Partner is a stay at home dad and annoyed I am going back to work part time after having our third because I am sole earner

[Whattodo3094]

I (F30) was a stay at home mum when me and my boyfriend (M30) had our first 2 children (D7 and D5). My partner worked, mostly part time, but he supported us. When our second (D5) turned 2 I happened to see a job opening in a place I had always wanted to work so applied and got it. It was full time and D5 was still 2 so in nursery part time so to avoid all the extra fees and everything else, my partner became a stay at home dad. I had no issue with this at all, it honestly felt fair and I was happy he'd get to spend more time with our girls.

He had all these ideas about how he would be so proactive in the house and with our kids when being a stay at home dad but for the most part that hasn't really been the reality. Don't get me wrong, he cooks everyday, he cleans..sometimes, he does school runs etc, but he has 5 hours a day when the kids are in school when he could be sorting the house out and he just doesn't. I have to be on him constantly to be doing things in the house. But anyway.

We are now having a third. He's been a stay at home dad for 3 years now and I have been supporting us working full time and none of it has really been a problem. When D5 started school full time I mentioned him going back to work part time but any time it is brought up, he insists it would be really hard to find something that would work around school times. To be fair, he doesn't drive and I can't do school runs because of my job, but he hasn't exactly looked. Other parents manage to work around their kids school hours..

Since getting pregnant, I mentioned wanting to go back part time so I can spend more time with the baby. He already insisted that taking off the year of maternity I'm entitled to would be a bad decision because of how it would make my work view me as an employee or whatever - honestly I love my job and didn't want to take a year anyway. My plan was 6 months and then go back part time. He's annoyed about the going back part time because it'll obviously affect us financially but he still refuses to even consider getting a job! He says that he doubts he'd find something for the days I'd be off work and still thinks it would be hard to find something that works around school times other wise.

I'm honestly just so frustrated with the whole situation. He wants me to take the 6 months and then go back to work full time but I just think I might struggle not having any transition period considering I had 2 years at home with our last and that's already being cut down to 6 months!

My work also said that I had 2 options when going back. Full time in the same position with slightly more responsibility for slightly more pay, or part time with higher responsibility and higher hourly wage (but obvs will still work out less money overall). I thought the higher paid part time option was perfect and went with that because it's exactly what I wanted. But he's now just annoyed with me. I don't even know what to say at this point.

He honestly is an amazing partner in so many ways. I have massively struggled with my mental health over the last few years (hormonal issues, things coming up from my past, depression, I recently lost my adopted mum after a horrible fight with cancer) and he has been my absolute rock. So supportive and always there for me in every way that I need. I think it's why I am so annoyed at this whole situation. He's being unreasonable and it seems to be that he just doesn't want to work. But did he think he'd never have to go back to work? If we hadn't gotten pregnant again, did he think he'd be a stay at home dad until they were in secondary school?! I just don't get the mentality.

Honestly, any advice would be appreciated. I don't even know what I'm looking for, just to be heard I guess.

‘He said taking off the year of maternity I'm entitled to would be a bad decision because of how it would make my work view me as an employee or whatever.’

This is quite manipulative and shows he’s not making plans for the wellbeing of the family as a whole, just making things up, whatever will support him not working.

We’ve always found ways to get around the school hours thing - after school vlubs, breakfast clubs, nurseries and childminder for baby. There are so many options if you want to do it.

As you should be, it’s totally unfair for you to carry the load.

Soon, his excuse will be that he has been out of the workforce for too long and he can’t work at all.

You are doing exactly the right thing addressing it now before your beautiful baby arrives. He needs to start caring for you.

As shes said multiple times, she's going to part time whether he has a job or not. 2 adults and 3 children on one average part time wage is ridiculous. .

OP you can't afford to go part time unless he gets a job. You'll have to take minimum maternity and go back full time.

Exactly. Me too. I found something on our local FB page to do for 2 hours per day once our youngest got their free nursery hours. Then I found a proper PT job with an employer once the youngest started school. Then found a FT job once the youngest went to secondary.

