To struggle with the future he's suggesting?

[UnderCou]

I've been with partner for around 6 years. We both live apart with our teenage dc from previous relationships.

My dc are 12 and 14, his dc are 17 and 18. Soon he'll stop the payments to his ex (once both 18). He currently rents a small house and his dds share a room when they stay. He has no assets and minimal savings, due to his age, buying a house would be tricky (no deposit and mid 50s).

I live in a house with my two dc, I've been paying off the mortgage for the last twenty years and all in own name. It will be paid off by 60.

He has asked whether, once over 18, I'd consider extending or moving to a slightly bigger house so his young adult dds can share a room, with him moving in as well. This would be so we could live together.

I can understand that he may like them to stay over, rather than just seeing them for lunch etc. However I suspect I'd have most of the costs of this and I don't want the upheaval of my dc.

His dds are lovely and I get on well with them, but there's a difference in values, for example they don't have part time jobs, he cleans up after them a lot etc. I'm not convinced that he will insist they get jobs at 18. I fear ending up being responsible for housing a lot of people when I'm in my 50s and looking to start winding down from a hectic working life.

He's a great dad, but I suspect the only realistic future we have is living apart. Am I being unusual in not wanting all the upheaval to live together?

I was gob smacked by his cheek. He obviously hasn’t made any real plans and hasn’t much idea about finance. To ask you to uproot yourself or extend your home to accommodate himself and two daughters who may want to stay over is beyond belief.
Make it clear you are not and cannot do this as you must have peace of mind and you are striving to be debt free. There are none so free with money as when spending someone else’s.

THIS. Your DCs’ loan entitlements are calculated on combined household income, and the government expects (although cannot enforce) parents to fund the shortfall. Doesn’t matter if the “parental” income is calculated from an actual parent or a live-in-partner—the kids don’t get the loan.

That’s more like it.
Rent a smaller place when both sets of kids are independent.

Although how will life look otherwise. .will
he have disposable income for travel and socialising ?

This is a great deal for him and his kids and a terrible one for you and your kids.

It has huge repercussions including less inheritance for your kids.

Great point.
I don't have my head in hands at you OP as I do with some in a similar situation. You sound as if you have your head screwed on and will do the right thing for you and your children. Repeat: his choices are not my problem!

Don't forget how difficult it would be to get his children to leave if they got on your nerves, given the way they don't seem to have any work ethic. There are tons of threats on here with women in the same position. It never ever ends well.

Actually this is a very good point.

No.

Why would you ever consider this.

Run!

I haven’t read all the thread so apologies if someone has already covered this.
In my experience you need to be more switched on parenting teenagers than toddlers, for the next 5 years or so your children should be your priority, don’t do anything that distracts you from that.
Moving, living with a man that see once a week, and dealing with older teens (possibly sharing their home) that they do not know could have a massive impact on their lives.

You are unhappy or uncertain about this, and so it should be a no.

Men like this never think they are the bad guy, and often they aren’t bad cynical people trying to get what they can from someone else, they just accidentally always start dating more solvent women when they get closer to a poor retirement.

Haha, love this ^ it's so true. No one more loving than a man in need who meets a comfortably situated woman..

Do not change anything! keep him as a boyfriend, do not move him in.

https://www.ucas.com/apprenticeships/england/higher-level-4-5

Send this to your partner and frame it in a way that it will benefit him financially if his kids were financially independent and learning a trade while getting qualified.

I will never ever live with anyone elses children. I find it hard enough with my own.

he knows I could afford to do this. Except after the decades of hard work and paying down my mortgage i feel exhausted and don't want more responsibilities.

Just reminding you, OP. You know you shouldn’t consider it.

I wouldnt be moving house to accommodate young adults. Too much disruption for you and your children to add 3 more people when currently see your partner once a week.

I wouldnt be against him moving in at some stage when his children no longer need a room at his place. Would protect inheritance for my own children if that happened so they still inherit the house if i die first.

Things either need to stay the same or improve with changes otherwise what's the point?

Sounds like you are pretty sorted so stay focused on what is best for you and your girls. Don't be swayed. If the relationship ends then so be it.

Er, NO! is the answer! Can’t believe he asked this! Look after yourself and your DC.

Lots of questions here.

How does he propose he pays for the 'bigger' house?
Will he take out a mortgage for 50% of the value of the house?
Will you put down 50% equity and pocket the rest of your equity?
If not will he pay you rent for any equity above 50% of the value you've put in?
How will he afford to pay 50% of the bills, food etc?
Where will your dc stay, is he suggesting a 5 bedroom house to accommodate everyone?
How will he pay 50% when he retires?
What will happen when you want to travel and he can't afford to?
Who inherits the house when you die?

Tbh if you're happy with the current situation and don't want, or aren't that bothered I'd stay put and let him sort his own shit out.

You sound to me entirely sensible. Nothing wrong about using your head. Your first responsibility is to think about your girls and their future. People don’t tend to
become ‘independent’ , especially financially at 18 now, particularly if going on to higher education. Your girls are likely to need a stable home and financial support to achieve best outcomes for themselves for some time. You won’t want to be diluting your ability to do that through financial support of others.

On that front, your boyfriend’s children are also likely to require support of various kinds for many years to come. He is perhaps prioritising them in making this proposal to you, rather than putting himself in your shoes.

He wants you to pay for a bigger house and an extension for his adult kids so they can stay with him occasionally?

I have read a couple of posts this year where the op has had the partner and their children move into their house and it really did not go well. One alarm was you saying their dad does everything for them & they don't work or want to do further education, and one of those posts had a very similar dynamic. The op dreaded going home as her once peaceful haven was no longer that, and she was shattered as she was working all the time to find everything.

I would probably say to your partner that you only envision moving in with him if it was a smaller house just for the two of you and see what he says to that.

His proposal doesnt sound like it has any material benefits for you. Listed to your head, don't let him make you feel bad. Your kids, your home, your financial security, your choice.

Keep things the way they are. There is no advantage to you to going along with his plans. I had a boyfriend somewhat like this...he wanted me to work, buy a house, him to retire early, and then use my employee benefit to get his youngest kid reduced tuition to university. I was about 14 years younger. I said no way. Nothing in it for me whatsoever.

And sorry - but I’m afraid this proposal being made by him without assurances from him about how he will pay his way entirely and not cost you anything would make me doubt his character and our relationship

Having read all your posts: I'd end the relationship before even considering his scenario. Absolutely no way.