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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there any other explanation?

392 replies

Thisagain4 · 12/12/2024 03:16

Been with DP 4yrs long distance, live 3.5hrs drive apart, both with 1 child each. We see other once a week for 24hrs. Things have worked this way because we both have busy lives and we want to put our children first.
At 4yrs I haven't met any of his friends or family (he says they are racist)
Haven't met his DC (he says they won't take it well)
We haven't been away together
When I visited his city he was uncomfortable about pda
He rarely answers his phone in the evenings (says it's on charge on silent and he's usually way thing football with his dad)
He never spends more than 24hrs here.
We've never spent Xmas together because we want to spend it with our children.
He is very protective of his phone
He is never here for more than 24hrs
However I can feel that he loves me, he tells me daily and communicates a lot. We're making plans for when DC go to uni.
A few days ago he changed plans from going to my sisters for an early Xmas from overnight to a few hours. This was the straw that broke the camel's back because he didn't see me for my birthday last week and I exploded about how I'm fed up with this joke of a relationship and asked him if he has a double Info up where he is. His response was that nothing is going on, I'm just having my monthly meltdown and he has refused to engage since.
AIBU? Is that he's just a very private person or have I been a naive mug for 4 years?

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 14/12/2024 00:44

@Thisagain4 if I can just say you won't be the first or last to fall for this kind of bumph- he may well have liked you/loved you - but wasn't in a position to take it any further than you have. At 62 I honestly think that anyone serious moves mountains to see with you/ be with you -

Original poster
Thisagain4 · 14/12/2024 08:06

Could somebody help me please? Woke up after a few hours of relief during sleep, with a gut punch to my stomach and can't stop crying, feeling sick. It's a double whammy of knowing they were going on holiday together, sleeping in the same bed, doing all the things I desperately craved PLUS him being ripped out of my life. Nothing after 4 years of good morning and good night texts. Daily I love you's. I am in a very dark place, how do I get through the next 24hours?

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 14/12/2024 08:29

I would suggest ringing a domestic abuse helpline OP. In a way you've been abused, that's why it feels so very awful. Women's Aid helpline.

On a practical level, what would you normally have done with your dd? Enjoy her company, maybe do something special and christmassy - if you can possibly manage it. Does she have contact with her dad?

Do you have a close friend you can confide in? Or a relative you can call?

HappySquid · 14/12/2024 08:30

Please call the Samaritans OP, they will be able to talk to you and help when you are feeling very low. I don't have any advice per se except to say I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You are not to blame. Your daughter and the other people in your life love you and need you, please try to remember that. I'm sure your patients are grateful for you. Sometimes the shock of something so unexpected happening takes a while to sink in but I have no doubt that you are strong and capable and can continue putting one foot in front of the other, one step at a time, until eventually you'll look back and it will feel much more distant. But please talk to someone as soon as possible, I'm sure it will help to speak to a real person on the phone. Perhaps @mumsnet can also advise on other resources.

JanglyBeads · 14/12/2024 08:32

Yes I was going to say Samaritans alternatively OP.

WakingUpToReality · 14/12/2024 08:34

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It will be a grieving process. Have you got anyone supportive you can reach out to? Friends, family? If not, I would see a therapist. I'm in a bit of a similar situation going through a divorce at the moment, and realising my partner of 18 years is not who I thought he was (due to some abusive behaviour last few years). It's a shock what you've gone through. You can't expect yourself to just recover quickly. It will take time. What I have realised is unfortunately you're not alone in this type of situation (infidelity). Mumsnet seems full of stories like yours. It's hideous and cruel what he's done. He's also kept you in a situation where you were out of the dating scene for 4 years in which time you might have met someone decent. Unbelievably selfish of him. Self-care is priority now. Make sure you eat, sleep, find people to confide in. Look after yourself. And definitely therapy, when you are ready, to work on your boundaries and self-esteem because you accepted much too little from him. It will take the time it takes and then you will get through it. Sending hugs.

Original poster
Thisagain4 · 14/12/2024 08:35

I might call my work employee assistance program. But I won't be able to talk. It'll just be someone listening to me cry. DD is with her dad this w/end. The only meal of the day that I can't do without is my morning tea and toast. I couldn't even force that down.

OP posts:
LimeYellow · 14/12/2024 08:42

Phone them OP. Even if you just cry down the phone it may help a bit. Hold on to the thought that things will seem better soon. You have to get through this bit Sad

Petrasings · 14/12/2024 08:47

Thisagain4 · 14/12/2024 08:06

Could somebody help me please? Woke up after a few hours of relief during sleep, with a gut punch to my stomach and can't stop crying, feeling sick. It's a double whammy of knowing they were going on holiday together, sleeping in the same bed, doing all the things I desperately craved PLUS him being ripped out of my life. Nothing after 4 years of good morning and good night texts. Daily I love you's. I am in a very dark place, how do I get through the next 24hours?

You focus entirely on your child. You are her only parent as far as I can tell. He is a man - and you will get over this eventually. Your child needs you to remain together and strong.

Yes he is a liar and a cheat, but you have a whole life separate from
his ( he made sure of that) hold on to the truth that one day this feeling will pass. As all things do. You are allowed to feel sad and angry, miserable and lost for a while.
Call a friend, a family member or a kind neighbour. On Monday book some counselling for additional support.

