Partner is a stay at home dad and annoyed I am going back to work part time after having our third because I am sole earner

[Whattodo3094]

I (F30) was a stay at home mum when me and my boyfriend (M30) had our first 2 children (D7 and D5). My partner worked, mostly part time, but he supported us. When our second (D5) turned 2 I happened to see a job opening in a place I had always wanted to work so applied and got it. It was full time and D5 was still 2 so in nursery part time so to avoid all the extra fees and everything else, my partner became a stay at home dad. I had no issue with this at all, it honestly felt fair and I was happy he'd get to spend more time with our girls.

He had all these ideas about how he would be so proactive in the house and with our kids when being a stay at home dad but for the most part that hasn't really been the reality. Don't get me wrong, he cooks everyday, he cleans..sometimes, he does school runs etc, but he has 5 hours a day when the kids are in school when he could be sorting the house out and he just doesn't. I have to be on him constantly to be doing things in the house. But anyway.

We are now having a third. He's been a stay at home dad for 3 years now and I have been supporting us working full time and none of it has really been a problem. When D5 started school full time I mentioned him going back to work part time but any time it is brought up, he insists it would be really hard to find something that would work around school times. To be fair, he doesn't drive and I can't do school runs because of my job, but he hasn't exactly looked. Other parents manage to work around their kids school hours..

Since getting pregnant, I mentioned wanting to go back part time so I can spend more time with the baby. He already insisted that taking off the year of maternity I'm entitled to would be a bad decision because of how it would make my work view me as an employee or whatever - honestly I love my job and didn't want to take a year anyway. My plan was 6 months and then go back part time. He's annoyed about the going back part time because it'll obviously affect us financially but he still refuses to even consider getting a job! He says that he doubts he'd find something for the days I'd be off work and still thinks it would be hard to find something that works around school times other wise.

I'm honestly just so frustrated with the whole situation. He wants me to take the 6 months and then go back to work full time but I just think I might struggle not having any transition period considering I had 2 years at home with our last and that's already being cut down to 6 months!

My work also said that I had 2 options when going back. Full time in the same position with slightly more responsibility for slightly more pay, or part time with higher responsibility and higher hourly wage (but obvs will still work out less money overall). I thought the higher paid part time option was perfect and went with that because it's exactly what I wanted. But he's now just annoyed with me. I don't even know what to say at this point.

He honestly is an amazing partner in so many ways. I have massively struggled with my mental health over the last few years (hormonal issues, things coming up from my past, depression, I recently lost my adopted mum after a horrible fight with cancer) and he has been my absolute rock. So supportive and always there for me in every way that I need. I think it's why I am so annoyed at this whole situation. He's being unreasonable and it seems to be that he just doesn't want to work. But did he think he'd never have to go back to work? If we hadn't gotten pregnant again, did he think he'd be a stay at home dad until they were in secondary school?! I just don't get the mentality.

Honestly, any advice would be appreciated. I don't even know what I'm looking for, just to be heard I guess.

@Whattodo3094 your part time plan seems right for you. He needs to hear that you both have to deal with this unplanned pregnancy, the new life and you both have to accept changes. You don’t want to work full-time any more; you doing so has allowed him years of a relatively low-stress life but now you need to reduce your stress for your health and so he needs to fill the gap.

It actually doesn’t matter that he doesn’t have a degree and you do; that’s just another excuse. Many people don’t have degrees. He just needs to think about what parts of the role he used to have, suited him and what didn’t. I’m sure having been in the healthcare environment he could get a foot back in the door and do a slightly different role and it would probably do him the world of good, too.

You said he was envious of friends who have bought a home - well, that can be something to work towards but he can’t leave it ALL on you.

Five people being kept on one part-time wage and UC. Bloody brilliant.

Agree with @2025istheyear

He doesn't want to work as he now games from 9.30-2.30 every day. He is worried that if you are home on maternity leave you will disrupt his gaming.

I think he is expecting UC to top up. I don't think this is fair on the taxpayer. After school clubs exist for a reason.

Surely as office manager you could pick up from after school club?

I imagine his parents are a bit disappointed in his lack of work ethic. It sounds like the rest of his family are hard working.

Not everyone needs a career job - just something to bring money in is sufficient. He could do something like Aldi shelf stacking, bar work a few nights a week, shop work. Nothing wrong with people just doing a job to earn money & not doing a career type job.

I don't think I could put up with the lack of effort & the fact you don't own a home, he can’t drive, has no pension in place etc

It is brilliant tbh

I'm guessing he'll look for a job pdq once he's had a few weeks of looking after a six-month old baby and finds out what fucking hard work that is

@Whattodo3094 What stood out to me is that he didn’t do well at college and then dropped out of uni. That he’s intelligent but struggled with structured learning, and to top it off his parents treated him differently (worse) than his career driven siblings. You say he gets quite dejected when thinking about attempting to get into a career and I can see why to be honest; perhaps in his and his parents’ minds he’s a failure. He failed at figuring out what career he wanted. He failed at college, and he failed at uni. This won’t have done his self-esteem any good at all, and men are notoriously bad at being in touch with their feelings and emotions, hence why he gets defensive when discussing jobs. Add gaming into the mix, which is a highly addictive form of escapism, and I can see how all this has formed.

