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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s cheating! Caught him out shocked!

684 replies

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 14:51

Hi everyone this is my first post so please be easy with me. I’ve been married for 20 years to dh and have 5 beautiful kids. Our relationship like everyone else had its ups and downs yet we stuck together through it all. If u ask if im happy I would say im secure and now made this life which is fine. Last few years have been tough as seeing changes with dh for example not answering my calls, staying out late and just generally not giving me much attention. Our sex life doesn’t exsist which doesn’t bother him and to be fair I didn’t make a big deal due to him feeling embarrassed about his ed.
I had been having a feeling he might be cheating but I tried ignore this and try carry on with our lives. He’s very protective and feel like he would question everything to me but I’m very laid back and just let him be which could be my fault.
last week I don’t know what made me do this but I seen his Snapchat pop up a few times and he just kinda ignore it and turned phone over which I found weird. I went and made a fake account and added him to it( what was I thinking) I don’t even know why I did it but the feeling just kept coming to do this. Anyway after a few hours he added me and said hello. I said hello back and he asked me where I was from so I kinda just went with it and made up a character. He then asked me for a picture and he sent his picture straight away. I asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no he’s divorce with no kids!!!! Wtf!!! I was shaking and just logged out. He came home from work like normal and I just carried on like normal. I don’t know what do with this information? I can’t confront him as I’m terrified about breaking up my family yet I can’t go on like this knowing he is doing this crap. He’s sent a message today saying let’s meet up wtf! I’m such a mug! I don’t even have the balls to confront him as he will turn this on me

OP posts:
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6
Differentnameagaindolly · 14/12/2024 15:35

This reply has been deleted

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wisestbee23 · 14/12/2024 15:51

This post came very hot on the heels of a similar one just a few hours earlier which the Daily Mail picked up on and ran with online. I wouldn't put it past them to create this thread as some kind of stunt - but I do feel bad thinking this if the OP is genuine after all she has apparently been through.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 14/12/2024 15:57

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 19:59

I’m going list down what he has done so you guys know exactly what’s happened. Bare in mind he was in depression mode:-
he’s pushed me against a wall, pulled me by the hair into the bedroom, twisted my fingers, pinned me down on bed, slapped me 3 times and also burnt my arm with the iron. Sounds bad but he wasn’t right in head and I still stood with him through them times x

Abusers aren’t right in the head. Ever.
Stop wasting head space on him and his cheating and plan your exit.

2025willbemytime · 14/12/2024 16:06

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 22:00

It makes me sad that I couldn’t leave over the bad abuse yet a few Snapchat messages and I’m ready to go

It doesn't matter why you've stayed or what you leave over as long as you do. I left over something my h said, not something he did.

Get your mum over now if he's still out.

It is hard to leave at times but you're still making the choice to stay. He doesn't own you.

MrsWhites · 14/12/2024 16:07

I’m sorry to say I’ve been doubting this thread since yesterday. It doesn’t make sense to be so scared on someone on one hand but then be so prepared to antagonise them by setting up a fake SC on the other hand.

To make something like this up is so disrespectful to those women who genuinely live in fearful situations.

Middlemarch123 · 14/12/2024 16:11

It’s all bonkers to me too! Moving on so quickly, real life doesn’t work like this.

Sunshine1500 · 14/12/2024 16:16

the Snapchat was a strange and dangerous way to catfish , why not use tinder or a site that more anonymous, especially if there is violence.

AskJateace · 14/12/2024 16:21

You need to confront him! No matter what you think he'll say or do, you need to definitely have a conversation. 20 years of marriage is quite some time, and I don't believe in divorce especially when you have been together for that long. But you need to talk to him about what you know concerning his infidelity so that this behavior will stop. You do not deserve having to put up with a partner who is being dishonest and unfaithful just because the two of you have been together for a long time, especially when you're not unfaithful yourself. You seem like a devoted wife, and you are suppose to have a spouse that is just as devoted as you are. I know this new info of him cheating is shocking and hurtful as you will probably need therapy to get past the betrayal itself, which is what I truly recommend. But you when you finally confront him, let him know what you know and how it's made you feel, followed by some sort of ultimatum that gives him the choice to either stop with the infidelity or suffer consequences if he continues with such behavior. During your conversation, be strong, and don't let him turn it around on you. He was the one caught cheating so he doesn't have the right to try to make it about you. And do not take what he is doing personal, because if there are issues between the two of you that he feels is making him behave in this way, as your husband he was suppose to verbalize to you what those problems are so they can be resolved before deciding to step outside of your marriage. Don't let him make any excuses either, make him hold himself accountable, or else he will not stop! Be strong and courageous, you can do this!
Best wishes!!

