Is there any other explanation?

[Thisagain4]

Been with DP 4yrs long distance, live 3.5hrs drive apart, both with 1 child each. We see other once a week for 24hrs. Things have worked this way because we both have busy lives and we want to put our children first.
At 4yrs I haven't met any of his friends or family (he says they are racist)
Haven't met his DC (he says they won't take it well)
We haven't been away together
When I visited his city he was uncomfortable about pda
He rarely answers his phone in the evenings (says it's on charge on silent and he's usually way thing football with his dad)
He never spends more than 24hrs here.
We've never spent Xmas together because we want to spend it with our children.
He is very protective of his phone
He is never here for more than 24hrs
However I can feel that he loves me, he tells me daily and communicates a lot. We're making plans for when DC go to uni.
A few days ago he changed plans from going to my sisters for an early Xmas from overnight to a few hours. This was the straw that broke the camel's back because he didn't see me for my birthday last week and I exploded about how I'm fed up with this joke of a relationship and asked him if he has a double Info up where he is. His response was that nothing is going on, I'm just having my monthly meltdown and he has refused to engage since.
AIBU? Is that he's just a very private person or have I been a naive mug for 4 years?

OP At the moment getting in touch with any emotion is going to be hard as your whole life has changed overnight including what you thought the future would look like. You must feel so shocked.

Keep posting. This thread will be so helpful in time, when other emotions start to come through.

One foot in front of the other. Right now it’s about getting through this really shitty part.

Yes this is part of why my first suggestion was Women's Aid helpline - they are absolutely used to responding to and supporting women having to get their heads around the fact that their whole relationship has been a lie. Who are still in love despite the pain caused. And yes, they are used to talking to highly qualified professional women such as you.

@Thisagain4 do you have someone who can be with you?

This. If there is, use them now

In what way did he make you feel so secure, though, when you were so obviously a hidden part of his life?

@Bumblebeestiltskin texting good morning and goodnight every day without fail. Daily phone calls. Saying I love you daily. Checking if I'm ok if I've been quiet for a while. Buying my DD a treat that my dad used to buy her every time he came round.Would make it to events that were important to me. I could see and feel the love in his eyes and I've been in relationships where I didn't.

Absolutely this. You won’t be anywhere near ready up believe this yet OP and you’re in a state of grief, shock and denial right now but at some point you will find your anger and realise this wasn’t a loving relationship, he’s a future faking liar who threw you the bare minimum crumbs and lied to you every single day of his life.

When you stop seeing him as the illusion and start seeing him as the lying cheat he really is, then you’ll find your anger.

I do echo PP’s about calling WA or the Samaritans- just anyone who has a listening ear to let you speak.

What a heartbreaking situation for you OP, not just your devastation to manage but your DD's as well. Totally useless but you will feel ok one day, there is no time limit on that I am afraid but you will see many women here that have been in your situation and have not only survived but thrived and now live wonderful lives, with and without new partners. I am one of them and you will be too, let yourself feel everything for now. It's an excruciating but necessary process. No one deserves to be treated like this and as cliché as it sounds, it's not you it's him. He has a major character defect that will haunt him forever, you will move on and upwards eventually x

OP you are clearly intelligent. Look up ‘betrayal trauma’ — it helped me when I had a similar set of deceptions. Such a deep layer of lies. It helps to explain why your brain just can’t understand what’s happening, and why it gives you physical pain. In a way it is a psychological effect structured a bit like autoimmune illnesses. It is profoundly abusive, what he’s done.

Thank you. I have spoken to family and friends. Tried the phone but I can't really speak because I start crying uncontrollably 🙄, but I've been texting and they've been supportive. But I feel like they can't reach me if you know what I mean. I will look up betrayal trauma, I really appreciate this suggestion.

I've had an abusive childhood, done my undergraduate medical training in South Africa which was brutal (think vomiting between caesarean sections whilst taking HIV prophylaxis and being the only dr in the hospital managing a head injury from a motor vehicle accident and a heart attack at the same time on 30 hour shifts) , came to the UK on my own with £300 in my pocket, worked as Locum everywhere from Scotland to wales, got into a postgraduate training programme here, gone through an acrimonious divorce from a narcissistic through the courts with zero family in the country, struggled with my health and still managed to create a great childhood for my daughter. On one hand I think maybe I can do this, on the other I think this is the straw that broke the camel's back.

Your definitely the other woman, I'm guessing he's got wife and kids at home.

Of course they weren’t. It was an excuse for why you always had to stay elsewhere when in his town. Hardly anything he said about his life was true OP.
He’s an absolute arsehole.

💐

On one hand I think maybe I can do this, on the other I think this is the straw that broke the camel's back.

You can do this and you will do this. But you've only just found out. It's raw and painful at the moment but give it time. It's like grief and incredibly painful. But the passage of time is a great healer.

You will find your anger in time and this will take over and power you through.

But it is vital that you keep focusing on the lies, the fact he isn't the person you thought he was, he even made up a false name. He lied over and over and over. He was still lying to you when you confronted him. He changed the narrative to "maybe" looking at houses perhaps in ten/twelve years time when his daughter had left home. He lied about his parents who you've now met. He literally lied about everything.

Words are incredibly easy. It's always the actions that speak volumes.

Over the period of time that you were seeing him he presented a completely false persona. You only ever got to spend periods of 24 hours with him. No weekends away, no holidays, no whole weekends even. You never saw where he lived (well obviously not). You never met one single one of his friends. All you saw was what he selected to show you, but none of it was true.

He is not a nice man at all. Because the person that you think is loving and caring doesn't exist. It's a facade. He's behaved appallingly to both you and your daughter and his own wife/partner and child. He didn't just stumble across you at work, he actively went looking for an additional relationship on line with every intention of leading a double life. No doubt when the dust has settled he will look to do the very same again.

Never letting you meet his friends and family in 4 years....

You genuinely need some therapy to learn not to be so grateful for the bare minimum when you were so obviously someone's secret bit on the side. Your daughter is growing up with you as her role model - PLEASE do this for her.

@friendlycat 🙏

Well done, Mystic Meg.

So why haven’t you met his friends?

Read the whole thread it’s all in the OPs updates

I'm sorry but someone who loves you doesn't do this to you

@Thisagain4 the camel’s back isn’t broken. Just needs a time out, mental detox. You’re better, stronger than he ever was.

You are much stronger than you think op. You have already been through so much. Think of your dd and how you can show her how to weather disappointments and setbacks in life.

Also you are a dr. You absolutely rock. You need to start there for the next man in your life. A compassionate, intelligent doctor whom shares your values and honesty. He does exist.

@Bumcake you made me smile for the first time in days

Haven't managed to get out of bed today, but managing to read, and came across this:
Betrayal blindness is not allowing yourself to see what is going on, to connect the dots, or to fully engage with reality, because if you did, the information would threaten your relationship with the person who is most important to you. What this means is that events or realities that threaten our sense of secure connection to our partner can feel like life or death to us.