Look after yourself 💐

Fleetheart · 14/12/2024 08:48

I’m really sorry to read this. But make no mistake you have not been foolish; you have been trusting. He is the one who has misled you from the start.

For the record I am certain that he did care/ but he was completely dishonest and in time honoured male fashion wanted to have the standard domestic set up and the romance. Please try and be angry rather than upset. It is not you. You will get over this… so please do yes ring the work assistance or samaritans. I am shocked at how duplicitous some men can be. Even the “good ones”.

AnonAnonmystery · 14/12/2024 08:56

Morning @Thisagain4 sorry you are feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck. I know the emotions are shocking right now as well as how you are feeling physically. It’s good you can just be arm without hiding it from your daughter. Do call someone - do you have a friend nearby to talk to in rl?

Also - I think your ex dp went online for sex and found YOU - a beautiful trusting and intelligent women. Which is why he tried to stay in your life. I dong doubt he had a love for you even though it wasn’t a healthy one x

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 14/12/2024 09:11

Thisagain4 · 14/12/2024 08:35

I might call my work employee assistance program. But I won't be able to talk. It'll just be someone listening to me cry. DD is with her dad this w/end. The only meal of the day that I can't do without is my morning tea and toast. I couldn't even force that down.

They’re actually really good in this exact scenario OP. I had a bit of a breakdown last year, couldn’t explain why I was feeling the way I was, never happened to me before (my cup and just finally runneth over I think) and I phone the EAP and basically just cried down the phone at the woman. It was cathartic, and actually, weirdly really helped me

AnonAnonmystery · 14/12/2024 09:15

Please also continue to use this thread for support x

fedup078 · 14/12/2024 09:20

I've been here after being ghosted by a man I was head over heels with
It is grief op and you'll have to go through the stages
It's fucking awful
The mornings are the worse
I can't describe that feeling that washes over you when you wake up each morning
You will get through this

Original poster
Thisagain4 · 14/12/2024 09:37

The worst part is there was genuine love there from his side. He knew me better than I knew myself and was very attentive and caring. I was thriving in life these past 4 years.

OP posts:
LimeYellow · 14/12/2024 09:38

You will thrive again OP.

Petrasings · 14/12/2024 09:45

Thisagain4 · 14/12/2024 09:37

The worst part is there was genuine love there from his side. He knew me better than I knew myself and was very attentive and caring. I was thriving in life these past 4 years.

No, he did not truly love you, had he loved you he would never have lied to you for four years. He would have left his wife, and told you the truth.
It’s important you see him for what he is.

Original poster
Thisagain4 · 14/12/2024 09:59

I wish I hated him and didn't want to see him again. But the thought of him not in my life is too painful to bear.

OP posts:
Fannyfiggs · 14/12/2024 10:01

Petrasings · 14/12/2024 09:45

No, he did not truly love you, had he loved you he would never have lied to you for four years. He would have left his wife, and told you the truth.
It’s important you see him for what he is.

Show quote history

I'm afraid Petra is 100% right. He is not a nice person no matter what he has led you to believe.

Petrasings · 14/12/2024 10:02

Thisagain4 · 14/12/2024 09:59

I wish I hated him and didn't want to see him again. But the thought of him not in my life is too painful to bear.

You need to find your inner anger op. What he has done is appalling. Do not let him ruin your life as well.
Not all men are like him, one day you will find real love in a trusting and transparent relationship.

Fannyfiggs · 14/12/2024 10:02

Thisagain4 · 14/12/2024 09:59

I wish I hated him and didn't want to see him again. But the thought of him not in my life is too painful to bear.

Find your anger. How fucking dare he do this to you!!!

Fleetheart · 14/12/2024 10:04

Yes be angry! How dare he? would you ever do this to anyone? of course not!

Bittenonce · 14/12/2024 10:04

Thisagain4 · 14/12/2024 09:37

The worst part is there was genuine love there from his side. He knew me better than I knew myself and was very attentive and caring. I was thriving in life these past 4 years.

No, darling, no.
If he loved you, he would have cared more. He cared for himself and his feelings, what you could do for him, not for you.
But he defrauded you, raped you. You never consented to anything with the man he really was.
You’ll see this in time, but unfortunately you have to believe me that it will take time and more tears before you get there.
Sending biggest hugs.

friendlycat · 14/12/2024 10:09

Petrasings · 14/12/2024 09:45

No, he did not truly love you, had he loved you he would never have lied to you for four years. He would have left his wife, and told you the truth.
It’s important you see him for what he is.

Show quote history

You really do need to recognise this.

You are in deep pain at the moment, but it will gradually get better. It always does with time even though at this precise moment it seems impossible.

But it's so important for you to keep reminding yourself that he wasn't honest with you, he wasn't honest with anybody. He maintained an erratic relationship with you spending limited periods of time whilst using the alias of another name and lying to everybody around him.

If he had truly wanted to be with you he would have done. But he wanted his own family situation and an extra relationship on the side.

Please try and look logically at the situation in amongst the grief of it all. If you just focus on the illusion that he created for you, you are just perpetuating the lies of it all that weren't real.

Original poster
Thisagain4 · 14/12/2024 10:17

@friendlycat thank, this is the kind of clarity I need to be pointed towards. Because all I can see and feel right now is the illusion.

OP posts: