Partner is a stay at home dad and annoyed I am going back to work part time after having our third because I am sole earner

[Whattodo3094]

I (F30) was a stay at home mum when me and my boyfriend (M30) had our first 2 children (D7 and D5). My partner worked, mostly part time, but he supported us. When our second (D5) turned 2 I happened to see a job opening in a place I had always wanted to work so applied and got it. It was full time and D5 was still 2 so in nursery part time so to avoid all the extra fees and everything else, my partner became a stay at home dad. I had no issue with this at all, it honestly felt fair and I was happy he'd get to spend more time with our girls.

He had all these ideas about how he would be so proactive in the house and with our kids when being a stay at home dad but for the most part that hasn't really been the reality. Don't get me wrong, he cooks everyday, he cleans..sometimes, he does school runs etc, but he has 5 hours a day when the kids are in school when he could be sorting the house out and he just doesn't. I have to be on him constantly to be doing things in the house. But anyway.

We are now having a third. He's been a stay at home dad for 3 years now and I have been supporting us working full time and none of it has really been a problem. When D5 started school full time I mentioned him going back to work part time but any time it is brought up, he insists it would be really hard to find something that would work around school times. To be fair, he doesn't drive and I can't do school runs because of my job, but he hasn't exactly looked. Other parents manage to work around their kids school hours..

Since getting pregnant, I mentioned wanting to go back part time so I can spend more time with the baby. He already insisted that taking off the year of maternity I'm entitled to would be a bad decision because of how it would make my work view me as an employee or whatever - honestly I love my job and didn't want to take a year anyway. My plan was 6 months and then go back part time. He's annoyed about the going back part time because it'll obviously affect us financially but he still refuses to even consider getting a job! He says that he doubts he'd find something for the days I'd be off work and still thinks it would be hard to find something that works around school times other wise.

I'm honestly just so frustrated with the whole situation. He wants me to take the 6 months and then go back to work full time but I just think I might struggle not having any transition period considering I had 2 years at home with our last and that's already being cut down to 6 months!

My work also said that I had 2 options when going back. Full time in the same position with slightly more responsibility for slightly more pay, or part time with higher responsibility and higher hourly wage (but obvs will still work out less money overall). I thought the higher paid part time option was perfect and went with that because it's exactly what I wanted. But he's now just annoyed with me. I don't even know what to say at this point.

He honestly is an amazing partner in so many ways. I have massively struggled with my mental health over the last few years (hormonal issues, things coming up from my past, depression, I recently lost my adopted mum after a horrible fight with cancer) and he has been my absolute rock. So supportive and always there for me in every way that I need. I think it's why I am so annoyed at this whole situation. He's being unreasonable and it seems to be that he just doesn't want to work. But did he think he'd never have to go back to work? If we hadn't gotten pregnant again, did he think he'd be a stay at home dad until they were in secondary school?! I just don't get the mentality.

Honestly, any advice would be appreciated. I don't even know what I'm looking for, just to be heard I guess.

Be glad you never got married. I'd just leave, take the kids, don't expect any maintenance and leave it to him to sort access. He won't.

Yes…won’t you get childcare top ups if he works at least 16 hours per week?

Clearly you are not being unreasonable OP, he seems to have got used to a time he can spend by himself and not do too much around the home. However, he is thinking that a 3rd child gives him even longer to be a SAHD now. I think you need to block some time when the kids are not around and have a full discussion about it. Don't let him shut the conversation down - prepare your points and concerns. Try not to make it confrontational, but try to be constructive about long term plans and goals for your family (own home, fund for education when they are older, how you are both preparing for retirement etc).

This won't be a popular suggestion but I want to mention it: if you love him and want to stay together. Have you thought about really working on your career and maximising your earning opportunities whilst he remains a SAHD? I say this because I have honestly had a great career which was really lucrative for us as a family but I have worked a lot, and DP really helped by being at home as I never had to worry about childcare? Maybe just think about that as I have found a full on career very rewarding, but of course he has to go back to work at some stage, even if it is part time.

It sounds like a very miserable way to live, barely scraping by.
You aspire to more @Whattodo3094 which is admirable and not surprising given your circumstances, but you've chosen a partner who doesn't aspire to more.
The issue is yours I'm afraid, it's you who will have to adjust your expectations. Yes it's possible (where both parties are willing) in a relationship to address/change minor niggles, but to change someone's entire outlook (and he's at the extreme end of unideal - he doesn't drive, he doesn't work/want to work, he's intrinsically lazy) is for the fairies! You must know this?
Hoping a man will change once they're married/a Father/forced is a tale as old as time. Men like this don't change, indeed they generally double down.

But how can OP trust that he would be taking the baby to baby groups, rather than gaming whilst the little one is sat on the side, without any interaction?

I think you need to make it a fait accompli. So tell him that you have accepted to work part time after taking 6 months maternity leave. Once he has processed this information he will surely realise that he needs to get a job. It can be weekends, evenings of in between school hours. If he is hoping to get his driving licence in January then that will no longer be an excuse.

