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Original poster

To struggle with the future he's suggesting?

272 replies

UnderCou · 15/12/2024 06:47

I've been with partner for around 6 years. We both live apart with our teenage dc from previous relationships.

My dc are 12 and 14, his dc are 17 and 18. Soon he'll stop the payments to his ex (once both 18). He currently rents a small house and his dds share a room when they stay. He has no assets and minimal savings, due to his age, buying a house would be tricky (no deposit and mid 50s).

I live in a house with my two dc, I've been paying off the mortgage for the last twenty years and all in own name. It will be paid off by 60.

He has asked whether, once over 18, I'd consider extending or moving to a slightly bigger house so his young adult dds can share a room, with him moving in as well. This would be so we could live together.

I can understand that he may like them to stay over, rather than just seeing them for lunch etc. However I suspect I'd have most of the costs of this and I don't want the upheaval of my dc.

His dds are lovely and I get on well with them, but there's a difference in values, for example they don't have part time jobs, he cleans up after them a lot etc. I'm not convinced that he will insist they get jobs at 18. I fear ending up being responsible for housing a lot of people when I'm in my 50s and looking to start winding down from a hectic working life.

He's a great dad, but I suspect the only realistic future we have is living apart. Am I being unusual in not wanting all the upheaval to live together?

OP posts:
Alittlebitfluffy · 15/12/2024 09:53

Don't do this. Benefits him and his family and inconvenience and upheaval for you. Keep your current arrangement.

Honeycrisp · 15/12/2024 09:53

LameBorzoi · 15/12/2024 07:56

I'm not sure you actually can really afford it.

You have a house that will be paid off by 60. He's asking you to take on a bigger financial commitment, at no apparent benefit to you.

Most people sail through their 60s without any big issues, but new health issues popping up is common enough that I wouldn't want to take on unnecessary financial risk / be paying off debt in my 60s.

You will also have the costs of your own two kids - housing / training etc.

Hom moving in should be of benefit to both of you. As it is, it just sounds like a risk / burden from your perspective.

Show quote history

Agree. I'm not sure you can really afford it either. Not if you think about the term 'afford' holistically. You already have a mortgage that'll last into your 60s, with no real wiggle room as a sole earner. He wants you to house three more people, and you're the only one of the six who's a currently known, bankable earner. That's actually a lot.

dudsville · 15/12/2024 09:54

It sounds like a sad situation. I don't know if you love him, but your trajectories don't align. You have some funds, but not enough to support him and his family and continue to have the lifestyle you've worked for.

BookGoblin · 15/12/2024 09:54

Bloody hell why is he stopping maintenance at 18 thus letting their mum shoulder everything?

That's hideous.

AngelinaFibres · 15/12/2024 09:55

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 09:40

I think it’s a good point.
Why are you with him at all?
You sound strong, stable and intelligent and yet you have chosen such a poor choice for the future.
Surely if you end things now you will have the option of meeting someone new that is better aligned and can join you in your adventures?

This. He sounds like one of life's blobs. No oomph, no drive. You won't be travelling and socialising when you are older because he won't be able to afford it and then he'll be doing 'pathetic puppy eyes ' at you until you pay. He sounds very unattractive.

TeapotCollection · 15/12/2024 09:55

Another vote for fuck that!

Cheeky fucking cocklodger! Seriously OP don’t even think about it

TunipTheVegimal24 · 15/12/2024 09:56

PLUS, it's hardly loves young dream either, to be all 'Darling! Let's move in together!"

"Why? So we can commit to each other, spend every second together, build a life around each other??"

"No Darling - I want a spare bedroom for when my teenage daughters stay over. A bit of financial security would be nice, too."

napody · 15/12/2024 09:56

UnderCou · 15/12/2024 07:18

Thanks. He gets on well with my dc who see him about once a week but we have quite a good arrangement of visiting each other.

I dont want any upheaval for my dcs who are coming up to GCSE. My life plans also include paying off my mortgage and stepping back, the idea of a new mortgage or extending my house to accommodate more adults sounds stressful.

