away but I can't as I have cats. I am at the point where I want to leave my children but not my cats.
Its so bloody awful.

Every morning.

I want them out of my house. This makes me feel sick though. This is taking a serious toll on my own mental health.

Since my children have been teens I have occassionally had troubles - with their behalvious triggering flashbacks to my own very troubled teenage years. I put myself in therapy for over a year and made good progress unpicking this. And here I am back again.

All I can think about is quitting my job, leaving my children and making everyone go away.

They can go an live with their dad. I feel like I've done enough and I'm not spending the next XX years starting every day in misery because of their shitty behaviour. Even the rare morings DD2 can get herslef ready and off to school we are all on eggshells constantly waiting for her to kick off.

I know this is all reactive and I'll probably calm down and feel better later but I am not having more mornings like this. The only solution I can think of is they move out.

What a horribly shit mother I am.

@HPandthelastwish yes DD1 is absolutely sick of the atmosphere.

We are all mighty sick of the atmosphere.

But she isn’t coping though is she? If every morning is a disaster like you’ve outlined, kick offs or waiting for one, to the extent you’re thinking of driving away and leaving, she’s not coping.

I’m not surprised, it is very hard work especially as a single parent, I can’t even begin to imagine that aspect but I think in some ways you are buying into their narrative about how bad it all is.

It really isn’t, they clearly have a mother who cares and many children don’t get that, they have a mother who puts herself out for them, again that is by no means guaranteed.

You are doing great but particularly autistic children, who can lack insight and theory of mind, can often project perfectionism expecting parents to be perfect - all teens do it to some extent
until they learn a bit more. Like everything else these have to be addressed explicitly as well as boundaries around abusive behaviour with ND. Tell them how it is from your perspective and tell them it is going to have to change.

"Lower their expectations of you and raise their expectations of themselves."

This kind of sums up my parenting ethos.

I have recently started putting a bit more energy into looking affter myself better - exercising regularly & losing a bit of weight. They love it as long as it doesn't impact them at all.

Your youngest daughter may be ND but that's not an excuse to speak to you like you're something, she's scraped off the bottom of her shoe. Your daughter may be 13, but most likely due to being ND, she struggles with planning and time keeping. You are going to have to ask your ex to make sure all her uniform comes back from his - even if he has to pack it himself. The same goes for home, you need to make sure her uniform is ready, bag packed etc. There is little point in relying on your daughter, because she's not organised enough and lies. You then need to discuss what would work better in the morning with her. However, you need to make sure there are consequences for poor behaviour and rudeness. My son is 14 (not ND) and if he told me to fuck off, I'd go ballistic..and he knows it! Your 17 year old, is clearly cheesed off with the drama in the mornings. She was insensitive but at 17 she knows bugger all about being a parent. You aren't a failure or a shit Mother, you are one who is trying to do her best and struggling.

I hope this is working out for you but there is no way I would or could do this.

I'm having pandemic flashbacks and it was bloody awful trying to "home school" DD2.

i have a ND teen you are not alone .

look up PDA strategies for mornings .
change the wording . Can you get you uniform on before I make breakfast .

would you like cereal or toast .

i use Alexa to wake Ds up . He can shout at her not me 🤔.

I have had things that worked short term .

world record attempts for getting ready
A wipe board with list of tasks

take out any none essential tasks for mornings . If they have been to dad’s check uniform yourself .

know I don’t have the answers and you are most definitely not alone

yes - of course they do.

Do you have ADHD yourself OP?
I do. I recognise myself in your daughter AND in you in equal measure.

Its probably a bit worse due to end of term tiredness etc.

Problem is I don't want to spend Christmas with them. I just want them to go away.

I think it’s time for dad to step up so you can get a break. You are not a bad mother this sounds like hell. Don’t let it continue.

I did actually do what you’re suggesting and packed them off to their fathers for him to deal with and quite simply he didn’t deal with it.
His solution was to To Be up ready and by the front door by 8.00am if they weren’t ready he went to work and he left them at home for the day and let them suffer the consequences when they eventually got to school
I don’t know if I recommend this at all because I was a nervous wreck for years wondering whether they’ve got the train, wondering whether they’d be the Next Millie Dowler.
It really is a case of choose your poison because of course now she hasn’t got any GCSEs I’ve had to financially support her through an access course to get her to university. She still struggles massively with her mental health.
The only saving grace I guess is that I’m in a stronger position mentally myself to support her.

possibly

I have a ND 13 year old. I help (I basically do it for them) them pack their back the night before. I leave all their clothes for the morning out for them and I set their alarm for the morning. They are not in the best of moods in the morning so I try to stay out of their way and leave them to it. They get their own breakfast. I appear just before they leave to give them a kiss good bye.

