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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s cheating! Caught him out shocked!

684 replies

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 14:51

Hi everyone this is my first post so please be easy with me. I’ve been married for 20 years to dh and have 5 beautiful kids. Our relationship like everyone else had its ups and downs yet we stuck together through it all. If u ask if im happy I would say im secure and now made this life which is fine. Last few years have been tough as seeing changes with dh for example not answering my calls, staying out late and just generally not giving me much attention. Our sex life doesn’t exsist which doesn’t bother him and to be fair I didn’t make a big deal due to him feeling embarrassed about his ed.
I had been having a feeling he might be cheating but I tried ignore this and try carry on with our lives. He’s very protective and feel like he would question everything to me but I’m very laid back and just let him be which could be my fault.
last week I don’t know what made me do this but I seen his Snapchat pop up a few times and he just kinda ignore it and turned phone over which I found weird. I went and made a fake account and added him to it( what was I thinking) I don’t even know why I did it but the feeling just kept coming to do this. Anyway after a few hours he added me and said hello. I said hello back and he asked me where I was from so I kinda just went with it and made up a character. He then asked me for a picture and he sent his picture straight away. I asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no he’s divorce with no kids!!!! Wtf!!! I was shaking and just logged out. He came home from work like normal and I just carried on like normal. I don’t know what do with this information? I can’t confront him as I’m terrified about breaking up my family yet I can’t go on like this knowing he is doing this crap. He’s sent a message today saying let’s meet up wtf! I’m such a mug! I don’t even have the balls to confront him as he will turn this on me

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
HagathaChristi · 13/12/2024 15:57

Lwrenn · 13/12/2024 15:56

you are my hero

Show quote history

Don't do anything like this, Op. You need to be squeaky clean. Stalking is criminal.

Sweetiedarling2024 · 13/12/2024 15:58

Good lass!

This is what you do:

  1. keep flirting with him and change your phone password so he can’t get into your phone and find out it’s you;
  2. offer to meet up with him at a local travel lodge and get him to book the room;
  3. meet him there and give him a bag of his own clothes that you’ve packed and say you’ll need to extend the booking.
Stormyweatheroutthere · 13/12/2024 15:58

Ask him stuff about himself like his job.. Let him dig a deeper hole....

Rosscameasdoody · 13/12/2024 15:58

Keep the conversation going and arrange to meet. Then when he turns up, tell him it’s over. Get your ducks in a row first and legal advice. He’s a dick.

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:00

I will never trust anyone ever again in my life!

OP posts:
SnowLeopard5 · 13/12/2024 16:00

I agree with PP to tread carefully if he's known to be controlling/temper. It's a good idea what another PP said about saying you've shown his picture to someone who says they know he's married with a family & it's wrong. Then delete Snapchat so he won't know it was ever you to protect yourself. Watch him sweat. Make a plan to get out xx

Sorry you're going through this 💐

rainbowstardrops · 13/12/2024 16:00

I would definitely go and meet him!

adulthoodisajoke · 13/12/2024 16:00

HagathaChristi · 13/12/2024 15:57

Don't do anything like this, Op. You need to be squeaky clean. Stalking is criminal.

Show quote history

would it actually be classed as stalking if she's taking a picture of the car on her driveway?

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:02

He doesn’t even know my fake account well enough to even meet up like wtf!

OP posts:
Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:04

Just txted him saying I feel like I’m coming down with something so will be having an early night and he goes that’s fine il see if I get do overtime next week let you rest! No mate your going be cheating ya prick

OP posts:
Justnippinginthegaragelove · 13/12/2024 16:05

I would delay the meet up by a few days so that you have time to see a solicitor and get things in place. Then only if you have a male friend/family member to go with you book a hotel room and give him the room number.
This way there is no question over his intentions and he can't make any excuses. Then hand him divorce papers there and then.
Sorry you're going through this. What a cunt.

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:07

So what do I need do guys? I have no idea where start or what I need do. I need your guys help please. Never contacted a solicitor before so what do I say to them?

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 13/12/2024 16:07

If he's controlling you need to feel safe, do you have friends or family to support you, do all the children live at home, you and dc need somewhere safe to stay. I'd gather up paperwork and a bag of clothes and leave them with someone you trust. Can you stay away for the weekend, give yourself time to think what to do.

Enterthedragonqueen · 13/12/2024 16:08

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 15:28

Everything is under his name, house and car! He never added me to anything as he loved the control and the mug I am let him be

If you're legally married then it doesn't matter if it's in his name, it's a straight 50% split in most cases.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/getting-a-divorce-or-dissolution/

Getting a divorce or ending your civil partnership

Find out how to end your marriage or civil partnership with a divorce or dissolution.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/getting-a-divorce-or-dissolution

AnonAnonmystery · 13/12/2024 16:09

@Stunnershaz I think Women’s Aid will be a good starting point - you could call them Monday?

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:10

will do x

OP posts:
MrsWhites · 13/12/2024 16:11

I don’t understand some of the responses on here, what will it achieve to actually meet up with him?

If he’s cheating and has been abusive in the past, why antagonise the situation. Screen shot the messages as proof, leave when you can and then provide the proof of his behaviour.

There doesn’t need to be any of this dramatic meeting up - many have recognised the potential danger, suggesting the OP take a male family member with her etc but are still advocating for her to follow through with the meet up.

Just seek legal advice and leave!

AnonAnonmystery · 13/12/2024 16:12

Keep yourself safe, keep your head together and hopefully we can all start helping you plan a safe exit for both you and your dc x

Anotherworrier · 13/12/2024 16:12

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 14:56

How can he come home and act like nothing is going on! I was making out tea and wanted to smash it in his face lol

Because to you this is new, to him it’s a Friday.

AnonAnonmystery · 13/12/2024 16:13

MrsWhites · 13/12/2024 16:11

I don’t understand some of the responses on here, what will it achieve to actually meet up with him?

If he’s cheating and has been abusive in the past, why antagonise the situation. Screen shot the messages as proof, leave when you can and then provide the proof of his behaviour.

There doesn’t need to be any of this dramatic meeting up - many have recognised the potential danger, suggesting the OP take a male family member with her etc but are still advocating for her to follow through with the meet up.

Just seek legal advice and leave!

Yes I agee with this. It’s got an entertainment value but an actual real danger to the op. Even though he deserves it, I just would not advocate this as he is abusive.

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:13

I won’t meet up but I will send a friend see if he turns up and while he turns up il be packed up and gone

OP posts:
NutmegsMum · 13/12/2024 16:14

Oh OP. I’m sorry this is happening to you. It sounds really hard and stressful but by leaving you’re giving a great example to your kids of how to respect yourself. You deserve someone who values, respects you and makes you happy. This man is just awful. 😞

diddl · 13/12/2024 16:14

I agree that meeting up with an abusive cheat isn't a good idea.

Sassybooklover · 13/12/2024 16:14

Personally, I think you need to tread very carefully. Yes, in an ideal world, continue with the messaging, arrange to meet...but then what?! You have said yourself that your husband can be controlling, has a temper etc. Confronting him, will ignite a huge explosion of temper. Would you be safe? Or would sitting on the information you have, be better? See a solicitor, sort out financial paperwork whilst he's so 'busy at work' and organise yourself to leave. Sometimes, you have to slow down, think and play the long game. Not saying it would be easy, very hard to continue pretending life is wonderful. However, you now need to gather up all your inner strength and gain the upper hand. When you leave, he won't be expecting it! Whatever, you decide to do, it's obvious, he's been cheating on you over a long period of time and with numerous women.