As he has no assets, he may pay some rent but I suspect I'd have to pay pretty much all costs. I'm more of a 'head' than 'heart' person so this doesn't work for me. It would be different if we would be downsizing to retire together to a little cottage etc.

Good on you for being more of a head than heart person here. YANBU at all. You've worked hard with the plan of stepping back from work. Honestly, how dare he suggest it... has he shown any consideration of how it'd affect you, your life, plans and children?

Alittlebitfluffy · 15/12/2024 09:57

UnderCou · 15/12/2024 09:09

@scoobs321 thanks that's very interesting. From my own perspective I like peace and quiet and want my life to get easier as I get older, his suggestion would do the opposite.

Of course it's nothing to do with me what his dc do. They are very nice but us all living together wouldn't work. Plus not fair on my dc.

Regarding his pension, I think he will need someone to live with, he's OK as long as he's working but he'll end up on pension credit or similar. My situation is very different, I'm 'lucky' in that I have a comfortable pension built up over decades and will have paid off my mortgage. Hopefully I'll be able to travel and socialise and enjoy my retirement, health permitting.

And he knows this and sees you a his meal ticket....

I hope this relationships has some positives you aren't listing! If not please think about if this is an equal playing field.

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 09:57

Jimjamssy · 15/12/2024 09:49

He may have zero money but he's not completely stupid.
Like most leeches he is carefully planning on the nearest vaginas to fund him and his children.

Don't be that mug.

Quite. You might find once you pull the plug on this plan he loses interest and then you will know this was the focus of the relationship in the first place.
I probably wouldn’t hang around that long tbh! I would be freeing myself of the cocklodging baggage to enjoy the next chapter fully!

napody · 15/12/2024 09:58

Irridescantshimmmer · 15/12/2024 09:41

Trust your own instincts OP, you are on the right track.

He's got little to lose and everything to gain and you have everything to lose and nothing to gain.

Well put.

TR888 · 15/12/2024 09:59

Are you already shouldering most of the financial burden in this relationship, OP? If so, perhaps you need to reconsider things now and not in a hypothetical future.

You don't need a crisis to break with him now.

TheignT · 15/12/2024 09:59

Catapaulting · 15/12/2024 07:56

I know he’s not legally required to pay maintenance one the kids are 18, but it’s not like they suddenly stop costing anything. How does he justify that?

He probably thinks they will get jobs.

MikeRafone · 15/12/2024 10:01

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 15/12/2024 09:36

For those saying it’s bad he’d stop paying maintenance once both his DDs are over 18, did you miss they aren’t in education? As long as their mother knows that CM will stop at 18 unless they are in full time education, I’m not sure why that would be seen as a problem.

As long as they are working and supporting themselves it isn't a problem - but if they are still in education then the cost still needs to be shared

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 10:02

TheignT · 15/12/2024 09:59

He probably thinks they will get jobs.

Show quote history

Does he? I fear he knows they won’t and is devising a plan B in the shape of op bankrolling some security for them and for himself.

Bluestarling · 15/12/2024 10:03

You're in a good situation. Why jeopardize it to live with a man ? Just thinking about the financial risk and potential aggravation if it went pear shaped, should make you shudder.

MrRobinsonsQuango · 15/12/2024 10:03

PandoraSox · 15/12/2024 09:35

He has plans to cocklodge, doesn't he? Don't do it OP.

I think it’s more like a cocklodger+ situation. Where it’s him and his 2 children! Which is even worse

Enterthedragonqueen · 15/12/2024 10:04

No sharing or buying a house with a partner because your kids will ose their inheritance. I'd transfer the house into a trust for your children once you are mortgage free. He is seeing you as a cash cow and you'll have more to lose if you follow his plan.

He can use the money he saves once his child maintenance payments ends to upgrade to a larger rental property himself. This way his kids have their own rooms & if the relationship ends then he has his own space already.

Shitgift · 15/12/2024 10:05

Bollocks to that.

viques · 15/12/2024 10:05

juicelooseabootthishoose · 15/12/2024 07:38

His plan to withdraw financial support for two teens still living at home should be a massive red flag to you. Their mum is going to be left covering this solo.