A friend of mine with 3 ND children like this changed her front door lock to one where you punched in a key code so there wasn't an issue with losing keys. She was a doctor so being ate to work wasn't a negotiable and it was one of the many tweaks she had to make to the morning routine.

This OP
My teenage child was a nightmare and everything I tried was to no avail so I don't have any answers.
Sadly for me, things got progressively worse and I had to find the strength to say goodbye.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I wish I had been asked to have stricter measures in place.
I was a single parent and felt like I was drowning in it all.
Sending you strength OP

Sorry you’re feeling like this OP. I hope the Christmas break helps calm things down.

There are some small things you can do to make life easier. Always make an easy breakfast for DC2 that can sit on the table while she organises herself. Bowl of cereal jug of milk or even easier toast. She can even take toast out with her. This is one less thing you need to shout about in the mornings.

Check her uniform is ready the night before especially if back from staying with father.

Check her bag is packed the night before. She will say yes every time if you don’t check. Every single teen will say the same. Also, give less of a shit about what is in her bag. Check she has a pencil case and her planner in there and don’t worry about the rest.

Sew a key into her bag on a long chain or string. As long as she has her bag she has a key. I have one clipped into my coat so it doesn’t slip out of the pocket.

Treat yourself when they are next away at their dads.

💐

How about their dad taking them for a while. I'm serious. You sound burnt out with it. Your eldest will be in uni/training anyhow in a year.

My dd (14) is not diagnosed ND but you could be forgiven for thinking she is between 6.45am and 8am. It is as if an alien takes over in the morning.

I cope with it like this:

• she has her phone alarm on but I open her bedroom door at 6.50am and say “morning” then walk away.
• ten minutes later I return and say “morning you ok?” And she growls.

Usually at this point she is moving. I do not talk to her again until 7.30-am when I ask if she’s on track, remind her of the weather report for today, and ask can I have her water bottle to fill please. And she will usually snap my head off, and not produce a water bottle.

At 7.45 her dad reminds her she has 15 mins to get ready, still hasn’t done her water bottle, cleaned her teeth or brought her stuff downstairs. And she will yell “I know stop, reminding me of things I already know!” Or similar

At 7.55am her dad reminds her to grab breakfast, she thrusts a water bottle in my hands, and she grumpily confirms her teeth are clean. And then dad gives her a lift to school.

The threat is always there that if she crosses lines then she can walk. It is a long way. And no we don’t care if she is late and gets detention.

if she swore at us or was more rude, she knows she would not get a lift and would lost Wi-Fi access for the evening (and no, I don’t care if that means she can’t do her homework - tough, she can do it in the morning or do the detention).

I don’t worry about her bag being packed, although I try and help with reminders about taking her apron or £1 for the school tombola.

If she forgets something she gets a detention. If she is late she gets a detention.

I keep my cool and I stay happy for dc2.

If you currently can’t leave the house until she leaves the house, then I’d ask leave her a key and tell her to post it back through the letterbox when she has locked up. (Does the door stay unlocked when you close it, or is it one that you need a key to open?)

Yup.

It is brave to admit to these feelings.

Understandable at times too.

However, you are creating an imaginary existence whereby you wish yourself gone and free. Unfortunately, this will never be the case now you are a parent.

More therapy? You do need help and someone to talk to about your feelings with no judgement attached.

Get Dad to step up more too if you can.

I have teens in this age bracket. I am also peri menopausal and HRT has helped my moods a lot. Something to consider for you, maybe?

You sound incredibly stressed and I feel for you.

I have a 13 and 17yo. I don't even see them in the mornings - they get themselves up and off to school. The 13yo has to catch the school bus at 7.30am, which she does without complaint.

You're pandering to them and being too available. The fact you say your 17yo "sat you down" what the hell? Do you generally let them boss and bully you?

I see this happening so often with single mums. The marriage has broken down, they feel guilty and start letting the dc's run rings around them bc they don't want to "upset them further". My bf was the same and her teenagers are now the most entitled brats - they tell her to fuck off and her son (16) regularly has tantrums and smashes things up. They do it because they can get away with it.

Kids need to learn self-discipline and respect. You need to seriously back off and lay down some rules. Then stick to them. Tell them how it's going to be: I will come in and wake you up at whatever time and then you're on your own. Il leave breakfast on the table and that's it.

Then I'd just leave the house at first if possible, just take yourself out of the equation.

Oh God, this is awful awful awful. You must be feeling quite mad with it all.
I don't have a suggestion for the best way ahead, just the thought that in a few year's time you will be groaning and laughing about this ghastly phase your teenagers are going through.

Do you work OP?