He’s cheating! Caught him out shocked!

[Stunnershaz]

Hi everyone this is my first post so please be easy with me. I’ve been married for 20 years to dh and have 5 beautiful kids. Our relationship like everyone else had its ups and downs yet we stuck together through it all. If u ask if im happy I would say im secure and now made this life which is fine. Last few years have been tough as seeing changes with dh for example not answering my calls, staying out late and just generally not giving me much attention. Our sex life doesn’t exsist which doesn’t bother him and to be fair I didn’t make a big deal due to him feeling embarrassed about his ed.
I had been having a feeling he might be cheating but I tried ignore this and try carry on with our lives. He’s very protective and feel like he would question everything to me but I’m very laid back and just let him be which could be my fault.
last week I don’t know what made me do this but I seen his Snapchat pop up a few times and he just kinda ignore it and turned phone over which I found weird. I went and made a fake account and added him to it( what was I thinking) I don’t even know why I did it but the feeling just kept coming to do this. Anyway after a few hours he added me and said hello. I said hello back and he asked me where I was from so I kinda just went with it and made up a character. He then asked me for a picture and he sent his picture straight away. I asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no he’s divorce with no kids!!!! Wtf!!! I was shaking and just logged out. He came home from work like normal and I just carried on like normal. I don’t know what do with this information? I can’t confront him as I’m terrified about breaking up my family yet I can’t go on like this knowing he is doing this crap. He’s sent a message today saying let’s meet up wtf! I’m such a mug! I don’t even have the balls to confront him as he will turn this on me

Get him a lynx gift set. Tell him he is being ungrateful if he complains.

This is the way to do it. Do not under any circumstances tell him in his presence that you are leaving. That is very dangerous for you so please leave and leave him a note. That is the safest way. It’s great that your mum has a property you can move into. Please get a ring doorbell installed in case he turns up there. Don’t answer the door if he ever does. Just call the police immediately. You’re doing the right think. If you need further support please contact women’s aid and they will help you make an exit plan and support you to claim benefits, etc that you may be entitled to, etc.

My understanding is that it's possible to claim benefits if you rent from family, however you'll need a proper Tenancy Agreement in place and you need to be paying a fair rent

The way you write @Stunnershaz it sounds like your mum has not just one set of tenants, but multiple? It may just be me, but it's not what I would expect considering you said you came from a poor background?

What he has done is despicable. If you wear sweats every day (sorry, not a good look for anyone) I would start dressing nicely and that will get this brain going in overdrive. Start wearing make up if you don't usually. I would still carry on with the Snap Chat to see how far he will actually take it. Chances are he will want to meet up with you. What do you do then? This is an awful bomb shell in your life. Don't confront him as they Deny - Deny - Deny.

Sadly, it is also your poor kid's life and they don't have the choices you do.

You can get UC when you rent from family with a proper tenancy agreement in place. I rent from my dad. Not on UC anymore, but they accepted it no problems at all. Who you rent from is irrelevant, you rent and pay.

I’m not sure that’s correct honestly. I had to fight to rent from my children’s Dad because they were related to him (we weren’t married) and I had to keep reminding them it wasn’t me ie the claimant who was related to them, it was the kids. We had an official tenancy agreement, eventually they relented.

Sorry editing to say, I see others have done this. Apologies for undue worry I caused OP.

My application must have come across someone’s desk with a bug to grind! I’m glad it should be ok for OP, hopefully it will be straight forward for her as well.

1. Has the tenancy been created to take advantage of benefits which provide support for housing costs?

A claimant isn’t entitled to benefit support for housing costs if the DWP (in the case of UC) or a local authority (for HB) believes they’ve deliberately entered into a tenancy in order to take advantage of either of these benefits (what’s known as a ‘contrived’ tenancy). According to the ADM Chapter F2 (PDF), “There must be something about the arrangements relating to the liability that indicates it seeks to abuse the HCE of UC.” It’s up to the DWP or local authority to show that such an arrangement exists before determining if abuse is involved. To do this, they must establish the facts, and take account of all the available evidence, before deciding someone is trying to abuse the system.

