Is there any other explanation?

[Thisagain4]

Been with DP 4yrs long distance, live 3.5hrs drive apart, both with 1 child each. We see other once a week for 24hrs. Things have worked this way because we both have busy lives and we want to put our children first.
At 4yrs I haven't met any of his friends or family (he says they are racist)
Haven't met his DC (he says they won't take it well)
We haven't been away together
When I visited his city he was uncomfortable about pda
He rarely answers his phone in the evenings (says it's on charge on silent and he's usually way thing football with his dad)
He never spends more than 24hrs here.
We've never spent Xmas together because we want to spend it with our children.
He is very protective of his phone
He is never here for more than 24hrs
However I can feel that he loves me, he tells me daily and communicates a lot. We're making plans for when DC go to uni.
A few days ago he changed plans from going to my sisters for an early Xmas from overnight to a few hours. This was the straw that broke the camel's back because he didn't see me for my birthday last week and I exploded about how I'm fed up with this joke of a relationship and asked him if he has a double Info up where he is. His response was that nothing is going on, I'm just having my monthly meltdown and he has refused to engage since.
AIBU? Is that he's just a very private person or have I been a naive mug for 4 years?

I’m sorry OP. What an awful shock. I will never understand how men are so capable of doing shit like this.

They go on holiday together 😢 It makes me sick to think of it. All the times I had to go away on my own these past 4 years. I always thought it was just him and his DD. I didn't want to put financial pressure on him because I earn 3 x more than him, or time pressure because I thought all he does it work and look after his DD 😰

It's just one gut punch after another

Sorry you are going through this. If it’s possible try and think about the future you want to create. He has behaved atrociously, your focus has to be you now.

You were very sweet and thoughtful @Thisagain4 . And I think you didn’t push him as you were scared of losing him. At the moment what you are going through is similar to grieving. You have lost someone you still love. It’s going to take a lot of time. As you are a doctor your position means you need to be 100% on the job, so please try and eat and drink a little. Ironic I’m telling you this but here we are. Sending you a big hug x

@AnonAnonmystery that just prompted me to have a biscuit and some water!
You're right I didn't push him because I was scared of losing him.

@Thisagain4 well I am glad than helped because you need to. All these things become clear in retrospect but deep down in your gut you knew. I hope you feel a bit better tomorrow. Try go on a short walk if you can, keep posting as you need that emotional outlet.

You will begin to realise far more as time goes on. Just take one day at a time.

But it’s a start that you recognise that you didn’t push for more time and commitment (that he was unable to give) because you were scared of losing him. That’s not a healthy dynamic in any relationship not being able to communicate.

The more you delve into your reasons as to why you were prepared to accept so little and ignore so many red flags will help you to understand how you let things go on for the length of time they did when deep down you knew that it wasn’t a “normal” relationship.

But yes you must eat and you must present a normal face for the return of your daughter after the weekend.

Remember he carried on his family life throughout the time he spent with you. That involved family holidays, normal family life, buying a new property etc etc. And even now he will be doing the same, whilst trying to appease his parents who also know the sad truth.

So the very least you need to do is eat and take care of yourself.

@Thisagain4 are you ok?

Thanks for asking. No I'm not okay. Struggling with intrusive thoughts of him with the partner and it's making me feel constantly nauseous. Also yearning for him which is messed up and frustrating.
Couldn't sleep last night and forced a few mouthfuls of food down earlier.
Sent out enquiries for therapy. Reading about betrayal trauma. Praying for relief from the pain.

what you’re head is doing - actually it’s not unusual, i was there too. It’s no consolation, i know. But you’ve got to make sure your body doesn’t suffer. Eat, drink, sleep , exercise.
Work, too. I had one person at work I could go and tell all to, cry on, when it got too much - and having her there made a huge difference. Try not to be alone. It’s hard, but it’s worth it. You’re better, stronger than him. Don’t forget it

I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP, I too discovered my then partner was living a double life - after a year. It’s the most horrific gut wrenching pain to realise all of it had been a lie.

He said he could ‘compartmentalise’ and therefore didn’t feel guilt as he was living two separate lives. It felt so real to me and I’ve never felt so loved, but I couldn’t have been as he couldn’t have done this if I was.