You love him and he has good qualities (as well as bad) so I get why you wouldn't want to leave him, it wouldn't make your life any easier to do it alone anyway.
I think you need to change your mindset somewhat. It's more doable to change your self and work with the situation you are in. It comes down to going part time as a mum is a luxury that only people of certain means can do, and you don't have that. It's not a right as a mother. I would love to have gone part time, but have worked full time all my life as a single parent and went back to work full time when I was with DS's father, because it made financial sense. I took 6 months off, as mat pay was not as long and 9 months was the max in those days. That's just doing the necessary. I think you should accept that as your lot for now.
The issue is that he is not pulling his weight as a SAHD, this is what needs sorting, a stern talking to, and a proper plan. He needs structure to his day, and training to be better, unfortunately. You possibly have some incentive over him to do this though. Dangle the carrot of if he pulls his weight from now and throughout matleave with housework, the deal is you will go back full time, if he comes up short, part time it is. Then make a chore list up that he has to accomplish on a daily basis.
If you are relying on him for contraception and there's any chance he could sabbototage it to get out of working, take responsibility for that yourself, either coil or hormonal methods if you can.

I was on the pill. Taking it religiously.

I was on the coil for years but ended up having lots of issues with it towards the end so switched to the pill which I was taking as I should. I'm terrible with remembering stuff so I had an alarm on my phone every single day for it.

A chore list would be a good idea.

could you give him an ultimatum to get a job? he cannot be getting away with, it's not fair on you

@Volumedelachanel

ultimatums only work if you’re willing to follow them through

A chore list? He's a grown fucking adult.

He doesn't need a career at this stage. He just needs an income to help support his family. A soon to be family of 5 in a 2 bedroom property. Does he not want better for his family? For his kids? For himself?

He has a history of care work, he could probably walk into any care job and negotiate hours to fit around yours - evenings, weekends, overnights - if he wanted to.

He could have looked at any retail Christmas temp roles, if he wanted to.

The thing is, he doesn't want to. And it's your kids that are going to suffer as a result.

Whatever you do, do not marry this man...

Absolutely! he is acting like an unemployed teenage son at home, rather than as a partner and soon-to-be father of three.

He is unemployed.

he’s a grown man, he shouldn’t need you to do a chore list OP @Whattodo3094

OP, you may not be able to full accept it but he's a total lazy gamer loser.

He's really no prize and your poor children will grow up knowing it.

How good women like you find such wasters appealing is really sad.

Is this what you want your sons to model?
Is this the type of loser you want your daughters to settle for?

He's a selfish lazy loser who is angry his work horse is pushing back.

You will come to bitterly regret your tolerating this.

You and your children deserve so much better.

Exactly. Not being funny but I’d work part time and let him figure it out. Once he sees the household is struggling on the part time wage, I’d be saying, ‘well I did tell you this would happen. I’m not going back to full time and you need to get a job. I’ve just had a fucking baby!!’

But he won’t, will he? He’ll sit there on his arse playing his stupid games and ignoring the baby. That’s what my ex did when he begged me to be a SAHD. These men see it as an opportunity for Me Time.

The truth is he’d rather exist on a minimal income and stay at home doing sweet FA and playing games like some pathetic teen. The more I read, the more I think you should consider taking your full 12 months maternity leave then kicking him out. A PP suggested you leave but you can’t because you risk him being awarded residency as he’s been the primary carer. Think about yourself and factor him out of the equation whether you want to dump him or not. Why should you go out to work and spend time away from your baby so he can sit there playing fucking Warhammer? Find your anger.

True, true

Agree!

Also, @LuckySantangelo35 , I'm a big fan of yours!

No he doesn't drink or smoke luckily. And I don't think he has an issue with manual work at all, it's just that he has either convinced himself that the hours he has to work around are actually impossible (despite me explaining over and over that single parents a dual working parents manage it all the time) or it really is just an excuse.

Either way, it's going to be addressed.

... He honestly is an amazing partner in so many ways...

... So supportive and always there for me in every way that I need...

Apart from the obvious one of actually listening to you, taking on board what you are saying and working with you to support you and your family's needs going forward. Not so amazing after all?

I think there are probably many men who feel like this about their wives who ‘opt out’ of working even when the kids are at school plus are expected to still do 50% at home when there, because ‘that’s only fair’. The responses on here are vastly different when it’s a woman defending the fact she doesn’t work despite having kids at school.
He’s opted out. Millions of women do the same. I agree with you though, in my opinion it’s not fair/equal/responsible but I feel the same whether it’s a man or a woman!

I do think that long term I could have been happy with working on my career and being the sole earner, but it still comes back to the house. He just doesn't do enough to justify letting him continue like this. I don't want to have to think about doing housework at all if he's not working and also having the whole school day to himself.

And in the short term, for the next year at the absolute very least, he needs to be working. Maternity pay is depressingly low so we'll have to cut back to bare minimum spending to get through if he doesn't and I honestly don't know if it will work because I looked over our budget 6 months ago and things are already more expensive now than they were then.

But also, if he continues working we will have a chance to actually save and get a deposit together.

Good luck with the conversation OP

You have to be crystal clear and keep turning it back to him:

I am taking minimum 6 months to be with the baby, then going back part time
You need to work whilst I'm on mat leave - what are you applying for?
Once I know my part time hours, we can review what hours you work in future (zero not an option!)
Shall I leave you a chore list for the next few weeks to cover 2-3 hours of your day?
How do you plan to contribute going forward? Money and chores
What are your plans to enable us to buy a house?

After DH was made redundant for the 3rd time and I was working odd hours/away a lot, we decided he would be a sahd.
However the deal was he did all cleaning - bathrooms, kitchen, hoovering, dusting, laundry, ironing, car, garden, diy, school runs

I do the shopping (because I like it!) we split the cooking and I do admin

He needs to grow up and step up. You want to be looking after 3 kids, not 4...

@Volumedelachanel

😀