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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s cheating! Caught him out shocked!

684 replies

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 14:51

Hi everyone this is my first post so please be easy with me. I’ve been married for 20 years to dh and have 5 beautiful kids. Our relationship like everyone else had its ups and downs yet we stuck together through it all. If u ask if im happy I would say im secure and now made this life which is fine. Last few years have been tough as seeing changes with dh for example not answering my calls, staying out late and just generally not giving me much attention. Our sex life doesn’t exsist which doesn’t bother him and to be fair I didn’t make a big deal due to him feeling embarrassed about his ed.
I had been having a feeling he might be cheating but I tried ignore this and try carry on with our lives. He’s very protective and feel like he would question everything to me but I’m very laid back and just let him be which could be my fault.
last week I don’t know what made me do this but I seen his Snapchat pop up a few times and he just kinda ignore it and turned phone over which I found weird. I went and made a fake account and added him to it( what was I thinking) I don’t even know why I did it but the feeling just kept coming to do this. Anyway after a few hours he added me and said hello. I said hello back and he asked me where I was from so I kinda just went with it and made up a character. He then asked me for a picture and he sent his picture straight away. I asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no he’s divorce with no kids!!!! Wtf!!! I was shaking and just logged out. He came home from work like normal and I just carried on like normal. I don’t know what do with this information? I can’t confront him as I’m terrified about breaking up my family yet I can’t go on like this knowing he is doing this crap. He’s sent a message today saying let’s meet up wtf! I’m such a mug! I don’t even have the balls to confront him as he will turn this on me

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
BigAnne · 13/12/2024 16:15

@Stunnershaz what a shit show. Be careful

diddl · 13/12/2024 16:15

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:13

I won’t meet up but I will send a friend see if he turns up and while he turns up il be packed up and gone

Good idea to send someone else.

MiddleAgedDread · 13/12/2024 16:15

Arrange to meet him, pack his stuff into black bags and hand it over to him when you meet.

MissMoneyFairy · 13/12/2024 16:15

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:13

I won’t meet up but I will send a friend see if he turns up and while he turns up il be packed up and gone

You need a plan if you're going to leave, for yourself and dc.

Crikeyalmighty · 13/12/2024 16:16

Whilst he isn't there I would be going through his drawers and wardrobe, jacket pockets etc- any desk he has with a fine tooth comb - often helps to know what you are dealing with

PinotPony · 13/12/2024 16:17

I agree that it is probably unsafe to actually meet him on Monday. The most you should do is watch covertly from a distance and take a photo of him waiting as evidence for the divorce.

It’s a dangerous time for you if he has a history of being abusive. Do you have a trusted male friend or family member who could help you?

Definitely call Women’s Aid for advice. The solicitor and divorce can wait. Right now your priority is to get him out the house or leave yourself.

PinotPony · 13/12/2024 16:19

The other thing you should go whilst he is away from home is photograph any of his bank statements or pension statements or payslips/P60s. You’ll probably need them later.

Incakewetrust · 13/12/2024 16:20

Get your friend to take photos of him there. He'll try to deny it otherwise

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:21

i don’t even wanna see his face tonight so 6.30 im off to bed. He will come in the room to get changed and stuff so going hate it!!! How can he do this to me? I don’t deserve this

OP posts:
Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:22

Was I not good enough?

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 13/12/2024 16:23

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:04

Just txted him saying I feel like I’m coming down with something so will be having an early night and he goes that’s fine il see if I get do overtime next week let you rest! No mate your going be cheating ya prick

He's trying to make out he's doing you a favour by doing overtime so you can rest? Who's looking after the kids then while you rest?

If you're answering someone it is easier if you quote them.

He doesn't get to decide what you get. A solicitor guides you then a judge says yes or no. It's not about him deciding to give you anything.

You can file for divorce without him knowing and without a solicitor. But you'll need one for financials.

FigTreeInEurope · 13/12/2024 16:23

We have no fault divorces now!

2025willbemytime · 13/12/2024 16:24

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:22

Was I not good enough?

It's because HE'S not good enough.

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:24

I did everything for this man! My house was like a hose house just because he liked it like that. I cooked and cleaned and supported him in everything. Even when he went through quite a nasty abusive stage I stood with him as his excuse was he was under stress and depression! I brought the kids up myself while he focussed on his career and I left mine. I gave him all the control with finances and made him feel like he was the best man on the planet and I get this????

OP posts:
Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:25

Show house*

OP posts:
Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:27

My mother in law is brilliant and the kids are staying their on weekend as it’s her birthday and that’s what she wants so it would be just me and him this weekend

OP posts:
something2say · 13/12/2024 16:28

Hey OP. I'm so sorry to see your thread and the turmoil you are in.

But just try to calm down for now.

Take some time this evening to think things through - you say you want to leave him - fair enough, I would. But you can plan it. You can avoid him at all costs, stay quiet and work out what you are going to do. Where you are going to go etc. Keep your powder dry. I would forget the messaging platform because it has served its purpose now. You don't want him sending you messages from the toilet and your phone immediately dinging - get rid I think. Take time to plan.

It must be a massive shock for you but you are saying he's not great, you're not that happy - you can do this, in time, and well. Start planning and keep him in the dark and forget the messaging platform as it will get you into trouble. You know what you know now, enough.

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:28

Why did I let the abuse slide?im so angry right now

OP posts:
Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:30

I’ve logged out of it and won’t be going on it at the moment as it’s just messing with my head

OP posts:
Marymaryxmas · 13/12/2024 16:31

Don’t play games, he’s shown you his true colours you either stay or leave . Two more years when I am in a financial position to leave my wealthy husband I am gone! Found out his affair last year and the idiot thinks that now is all forgiven !!

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:31

Do u think it was sneaking of me making this fake account? I feel like I’ve let myself down too by going this low

OP posts:
PromoJoJo · 13/12/2024 16:31

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:32

I let so much slide! I’m a good person

OP posts:
Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:32

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the poster's request.

I won’t

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 13/12/2024 16:33

@Stunnershaz you are currently in a whirlpool of emotions so don’t make decisions or take actions now.

You are married so have some financial rights to support and a claim on the house amongst other things.

The house is in his name so you can’t lock him out. By law he has access to it.

If you walk off what’s the plan - where would you stay. How long for. What would happen with your children. How about school. What impact will this sudden moonlight flit have on them?

Get legal advice. ring any local solicitor as most offer free initial session.

contact women’s aid and keep trying for advice.

If you are really concerned that he will become threatening, abusive or violence - preempt this by asking the police for advice.

do not rush into telling your husband. Start making plans. Finding out your rights and getting your ducks in a row.