I spent 18 months crying myself to sleep, constantly asking myself how could he do that. Asking myself did he feel guilty, wanting him to be sorry and apologise. I would have done anything for him to come back because I was hooked.

Then, I realised all the reasons and apologies wouldn’t mean anything, he’s a dishonest liar and any apology or sorrow would also likely be a lie.

I stopped constantly questioning myself and wondering why me, and realised he’s a sad nasty little man who has not one iota of care about anyone but himself.

I know how hard it is, and I’m sorry to say this will take many many months to move on from. But please be kind to yourself and realise it isn’t your fault, you trusted and were proved wrong, but you aren’t the bad person

Make you and your daughters Xmas a lovely family time and tell yourself you’ll deal with this in the new year xx

@Ebbyfroom thank you for sharing your experience. He had his happy little family all along and all the times I say home alone I thought I was sacrificing for his daughter. Now he'll go back to his happy little family and I'll have nothing.

His wife deserves to know. He shouldn’t get away with this and come out the other side unscathed.

In my situation, he carried on the remarriage after telling her (I told him I would if he didn’t) she blamed me as he was such a liar that he twisted it to sound that I’d been chasing him.

2 years after that, he had another affair but as far as I know him and his wife are still together.

He’s the shit person and he always will be, but you went into this with good intentions and honesty.

You’ll miss the version of himself he showed you, but that doesn’t exist because he’s a manipulator who will ruin other peoples lives for his own gratification.

You will find a way forward, I promise.

After 18 months I met someone new, and although I’m more guarded than I was, I’m happily in a relationship. The shit guy messaged me around 2.5 years after it all happened, and I saw what a horrible little loser he is - I would have given anything for him to have come back at the time it was all happening - but time really is a healer

This coming summer you will look back on this and still won’t be able to believe what happened but you will be stronger and have found peace with it

You’ve got to stop this now.
First, his family isn’t so happy - it’s built on lies and relies on him cheating.
And you’ve got so much more, in so many ways. Just that right now you haven’t got someone to share with.
Look after the real things - your health, your daughter, your career. He abused your trust and now it hurts like hell, but you’re better than this!

@Bittenonce I've been told! 🙂

Indeed! But I’ll keep checking, make sure you’re doing as you’re told 😁!
Keep reaching out, anytime you need

@Thisagain4 I agree his partner should be told. He was using his DD as a shield again saying it would blow her life up when he was pleading with you. What about your poor DD? When you feel strong enough she should know. He’s again using your kind nature against you. It’s not revenge here but sisterhood. I would want to know if my dp ever did this to me. And he would be out on his arse if he ever did. You feel weak now but I am hoping you use your other emotions to do this.

She texted me asking questions and I replied honestly. Lots on anger directed towards me. I apologised and explained that I didn't know she existed and that my life is reeling too.

I do hope you feel a bit better. Do you have a shoulder to cry on in real life?

@Thisagain4 how did she find out?

Thanks yes, had cry with good friend this morning. Been texting with siblings. Not sure how she found out, but she texted me.

But his partner hasn’t got a happy family situation either. She’s been living with a man whom she shares a daughter with who has been online actively looking for an additional relationship. He’s consistently lied to them to spend time with you. So her life has been blown up as well if she didn’t suspect things were amiss.

Who knows how many other women he’s also hooked up with prior to being with you?

You tormented yourself about his happy family situation is also false here. Because once again it comes back to the fact that decent men with a family don’t go on line seeking an extra “marital” affair and lead a double life under a false name ducking and diving between two women.

She’s no doubt devastated, you’re devastated and he certainly is no prize whatsoever. The lies just run off him. To you, to her, to his child, to yours etc.

I know you’re mourning the facade and illusion, but keep looking at the actual evidence of who the real man is. The real man who actively sought out an additional relationship whilst being in one. The man who’s a compulsive liar and only thinks of himself. The man who ultimately betrayed both his partner and you simultaneously.

He had a fairly significant amount of time to decide that perhaps his original relationship was not working and to end that relationship but no he wanted to spin both plates at once. These are not the actions of a loving decent man. But you know this yourself.

Wow. I hope she ends it with him too.

@friendlycat what field do you work in?