Partner is a stay at home dad and annoyed I am going back to work part time after having our third because I am sole earner

[Whattodo3094]

I (F30) was a stay at home mum when me and my boyfriend (M30) had our first 2 children (D7 and D5). My partner worked, mostly part time, but he supported us. When our second (D5) turned 2 I happened to see a job opening in a place I had always wanted to work so applied and got it. It was full time and D5 was still 2 so in nursery part time so to avoid all the extra fees and everything else, my partner became a stay at home dad. I had no issue with this at all, it honestly felt fair and I was happy he'd get to spend more time with our girls.

He had all these ideas about how he would be so proactive in the house and with our kids when being a stay at home dad but for the most part that hasn't really been the reality. Don't get me wrong, he cooks everyday, he cleans..sometimes, he does school runs etc, but he has 5 hours a day when the kids are in school when he could be sorting the house out and he just doesn't. I have to be on him constantly to be doing things in the house. But anyway.

We are now having a third. He's been a stay at home dad for 3 years now and I have been supporting us working full time and none of it has really been a problem. When D5 started school full time I mentioned him going back to work part time but any time it is brought up, he insists it would be really hard to find something that would work around school times. To be fair, he doesn't drive and I can't do school runs because of my job, but he hasn't exactly looked. Other parents manage to work around their kids school hours..

Since getting pregnant, I mentioned wanting to go back part time so I can spend more time with the baby. He already insisted that taking off the year of maternity I'm entitled to would be a bad decision because of how it would make my work view me as an employee or whatever - honestly I love my job and didn't want to take a year anyway. My plan was 6 months and then go back part time. He's annoyed about the going back part time because it'll obviously affect us financially but he still refuses to even consider getting a job! He says that he doubts he'd find something for the days I'd be off work and still thinks it would be hard to find something that works around school times other wise.

I'm honestly just so frustrated with the whole situation. He wants me to take the 6 months and then go back to work full time but I just think I might struggle not having any transition period considering I had 2 years at home with our last and that's already being cut down to 6 months!

My work also said that I had 2 options when going back. Full time in the same position with slightly more responsibility for slightly more pay, or part time with higher responsibility and higher hourly wage (but obvs will still work out less money overall). I thought the higher paid part time option was perfect and went with that because it's exactly what I wanted. But he's now just annoyed with me. I don't even know what to say at this point.

He honestly is an amazing partner in so many ways. I have massively struggled with my mental health over the last few years (hormonal issues, things coming up from my past, depression, I recently lost my adopted mum after a horrible fight with cancer) and he has been my absolute rock. So supportive and always there for me in every way that I need. I think it's why I am so annoyed at this whole situation. He's being unreasonable and it seems to be that he just doesn't want to work. But did he think he'd never have to go back to work? If we hadn't gotten pregnant again, did he think he'd be a stay at home dad until they were in secondary school?! I just don't get the mentality.

Honestly, any advice would be appreciated. I don't even know what I'm looking for, just to be heard I guess.

The wage difference between the slight increase at full time in my current position and wage increase of the increased position would mean that I wouldn't be earning much less in the part time position but it would allow me more time at home with the baby. And where I am only taking 6 months maternity leave, it'll mean that for what would have been the other half of my maternity leave, I'll still be able to be with the baby more but also working.

Underperforming educationally, struggling with house work and hyper-focusing on his hobby also made me think he might be neurodivergent e.g an ADHDer.

I was diagnosed with ADHD when my LO was a few years old. It explained a lot of struggles I had in the workplace and with housework. I now work flexibly in a self-employed student support role. I'm also completing a one-year post postgrad qualification that will double my income.

It might take him longer to find his career path, and he might always be rubbish at house work but being neurodivergent shouldn't prevent him from wanting to do the best for his family.

An action plan might help. E.g take low paid work to help family finances, seek ADHD diagnosis, when stable look at career coaching and additional qualifications of needed

Oh please why are we bringing neurodivergence into this? The man was working before, is capable of working, is cooking at home and looking after children. He hasn't once said that he feels unable to cope at work, he'd rather stay at home. Wouldn't we all if given the chance, to not have to work and have plenty of time for our hobbies?

It’s not ND to be addicted to gaming.

As others have said you and he also need to realise that these are your prime earning years.

You are only 30 - your thirties are when you really pick up the pace in terms of responsibility and earnings at work, usually before you have children. You’ve had kids young, and that’s fine, of course, but going part time at your age is going to really damage your opportunities of building a good career. You can’t afford to take your foot off the pedal now - you haven’t worked your way up the ladder high enough to allow it.