MyShrivelledGnarlyFinger · 14/12/2024 16:23

When you leave take your marriage certificate with you or you'll have to apply and pay for a duplicate. Your solicitor will want this when divorce proceedings begin. Also take your birth certificate, children's birth certificates and any other important documents which are not in the safe.

User13489 · 14/12/2024 16:28

@AskJateace you do realise he assaulted her with a burning hot iron for which she is permanently scarred from?

Differentnameagaindolly · 14/12/2024 16:47

@MrsWhites It was the "lols" in the op's first posts which didn't sit right with the context of the thread. In my opinion!

Crikeyalmighty · 14/12/2024 16:57

@wisestbee23 yep I feel like this too -

Shiningout · 14/12/2024 17:10

This is quite strange tbh. He's incredibly violent, yet you are risking your safety by tricking him online on Snapchat, you chucked lasagne in the bin last night and now you're off to buy ingredients to make it again for him, you're going to leave him and going to solicitors etc but you're still cooking for him and living with him etc. What's going on?

CoffeeGood · 14/12/2024 17:49

AskJateace · 14/12/2024 16:21

You need to confront him! No matter what you think he'll say or do, you need to definitely have a conversation. 20 years of marriage is quite some time, and I don't believe in divorce especially when you have been together for that long. But you need to talk to him about what you know concerning his infidelity so that this behavior will stop. You do not deserve having to put up with a partner who is being dishonest and unfaithful just because the two of you have been together for a long time, especially when you're not unfaithful yourself. You seem like a devoted wife, and you are suppose to have a spouse that is just as devoted as you are. I know this new info of him cheating is shocking and hurtful as you will probably need therapy to get past the betrayal itself, which is what I truly recommend. But you when you finally confront him, let him know what you know and how it's made you feel, followed by some sort of ultimatum that gives him the choice to either stop with the infidelity or suffer consequences if he continues with such behavior. During your conversation, be strong, and don't let him turn it around on you. He was the one caught cheating so he doesn't have the right to try to make it about you. And do not take what he is doing personal, because if there are issues between the two of you that he feels is making him behave in this way, as your husband he was suppose to verbalize to you what those problems are so they can be resolved before deciding to step outside of your marriage. Don't let him make any excuses either, make him hold himself accountable, or else he will not stop! Be strong and courageous, you can do this!
Best wishes!!

Please at least read the OP's posts! He burnt her with an iron and dragged her by her hair, twisted her fingers, pushed her onto the bed and slapped her!! The cheating is the least of her problems!

DancingFerret · 14/12/2024 18:07

Stunnershaz · 14/12/2024 13:30

Guys thanks so much for all your advice. Seems like a lot of people are thinking I’m lying which I don’t understand why anyone would want to do that. I’m already going through it so I think I will now close this thread as i don’t want ppl think it’s a joke when it’s my life. I only came in here for advice and also ppl to talk to and maybe make some friends which is hard for me in my situation. Thank you all again x

Please ignore the idiots who pop up all over MN; they're sad and in need of pity.

Most posters have your best interests at heart, so it would be good if you could come back at a later date and let us know how you're getting on.

REignbow · 14/12/2024 18:07

I’m glad you have told your mum.

Now get planning, like store items at your mums house, buy gift cards and cash back when grocery shopping. Most importantly, contact WA and rights of women.

Most importantly be boring, delete Snapchat and plan.

Imbusytodaysorry · 14/12/2024 18:16

Stunnershaz · 14/12/2024 12:15

This morning he said he has the Christmas work do but he’s told them I won’t be able attend as I’m away that day. I asked why he said that he started laughing saying you in a dress ppl will laugh as it’s black tie. I was like that’s so hurtful and he goes well I love you that’s why I tell you the truth and walked off get his golf stuff. Honestly how nasty. I’m only a size 12 too. He only said that as I was having some toast trying to stop me eating

Just wow !
He is making you feel shit as he wouldn’t what to be seen with you but in reality op you have to hear this isn’t about you. .
He is doing this so he can cheat. .He is doing this so you feel so crap you won’t leave him .

This has broken my heart .

Tell your mum you are blocking her just for the weekend if she doesn’t stop messaging.
Tell her you are safe if you keep pretending and that you will speak with her on Monday and she can support you with your plan

Imbusytodaysorry · 14/12/2024 18:16

REignbow · 14/12/2024 18:07

I’m glad you have told your mum.