You need to shut down the argument that he has to find work that fits round drop off and pick up - before and after school care exists so if he works 7 hours and 1 hour of that pay goes on a breakfast club payment, then as a family you are still “up” on the deal.

(Even better if you can get one day WFH and can use your lunch break to do drop off and pick up)

I am always reluctant with armchair advice but is there any chance he might have undiagnosed ADHD? It isn’t just that he doesn’t do the housework it could be more that he does see it. (My husband is a saint but the fact I don’t see mess is a sore point).

It would also fit the gaming, gaming fills a need for simulation and is very very addictive. As would being intelligent and not being able to finish his degree. Which can then lead to feeling of failure.

With thousands of thoughts buzzing around you head it sometimes very hard to pick one out and action it and it is easy to become overwhelmed, which does look like laziness.

I’m a teacher and put off jobs I find boring (which to me is the worst type of task) until the absolute last minute. But it will get done, if someone stepped in I would happily pass it all over to them. Could similar be happening to the housework?

Not seen any bashing. I was just stating facts so OP was aware and also might be able to use it to motivate her partner.

Warhammer is pretty expensive. You say you keep all the money. Do you give him an allowance?

I don't really get why you want to go part time at your age, when you want to buy a house. You're in your prime. It's your 40s when you start to feel knackered that part time will feel tempting.

I'm going to sound a bit harsh here, sorry. As a lazy person myself I do understand. But you don't seem lazy. So I'm going to say it.

It is not an option in life to choose to go part time and get more benefits. That isn't what benefits are for. Do you not see that? The state propping you up because you want to spend more time with your kids? It's not ok. What kind of example are you both setting for your kids?

It's not even that you hate your job. That, I've experienced and would understand. But you are choosing to cut your income, and your hours! At age 30! What is that about?

You both need a bop round the head honestly. I have always worked full time. I now have a 5 year old and I work full time. I took a year off for mat leave - possible because we both worked full time and have plenty of savings. We own our home. I pay less for my mortgage on a 400k house than you pay in rent. You are not being sensible. There is no prospect that you will own your own home, not ever.

Go to work full time and pay for wraparound care. My child goes to school club at 8am, and I pick her up at 5.30. She has a couple of days I get her at 4.30 because she does other activities.she is a happy well adjusted kid who is doing really well at school and we spend a lot of quality time at the weekends. I can afford clubs for her, holidays and she has a secure home. We are both putting into pensions, our future is uncertain but we do all we can to make it less so. I'll be able to afford for her to go to university or help her do whatever she wants to do. I work hard, I've done jobs I hated for years and years. It is not an option to just give up.

Rant time over. I think you've had some decent advice here about how to address this with him in a sensible way. But I do think you need a long think about your own life and what you want and your own part in this. I wish you all the best.

My wage will also be going up and part time doesn't exactly mean minimum hours. We haven't fully discussed the terms yet. It may be 4 days a week but they can't afford to pay me full time with the increased wage and I want the experience in a higher role rather than staying in the role I am now.

Me going to part time is again, why I am trying to get on top of this now for him to get a job preferably now but before my maternity leave ends 100%

I would be pissed off too. You're working like a slave, pregnant, will likely never own a house or assets for your children to inherit, just because he's addicted to gaming all day.

He's making excuses. He could easily get a job working from home, admin or customer care for local authority, for example.

I wonder if anyone else has said this.

If things continue like this and you eventually split, you could find that he is the main carer and you are paying him child maintenance.

With this is mind, I'd be looking at ways to get him back to work.

I'd probably start by telling him you're having the full year off then going back part time. In reality you don't have to do this. Send a very strong message that you will not continue to be the sole provider.

What will the financial repercussions of this be? Let them fall.

Tbh I wouldnt have had another child and I would ask him to get a vasectomy. Least he can do.
You say he's very good company but thats because his life is low stress and he's not working.

You said they offered you full time with an increased wage or this part time option. You chose part time.

He has no intention of getting a job. And if you think he's capable of looking after a young baby properly, I think you're crazy.