This shows you something about his attitude to women and money and fairness.

This exactly. At 18 they certainly won’t be launching straight into well paid work so they can be financially independent, they will still need support from both their parents. He seems far more concerned about securing his own future home comforts than about kicking his poorly prepared kids out into the world.

What do you think would happen to your own kids if you were to die before him and he had his feet under the table in your house, I can see a scenario where he refuses to leave or demands a financial settlement to do so. If you really must share your life with this selfish man then keep things as they are and also make it very clear that he is not included financially in your will.

Nothatgingerpirate · 15/12/2024 10:06

pestoblush · 15/12/2024 07:03

No way financially or domestically is this a god option for you. Put yourself first. Don’t do it.

👍

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 10:06

Enterthedragonqueen · 15/12/2024 10:04

No sharing or buying a house with a partner because your kids will ose their inheritance. I'd transfer the house into a trust for your children once you are mortgage free. He is seeing you as a cash cow and you'll have more to lose if you follow his plan.

He can use the money he saves once his child maintenance payments ends to upgrade to a larger rental property himself. This way his kids have their own rooms & if the relationship ends then he has his own space already.

Edited

Good advice.
You can pay off your mortgage op. Downsize alone, and put the cottage in the children’s trust. Thus hopefully avoiding inheritance tax but also safe guarding their futures. People do get dementia and other illnesses that are seized on by bad operators

Your security into older age is imperative.

calmandcollected101 · 15/12/2024 10:07

Enterthedragonqueen · 15/12/2024 10:04

No sharing or buying a house with a partner because your kids will ose their inheritance. I'd transfer the house into a trust for your children once you are mortgage free. He is seeing you as a cash cow and you'll have more to lose if you follow his plan.

He can use the money he saves once his child maintenance payments ends to upgrade to a larger rental property himself. This way his kids have their own rooms & if the relationship ends then he has his own space already.

Edited

Great advice

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 15/12/2024 10:07

So you're a financially secure woman with your financial future planned & secure.
He has no security ( in terms of a home) & wants you to out your security on the line for him

Say your house is worth £100
You have £60 of equity and will own it in full when you reach 60
To do what he wants you need to move to a £150 house
Split the costs equally so a £75 mortgage each. You have £60 equity so will have a £15 mortgage v his £75 mortgage.
All the household costs will be split equally
But how long until he argues that this is unfair because he has a larger mortgage
& if you want a new kitchen but he doesn't, how does that work out?
What if your kids hate him?
What if his kids are difficult?
What if he turns out to be a lazy slib who does nothing around the house?

And what happens if you split up? Or one of you dies?
You own half a house and partners kids own the other half
Your joint house is now worth £200 but the house you left is worth £140, so you can't buy it with your £100 from the joint house sale & end up homeless or in a too small place or moving area.

Keep your own place & let him keep his.

MrRobinsonsQuango · 15/12/2024 10:08

UnderCou · 15/12/2024 09:09

@scoobs321 thanks that's very interesting. From my own perspective I like peace and quiet and want my life to get easier as I get older, his suggestion would do the opposite.

Of course it's nothing to do with me what his dc do. They are very nice but us all living together wouldn't work. Plus not fair on my dc.

Regarding his pension, I think he will need someone to live with, he's OK as long as he's working but he'll end up on pension credit or similar. My situation is very different, I'm 'lucky' in that I have a comfortable pension built up over decades and will have paid off my mortgage. Hopefully I'll be able to travel and socialise and enjoy my retirement, health permitting.

Does he describe it as “lucky”? It’s more making good decisions. Whereas he has made some unwise decisions and now they are coming home to roost -as they normally always do

Sounds like a nightmare with ultimately 6 adults most likely ending up living together. A lot of space (and expense!) needed so you aren’t on top of each other and driving each other mad. It doesn’t sound like the other 3 would be paying their fair share. It would be a no from me. Continue with the original idea plan