To struggle with the future he's suggesting?

[UnderCou]

I've been with partner for around 6 years. We both live apart with our teenage dc from previous relationships.

My dc are 12 and 14, his dc are 17 and 18. Soon he'll stop the payments to his ex (once both 18). He currently rents a small house and his dds share a room when they stay. He has no assets and minimal savings, due to his age, buying a house would be tricky (no deposit and mid 50s).

I live in a house with my two dc, I've been paying off the mortgage for the last twenty years and all in own name. It will be paid off by 60.

He has asked whether, once over 18, I'd consider extending or moving to a slightly bigger house so his young adult dds can share a room, with him moving in as well. This would be so we could live together.

I can understand that he may like them to stay over, rather than just seeing them for lunch etc. However I suspect I'd have most of the costs of this and I don't want the upheaval of my dc.

His dds are lovely and I get on well with them, but there's a difference in values, for example they don't have part time jobs, he cleans up after them a lot etc. I'm not convinced that he will insist they get jobs at 18. I fear ending up being responsible for housing a lot of people when I'm in my 50s and looking to start winding down from a hectic working life.

He's a great dad, but I suspect the only realistic future we have is living apart. Am I being unusual in not wanting all the upheaval to live together?

plus 18 year olds will be or want to be sexually active and should have a place of their own at that age, non Uni, welcome to the world of work and responsibilities, which should not be your burden, shiftless as they are now, young adults with no
ambition

I think his suggestion is not a great option for you or your DC. If you agree now it would be very, very hard to change later (where would he go?) and it signs you up for a ton of work and expense which he would probably expect. To me it sounds like you are his funds for his old age! I think keep your current living arrangements and don't agree to this. I can see that might be hard if you love each other, but it's not a good financial option for you or your DC.

I think you are spot on, and would stay as you are. My DSD are lovely but again have very different values to me and mine and this does make cohabiting hard. DP is hands on but it does add a lot of work. Silly things like everything needs cleaning more cos of volume of people in house, a lot more washing that is then hanging around drying. Mine are quite self sufficient but on a weekend I might make brekkie which turns into the feeding of the 5,000 (or at least feels like it). All the kids are pretty decent and tidying but constantly picking up 2 things that have been left out x 3 extra people gets a bit grating too!

Obv there are lots of positives, but you can have lots of these without moving in together!

I too would end it. For him having the cheek to expect you to carry him and his adult children and for him not respecting that your children shouldn't have this circus pitching up at the new house you've had to move to to accommodate them. As the saying goes; not my monkey(s), not my circus.

I can't stand adults who expect someone else to foot the bill, grifters! (I very much mean able bodied and minded people, I am all for societal safety nets!)

This happened to my friends mother. Her partner moved in, and lived there for nearly ten years when she died. She made a provision for him to live there until he could secure a new home. He never did and stayed there until the age of 94 when he died.

He gave her the family home apparently, that sounds like a lot up front (depending on mortgage/equity situation)

@UnderCou - are you expecting your partner to join you in your adventurous retirement plans? Who will be paying? How will he be living when he's not round at yours enjoying your food/heat/hot water?

Oh ha ha, yeah right, he's after a live in housekeeper with a purse. Pleased to see you are going to say no. Why are his daughters not going to work, can't stand lazy fuckers and people who encourage them to be lazy. The government shouldn't be giving out benefits to healthy adults who are able to work anyway.

I think you’re right to stay as you are OP.
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 9 years. In that time his kids have moved out with their partners, but mine are still teens (one at uni, one age15). I have no intention of living with my partner until both my kids have moved out.

You sound very sensible. Stick with the original plan.
His dc will move out and get homes eventually. He could downsize to a cheaper flat maybe .
I have a few friends who don't live with their partners and they seem to get on very well .

@UnderCou I can see that his way could lead to an awful lot of resentment. From experience, you could also be in the odd situation where you want to do some things, he may say he can’t afford it, you offer timo pay and so on. The situation with his kids, if they choose not to work, just won’t sit well with your values and be another source of resentment. And, you have worked hard and paid into your pension and he is not in anywhere near the same position. I would definitely not be upsizing in your position.