Definitely possibly. He's certainly capable but doesn't have the motivation. I like lots of lists and use my calendar for everything otherwise I can't keep track of anything either but he doesn't do anything like that. Having something like that could potentially help him, but regardless, I'm done with him being a sahp. It requires too much from me when I'm already working.

Him being a sahp should be taking things off my plate, not adding to my mental load.

A) why not take the full year maternity? Totally normal and your employer will not bat an eyelid or think of you any different. Important for you and your baby. Then you can go back FT if it works for you. Tell him you've dealt with pregnancy and birth and now it's his time to provide financially.
B) you could just tell him, as of X date I will be paying the rent and bills and nothing else and he'll have to make up his portion. You have to force his hand or he'll keep making excuses.

Not when you're already on UC and bringing a third child into it with a partner who will not work!

Also planning on going part time, knowing he won't work - what part of any of this is responsible?!

My mum went to work at night in a sausage factory when I was a kid. She used to drag me around in the day to clean factories. Life is a bit different now. But it instilled in me an idea that not working is not an option.

I see your post about it being a 4 day week potentially. I think I misunderstood your intention. I'm more angry about him tbh. He needs to sort his life out. Hope you have a decent talk with him today. Glad you are feeling more able to confront things 💪

I’m sorry but there are part time jobs within school hours that exist! And ones you don’t need any particular training to do.

When my youngest went to school, for a little while, I worked three days a week 9:30-3pm at a local boutique type store. It was great fun, actually. I took over from someone else who also had to have a job around the school run.

I have gone back to my other career now. But sometimes I think I’d like to go back to that - working in a bookshop etc in school hours!

But he could absolutely do something like this!

If you go back to work full time and he continues to do very little not even cleaning properly, you're going to rightly feel more and more resentful. If you go part time and spend your days 'off' cleaning and running round and struggling with money while he games and does bugger all you're going to rightly feel more and more resentful. Either way eventually you'll be done and by then you'll probably hate him. Seems unfathomable now, but that sort of thoughtless uncaring behaviour and the hurt and resentment it generates eats away at you and eats away at the love you feel. Eventually you're just left with the resentment and hurt and that turns into anger and you end up hating him. You'd be better off long term giving an ultimatum and if necessary walking away before you reach that point. Both working part time and having days you are home with baby and doing school run and childcare is much fairer. If and it's a big if this is a choice you can afford to make. I expect you'd still be left with the housework in that scenario. He isn't just being lazy, he is directly hurting you and this matters less to him then getting to game and getting his down time. He isn't a good partner. Would he consider couples therapy? Have you made it clear how he is harming you and your relationship? I expect you have many times and he's refusing to see it because them he'd have to change. Can't even say he's taking the home side of things off your shoulders, 2 kids at school and he's able bodied the house and garden and cooking should all be easy to manage in that time.

I’ll repeat myself read all her posts ALL of them.

The part time option would likely be for a year or so until I've had experience in the higher role. After that my plan is to see if they think they can afford for me to go back up to full time or look elsewhere with my year of experience.

I know it seems stupid to go to part time, but if he gets a job, we can get off UC anyway. I just want to experience my baby while he's small as I definitely won't be having anymore children (we didn't even plan for this one - failed contraception) and don't want to miss out just because my partner is being lazy.

I came on here for advice on I guess how to get through to my partner and I think I have enough to get my point across to him so that he will either understand he needs to get a job, or I need to make some big decisions about going forward.

He won't change though, you need to earn when you're young enough to, and if he doesn't get some experience now he won't even be able to when the kids have left school. He could work from home or do freelance dog walking or garden maintenance if he wants to work around you and the school run.

We discussed this when I found out I was pregnant and he is going to get a vasectomy and I think it's booked for next year though I will be asking him to confirm details and dates etc for it.

You can list all his good points as much as you like, but it doesn’t change the fact he’s a lazy so and so, and for me that would be the death of a marriage. My husband has a million good points, one of the main ones being he goes out and is the bread winner in our house hold (I work full time too but on a lower salary than him). There is no way in hell I’d be putting up with this shit if I were you.

If he is neurodivergent, you being done with it is not going to automatically change things unfortunately. There are some good books with techniques on how to get things done when you have ADHD that might help or medication