Now get planning, like store items at your mums house, buy gift cards and cash back when grocery shopping. Most importantly, contact WA and rights of women.

Most importantly be boring, delete Snapchat and plan.

This

Imbusytodaysorry · 14/12/2024 18:21

Stunnershaz · 14/12/2024 13:30

Appreciate all your help and advice and I wish you all the best x

Op if you do come back . Private message me or you need someone to talk too and don’t feel comfortable posting on here. .
We all need someone for suppport

SnappyCritic · 14/12/2024 19:17

I agree with Edithbond.
You are alot stronger, courageous & smarter than he wants you to believe!

For all you did, he should show you much more respect than he does.

DH & I were in similiar situation. We went to see a counselor. He told DH "life will NEVER be the same anymore."<<--so true!! My eyes were opened!
We ended up getting back together but he's back to emotionally abusing me but the physical abuse is gone.
( Kids are all grown & moved out.)
If he ever gets physical again--I'll be packing up & leaving. That fear (& alot of the questions) are gone.

(I miss the freedom I had without him...)

AnonAnonmystery · 14/12/2024 19:29

Feel free to pm me if you need to talk.
I am sorry you’ve felt hounded that you are lying. I don’t know why people chose to do that when they could just say nothing and leave the thread.

I hope you feel comfortable enough to come back as there are a lot of sensible and knowledgeable women on this post to help support.

@Stunnershaz you come across as so warm and bubbly even when you are talking about really traumatic incidents, A dedicated wife and mother. I really cannot fault you. Big hugs and best of luck of we don’t hear from you. Please stay safe x

Lifeomars · 14/12/2024 19:42

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 21:50

Ok terms of the iron, so basically I was ironing his shirts and he came downstairs in a foul mood. He started saying that my ironing wasn’t up to his standard and that he sick of the way I do the collars, I kept quiet as I knew he was in a mood and he come close and said why I was ignoring him. I told him I didn’t wanna argue and I will go over the shirts he didn’t like. He then started shouting saying why would I need do this if I did it right at beginning, I started crying which made him more mad and he got the iron to my arm. I still have a scar. I screamed in pain and he just hugged me and said say sorry and let’s drop it. So I apologised and that was end of that never spoken about it again x

I am appalled, that is nothing to do with depression and everything to do with controlling, dominating and causing you terrible physical pain all mixed in with messing with your emotions. After belittling you he than commits a serious assault and then controls the narrative of the aftermath by showing affection and closing down any discussion about his dreadful behaviour. He is dangerous

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 14/12/2024 19:55

Hello everyone. Sorry I had to have a bit of space as reading that ppl think it’s a joke or I’m making it up is quite hurtful. Again thank you for everyone who tried supporting me.
I feel like I have to explain myself. So u can imagine everyone has a breaking point and mine was when I made the fake snapchat, remeber he would never suspect me do anything like that as he knows I would never cross the line and doesn’t even go through my phone as he would look so stupid as nothing is ever in there that he can have a go at me for. I knew in my heart that I could handle the abuse as it’s over in few minutes and back to everyday life yet the feeling of him cheating was the most painful as you can imagine how much he has put me down and I really just wanted confirmation that he was in the wrong and not me. Yes I was playing with fire but I know 100% I wouldn’t get court as he would never suspect me at all. Was it stupid? Of course and by him messaging so nicely and up front just showed he had that side to him just wasn’t shown to me even though I gave him my everything.
the Snapchat is deleted it was a madness moment and as for sorting things out today u all have to understand I never in my life got this support like you all showed me and it did make me want to sort my life out. I can’t help put dwell on the ppl saying it’s fake which now makes me think when I get out of this mess will ppl really believe me? Will solicyo believe me? Will courts believe me? Will my kids even understand?
im having a wobble and im terrified but its on me not no one else.
again I appreciate all of you and I hope you all have a wonderful evening guys x

OP posts:
Original poster
Stunnershaz · 14/12/2024 19:58

Sorry for my spelling just wanted try explain myself. As for me messaging yday none of my kids were home and he didn’t get home till late and I was in bed early so had the time too reply and be on here.

OP posts:
Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife · 14/12/2024 19:59

@Stunnershaz I am so sorry that you're going through this and that some people think this is fake. I don't. I believe you and I'm proud of the courage you have shown. Please don't let the small minded few stop you from getting the support that you so clearly need. 💐