@BookGoblin sorry I mentioned up thread thar his dc aren't going to uni, they won't be in education beyond 18. I think most 16+ year old work part time and 18+ full time, he gifted his equity in the family house so not sure why they'd also need me to house them?

see, men like this never think they are cocklodgers - they never think they are bad people. From his point of view:

he split with his children’s mother, but he was generous, he gave her the house and took no equity from it. She didn’t work, but he made sure his girls didn’t go without, he would rather he went without than they did. So no, he hasn’t built up savings or a pension because everything he had he funnelled to his girls. What a selfless and kind man he is.

people who love each other share and take care of each other, so hey, his new girlfriend should share her money and her equity and take care of him, because he’s a great guy who gave up all he has for his kids.

from the OPs perspective, she’s being asked to sacrifice her own financial security to fund his lifestyle. She’s being asked to reduce her kids lifestyle to make up for him refusing to reduce his kids lifestyle over the years.

Men like this never think they are the bad guy, and often they aren’t bad cynical people trying to get what they can from someone else, they just accidentally always start dating more solvent women when they get closer to a poor retirement.

How would you feel about the idea that if you go along with his plan, and God forbid, you die, he would be in the house you paid for, possibly with his DC at the expense of your own kids?

I’d either wait until your children are older and keep the current arrangement. Or at some point rent a home together and rent out your house that way you have your back up plan.

Doesn’t seem to be much in the deal for you OP.
I’d tell him you don't want any moving in until your youngest is at least out of education - that’ll give you 6+ years to think about it!

He gifted them his future security and pension? And now has to find a replacement, so he can also gift your house and assets, whilst setting himself up for a nice, easy expenses paid retirement.
He must think you are an absolute mug op.

What does he bring to your life that counters all of this cfuckery?

He is feathering the nests of his offspring at the expense of yours.

I would be out of this relationship 💨op he will be taking advantage in others ways I am sure of it.

Are your own kids likely to go on to university @UnderCou because if he moves in any income he does have is counted as household income for the purpose of calculating what they would be entitled to by way of maintenance loan. So even his minimal income could take money from them as no doubt he would not match what they lose!

Don’t do this it does sound like you are their meal ticket and why all the disruption for your sons.
My mum found a new partner when she was in her 60’s he moved in with her, kept his place but she paid for everything to do with her place (of course this is fair but what about all the wear and tear and maintenance and so on) he kept very careful records so every loaf of bread and piece of cheese was split between them. Very traditional relationship so she cooked no cleaned and he carved the Sunday roast. Of course when he died he left her nothing (absolutely his right of course) and she was entitled to nothing because they weren’t married. However she was pretty upset to discover that he had lots of money and wouldn’t have noticed at all if he had chipped in for the electricity bill or treated her to the odd meal out.

I am laughing so much at his nerve. He wants you to extend your house or buy a bigger one so that his children can live there with him? What on earth is in that for you? Honestly, your finances don't align at all and neither do your values. I'm like you, I can't see why teenagers don't have part-time jobs. It's the best preparation for working life they can have. I would lose respect for this man and wouldn't want to continue seeing him.

Trust your trusty head and your gut instinct which knows what you want from life!!

Don't get derailed by a man and his needs at this stage. Sounds like you'd be giving up a lot of independence and stability and setting yourself backwards a decade at least.

You don't need him. That may be tough for him to realise but it's true. He needs you to facilitate an improved lifestyle for himself and his girls. But you don't need him and shouldn't compromise. Save your spare cash for setting up your own children in life when they are young adults.

You lived apart until his kids reached 18, yours deserved the same consideration

I think this is the important factor, you are heading into the challenging teen years and your DC don't need this change.

Once his DC are 18 his best option would be to save money so that he has a more positive retirement. Does he have a decent job?

Also, you don't sound like you're madly in love with him either.

Why be with him, then? Is it out of habit? Or do you feel responsible for him after all?

You sound really wise & the best chance of this being a long term relationship is if he stays where he is & you stay where you are.

I’d recommend you suggest keeping to your current arrangements. Your younger child is only 12. They need continuity of their family unit while still living at home. Suggest that once he stops paying maintenance, he sets aside that money as savings for the future. Don’t make any promises, but indicate that you dine want to live together for the next 6 to 8 years.

If you’re planning on staying in this relationship then I’d suggest saying to him that you’ll review living arrangements once your youngest is 18. That avoids any upheaval for your kids through exams, gives him a chance to save some money once his maintenance payments stop, and gives his daughters a few years to grow up.

It may be that, by then, the daughters have good careers/jobs and are supporting and living by themselves and he’s sorted out his finances so has a plan that doesn’t rely on you funding it. If he’s not sorted himself out by then then he never will. You don’t want to end up being a “nurse with a purse” (excellent Mumsnet phrase!)