Being with your child is so important but so is being able to provide for that child. You aren’t a high earner and you’re still in the beginning stages of your career, which, respectfully, is not a particularly skilled one - you’re an office manager, so you’ve got no specific qualifications or experience that will make you particularly desirable or necessary to an employer. You also have three kids at the age of 30 and a history of part time work already - for a lot of employers this will ring alarm bells. Unfortunately women with young children are seen as unreliable and you do have to be realistic about that. Unless you have already built up a good reputation in your workplace prior to kids you will experience discrimination when job hunting. It’s not fair or right but it is the reality of our patriarchal world.

So think really carefully about your decisions here. If you want to own a home and build a good life for yourself and your kids, you need to be working full time after maternity leave and so does your boyfriend. You’re both far too young and healthy to be working part time or not at all and using state benefits to fund your lifestyles.

Advertise for him to mow lawns and take in ironing.
Times are flexible and can be arranged for when the kids are in school.
Buy a lawn mower and whipper snipper.
Other ways he could be his own boss:
Caring for other children in your home after school.
House cleaning.
Detailing cars.
Driving people to hospital appointments.
McDonalds shifts.
Stacking supermarket shelves.

He could do all or some of these for fifteen hours per week.

Please can we not excuse this man’s laziness and selfishness by saying he might have ADHD.

I suspect this is just another example of his laziness. It's not that he trusts you it's that he'll do the least he can get away with doing. He cooks, does school runs and after school and before school care and that seems to be pretty much it. He could work evenings or nights a couple times a week if school hours don't work. There are options, but he won't even try to look for work. He could look for a cleaning job, a lot of house cleaning jobs are done school hours. He could look for work mowing lawns, or evening work in hospitality or shelf stacking. He's not even trying, it's just excuses and leaving it up to you.

UC is (even if it is considered a pittance) enabling her DP to continue not to work. This is not what it is meant for.

Lots of us have actually worked for pittance and then also pay tax on this pittance to then have people claiming UC turn round and say it is shit and a pittance is what is wrong with the benefits system. It should not be used as a substitute to fund lifestyle choices of grown adults deciding they prefer not to work or work part time.

He thinks he's got you over a barrell with the school run situation, but you have to remove this barrier. I know very few people who can afford to do the school run twice a day - the vast majority rely on wraparound care. Having someone there before and after school everyday is a luxury we've never been able to afford with two middle earners, and it doesn't sound like you can afford it either.

Have a look on your kids school website- lots of schools are recruiting TAs part time. This would be perfect. He then has to explain why he can’t apply.

thing is, if he’s as disorganised as you think, he’s going to need help to find a job. As you’ve seen, a 8 month lead time until you had the baby wasn’t enough. Another 6 months he’ll just leave it and then be angry at 5.5 months that he’s not found the dream job and you won’t make his life easy by going back full time.

you need to be clear you will leave him if he doesn’t at least start applying for jobs.

He is not a stay at home dad op, he is simply unemployed.

He isn’t looking after anyone during the day. Or parenting. He is gaming and unemployed.

We doesn't want to work. That is your problem. He will always find an excuse.

Are you married?

If you separate I would definitely fear he would want to be the resident parent. He gets to stay home, live on benefits and get maintenance from you. Although if you take time off on maternity then he's technically not the one at home with the children.

So this twat is giving you a hard time for wanting to work part-time when he’s too lazy to work at all. Words fail me really. At least there wouldn’t a four kid because I couldn’t bring myself to shag this loser ever again..

If you really love each other and want your relationship to have a future, I think you should consider how you can both grow together.

It is quite possible that as you grow professionally and mature, you might also outgrow him. Does he want to grow, too?

Are there reasons you did a degree and he didn't? People might take time to figure out what they want to do with their life.

Some people enjoy doing a job in social care like my mother in law, for example, who had this role for her working life and loved it. Others would need something very different to feel motivated.

Maybe he needs to work out what he might want to do? Maybe he should get some career guidance.

Rather than just telling him he needs to get a job, it might be better to consider a path to a career. There are paid apprenticeships he could apply for, or he could even do a degree if he could find something he is interested in. You would need childcare, but in the long term for your family, pension provision, and ability to buy a house, this would be a better approach.

I gave up my career to look after my children when they were young. It was a profession that would have been difficult to re-enter after time away for various reasons. I wanted to retrain, and my exH said no, you can just get a job stacking shelves at the supermarket, we're not funding you to do another degree. I found his comments very demeaning and unhelpful and knew I wouldn't be happy if I did that.

I ended up leaving him for many more reasons than that. As a single parent, I worked part-time and also did a part masters degree, which gave me a new career.

I now have a full-time role in that field. I since remarried, and my DH earns twice as much as I do, but I still make a contribution to the household. I also feel that my working is worthwhile financially, but I also feel like I am doing something productive and contributing to the world.