https://commonslibrary.parliament.uk/benefit-support-for-housing-costs-when-renting-from-relatives/

The house was already rented to tenants and the mother can prove this with self assessment and tenancy agreements. This wouldn't be a contrived tenancy

HTH

Yes I came from a poor background and my mum was a single parent and did the best she could. She worked her arse off two jobs and kept saving. She did great investments and was left a great inheritance from my grandmother which helped her get in the property ladder. I’m so proud of her after everything she went through with my dad in the early years

Guys thanks so much for all your advice. Seems like a lot of people are thinking I’m lying which I don’t understand why anyone would want to do that. I’m already going through it so I think I will now close this thread as i don’t want ppl think it’s a joke when it’s my life. I only came in here for advice and also ppl to talk to and maybe make some friends which is hard for me in my situation. Thank you all again x

Appreciate all your help and advice and I wish you all the best x

To make sure you have some money available to you, between now and when you leave, when you go shopping get cash back as it doesn’t show up as that, just the shopping total. Then stash it in a new bank account he doesn’t know about.

He can’t keep your passports, that’s a criminal offence. You need legal advice and the best place to get it is from a domestic violence charity local to you. You can get a restraining order so he can’t come near you. The kids will adapt.

I don’t think you’re lying. Glad you have somewhere to start again.

I can confirm this - I rented my Mum’s house out to a family member on UC when she was in a care home.

OP, do whatever you have to to get away from him safely.
Please tell the solicitor everything.
Perhaps take notes in your phone so you make the most of your time with them.

Be very careful.
He is so dangerous.
I really hope you consider reporting to the police.

Perhaps after your gone if he is difficult you can use this against him.
Threatening him with the police might get him to back off.

Your scars are your proof.
Tell everyone about the iron incident after you are gone.
Plus the hair incident.
It will explain so much to people.
You poor woman.

This and you could always stock up on gift cards with your supermarket shop too. My local has their own plus other high street/Amazon cards that can be useful in the new year if he becomes difficult with money. Buy some with every shop and ask your mum to keep them somewhere safe until you can get out. Good luck OP x

I've seen 4 divorces among friends and their families recently.
Usually if you have kids, the wife ends up living in the family home with the kids, and keeps it until they have finished school or Uni.
If the house is sold, you get 50/50 of the value after any mortgage is paid off.
Overall, current wealth is split 50/50, including pension fund.
Your ex will have to pay bills, maintenance and cash for the kids to live on.
credit cards and loans are shared debts until you are divorced

2 of the divorces I've seen recently featured the dumb husband clearing out joint bank accounts, or hiding expensive watch collections, etc. This always looks bad (because it is), and always gets stopped. You do not have to flee, penniless.

Therefore I would recommend getting advice from the solicitor before moving out of your house permanently, and getting the finances locked down ASAP is essential.

@Stunnershaz

Listen, you're doing great! You've told your mum so you've gotten support. You have a solicitor appt to get legal advice. Mum has a place for you to go in Jan so you have a way to get out. Those are the three main things.

All you need to do now is to be as 'normal' as possible, carry on and keep quiet. Yes, give him the Xmas gifts, not to do so would not be 'normal'. If he says he's 'working late' or 'meeting friends' just wave him off as you usually do. Remember that when he's not in the house, you can 'let your guard down' a bit and let yourself 'feel what you're feeling'.

I know your mum is upset and probably frantic, but impress on her that 'carrying on as normal' is for YOUR safety, not for his convenience.

Be aware also, that if your STBX is guarded enough about his privacy that he has a safe you're not allowed the combo for, he may also have some type of camera in his 'office'. Now, it may be that he's so sure he has you 'controlled' and is so arrogant that he doesn't think he needs one, but it's something to think about.

It's mid-Dec and you'll be out in Jan. What with Xmas the time will fly by. Soon you'll be free.

Make sure you have access to your money. You don’t want your funds frozen or taken by him. You’re rightly very upset, but now you should take your time, think things through, before you confront him. Maybe see a lawyer? You need to know your end game, not just take revenge on him. Play a careful long game. This is so hurtful and devastating for you, I’m wishing you all the best x