Apart from the gaming he sounds like me so I’ll give you some insight. I was a good student but did poorly at school (exams) and college. Years later I attempted a degree but couldn’t cope so quit. Whenever I looked at careers or jobs all I was reminded of was the qualifications I’d need that I was so shit at getting. I was a failure in that respect and found any mention of degrees and careers triggering. To get where I was to where I needed to be was so huge it was overwhelming so I was paralysed. Thankfully I fell into a good job which set me up for life. I also tried again to get a degree and it was only then I was diagnosed with dyslexia, which then helped explain my academic failures. I got extra support and managed to get my degree! I still don’t have a “career” but I have a job I enjoy.

What in particular did he struggle with, have you explored this with him?

It was just so expensive, we couldn't afford it. We've managed to do it this year and he will likely have his license by end of January

I think that's the hardest part. It's not really anything to do with me, it's his mindset and his motivation that needs to change.

Over the years I've gone back and forth between wanting to support him more to get him on top of things but then also thinking why the hell aren't you capable of doing this without your hand being held.

Hopefully the conversation we have about it all will be enough of a wake up call. I plan to go in calm and collected with figures and advice from these comments to lay it all out.

Everything is technically joint but all goes into my account.

To be fair, he survives off of very little. We do the food shop. I send him money for food and any bits we need throughout the month but that's kind of it. He's never been one to spend a great deal. He plays alot of the same games over and over or gets new ones as gifts. With Warhammer he plays with a friends army rather than buying his own.

I guess that's another issue in that he doesn't see the issue because we get by. He doesn't increase our costs by much at all. I just don't want to be getting by. I want to be comfortable.

@Whattodo3094

what about getting a job in a pub or bar Op? Very flexible

I think it's completely unnatural for men to be stay at home dads. Flame me all you want but it's simply not the way nature intended it. After three babies your body needs time to rest and you should be there with your very young children. I would break up over this as I would never get past the resentment of having to go back to work full time so soon after birth whilst he gets to play mum to the kids. What kind of man doesn't want to go out in to the workplace and compete and make money?

Nope. Why comment if you aren't reading the thread?

what's your partner's solution if he won't work and doesn't want you to take on more hours?

I mean I will say his grammar is horrific though unsure if that is anything to do with dyslexia. He knows the information but struggles writing essays and things like that. Excels in exams if they can get past the grammar issues.

Everything with his family certainly set him up to feel inadequate even before he got to college so that didn't help at all.

I think his solution is that I do take on more hours. He wants me working full time with the intention of looking after the baby himself.

You sound great OP, you’ve clearly worked a lot on yourself over the past 13 years and it’s tricky in long term relationships when one person grows and changes and the other perhaps doesn’t. Considering this is your first relationship too, you probably normalised a lot of things (in terms of his laziness) and it’s only recently you started questioning it. Your feelings and concerns around this are absolutely valid. He does need to return to work and address his anxieties around this, which often presents as avoidance. He definitely shouldn’t be shutting you down and refusing to address the situation. It’s not healthy at all.

I really hope your conversation goes well and you are able to move forwards positively.

The frustrating thing is that, instead of gaming, he could have used his time over the past couple of years in improving his qualifications and thus widening the range of jobs he could apply for.

However, with his experience, he must be well aware that he could almost certainly walk into any hospital portering job he wants to and on a basis that fits in with your hours. Likewise people in the hospitality industry are absolutely crying out for staff, so he could get evening work easily. So all this hopelessness about not being able to get a job is just nonsense, really. Time to grow up, I think.

What's his reasoning for not retraining/ getting some certifications while the kids are in school?

Was his plan to not work indefinitely?

Ah i see. I did read the op wrong and thought he didn't want you working more. sorry i would struggle to feel attracted to someone who didn't contribute financially and let me shoulder the load, so I don't know what the solution is

Why do you say nope to this? You have stated UC will top up your part time wages more in the future and it is how you get by every month. I don’t understand why you now say nope to this comment?

He's got a chip on his shoulder hasn't he?

It's not that he can't get a job, it's that he wants a job befitting his perceived level of intelligence.

Manual work, bar work or care work is just beneath him? When actually there is work out there that pays really well, even without degree level qualifications (hairdressing, plumbing, gardening). Care work pays well if you target night shifts and weekends shifts due to the enhanced pay.

Is he smoking weed to? I think lots of gamers do. It really won't help. Is be giving him an ultimation, either he steps up and pulls his socks up or he leaves. Also forget the mad idea about you going part time and relying on one PT salary. It's not feasible.

What type of contraception failure did you have? It sounds like having another baby might have been the ideal outcome for him if you were asking him to work.

If you're receiving UC, you might be eligible for help with childcare costs if he works - have you asked about this?

I can understand why she would dismiss the comment as the poster seemed to just be making a judgemental remark and contributing nothing of value to the thread.

I think one of you must have been keen for another baby (which I can’t understand in this situation) as you had a contraception fail. Usually a contraception fail happens when one person wasn’t being careful enough. I’m over this sort of line in 2024. You either want more kids or sort it out permanently.

You knew he was the SAHD. 6 months of Mat leave and then go back full time. Reduce your hours once he gets a job, but I wouldn’t before. You might not have enough then

Accept that he's a lazy arsed gamer and you are parenting him (you've said as much!).
There is a dire need for people in the job he used to do so NO excuse for his lack of employment.

I bet he even has his DBS check so could work as a teaching assistant around schools hours.
He need to grow up and accept responsibility as a parent.

Who the hell has a family with an inveterate gamer??? Such a waste of quality time and energy, such a waste of living your best life.....