Maybe if your DP felt he could do something he enjoys and make a contribution to society, he might feel differently about work. I think you need to discuss the future and think long term about what you both want. I can't imagine you being happy supporting him financially until retirement.

The question to ask him is how does he intend to afford a third baby.

The facts are….
You love him but you admit you can’t make him get a job. No job = no pension.
You love your job and they have offered you more money when you return after maternity. Hopefully, there’s a good pension scheme with that.
He provides the ideal child care for the moment, at no extra expense, he cooks and does some house work if you nag him. But you want to give time to your new baby so want part-time.
You don’t like his lack of career ambition but at least don’t have to pay nursery fees and wrap around care.
In five years time your child-care would be minimal. But he would find it even harder to get a job.
Given all the above facts, the burning question with another child on the way, is how to make ends meet. YANBU to want to go part time but is it feasible given he won’t step up.

You are in a bit of a fix OP as your new pregnancy has made you realise you might always have to support him and the family entirely on your own until your unborn baby is in school full time, - unless he suddenly gets some motivation to work. You are already starting to resent him.

Could two part-time jobs avoid nursery and wrap around care costs altogether and still bring in enough?
If you remained full-time would a part time job for him at the hospital cover full time nursery plus wrap around care costs?

Do the maths and present it to him. It’s his responsibility as well as yours to decide how best to afford another child. And how to keep a roof over your heads. And how to be secure for the future.
If he refuses to engage with financial planning as well as refusing to get a job, you will sadly know what sort of future to expect and what sort of changes to make to your life accordingly.

OP, I'm really sorry to hear about your losses. My DH was very similar to this when our child was small, except he did work. His work was a self-employed business that barely made any money and had him outside the house for long hours, so similar in that he was neither contributing much financially nor doing anything around the house.

I developed an autoimmune disease a year or two in- I can never know whether being under constant stress trying to do it all was the trigger, but I suspect it was. Living under this kind of pressure will take its toll on your physical and mental health, please do not allow it to continue.

My mistake was saying that I wanted him to get a proper job and pull his weight and then not following through. The ONLY thing that gave him a big enough kick up the backside was asking him to go to his mum's and saying come up with a plan to pull your weight, or it's divorce (and I really meant it). Like your partner, he didn't have a degree and was lamenting having fewer options. He found an apprenticeship in an industry that interested him (and, crucially, an industry that had plenty of job openings and good progression opportunities) and he's now got a qualification, working towards another alongside a decently paid full-time job.

I don't recommend attempting to spoon feed him. He needs to understand the stakes, and then bust a gut to work out what he's going to do. Coaching him through finding a job (beyond the normal support you'd give a partner) is not your responsibility and you've got enough on your to-do list. I would, though, underline to him that a house purchase will be permanently out of reach if you're a one-income household, a single income reduces your saving and mortgage borrowing capacity. Plus, he has no pension by the sounds of it. I'd be pointing out exactly how bleak things could look, with or without you, if he stays out of work much longer.

I'd set your boundary ('this is unacceptable, I need you to do xyz or xyz will happen') and then see what he does. But it's very difficult if you really will stay with him no matter what, because then he's got you over a barrel really. But I also sympathise- it took me a long time to get to the 'get a job or I'm leaving' stage, but i do wish I'd got there a couple of years sooner!

Why doesn’t he drive? Unless there’s a medical reason, that needs to be sorted out or you’ll end up doing everything. It sounds as though he’s enjoying a relaxing day and doesn’t want to work.

This is an excellent comment. Just getting by is stressful. You deserve to have a comfortable life OP, not just the bare minimum

It is the contrasting life and financial goals. OP is in a highly skilled role getting promotion after promotion. Her DP is happy to rent, never go on holiday, budget and remain on UC instead of getting a job.

I knew a couple in a similar situation. She had a well paid, high flying job and he wasn't that well qualified. He worked evenings and nights as a shelf stacker in a well known supermarket so he could do the school runs and sleep during the day. Their children are adults now and they have a fantastic lifestyle with early retirement for both of them. It can be done. Your DP just needs to grow up and accept his responsibilities. Good luck OP. Let us know how you get on

Haven't read the full thread. He should try and get Supermarket twilight hour shift, if he can't get a job in a school.

This is only about his motivation and that is very difficult to get someone to change.
Back years ago I became the SAHP. I took the view that it was now my job. So I took over everything ordinary cooking, cleaning, taking them to nursery or school. Appointments, (bloody grommets!). I still do the ironing and some cooking. It took me longer to learn than others did.
I looked after the cars DW still did the sewing. I found a part time job which was worthwhile eventually.
The DC went to Unis and they spoke to me all through the teen years.
It can be made to work but it is about his mindset.

How do your finances work? Is everything joint at the moment? I wonder if you cut off the gravy train whether he would change his mind.

Work weekends? Evenings?